33. Hayden
33
HAYDEN
S hit.
I was one of those people that pushed him into a box he wasn’t comfortable in. Into the box I wanted him to be in.
“And I do that.”
He froze in my arms. If it weren’t for the body heat, I could’ve been holding a block of ice.
“Hayden…”
“No. Don’t deny it. I do that. I did it this morning.”
“But…”
“Vato, you were feeling dominant, and I didn’t just assume you would be okay with submitting to me, I forced you to. I even said I was going to…”
Panic flooded my system as I realized what I had done. My heart lodged itself in my throat, and I moved away from him, but he flew out of my arms, straddling me before I could get far.
“You listen to me. You did not force me. If I didn’t want what we did, I would’ve said so. It’s not… not wanting it. It’s being comfortable wanting it because it feels out of sync with who I am at that moment. But that does not mean you raped me. I happen to like what you do to me. That rape-fuck energy you get is hot as hell. But it’s not a violation. It’s damn sure not an assault.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep, shuddered breath. I tried to believe him. I did. I heard what he said, but it didn’t alleviate what I felt and the guilt that pummeled me.
“Let me up, Declan.”
“Hayden…”
“Please.”
Emotion washed the pleading tone, making the sound warble. With my eyes still closed, I couldn’t see if he’d noticed, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Not until you look at me and tell me you understand. That you truly don’t believe you forced yourself on me.”
He was a big guy, but so was I. I wrapped my hands around his waist, flipping us so he was on his back. I pushed away. He was having none of it. He grabbed onto me, wrapping his arms and legs around my body.
“If you go, I go. I’m seriously not joking. You won’t shake me.”
“How can you want to be with me? To be near me?”
His legs tightened around my waist and cupped my face. “Look at me. Please.”
I couldn’t deny him when he asked me anything in that tone. I opened my eyes and fell into the loving gaze staring back at me.
“You asked how I can want to be with you, near you?”
I nodded.
“It’s because you are the best man… best person I’ve ever met. You push me to explore who I am at my core. You take care of me. You make me laugh. I’ve never… never had as much fun as I have with you. You said we needed to remember we hadn’t been together very long, and you’re right, but in that short time, you being who and what you are has helped me find me. Do you know how rare it is to find someone who wants you to be the best version of yourself?”
“What about…”
“Papi, you can rape-fuck me whenever you want. If I want an out, all I have to do is safeword.”
I nodded, his words penetrating. “I’ll try to be more sensitive to your dominant needs. I promise you.”
“This is why we need a third.”
I turned and sat on the end of the bed with him on my lap. “I agree the more I think about it. We’re so much alike when you’re feeling more dominant. Plus, it would be really, really hot to watch you reduce some girl…”
“Not some girl. Our girl. A little that can help me satisfy my Papi’s Daddy Dom.”
“No age play, though. I’m not that kinda Daddy.”
I laughed. “Same. We good?”
“You know, you’re figuring out how to balance being a switch, and I’m over here embracing a role I’ve avoided accepting.”
“What do you mean?”
I brushed his hair back from where it had fallen on his forehead. “I never identified as a Dom before, and the Daddy shit, that hadn’t been on my radar at all. I blame that shit on you.”
“Turn about’s fair play, Papi, because we already know you’re to blame for my existential crisis,” he said, attacking my mouth and pushing me back onto the bed.
Our cocks, which we both had trouble controlling when the other was around, hadn’t been the least bit interested until my back hit the bed. We grew hard in an instant.
I looked up at him, my lips rolling into my mouth, and asked, “What do you need, carin??”
“Is it bad that I want both? I crave the way you make me feel when you take control, but I want to know what it’s like to be in control. To make you feel how I do.”
“No. It’s not bad. Should we have a phrase for when you feel the need to switch, at least until I learn when you’re done being a bossy, bratty sub and are in the mood to put me in my place?”
“That might not be a bad idea,” he said with a chuckle.
“So, red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go, and orange for switch?”
