Nikki
One Month after RRABF
Acoward. That's what I felt like staring at the pictures Raina uploaded to her Instagram of our night out with Niecy a month ago, my thumb hovering over the screen.
It was becoming a compulsion, this need to check.
When I wasn't job searching, interviewing, forcing myself to meditate, or running the necessary errands to keep myself alive, I was opening my photo album and staring at the pictures I went ahead and just downloaded because I was driving myself crazy constantly checking to see if she had commented.
She was tagged but of course her page was private and I was too scared to request her, too scared of the rejection.
She hadn't followed me either which told me they probably hated me for leaving the way I did.
After I had left their room, I sat in mine completely overwhelmed by what I was feeling, the silence deafening.
I felt insane actually. There was no way I had let myself feel the things I was feeling for not one but two people in the short span of a couple hours of extremely hot sex.
That would be stupid. And if I had the balls to talk to my therapist about it, she would say it was a backslide.
Just another form of self-soothing and not a healthy one.
Because why would someone in their right mind think a happily married couple, who had never let anyone in their bedroom before, would be thinking about what happened as anything more than a check off their bucket list.
I didn't trust my decision making and hadn't since my cousin committed suicide.
It had been four years, and even though I was doing better, I still couldn't shake the guilt of being the last person he called.
I didn't answer. I couldn't even remember why but whatever it was surely wasn't more important than that phone call.
After that, I started making really bad life choices like dating alcoholics and sleeping with my boss among other toxic defense mechanisms that only left me needing to fill another void.
I wasn't an alcoholic but drinking didn't help and only assisted in those questionable decisions.
I really tried to convince myself the liquor was the culprit.
I was able to identify that what happened was impulsive and irresponsible so if I was sober it wouldn't have happened right?
I couldn't be so sure because I was completely sober when those thoughts crossed my mind seeing them in the lobby and when I was making myself cum to hearing them through the wall even before the possibility of the night was on the table.
Still, none of that changed the fact that the next morning, I was left alone with my thoughts and those thoughts were idiotic.
If I had allowed myself to see them again, I didn't want to face the inevitable disappointment.
I'm sure they would've been nice about it, maybe even wanted to run it back before the weekend was over but they weren't thinking what I was.
They weren't imagining an unconventional life where we all loved each other because normal people didn't catch feelings after one night and normal married couples weren't looking for a girlfriend.
It wasn't until two weeks after the event that I decided to look and see if either of them had another profile on another platform.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered who Denise was.
I couldn't even blame her for not telling me the truth.
People start acting weird around people they admire.
But that wouldn't have changed anything for me, it just confirmed why our chemistry was so magnetic.
She wrote the string of words that saved my life.
I forced myself to put down my phone and decided to turn on some music while I watered my plants.
Ain’t it Fun by Paramore never ceased to brighten my mood even though it was a reality check in disguise.
I dwelled on the lyrics reminding me that no one was coming to save me and suddenly I needed something stronger than music and plants to get me through the day.
There was nothing worse than realizing you were out of weed when you needed it most. I needed these thoughts sedated immediately so I threw on some clothes and pulled up on my girl whose husband happened to be my plug.
"Hey Nik!" she greeted me with a big hug.
"Hey Lis!" I said, embracing her back.
I met Lisa at a lawyer’s convention Myles insisted I accompany him to a year ago.
I caught her outside smoking a blunt and knew she was my people when she offered me some.
We became friends instantly. It was some of the best weed I'd ever smoked and it turned out her husband grew it himself.
I hadn't been back to a dispensary since.
"What's good Nik?" Malcolm, her husband, greeted from the kitchen. "Your usual?"
"Yeah, but let me get an ounce this time."
"I got you," he said, disappearing to the back.
Should I been buying a whole ounce of weed while not having a job? Probably not, but my first unemployment check came through and I was being economically responsible by buying in bulk. That's what I told myself anyway.
"Come sit down and smoke one with me," Lisa said, plopping down on the couch. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."
Her laptop and stacks of paper sat on the coffee table in front of us, evidence that she had been working.
"Working on a big case?" I asked, settling into the couch across from her.
"Ugh, yes. Which is why I could use this much needed break."
She pulled a rolling tray into her lap and proceeded to roll the most perfect blunt I'd ever seen, her fingers working with practiced precision.
"So what's been going on girl? Last time we talked you were getting ready for that book festival. How was that?" she asked, using the lighter to seal the blunt closed.
"Shit, where do I start? I got fired that weekend and slept with a married couple. Which one you wanna hear about first?"
She choked on the puff she inhaled, her eyes watering.
"You slept with a married couple?!" she exclaimed, after she took a sip from her bottle of water.
"Should I come back or..." Malcolm said, entering the room just as Lisa said that.
"No, I actually wanted to talk to the both of you. I need some advice. If that's alright," I said, looking to Lisa.
“I’m going to start rolling another one. This isn’t going to be enough for this conversation,” she said as Malcolm took a seat next to her.
I started at the beginning, telling them the sequence of events that led to me losing my job, then ending up in Quincy and Denise’s hotel room, all the way up to me finding out she wrote my favorite book, but leaving out the explicit details that I knew Lisa probably didn’t want her husband hearing.
“Okay, so first…” Lisa began, passing me the blunt. “Why didn’t you call me? You would’ve been paid and Myles would’ve been disbarred by now.”
“Trust me, I thought about it. But honestly, I didn’t even care. I was relieved to be done with him.”
“I get it. But you still could’ve told me. You know there’s always a spot for you at my firm.”
