15. Noah
Chapter 15
Noah
I swipe my sweaty hands down my navy utility pants and adjust my seated position in my bunk. Any minute now, my phone is going to light up with a video call from Lilly. I’m meeting Noelle today. I didn’t want to wait any longer than I had to, but I’m on shift today, so we thought this would work in our favor.
Noelle will get a chance to get to know me with the barrier of the phone between us, and I’ll be able to see my daughter for the first time. The only downside to doing this on shift is that one of the guys could interrupt the call at any moment. Not to mention an alarm going off.
The second my phone rings, I press the green button. Lilly’s face fills my screen, and a grin stretches across my cheeks. She has her brown hair braided into pigtails today. It makes her look ten years younger, reminding me of the girl I met all those years ago.
“Hey, Bumblebee.” Her old nickname slides off my tongue without thought.
Her eyes soften. “Hi. How’s your shift going?”
“Good so far. It’s lunchtime, so all the guys are eating. We should be able to get a few minutes without any interruptions.”
“That’s good.”
“Can I talk now?” a little voice says from off-screen. Lilly grins and moves the camera over so I can see them both sitting on the couch.
“Nellie, this is your dad, Noah.”
She tilts her head as if she’s studying every part of my face.
“Hi, Nellie. It’s nice to meet you.” God, just looking at her is making my chest ache. She’s the perfect combination of Lilly and me.
“We have the same color eyes. And the same nose. And hair. Statistically, that would indicate we’re related.”
My grin widens. “Yes, it would. You have the same shape mouth as your mom, though.”
“Aunt Christine says my chin is the same as Mom’s, too. Especially when I’m being stubborn.”
Lilly rolls her eyes but laughs at the same time.
“Mom said you didn’t know about me.”
I glance at Lilly for guidance, but her face doesn’t give anything away. “No, I didn’t. I wish I could’ve been around while you were growing up.”
“Are you going to move in with us now that you know about me?”
Lilly splutters while my eyebrows rise. Nellie just sits there, waiting for an answer, not realizing her question is much more complicated than she believes.
“Not right now, kiddo. I would like to spend some time with you, though. Would that be okay?”
Nellie shrugs. “Sure. Can we go to the playground? I like to swing.”
I’m about to agree when Lilly interrupts. “Not today, Nells. Noah is working. Do you see his shirt?”
“That’s a firefighter logo.”
“It is. Noah is a firefighter. He works twenty-four-hour shifts and then gets two days off.
“Okay. We’ll go to the playground tomorrow.”
I might be half asleep, but no way am I telling her I can’t hang out with her tomorrow. “Absolutely. I might need a short nap after my shift, so how about I pick you up at two in the afternoon?”
She nods. “See you tomorrow, Dad.” Nellie stands from the couch and walks away while my heart thunders in my chest. I never expected her to call me Dad right away.
Holy shit, I’m a dad. This is real.
Tears fill Lilly’s eyes as she watches Nellie move around the room behind the camera. I’m still in a state of shock. I can’t imagine the emotion moving through Lilly right now.
“Are you sure you can meet her tomorrow? Changes in her schedule aren’t easy for her to handle, so you need to be positive you can come.”
“I’ll be there, Lills. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. Even if I have to mainline caffeine, I’ll show up.” I swallow to keep control of my emotions. “She’s gorgeous, Lilly. The pictures you sent don’t even come close to representing her.”
Lilly smiles. “I know. She’s the best kid in the entire world.”
“You’ll come with us to the playground, right? I don’t want to accidentally mess something up for Nellie until I understand how she thinks better. I tried to do some research last night, but there was too much information to parse through.”
She makes a face of commiseration. “Tell me about it. It’s overwhelming at first. I’ll send you some of the most helpful articles I’ve found.”
“That would be amazing. Send over everything you have. I can read through it while we have downtime.”
“I’ll do that.”
We’re quiet for a few seconds until I find the courage to ask my burning question. “She called me Dad. How do you feel about that?”
Lilly snorts. “I should be asking you that. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Nellie is very literal. The second she saw the similarities between the two of you and understood you truly were her dad, there wasn’t a question about it. The title belongs to you, therefore she is going to call you by that name. That’s the beginning and end of it for her.”
I nod my head in understanding. “That makes sense. I’m not going to lie, it took me off guard. It hadn’t completely sunk in until she said the word. It also made me feel accepted by her. I won’t take it for granted, though. I know I have work to do to prove to both you and Nellie that I will show up, no matter what.”
Swallowing hard, Lilly stares at me through the screen. “Please don’t let us down, Noah. Neither of us would be okay if you suddenly changed your mind about being part of our lives.”
“You’re mine, Bumblebee. You always have been. And so is our little girl. I won’t give you up for anything.”
“Noah!”
Dad’s voice startles me. I turn to where he’s standing in the doorway of the rec room as the noise of the guys starts to filter in again. My thoughts had been on Noelle long enough that I’d tuned out everyone around me.
“Come see me in my office.”
“Ohhhh,” the guys taunt. “LJ’s in trouble,” someone singsongs. I don’t bother to find out who. Dad’s eye roll gives me every indication that I’m not, in fact, in trouble.
