26. Hawk
26
HAWK
I ’d been to too many fucking funerals. My parents’. War’s old man. Brothers within the club who hadn’t been as lucky as I had so far. I’d stood amongst their gravestones, throwing dirt on top of caskets, detached from the scene and already mentally planning the drinks I’d consume as soon as the priest was done rambling with their everlasting-life bullshit I’d never believed in.
But this one was different. Alice’s funeral had been so long coming, and the words the priest said actually mattered to Kara. She might have left Josiah’s bullshit behind, but her faith in something bigger than us hadn’t completely disappeared. Burying her sister meant more than just a formality we had to get through so we could go get drunk afterward.
It needed to be perfect. I’d spent days trying to think of every little thing that would make it better, trying to make sure she had everything she wanted, right from flowers to music to food.
Everyone had pitched in and helped where they could, and it was clear to me I wasn’t the only one who’d wanted to do this right for her.
It wasn’t just me and Chaos and Grayson who loved her. That much became evident day by day as everyone came together to make this funeral exactly what Kara needed it to be.
Closure on her old life. And the true beginning of a new one.
Around me, our friends got off their bikes, or climbed out of their vans and cars, leading kids and significant others across the graveyard to where Alice’s casket sat raised above an open grave. Kara had chosen not to have a ceremony in the church up on the hill, but an outdoor memorial, in the warm midafternoon sun.
I pulled my tie from my pocket and put it around my neck, fiddling with the stupid thing and wishing I hadn’t brought it. I’d practiced tying it with the help of a YouTube video the night before and thought I’d had it down, but staring at it hanging loosely around my neck now, I was pretty sure Hayley Jade could have done a better job.
I yanked it off again, frustrated with myself and uncomfortable in the too tight button-down shirt that vaguely itched my arms. “Should have just worn my club leathers and jeans like everyone else,” I muttered. “So fucking stupid.”
“Not stupid.” Gray stopped at my side and held his hand out, palm up.
“What?” I snapped, the back of my neck hot at him hearing me talking to myself. “Odd time for a high five.”
He rolled his eyes. “Give me your tie.”
I glanced at him warily. “Not if you’re going to put it around my neck and get all up in my face tying it for me.”
Grayson plucked the tie from around my neck. “Why? Scared I’ll kiss you while I’m at it?”
“I wouldn’t recommend trying it.”
“You kiss Chaos.”
“Doesn’t mean I want to kiss you.”
He chuckled, making a show of putting the tie around his own neck and twisting it around his fingers into a neat knot I would have never in a million years been able to achieve, even if I’d had the YouTube tutorial in front of me every time.
“Don’t worry. I have no interest in kissing you either. Doesn’t mean I can’t help you though. Friends do that.” He loosened it, pulled it over his head, and then held it out to me, asking silent permission to fit it over my head.
I nodded. “Thanks.”
“You aren’t big on suits, huh?”
“Is it that obvious?”
He tugged one end, and the knot magically slid up to sit perfectly at my throat. “Only because you look about as comfortable as patients do when you have to check their prostates.”
I took over the fitting of the tie, straightening it so it hung neatly down the center of my chest and then shoved my hands in the pockets of the dress pants I’d bought the day before. Hadn’t even washed them yet because I was pretty sure there wasn’t an iron at the clubhouse, and I didn’t want to lose the neat front creases the store had pressed into them. “I just wanted everything to be perfect for Kara.”
He spotted her standing close to the grave. She talked with Bliss and Rebel, their kids all occupied by War and Fang letting them run off energy in an open space where they wouldn’t step on graves. A bunch of nurses from the hospital had come, as well as Chaos’s brother, Liam, and his family. All of the club had turned up, from prez to prospect…
I swore under my breath.
Grayson glanced at me. “What’s wrong? Everything is fine.”
“Ice isn’t here.”
“Is that a big deal?”
“Only if anyone wants to drink after this. I had him organizing all the alcohol.”
Grayson elbowed me. “Stop. This whole thing isn’t on your shoulders. I’m sure he’ll be here. And if he isn’t back at the clubhouse with the alcohol when we get there, then who cares? We’ll go buy more.”
I breathed out a slow breath, knowing that was true.
“It’s not your job to make everything right for her, you know.”
“But I want to.”
