Chapter 25
Just two short weeks later, Don went back to work. Now, apart from Suzy’s brief visits, Bella was trying to manage looking after Markie on her own.
She dragged the buggy down the front steps, cursing every single one of them. She’d thought this house was baby friendly, but she’d overlooked these steps. This had all been much easier when Don was around. Everything had been easier when he was around.
It still felt strange to walk along the road pushing this great big thing along in front of her. The sun broke out from behind a cloud and Markie, dazzled, began to cry. She pulled up the hood but it only partially covered his face, so she moved him gently up the pram until he was in shade again, still crying. She spoke to him soothingly as they moved on down the pavement and finally, he fell asleep and she felt herself relax a little.
The nearest high street was shabby and run-down with a grotty-looking shopping centre at one end, then a handful of chain stores. She went to the large chemist’s first, where she headed for the aisle with nappies and the other postnatal products.
I’m now in an entirely new consumer group, she couldn’t help noticing. Extra-large sanitary towels, cracked-nipple cream, nipple guards, haemorrhoid cream, painkillers, she piled the lot into her basket.
As she paid, Markie started to stir. By the time she got back outside, he was bawling miserably and she knew she had to feed him… but where? There was no bench or seat in sight, so she headed for the baby shop at the far end of the street.
Markie was red in the face and howling by the time she got there, so she hurried to the ‘baby room’ which had a chair, a fold-down changing area, a sink, and an overpowering smell of dirty nappies.
She bent over the buggy to lift out her screaming son and as her fingers reached behind him, they slid into warm wetness – he and the sheepskin-lined buggy were covered in slimy yellow poo.
‘Oh God,’ she cursed under her breath.
She hadn’t brought anything with her: no wipes, no change of clothes, no spare nappy, it was another Amateur Mum moment.
She put Markie down on one of the changing mats. He was waving his fists and bawling. No wonder, starving and covered in poo was not a happy scene.
Stay calm, she told herself. There was a drum of paper towel on the wall, so she pulled off a length and bundled Markie up in it. That would do while she fed him; they would begin the damage limitation afterwards.
The staff were somewhat bemused to see a harassed and obviously brand-new mother come out of the changing room holding a baby swaddled in yellow-stained paper towel.
Bella scanned the shelves and got vests, babygros and a large box of wipes. She paid for the lot and went back into the Mummy’s Room for some time. When she came out again her baby was re-dressed and lying in his buggy on a wad of paper towel.
On the walk home, she tried to laugh about it but she felt hopeless and weak. God, how useless was she? She couldn’t even take her baby round the block without turning it into a major crisis. She could feel tears welling up at the back of her eyes. This was nothing like she’d imagined. All her baby daydreams had been about sitting in a sunny garden with a darling baby fast asleep in his pram. Instead, the weather was grey and chilly, he cried most of the time, and she felt shattered and totally wound up.
Her mobile trilled in her pocket.
She clicked it open and was astonished to hear Kitty. Yes, here was Kitty asking her if she wanted the mail accumulating in the office to be sent on to her, or if she was coming in to visit. It felt like greetings from another planet and only ignited her anxiety. At work she had felt completely capable and on top of everything. At home with her baby, she felt like a hopeless novice, but still, the thought of leaving him was unimaginable.
But in three months, she had to hand him over and get back to work, or else she would lose her place and, besides, they had a mountainous mortgage now, plus credit card bills and the lower, but still substantial loan. They needed her salary.