I follow behind him as we walk to his office. It took some time to get used to seeing him here when he became chief after his uncle Jack. This was always the place I came to play and hang out when I couldn’t help Dad. Uncle Jack would give me a sucker and say, “It’s time to get to work, son.” Then he’d hand me my favorite puzzle book and sit me at the table by his desk. He’d do actual work while I’d pretend to be doing the same thing with my puzzles. Every so often, he’d look over at me and wink. Two generations of James men have been fire chiefs. I can’t deny that I don’t want the position one day, too.
Dad sits down at the same table I used to play at and nods his head toward the chair next to him. I have no idea what this chat could be about. I haven’t made any progress on my lieutenant certifications, which he knows, so it can’t be about that.
“What’s up?” I finally ask when he doesn’t say anything.
“I was just about to ask you the same thing.” He raises a dark eyebrow, his signature move to call out bullshit. He’s my complete opposite in almost every way. His dark hair, dark brown eyes, and tan complexion give him an air of broodiness I could never attempt to emulate. Add in the fact that he can actually be pretty broody and you get this menacing quality about him.
The thing not many people understand about Dad is that he’s a giant marshmallow on the inside. You get him one-on-one and he suddenly turns into this soft teddy bear of a human being. He also shows love with his whole self. There’s no halfway with Dad.
“You’ve been distracted this past week. I’ve let it go, thinking you’d talk to me about it, but since you haven’t, I figured it was time to step in.”
I bite my lip, my finger tapping the top of the table. What do I tell him? The answer comes immediately. Everything. But knowing it and doing it are two very different things.
A quick look at Dad’s face is all I need to find the words. He has nothing but patience and love in his eyes.
I lift my head, needing to see his face as my confession comes tumbling out of me. “I have a daughter.”
Dad’s eyes widen, and his mouth drops open. Before he can say anything, words start spilling out of me. I tell him about mine and Lilly’s run-in at the grocery store, our night after Donna’s, how we made the connection that her parents lied to us, everything.
Tears begin to fall as all the emotions finally hit me. “She’s been in this world for eight years, and I never knew about her, Dad. How do I accept that? How can I just move forward as if I’ve been in her life this whole time?” I have to take a deep breath before I completely lose it. “I’m so angry. At Lilly. At her parents. Even at myself for not doing a goddamn thing to find Lilly. I wanted to drive to Greensboro so many times, but I never did. What if I had? What if I’d gotten over my own bullshit and tracked her down? I could’ve had all this time with both of them. I could’ve been there for her through everything.”
I drop my forehead into my hands as I cry. I’ve been shoving everything to the side, wanting to be strong for Lilly and Noelle. I wanted them to see me as capable of taking care of them. Now, it’s all pouring out of me in the cathartic heaves of my shoulders.
Dad rubs my back in soothing circles and then pulls me into his chest. The safety of his arms wraps around me like they used to when I’d had a nightmare. It’s exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
He holds me until I can finally get control over myself. I pull away from his chest to grab a wad of tissues. Dad keeps his hand on my back, a silent gesture of support. In the ensuing silence, while I clean my face, I start to worry about what he’ll say in response. Is he going to be pissed? Disappointed? I finally get the courage to look at his face, and, of course, all I see is love.
“I am so proud of you Noah,” he starts. “Not many young men would’ve handled this situation with as much patience as you have. I wish you would’ve talked to me sooner. Your mom and I could’ve helped you navigate this, but I can understand why you didn’t.”
“I had too many questions I needed answered before I could even think of bringing up the subject. I knew if I said anything, you guys—Mom especially—would have asked all the questions I didn’t have answers to yet. I would’ve gotten frustrated with her, which wouldn’t have been fair.”
Dad nods in understanding. “I get it. Now, my next question is, do you have a picture?”
A wide grin splits my face. “Oh, yeah. Lilly sent me a bunch.” I pull out my phone and open the album I made. I start flipping through the photos, starting with when Noelle was a baby.
“I can’t get over how much she looks just like you.” Dad smiles at me.
“I know. It’s a little weird to see a kid with my same features.”
Dad’s face sobers. “You know I won’t be able to keep this from your mom, right?”
I nod. “Yeah, I know. I’ll tell her tomorrow.”
“Do you want me to be there? I can probably get away from the station for a bit.”
“Nah, I’ll be all right. I’m hanging out with Lilly and Noelle tomorrow afternoon, so if anything, I can use that as an excuse to leave.”
Dad laughs. “Good luck with that. She’ll want to go with you.”
I grimace. “I didn’t think about that. I’ll talk to her after I get off shift. Then you can be there to help me calm her down.”
“I see how it is. You just want to use me as a shield.”
“Hell yeah. Mom’s scary sometimes.”
Dad throws his head back with a laugh. “You’ve got that right. It’s one of the many things I love about her.”
His dopey smile gets me like it always does. I won the jackpot when they decided to adopt me.
My thoughts turn to Lilly. I always believed I’d love her the same way Dad loves Mom. When she left, that dream turned to ash, and I never imagined I’d ever find someone to love the way I loved her.
Now that she’s back, I’m getting a second chance to make things right. Hopefully, I don’t fuck it up this time.