“Sometimes, I do too. But what she needs right now is you. Me. Chaos. Not alcohol or your tie to be straight.”
“It’s really annoying when you do your shrink thing and think nobody will notice.”
“Am I right though?”
“Nobody likes a know-it-all, Gray.”
He laughed and nudged me with his shoulder. “Come on. Let’s get this thing done so we can go drink…”
I stared at him. I’d literally just told him that if Ice hadn’t made it back from Louisiana then there was nothin’ to drink.
“The pop and juice boxes we bought for the kids.” He rubbed his stomach. “Mmm, delicious.”
I huffed. “Your jokes are as bad as your glove balloons, you do know that, right?”
He took a blue medical glove from his pocket and waved it around in my face. “Need me to make you one? It’ll turn that frown upside down.”
“I’m going to push you into that open grave if you don’t stop.”
But I was battling back a smile as Gray put his stupid glove away, and I was saved the torturous squeaking of his latest attempt at creating a bear or a moose or fuck knows what else.
I’d buy him a proper set of twisting balloons and an instruction book for his birthday.
A t the edge of Alice’s grave, I stood shoulder to shoulder with Gray and Chaos, Kara holding Hayley Jade’s hand just a step in front of us. I stood so close my chest brushed her back, and my fingertips rested on Hayley Jade’s head, needing to be touching her, just in case she got distracted and moved too close to the gaping hole in the ground.
It sent flashbacks of pulling Kara from the earth after she’d been buried alive, and Hayley Jade stared up at me curiously, as if she could sense my tension.
I forced myself to relax and stroked my fingers across her little forehead instead, sweeping the hair back off her face.
She smiled so sweetly, it was all I could do not to sweep her up in my arms and hug and kiss the shit out of her.
“Love you,” I signed to her silently, not wanting to interrupt the priest saying blessings over the coffin while two men from the funeral home lowered it into the ground.
My stomach lurched as it sank toward its final resting spot.
This had to be so much worse for Kara. I couldn’t help myself. I put my arm around her from behind, drawing her close against me.
She sank back, like she needed the touch just as much as I did, her body trembling. “I hate the smell of fresh dirt,” she whispered, only loud enough for me to hear.
After that night, I did, too. Which was why I’d made one request of the priest.
The coffin hit the bottom of the grave and he motioned for me to go ahead.
I took out the little slip of paper where I’d written down what I needed to say because, even though it was only one sentence, I’d known I would fuck it up or sound dumb if I just tried to wing it. I unfolded it and raised my voice enough that everyone could hear. “Instead of throwing soil, I’d like to invite each of you to come forward and take a flower to place on the coffin instead.”
Kara blinked and stared up at me. “Really?”
I shoved the paper back in my pocket and leaned down to kiss her mouth. “I didn’t want you having to put your fingers in the soil. And from what I’ve heard about Alice, brightly colored flowers seemed more her style anyway.”
Kara’s eyes got misty, but she smiled through her tears. “She would approve, I’m sure of it. Thank you.”
I twisted, searching for the basket of flowers, but it wasn’t at the priest’s feet like it was supposed to be. I swore low under my breath, realizing drinks weren’t the only thing I’d asked Ice to take care of. He was also in charge of picking up the flowers from the girl he knew at the florist. “Please tell me Ice is here somewhere by now?”
Everyone looked around, until the new prospect—Collins? Colingwood? Something stupid—cleared his throat. “He’s not here. I think he’s running late…”
Irritation bubbled up inside me. The ceremony was nearly finished. He wasn’t just running late. He’d fucking missed the whole thing.
He’d had one fucking job. Fine, two. But neither of them should have been a big deal. I’d only given them to him because I’d been so busy coordinating everyone else and making sure it was absolutely perfect for her. Hell, he could have outsourced to the other prospects, but he hadn’t even bothered to do that. He’d just not bothered to even turn up.
As usual, Ice couldn’t do the simplest of tasks without irritating me.
Kara put her hand on my arm. “It’s okay. The thought still counts.”
I didn’t want to lose my shit here in the middle of the funeral. But I was more than just angry. I was disappointed. And sad. I might not have known Alice, but Kara had, and the sorrow and grief emanating from her just broke my fucking heart.
All I’d wanted to do was make her smile. I hated I hadn’t been able to. “I’m sorry.”
