Chapter 19 - Andie
Chapter Nineteen - Andie
For the first time in a while I feel happy, like truly happy. I’m inclined to see him again and I find myself nodding.
“I’d like that.” I hear myself saying. But as we begin parting ways, he leans over to kiss my cheek goodbye.
That one kiss took all the happiness, all the joy and ripped it away with a rush of feelings.
It wasn’t the butterflies in the stomach or the heart-pounding excitement I felt before.
Rather, it was heartbreak . . . pure heartbreak.
I came here to make sense of my life without Cody, not to start seeing other people. This isn’t right. I should never have agreed to see him again. Moving on with another man was never the intent. I was only supposed to move forward with my life and find some joy and meaning for myself.
When he pulls away, he must see my eyes tearing up. “Andie? Are you okay?” His brows furrow with concern as I stand there in shock. Completely disconnecting from myself, wishing to be anywhere but here. It must be painfully apparent to Spencer that I am not okay right now.
“I’m so sorry. I—I have to go.” The weighed down feeling of chains releases just enough to allow my body to bolt for the elevator like the roadrunner escaping from Wile E. Coyote. Spencer’s left in a cloud of confusion, with no explanation, and no chance to react.
Something must have broken my ability to hold my composure when Cody died because my chest feels constricted with sobs as my shoulders shake with every emotion my body is trying to display all at once.
Every part of me tells me to run and disconnect from the world again the moment I hit my room, the door unintentionally slams behind me.
Pillows become soaked with my pain, the feeling like I’m starting to move on too soon, the feeling of infidelity showing up to the party now.
Lost in my own sadness, I’m oblivious to the sound of Maddie as she comes into my room.
“So, I was thinking for dinner . . . Oh my god, Andie what’s wrong?
What happened?” I’m not sure if I want to talk to Maddie about my feelings or if I should just blow it off.
Obviously, I have to say something since the unwanted droplets continue streaming down my face like a damn faucet turned all the way on.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit in a whisper through my sobs. She wraps her arms around me, and I cry it out till I’m too tired and worn out to continue.
“Start whenever you’re ready, no rush girl.” After a while of comfort Maddie gets us cozy for the depressive tales of my woes and worries. It was time to dish out the truth to Maddie once we are cuddled under a blanket with a couple pints of our favorite ice creams and spoons.
“So, you know Spencer?” I ask.
“Spencer . . . oh Spencer from the club?” I nod to indicate she is on the right track. “Ding ding ding you got it,” I say before throwing the spoonful of cookie dough ice cream in my mouth.
“Yeah, why?” she asks.
“Well, I ran into him today and he was kind enough to show me some of the sights around Chicago.” I pause for dramatic effect, but Maddie is impatiently glued to me waiting for how a morning with a sweet guy turns ugly.
Anticipating the moment, I tell her he has a secret family, or a foot fetish. Something that would make him less appealing or give her a reason to hate him. That part of the story won’t come though because he’s absolutely perfect.
“He even took me out to lunch. It was a really great day and really enjoyable. I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in months.” The end of my story clearly puzzling her as she waits for more. When she realizes it isn’t coming, she chimes in.
“Andie, that’s great! But I still don’t understand . . . if it was so amazing why are you crying?”
“Maddie, it’s everything. This guy is beyond amazing. He’s caring, thoughtful, charming, and sexy as hell, but I can’t start seeing him.” Can she not see the issue or is this all just in my head?
“I’m really not seeing the problem here.” She’s trying to track my concern, but it isn’t like I’m listing a bunch of red flags here so she struggles to find it.
“It really hasn’t been that long since Cody died. It’s way too soon to be thinking about dating again. I mean, how does that make me look? What does that say about me as a person? For me to be able to date again mere months after my husband’s death?”
Click . . . that final piece of the puzzle falls into place. The understanding written all over her face now.
A hint of sadness outlines her features, but it isn’t sympathy. It’s the look you give someone when you understand their hurting, but you’re unsure how to help them.
“Andie, look, I can’t tell you how long the appropriate time is to wait after losing your husband, only you will be able to gauge that.
” I can feel my face overheating and my eyes burning with a sting of sadness from her words of wisdom, but my emotions get shut down as she continues.
“However, I can tell you how you know if it’s okay to move on.
Cody would want you to be happy, he wouldn’t want you to sit and wallow over him every day.
He wouldn’t ask you to put your life on hold, or to stop living because he isn’t physically here.
Cody would want you to live your life to the fullest even if that means living it with another person. ”
She puts the ice cream down, grabbing my hands to really emphasize her point.
“No one will replace him, and you will never forget him. But maybe if you’re having feelings for someone else, you owe it to yourself to explore these feelings.
Maybe Spencer can add just a bit more happiness to your life. Maybe you won’t feel so alone.”
She isn’t entirely wrong. Cody would want me to be happy, so maybe just maybe she’s right about Spencer. He isn’t Cody, and he isn’t trying to be. He doesn’t know about my husband’s passing, and he isn’t taking pity on me. He’s interested in me as a person.
I begin to explore the possibility that Maddie’s right, that I should give Spencer a chance and see where it goes. It could end up only being a short fling or just a friendship. I’m still not ready to move on, but I am sure I really like Spencer and would like to see more of him.
“Maybe? Part of me really wants to see where things could go with him,” I admit to Maddie. “But maybe it’s just too soon. I just don’t think it would be best to spend too much time with him right now.”
“If that’s what you want, I’ll support it,” Maddie says with a sigh.
“I don’t agree with you—at all—but I’ve also never been in your position, so I’ll support you however you need.
Just promise me you’ll at least think about what I said?
And maybe stop running from men who act as your knight in shining armor.
It’s not like he’s going to propose to you on the spot after one date. ”
“Okay, I’ll think about it.” I say, rolling my eyes, but smiling despite myself. We spent the next few hours enjoying ice cream and girl time, completely skipping the dinner she had planned. Maddie swears it’s fine, but the guilt eats at me for ruining her good intentions.
“Dinner is planned for tomorrow night. It’s a surprise, and there will be no skipping it.” Maddie announces from the couch as I enter the main room after a much-needed shower.
She’s excited and suspiciously sly so my guard is up making sure she doesn’t plan something that will cause me to stress out. I’ll bite though, Maddie knows me best and after the last few days playing dress-up sounds exactly like the distraction I need.