Chapter 38 Rafaella
Rafaella
‘Did you know?’ Rafaella’s voice was sharp, defensive, as she paced around her kitchen, pressing her bare feet to the terracotta tiles as if trying to ground herself. The children were scattered throughout the house, playing. Nico had worked out how to turn on the television set.
‘Raf, do you really think I’d have let you walk into that if I had known?’ Gina had walked through her front door mere minutes after her, Lorenzo on her hip and worry in her eyes.
‘… No.’ She ran her hand through her hair, her other hand on the small of her back.
Her body felt as if a flock of starlings was trapped in her ribcage, trying to get out, beating, fluttering, agitating …
The past had thrown an iron hook into her flesh and kept dragging her back to that moment again, when she had found herself in Cosimo’s arms … Like in her memories. Her dreams.
‘I swear, the first I knew of it was when he walked in with the other priest, a minute before you arrived. I was trying to get rid of him precisely so that what happened wouldn’t happen!’ Gina threw her hands out.
Rafaella felt guilty for her accusing tone. ‘It’s not your fault.’
‘Well, if it’s any consolation, I don’t think he knew we were here either. He looked how I felt!’
‘Right.’ She nodded, still pacing.
‘… So, how do you feel?’
‘How do I feel?’ Rafaella laughed, sounding crazed. ‘Like another man’s wife! That’s how I feel. Another man’s wife.’
‘He looked different, I thought.’
‘Well, yes. He’s a priest now!’
‘Trainee priest.’
Rafaella looked over at her. Why did she want to cling to that word – trainee – as if it held out any hope? ‘How did you think he looked different?’
Gina thought for a moment. ‘… Like he’d been … halved, if that makes sense?’
‘You mean thinner?’
‘A bit of that. But I meant more like he’s cleaved away parts of himself. Taken away the flesh and left just bone. He seemed sort of bloodless, you know? At least when I saw him, anyway.’
‘Yes,’ Rafaella breathed; but she had seen a look flare in his eyes, like a firework exploding, as he found himself holding her. It had faded again with every step back she’d taken.
‘Don’t look so worried,’ Gina soothed.
‘But I am worried! He’s here! He’s across the piazza from you!’
‘Yes, but it’s not as if you’re at risk of just running into him. It’s not Tricase. That seminary’s like a prison.’
‘For him to be here, though. At this seminary, here. Why not Lecce or Taranto? What were the chances?’ Her voice was rising through the octaves, disbelief mutating into panic.
She couldn’t do this – live a few streets away, knowing he was behind those stone walls.
She would never know a moment’s peace. She would look for his face now in every crowd.
It had been hard enough to subsume him in her thoughts when she’d thought there was no hope of ever setting eyes on him again.
‘Listen to me. He’s probably lived here all this time, side by side with us, and we never knew it,’ Gina shrugged. ‘And if you hadn’t become involved with these kids, we still wouldn’t know it.’
Was that true? Had Cosimo been living here all along, her neighbour for the past two years?
Had there been thousands of ‘almost’ moments when he’d walked past the narrow seminary windows mere seconds after she’d slipped through Gina’s green carriage doors?
Sat at the far end of the cathedral from her at the same Sunday Mass?
They had always slept under the same moon, but now they were breathing the very same air.
‘But that’s another reason why you should get this kids business all wrapped up sooner rather than later.’ Gina’s voice pulled her attention back to the present. ‘You can’t be having meetings with Father Caputo, not knowing whether Cosi’s going to be there too.’
‘You’re right.’ Rafaella nodded blankly, trying to imagine it. She desperately wanted it. She desperately didn’t. The life she’d built here – ordered and calm, peaceful, bloodless – had been dashed apart at a stroke. With a single look, everything was chaos.
‘How are they getting on with finding the father?’
‘Uh …’ Rafaella struggled to get her thoughts in order.
‘Father Caputo’s in contact with the bishop at Brindisi,’ she murmured.
‘All the priests in the district have been asked to take special notice of new members of their congregation. They think there’s a good chance they might find him at confession.
For a man to abandon his family is one thing, but to not ask forgiveness for it … ’
‘Yes. Men are reckless with their hearts but not their souls,’ Gina nodded. ‘Well, until they find him, you’re going to need help. You can’t just take on six children overnight, especially when Fon’s on the road so much.’
‘Maybe,’ Rafaella murmured, stopping in front of the garden doorway and looking out at the withered olive trees. There was no breeze today, the heat clinging and oppressive.
‘Not maybe. Definitely,’ Gina said bossily.