Chaos leaned his arm against mine, his presence calming something inside me just from having him close. Silently, his fingers laced through mine, in front of everyone.
I didn’t stop him. Didn’t even want to. Didn’t care if everyone knew we were a thing. Not when I couldn’t even deny it to myself.
The priest cleared his throat. “Okay. Well. If we aren’t going to do the soil or the flowers—”
He paused when Hayley Jade darted past him, a blur of dark-blue dress and flying hair.
“Hayley Jade!” I shouted, lunging for her, terrified she was going to slip and end up sliding down on top of the coffin.
But Kara grabbed my arm. “Wait. Let her go.”
Against every feeling inside me that screamed to run after the little girl, I stood still, because Kara had that effect on me. As much as she might have liked me telling her what to do in bed, the moment she gave a command outside it, I had no desire to do anything but follow.
But I wasn’t taking my eyes off that kid.
My kid.
She ran to the edge of the graveyard, where the manicured lawns gave way to trees they hadn’t cut down yet to make more room for new burial sites. The grass grew long between the trees, wildflowers sprinkling color throughout.
Hayley Jade stopped, crouched, and picked a handful of them.
A tiny smile grew across my face as she ran them back to us and held them up to me.
I knelt in front of her. “You’re pretty clever, kid.”
She nodded, like she’d been told that a time or two before.
“Girl knows what she’s doing!” Queenie called out loudly from somewhere behind us. “Come on, y’all.” She led the group to the edge of the trees, and one by one, everyone spread out, collecting as many of the wildflowers growing there as they could find.
I passed some of the bouquet Hayley Jade had picked to Kara, Chaos, and Grayson, and when the rest of the group returned and took up their places, I took Hayley Jade’s hand and led her to the edge of the grave.
Together we tossed in our flowers, watching them land on the polished wood coffin.
Hayley Jade waved sadly at the flowers, and I led her away, circling around to the back so everyone else could have their turn. Chaos, Kara, and Grayson all approached together, everyone else lining up behind them. One by one, our family and friends covered the coffin in the wildflowers until there was none left.
The priest finished his blessings and went back up to his church. Rebel hugged Kara and said she’d see us back at the clubhouse for the party. Madden whined at Rebel’s feet, and Lavender was crying in Vaughn’s arms at the edge of the group, her eyes tired and her face screwed up in an angry scowl.
Rebel cringed at her cranky daughter, but her words were for her sister. “We’re all going home for quick naps, but we’ll be over at the clubhouse soon.”
Kara thanked them for coming, and they disappeared into the crowd.
War and his family approached, Bliss hugging Kara and War clapping me on the shoulder. “It was a good thing you did, with the flowers. Thoughtful, some might even say. Others might speak of how very unlike you it is.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Where you going with this?”
He grinned. “Others, not me of course, might even call you pussy-whipped.”
I gave him the middle finger. “Fuck off.”
He clapped me on the shoulder. “You gave me so much shit about Bliss and Scythe. And now you’re doing exactly the same fucking thing. Holding hands with a guy while your other arm is around your girl.”
“You noticed that, huh?”
“Everyone did. And I don’t think you care.”
I didn’t. “How long until you get over that?”
War slung his arm around my shoulders. “Oh, there’s no getting over it. I’m going to be paying out on you for years to come. I haven’t even scratched the surface of the shit I’m going to give you. So, you a top or a bottom?”
I shoved him away good-naturedly, knowing I deserved it and more. And honestly, not even minding that much.
The roar of a motorcycle had us all pausing and looking over as someone in full leathers and a full-face helmet kicked gravel up on the barely-there road that snaked through the cemetery.
The engine cut out, and he got off his bike, pulling off his helmet.
Ice looked like shit, his hair a mess, his eyes red-rimmed like he was hung over or high.
Anger swirled inside me as Ice’s gaze landed on me and he started making his way through the crowd.
“Easy,” War warned beneath his breath, jokes about the reverse harem I’d found myself in put aside. “Kara doesn’t need you getting in a fist fight right now.”
I breathed out slowly, knowing he was right.
Everything had turned out okay in the end.
But that was real hard to remember when it was clear Ice had gone on a bender instead of doing what he was supposed to do.
He stopped in front of me. “I’m so fucking sorry. I know I forgot the flowers.”
