Chapter 10
After the assembly, Alan Goulding found it difficult to sleep. His mind kept replaying his dance with Mary. It was the first time he could ever remember that she seemed truly pleased to give him her attention.
Always before she had given it begrudgingly simply because he forced her to. Now, however, she seemed genuinely happy with him. Though she had not smiled during their dance, her eyes had glowed with pleasure, and her cheeks had gradually become quite rosy.
He would have been content with just that, more than content in fact, but when the dance was over, she had given him one of her rare smiles.
Some of his neighbors and friends thought that, because Mary didn’t smile often, she must be rather unpleasant company.
Alan knew better. When allowed to speak her mind, she had a keen sense of humor.
It was only that her laughter tended to stay inside rather than bursting out with a raucous sound like her mother and younger sisters.
Alan actually liked the fact that she didn’t smile much.
It made her eyes so much more interesting when they reflected the laughter that was within.
Besides, everyone knows that things that are rare are worth more.
It was the same with Mary’s smiles. The few that he had seen were treasures he had stored away in his mind.
Alan had spent many hours this way over the years, replaying scenes and images of Mary and experiencing all over again an echo of the pleasure he had felt in her company. The activity had never kept him awake like this, however.
What was keeping him awake was that he realized he had come to a crossroads.
He had promised to explain to Mary why he had behaved the way he did when they were younger.
As he tried to organize his thoughts, he realized that he could not possibly explain it in any believable way without confessing to feelings which, once expressed, would be expected to be followed by a marriage proposal.
Alan loved Mary, but he wasn’t certain he was ready to marry her. He was only twenty-one, old enough to know what a responsibility it was to marry someone and raise children but young enough to not truly wish to take on such responsibility. There was still more fun to be had.
That thought stopped him in his tracks. Was there truly more fun to be had? He had gone to London to chase such “fun,” and what had the experience gained him? A daily hangover and a life he could only remember hazily.
Would it truly be so bad to settle down? His parents would certainly let him have the dower house until they were ready to hand over the main house to them, and he could only imagine how Mary would gradually fix it up and turn it into a perfectly comfortable and welcoming home.
Eventually, children would come along, and Mary would be the perfect mother for them, gently teaching them all they needed to know and instilling those principles that would help them grow up to be useful, happy adults.
He could easily picture her reading a book to two or three children sitting around her.
He could imagine her planning meals and presiding over a small dinner party or just a family dinner.
He could imagine her visiting sick tenants and helping them however she could, whether that be helping to clean or minding their children for a spell.
He also knew from experience that he could easily imagine her performing her more personal wifely duties. Though he clamped down on such thoughts during his waking hours to avoid disrespecting her, they had regularly appeared in his dreams.
In short, Mary would be a perfect wife. It only remained to be determined if Alan could be a perfect husband.
That was still very much in question.
Without ever truly coming to an answer, Alan finally managed to find sleep only an hour before dawn.
~~~~~
The day after the assembly, Elizabeth’s closest friend, Charlotte Lucas, visited along with her mother and younger sister, Maria, to discuss all that had happened at the assembly.
Usually, Elizabeth enjoyed the chat but wasn’t overly absorbed by it, for her mother and Lady Lucas had a tendency to read too much into basic benign interactions.
Today, however, she was very much interested in everything everyone said simply because she had been too surrounded by her many new and insincere suitors to be able to see much of what happened.
Other than the knowledge that Jane had danced the first with Mr. Bingley and that Lydia had danced every dance, she knew nothing whatsoever.
Mary made herself scarce for the duration, as she always did, for she had little tolerance for excessive amounts of gossip and speculation, but the other four Bennet daughters were all prepared to join in the discussion and add any little tidbit the others might have missed.
It didn’t take long for the subject to come around to their new neighbors, and the first to be brought up was, of course, Mr. Bingley.
“You know, Mr. Bingley danced the first dance with Jane. As soon as they were introduced, he was so struck by her beauty that he simply couldn’t help himself.
He even asked her to dance a second time later in the evening. ”
Of course, Elizabeth already knew this since Mama had crowed about it three times on their way home last night. Elizabeth was more interested to note that, instead of looking irritated at their mother’s repetitiveness, Jane had a tiny shy smile on her lips.
The subject didn’t last long, because Lady Lucas quickly grew tired of listening to Mrs. Bennet’s boasts. As early as she could get a word in edgewise, she said, “I noticed that Elizabeth received a great deal of attention.”
Elizabeth winced. She had, indeed, received a great deal of attention, but she wasn’t exactly happy about it.
“They were simply trying to gain my fortune,” she said. “I am certain there was nothing more than that. Once they realize that I have no intention of marrying anyone I’ve known all my life, the furor will die down, and things will go back to normal.”
“So, you won’t be taking advantage of it to finally get married?” cried Lydia. “What a waste. If I had been given a fortune like yours, I would look around our neighborhood and find the handsomest man and convince him to marry me.”
“You don’t need a fortune to pick out the handsomest man,” said Kitty. “You should already know that. It must be Alan Goulding.”
“No, no,” said Lydia. “He is too baby-faced. He still looks like a boy. I would much prefer someone full-grown who is manly and strong. I think Jacob Smith much more handsome than Alan Goulding.”
Elizabeth was relieved that the conversation hadn’t lingered too long over her fortune and the attention she received. While she was grateful for the security her fortune had given her, she couldn’t say that she was pleased with so much insincere attention.
As the conversation shifted once again, she tried to forget her own worries as she became absorbed in all the news that was to be shared.