I could’ve cried if I wasn’t already high as fuck, the relief hitting me like a wave.
Lisa was an answered prayer. I had been so stressed out over this last month with the job search and was getting really discouraged, feeling like I was sending resumes into the void.
I wasn’t the type of friend to ask for favors, especially with something this major, but since she offered, I wasn’t in the position to turn it down.
“Are you sure, Lis?” I asked, my voice small.
“Girl, of course. I mean, don’t mix business and personal, so you wouldn’t be my paralegal. But I know some of the other lawyers could definitely use you.”
“Wow… thank you. You really have no idea how grateful I am,” I said, passing the blunt to Malcolm. He examined it and smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling.
“You know I taught her how to roll? Now look at you,” he said, smiling proudly at his wife.
“Shut up.” She giggled, swatting at his arm. “Okay, so now let’s get to this couple thing. So you said you haven’t talked to them since you dipped out the morning after. Did you tell Raina and Gina?”
“No, you two are the only ones I’ve told. But I need to ask you guys something,” I said, my voice dropping, suddenly serious.
“We can’t be your Quincy and Denise replacements,” Lisa said, causing Malcolm and me to burst out in laughter, the sound bouncing off the walls.
“Bitch I wouldn’t disrespect y’all by coming to ask you some shit like that,” I finally said, catching my breath, my chest heaving. Although if they offered, it would pain me to say no. They were both fine as fuck, but they had become such good friends. I didn’t want to ever ruin that.
“I wanted to ask you, as a married couple, how would you feel in that situation? Like, hypothetically speaking, you felt a connection with a woman, had this great night together, and then she left without saying goodbye. Would you want to hear from her again?”
“This conversation sounds like a whole set up, but I’ma keep it real with you.
There’s not a nigga on this planet who wouldn’t want to hear from the woman he watched eat his wife’s pussy, so do with that information what you will,” Malcolm said, raising his hands in surrender, his eyes gleaming with amusement.
“I mean, I agree with Malcolm. I’m sure Quincy would be thrilled. But Denise might be feeling some type of way. You said it was their first time doing something like that, right?”
“Yeah, it was all our first time. And see, that’s what I’m scared of. I don’t want to overstep and cause any type of issues in their marriage. They haven’t reached out to me either, so I’m thinking I should just leave it alone.”
“You ghosted them. It’s kind of on you,” Malcolm said, shrugging.
“I agree. If I were them, I would assume you didn’t want to talk to us, so I wouldn’t reach out first,” Lisa added, her voice gentle.
I took a hard pull on the second blunt that was being passed around and sighed, the smoke filling my lungs, making my head float. How the hell did I end up in this predicament?
“Okay, so let’s say I reach out. What would I even say?”
“I’m tryna fuck y’all again. What’s good? Oh, and can you sign my book?” Malcolm joked.
“Be serious. She really likes them,” Lisa said, smacking his arm, her lips twitching with suppressed laughter.
“That’s crazy though, right? Like, would y’all consider anything serious with her in a situation like that?”
“I don’t think we’ve ever thought or talked about it,” Lisa said, looking at Malcolm, her brow furrowed in consideration.
“To my knowledge, you don’t like pussy, but please let me know if I’m wrong,” Malcolm said to Lisa with a slight spark in his eye, a challenge hanging in the air.
“I don’t think I do, but I mean… I think every woman has thought about it before,” she said, her voice dropping, almost shy.
Malcolm’s eyebrows went all the way up, disappearing into his hairline. “Is that right?”
“That’s facts. I thought I was straight until I had my first experience with a woman,” I said.
“Please let me know if you ever wanna explore that mama,” he said, blowing out a huge cloud of smoke.
Lisa blushed, her cheeks flushing pink, and shook her head. “This is about Nikki right now.”
“No please, let’s change the subject for a second. What have y’all been up to?”
“Been busy since the grand opening of the dispensary. But we just closed on our dream house! So we’re going to need all hands on deck to pack and move soon” Lisa said.
“Ahhhh congratulations guys! Big flex shit! You know you just need to tell me a date and time and I’m here.”
We were all lost in the haze of our high and got lost in our own thoughts while we finished off the last of the blunt being passed around.
“So what you about to do girl?”
“I don’t fuckin know.” I said, the confusion heavy in my chest.
“Okay, let’s talk out both scenarios. You don’t reach out…
nothing happens. You’ll most likely never see them again, and you just move on.
Safe. Predictable. No risk. You do reach out…
couple things could happen. You run the risk of them rejecting you.
You run the risk of them only wanting you as a fuck buddy.
Or it could be the best decision, and they feel the same way about you. ”
“There’s too many variables in that second option for me,” I decided, shaking my head.
“Agreed,” Lisa said. “So cherish the memory and try to let it go, babe,” she said, her hand finding my knee.
“Now hold up,” Malcolm interjected, leaning forward. “What if I had that same mindset about us? You wouldn’t be my wife right now.”
Lisa had told me about their love story, how Malcolm crashed her wedding to another man. So he had all the credentials to defend the other side of this argument.
“Damn… you’re right, baby. Nikki, I don’t know what to tell you. Let fate decide.”
I left their house feeling just as confused as when I arrived, but I was up an ounce and a job, so I was counting my blessings.
The rest would have to figure itself out.
If nothing else, this situation proved I needed to focus on getting my life together.
A relationship was probably the last thing I should be thinking about, let alone a relationship with two people.
But that wasn’t stopping Q and Niecy from living rent free in my mind.