Clearing the Air
*
Climbing out of the hole
“I’m glad you came in today.”
I wrung my hands, avoiding Paige’s gaze. Skipping those appointments wasn’t avoidance—it was fear. I didn’t know how to face this alone.
A group of flat canvases, their images hidden from view, sat before me. I nodded weakly, trying to gain the confidence to speak up.
“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” I finally uttered.
Paige shook her head. “You have no reason to apologize. You need to come when you want to. As long as you were okay, that’s the only thing important to me.”
My shoulders loosened. I had spent so many weeks with my family and job, and I was so concerned about Robert’s feelings that I had forgotten what it was like to be around Paige.
She gave me a feeling of grounding. It allowed me just to be.
“My mom declined palliative care.”
Paige nodded, softly saying, “That must be hard for you, Bree. How are you handling it?”
I crossed my arms. “I just—”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek and leaned forward, my el bows on my knees. “I don’t understand it. She’s in pain. Why would she want to stay in pain?”
Paige shrugged. “There are many reasons. What would you do if you were in her situation?”
I hadn’t thought about that.
In forty or more years from now, what would I do?
Would I want to go comfortably to bed and say goodbye to my family on my terms, or would I want to be present?
“I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with my pain. I’d take the care and pass in peace.”
Paige reached for her notebook, and I saw the pen spring to life. I must have said a magic word that triggered something.
“I’d love to spend more time with my hypothetical future family, but stretching it out is just hard on everyone. It’s not like there is an afterlife where I’ll get bonus points for sticking around.”
“But your mother believes in an afterlife, correct?”
Paige knew the answer, but I nodded anyway.
I expected her to interject again, but she stayed quiet, watching me. I grimaced. “What, will you tell me I’m selfish for wanting to end it early? That I should stick around just because others love me?”
Paige shook her head. “No, I was going to say your answer is the opposite. It’s so selfless, and it’s painful to hear.”
I arched a brow as she continued, “You literally are suggesting you’d want to die quickly, not to bother anyone. You are taking yourself out of the equation because you think your presence is a problem for others.”
Oh, holy shit.
I hesitated, looking away from Paige.
She was right. I just didn’t know what to say.
“Do you think you intentionally make yourself pleasing and unintrusive to others?”
Yes , my brain screamed.
“I don’t think people would like me if they got to know me.”
Paige arched a brow. “So, you are telling me that Robert doesn’t know you?”
I chewed on my lip; Robert knew me. Though he was back home, he and I barely talked, only seeing each other at meals.
I suddenly tasted metallic warmth trickling into my mouth. I released my lip and placed my fingers there.
Blood. I bit my lip so hard I was bleeding.
My finger.
My lip.
What else would I harm in pursuit of this?
Paige reached forward with a tissue box. “Bree, how are you doing, really?”
How was I?
How was I?
I was a mess. I wasn’t sleeping, or I was sleeping too much. I’d lost my job. I’d hurt my spouse. I didn’t have any real friends. My mother was dying. I hated her, but I couldn’t imagine my life without her —
“Bree, come back.”
I blinked, and Paige leaned forward, her hands on my own. I met her eyes, finding a rare warmth as my face burned from my tears.
Paige deeply breathed. “We’ll review your paintings next session. In the meantime, I want you to take a moment and express what is going on.”
I scoffed. “What, like a vent session?”
She pursed her lips. “Yeah. Like you do with friends.”
I wanted to snort. “You have to have friends to do that.”
She raised a brow. “You have no friends? What about the girls you were with for your birthday?”
I shook my head. “We’re all friendly, but they aren’t my friends.”
Paige tapped her pen on the page. “Explain.”
I sighed, reached for another tissue, and wiped my eyes. My makeup came off too.
“I can’t call on any of them. They are like fair-weather friends.”
Paige nodded. “So, if you need people for a party.”
“Exactly. I could never depend on those people to get me out of a bind.”
“But friends come in all levels. What you are talking about is a best friend. Normal friends can just be there.”
“Not in my experience.”
She studied me, then said with a frown, “You mentioned in the past that Robert frustrates you because he has no friends.”
I sighed. “I didn’t say that.”
Paige rolled her chair back, grabbed a file in her cabinet, flipped it, and calmly said, “February 13th, ‘Robert complained that I was out for four hours without updating him. It’s clear this is because he has no friends.’”
I grimaced. “All right, yes. I said that. So what?”
Paige rolled her chair back over. “Do you think you push people away because you feel like if you aren’t 100 percent there for Robert, no one else will be?”
What kind of enabling shit was this?
“Are you saying I’m chasing people away so Robert doesn’t have to face being alone?”
“Yeah. That sounds about right.”
I scoffed as Paige continued, “Bree, I need you to hear me. You are a wonderful, kind person. You are selfless. You are willing to put yourself in harm’s way so others don’t. Because of this, you self-destruct.”
I arched a brow. “Explain.”
Paige chuckled. “You don’t know who you are, and you’re so desperate to feel loved that you keep setting yourself on fire just to keep others warm. Whether it be at the bar with your friends or letting your unemployed spouse spend hundreds of dollars when you are about to be laid off.”
My eyes widened as Paige paused. She said calmly, “Bree, I want you to see your family doctor this week.”
“Why?”
“I think you would benefit from an antidepressant.”
At this, I laughed. “You think I need meds to pretend I’m normal, like my sister?”
Paige raised her pen. “One, I don’t think you are abnormal.
And two”—she leaned forward—“I think you have a situation where you are chasing things that don’t exist. You don’t know who you are, and you are so desperate to be loved that you are willing to harm yourself.
These next few weeks are going to get worse.
As your mother becomes weaker, you’ll have to face your issues along with hers. ”
I laced my fingers, trembling slightly.
“You need to give yourself a chance to get through this. If not, you may not let yourself stay in a position to heal. Bree?”
Paige’s voice softened, but her eyes stayed firm. “Do you hear me?”