He nodded, and a smile spread across my face. I felt so much better with something in place to keep us, me, from screwing up. I didn’t want to hurt him or stifle the exploration of his identity.
“And you’ll use it, right? I need to know you’ll use it.”
“I promise. If I’m feeling particularly needy, in either direction and want to switch, I’ll use it so you know.”
Elation burst in me like fireworks across a summer sky. We fell into each other. I did my damnedest to let him lead the way, but he flipped us, pulling me on top of him. I refused to lose my shit like I usually did when I took him. I wanted him to know that I could show him care and affection as well going all rape-fucky on him.
Our boxer briefs were shucked, and I kissed down his body, paying attention to all the spots that made him squirm and cry out. I loved his responsiveness. I loved how verbal he was in his pleasure, but mostly, I loved him.
I lapped and licked, bit and nibbled all the dips, valleys, hard planes, and ridges. Sitting back on my heels, I let my eyes wander over him. Damn, he’s a beautiful man.
All those pieces fit together to create my person. The one meant just for me. So what if his parts didn’t create the perfect piece to fill the hole in the puzzle of my life? He was still mine. Maybe we’d find that perfect person who made my wonky ass puzzle piece fit with his, so we three would be complete: him and me, and this other person I wasn’t sure existed but hoped like hell was out there. I wanted to find happiness, the likes of which made my dad miss my mom just as much now as when we first lost her.
Slipping an arm around his waist, I dragged him up the bed and pulled the lube from the nightstand. His blown pupils seemed to pulsate when I drizzled lube over him like caramel on an ice cream cone.
“Oh fuck, Hayden, what…” he trailed off, licking his lips.
His eyes locked onto my hand as I wrapped it around his straining erection, jerking him slowly with barely-there pressure, just teasing him.
“Oh my God, Papi. Fucking hell. You’re killing me!”
His back and neck arched, and I found myself blown away once again by how gorgeous he was. How free he seemed when he let go of all the chaos in his mind. Or when he appeared to let go of it all. Every moment we were together, I wanted to stretch it out and make it last ten, one hundred, one thousand times longer. I wanted to spend every moment of my life with this man. I wanted to find our balance. It would be difficult at times. I knew it in my soul, but it was what I wanted. I wanted him and all the pieces and parts that made him Declan.
Grabbing the lube when his litany of pleas, cries, and curses turned incoherent, I coat my fingers, burying two of them in me and scissoring them to open my hole. I need him in me. But first, I check with him, reminding myself he’s not completely submissive, and forcing what I want onto him and into a role he’s not feeling is disrespectful.
“How do you want me?” I asked.
“Umm, in front of me?” he responded with a question of his own.
“Entirely up to you. My only request is you hurry up. I need you to fuck me.”
“Put your ass in the air and rest your head on your arms. I want to take you from behind.”
I groaned and got into place, gasping as he filled me before my head had dropped onto my arms as he’d asked. He pistoned his dick in and out of my hole, forcing all the air from my lungs as he fucked me. He was a beast and I was here for it.
“Papi, jerk yourself off for me. I want you to come. I need to feel you come.”
I did as he said, his hands stroking my back before coming to grip my hips. I arched my back, and his next thrust slammed into my prostate. I went off like a hair trigger, stars exploding in my head like supernovas, illuminating everything in me as it shed light on what was important.
Him.
“Carin?!” I screamed, collapsing on the bed, the wet spot be damned.
Moments later, his cock swelled and spurted as he roared like a fucking lion, stiffening behind me before collapsing on top of me. His cock, still hard as a rock, slipped out of me when I rolled out of the wet spot and pulled him into my arms.
“You didn’t…”
“I did. I wanted… I needed you to know I hear you. I see you, Declan. I see the struggle. I might not understand it, but I do appreciate it. You’re the most important person in my life. And figuring out how this is going to work between us is going to be damn near impossible, but I’m up for the challenge.”
“Same, Papi.”