I didn’t say anything. What was there to say? If I opened my mouth, I was probably just going to make things worse. It wasn’t even just about the flowers. It was about the fact I’d asked him to do something important and he’d decided going out and getting lit was more important.
“Where have you been?” War asked, clearly no happier than I was.
“At the Louisiana club. I only just got back into town. Drove all night.”
War shook his head. “Your business there was done days ago, so that ain’t gonna fly. You just stayed to party, that about right?”
Ice didn’t say anything. But War took his silence as confirmation. “You’re supposed to be Kara’s friend. You should have been here for her. But you’d rather be with Riot and his boys than with me and mine when we needed you. That how it goes? You want to patch in with Riot and his crew?”
Ice shook his head.
War’s face twisted into a scowl. “Don’t lie to me. Riot called me this morning and said you’d asked him to join the Louisiana chapter.”
I blinked. War hadn’t said a word to me about that, though fuck knows I’d been run off my feet this morning and hadn’t had a chance to talk to him before now. “What the fuck? Why the hell would you want to do that for? You know the shit they’re into!”
Ice’s face paled. “He said he wouldn’t say anything…”
“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for trusting Riot. He’s not exactly known for being honest.” War sounded tired. “This needs to be discussed in church. Not here, where people are grieving, and the sight of your face pisses me off. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or whenever the fuck I feel calm enough to deal with it.”
Ice nodded and turned away, slinking back to his bike and pulling on his helmet without talking to anyone else.
War sighed as Ice rode away, everyone staring after him. War reached over for Kara, touching her arm gently to get her attention. “I’m really sorry about that.”
She shook her head. “No. It’s okay. I understand it’s club business.”
He nodded. “Can I borrow Hawk for just a minute?”
“Of course.” But Kara’s big eyes were full of worry.
I gave her a reassuring nod and then turned to Grayson. “Can you take her home? I have my bike and I won’t be far behind.”
“Sure.”
War dropped a kiss onto Bliss’s mouth, whispered something in her ear, and then she walked away with the rest of the club, everyone making their way to the parking lot.
When it was just me and War left by the gravesite, he sighed. “We’ve fucked up with Ice.”
I screwed up my face, not wanting to admit it, but he was probably right. “We should have patched him in earlier, shouldn’t we?”
War shoved his hands in the pockets of his dark denim jeans. “He fucked up today. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. Both with not being here when he was supposed to. And in asking Riot to make him a member. But I feel like we pushed him into it.”
“It’s not all on you. Your whole life has changed in the past five years. This club isn’t your number one priority anymore.”
“I’m the prez. I should have been leading better. Making sure he was getting somewhere, building that trust with him so I felt comfortable patching him in.”
I shook my head. “Nah. It falls on me. I’m supposed to take your spot when you aren’t around. But I’ve had my head in the fucking clouds, dreaming about doing anything but Slayers’ shit.”
War glanced at me. “The paramedic shit, you mean? That’s what you’ve been thinking about?”
I shrugged. “It’s all I’ve really wanted to do for years. My heart ain’t in this life. I love this club. And I love my brothers. I don’t want to leave. But I want more.”
War gave a little laugh. “All I’ve been doing for years is raising babies. And it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”
I choked on a laugh. “Our old men are rolling over in their graves right now, aren’t they?”
He shrugged. “Probably. But fuck them. They were assholes anyway. There’s nothing to say we can’t run this club the way we want to. We don’t have to run it the same way they did.”
I breathed out slowly. “So what are we saying here? Are we out? Are we shutting down the club?”
War recoiled like I’d slapped him. “Fuck no. That club is family for the people who live there. Queenie and Aloha. Ice. The girls. There’ll always be the Saint View Slayers. But maybe we’re just different now. Maybe we’re more of a…”
I widened my eyes at him. “If you say we’re a Sunday social club, who just ride out to pretty places to look at the scenery, I’m going to have to kick you in the balls.”
He sniggered. “We’ll work it out. But I think the first thing we need to do, despite the fuckups he’s made lately, is patch Ice in.”
I rolled my eyes, but I knew he was right. “Fine. We can announce it at the wake tonight once everyone gets there. But not Colon.”
“Who?”
“The other prospect. I still need at least one of them to torture.”
“I don’t think that’s his name.”
I shrugged. “Close enough.”