Sense of Self
*
Confidence comes in many flavors.
The next ten days blurred into the routine. Robert arrived past midnight, slept through Saturday, did laundry on Sunday, and vanished again by Monday morning.
I watched him pull on his sweatpants, the fabric slipping low on his hips before he yanked the drawstrings tight. All that digging had carved him lean again—his old swimmer’s abs reemerging like muscle memory, cut and defined beneath sunburnt skin.
I wrapped my arms around my softer middle, suddenly hyper-aware of every burrito I’d stress-eaten this month. Heat crept up my neck. I wasn’t sure if it was shame or want. Probably both.
I cleared my throat, forcing my eyes away from the sharp V of his torso. “So, I was thinking… how about I come to you after this next ten day session?”
He smirked, “You want to drive to Wyoming?”
I shrugged, “Why not? I do know how to drive.”
Robert walked over and sat beside me on the bed. “Are you comfortable driving that far by yourself? The furthest you’ve ever driven alone was Manhattan.”
The little apple, not the real Manhattan.
I grinned, “I have a thirty-five-hour audiobook and can buy myself some sugar-free energy drinks. I’ll be fine.”
The way his face lit up made my heart melt. But then his face fell.
“I can’t ask you to do that. Not with the state your mom is in.”
I wanted to kiss him for being considerate. However, I would not be deterred from this.
I shook my head, “Nope, you don’t get to make this decision for me.”
He sighed, “I don’t want you there with me, and then… if she dies, you’ll blame me for keeping you away.”
I scowled, “First, I won’t blame you. Second, I agree with Martha: I don’t want to miss out on living just because she’s dying.”
Robert swallowed as I moved forward, pressing my lips to his. I could feel his tense body shift as we locked in our embrace.
I broke the kiss as I said softly, “Not to mention, she’s not going to die. She’s aiming to die right after we move to guilt me.”
“How about a compromise?”
I raised a brow as he continued, “Drive to Denver instead. There is less chance your GPS will lose service, and I can be with you in three hours.”
I smirked, “Three-hour delivery? That’s premium. What’s the charge?”
He reached forward, taking my backside into his hands as he smirked. “A hotel room, your presence, and a massive bathtub.”
“What will we be doing in this tub, Mr. Rook?”
Robert leaned forward, capturing my lips again. It took us only moments to remove our clothes.
Louisa warned me to avoid coming to see Mom for a few days. Her pain medication was knocking her out, and when she was conscious, she was mean. Not in her usual selfish, guilt-tripping way, but in a nitpicking everyone’s appearances until they cried.
I took that permission and ran with it.
I picked up Robert’s car from the repair shop, paid a $1000 deductible, and regrettably returned the keys to a new Toyota I was borrowing.
I booked the movers, attempting not to panic about how we would pay for them. I started eating vegetarian food again. I went to my parents’ house to tend to their garden while they slept at Renee’s.
I spent $250 on my hair and attempted not to cry when I swiped my card.
I painted. I read novels for the first time in years. I went for hikes by myself.
Wine in hand, I sank into the bath. Suddenly, it hit me—this was my first time living for myself. No guilt. No pressure. Just me.
I didn’t make food that Robert would eat, and I didn’t care for my parents’ garden because of their motives.
I wasn’t taking care of myself because I was told to. I just did.
The day before I left, I tackled the beast: cleaning out his car. I wouldn’t say I’m a slob, but I gather things—Taco Bell bags, stray shoes, fifteen water bottles—and then forget they exist.
I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m ashamed of my messes. However, for once, I would take care of it myself.
I loaded the car with snacks, drinks, and my duffle bag with everything I needed for four days in Denver. I felt like the single most empowered woman in existence—
Rob (1 missed call)
“Shit,” I uttered as I frantically pounded his name on the phone until it started to dial.
“Hey, oh, I’m so glad I caught you -“
Robert let out a small laugh, “Yeah, I am too. I will be here for a bit, though; I had to come with some other crew members who are grocery shopping.”
“Oh, you drove them to the store?”
Silence.
“Rob?”
His voice was tight. Too quiet.
“Bree… I fucked up.”