Rafaella turned back to her. ‘I think I’m doing pretty well with them at the moment.
’ Bathing them last night, reading bedtime stories and watching them sleep had filled a void in her soul she hadn’t even known was there.
The children needed love, and she needed to give it.
Only now did she see how stunted she had become, emotionally, in these past few years, closing herself down and withering into something mannered, poised and all but dead inside.
But mothering those children and seeing Cosi again had changed that, rousing her from her torpor. How could she go back?
‘Yes, because this is only half of them!’ Gina said, speaking plainly. ‘Not to mention they’re in a state of shock at having lost both their parents, and they’ve been ill … Wait till they start to settle in and become bolder. You’re going to be run off your feet.’
‘You forget that is my day job. Looking after a roomful of kids is what I’m paid to do.’
‘But you can’t give these ones back at the end of the day! I’m telling you, you’re going to need help.’
‘Perhaps,’ Rafaella said again, drifting back into her thoughts.
‘Luckily for you,’ Gina said, raising her voice and getting her attention again. ‘… I happen to know just the person to help you.’
Rafaella waited expectantly. She should have known this was leading somewhere. ‘You do?’
‘Mamma called me the other day. Remember Sonia Lobascio? From the wash-house?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, her daughter just got married, and she’s moved to Otranto with her husband. Flavia Cassano’s her name. And she’s looking for a job.’
‘Oh. Is her husband working for Dante, then?’
‘No. He’s a carpenter, from here, but Mamma thought we might be able to help Flavia.
I was thinking of taking her on as a housekeeper – Dante’s losing patience with all the mess, but I’d like to see him bend down and pick up toys with this strapped to his front!
’ She cradled her huge bump with a marbled look of annoyance and affection.
‘You should definitely take her on,’ Rafaella said calmly. Gina could argue with Dante even when he wasn’t physically there.
Gina sighed. ‘No, your need is greater than mine right now. I can last a few more weeks. You can have her help you out with the kids.’
‘But I might not have them for very long.’
‘But you might,’ Gina argued. ‘And how is Fon going to take coming home every night to a madhouse?’
‘… He wasn’t thrilled last night,’ she conceded. It had been disconcerting how unmoved he had seemed by the children’s plight. She had always thought – hoped – that having children would bring life to their marriage. Now she wasn’t so sure. He seemed so happy with just her.
‘You see? Take Flavia,’ Gina said as if that was that, pulling a chair out and sinking into it with a groan of relief. ‘So when is he back?’
‘In a few days.’
‘What’s he going to do up there?’
‘Look for leads,’ Rafaella shrugged.
‘Will he go to see the family?’
‘He said he’ll try to see Filippo, although he doesn’t think he’ll have much luck. But the others don’t live there anymore, remember? Rossanna’s moved to Florence with the little ones …’
‘Not so little now,’ Gina mused. ‘The older boy must be, what, fifteen? Sixteen?’
‘Really?’ Rafaella looked at her, startled by the realization. Romola’s death had seemed to stop the clocks, all of them frozen in time.
‘Well, it’s been four years …’ Gina’s voice trailed away. They rarely talked about Romola. It was too painful, for one thing, and too interlinked with Cosimo for another. She and Rafaella had both pinned their flags to the Giannellis. They had to accept how things had turned out and move on.
They lapsed into silence for a few moments, watching through the garden doors as a sparrow landed on the outside table and pecked for fallen seeds.
Gina frowned, seeming to think of something.
‘What?’ Rafaella asked, watching her.
‘… Do you think Cosimo knows? About Fede, I mean?’
‘Well, of course. He’s his brother. The family would have been in touch with the seminary and alerted them to what’s happened.’
‘Yes, you’re right,’ Gina nodded. ‘It must be really hard for him, though, being stuck in there and not able to do anything about it.’
‘He can hardly do any more about it out here. Fon’s wasted trip has shown that.’ Rafaella shook her head and rubbed her hands over her face. ‘Oh God, when he finds out Cosi’s here …’
‘Why should he find out?’
Rafaella frowned. ‘Because we’re all living within a quarter-mile of one another.’
‘Yes, and Cosi’s all but locked up in there. It’s not as if we’re just going to bump into him. You shouldn’t tell him. You know how paranoid Fon’s always been about him.’
‘But that was before we were married. I’m his wife now.’
‘Precisely,’ Gina nodded. ‘So keep things simple, Raf. We’ve all rebuilt our lives in Otranto; we like it here. We can all coexist in the same town together, so long as we don’t poke the bear.’