Chapter 3
Audrey
My brother and I met for breakfast the following morning, and I hated the chink in my armor. It remained with me all yesterday, knowing that I’d upset Theo. It was clear with the tight shoulders and the way his smile fell off his face. Just, totally melted off as I’d stereotyped him and insulted him.
I hated him for hurting my brother, but I wasn’t cruel. I could be decent toward him without intentionally jabbing him. It didn’t help that Quentin moaned all yesterday about how his life was over, and he was in a low place, so it made me channel my anger onto Theo.
If Quentin didn’t have his scholarship, I’d be screwed financially. For him though, he needed a way to take out his energy and aggression. He’d always been that way, needing a release to deal with the stress of us losing our dad. Without a way to burn it off, he’d been a hot mess the last few months. Every time he’d be upset or worry about money, I’d get angry, and seeing Theo just made all the anger come back.
And I’d taken it out on Theo. That was beneath me. It was becoming more challenging to shove everything away, to brush it aside and be better and hold it together. I felt like… I was a bursting at the seams with emotions. There was no outlet for me. There was yoga and TV, school, studying, repeat.
“You figure out your placement yet?” Quentin asked, shoving a piece of toast in his mouth.
“No. We hear today at our afternoon lecture.” I sipped the coffee and shoved the eggs around on my plate. They didn’t taste good anymore. The texture annoyed me. Plus, my stomach soured the more I thought about my behavior. I didn’t let anyone in, but I was never mean.
“I hope it’s somewhere close so you don’t have to drive too far. You look exhausted, Aud. Are you sleeping okay?”
My eyes almost welled up. It had been so long since my brother was kind to me and asked how I was, so it almost undid me. “I am. This senior year is just a lot already. So many assignments, and I snapped at someone yesterday I shouldn’t have.”
“Audrey.” Quentin leaned forward onto the table, staring at me hard. “You never snap at people. What’s going on?”
My throat closed up. I didn’t want to worry him and tell him about Theo, especially if it’d piss him off. Two months ago, I mentioned the incident, and he shut down. I needed him focused on positives, healing and getting back to playing. So, I shrugged and waved a hand in the air. “I let my impatience get the best of me. It’s no big deal. How’s the team? How’s your rehab?”
And just like that, I deflected. Quentin cared about me, I knew that, but I could get him to stop worrying about me if I asked about him. He preferred to talk about himself the most.
“I’m getting all movement back and am feeling confident, but Coach won’t let me on the ice with the guys yet. If I keep on pattern, I can be out there in a few weeks.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s been interesting having Sanders with us.”
My stomach fell out of my butt at the mention of his name. “Yeah,” I said, my throat scratchy. “Is that going okay?”
“I mean, the guy is a dick. He’s no fun. He just works out, practices, doesn’t talk to anyone. He fucking ruined my NHL run last year. I still don’t get why Reiner allowed him to come, but he’s good on the ice. He could help us win, which I guess is more important. But I hate the guy. He’s an asshole.”
“He’s not mean to you right?” If he was, then I’d stop feeling bad about hurting him. He’d deserve my wrath if he hurt my brother, again.
“No.” Quentin scoffed. “He doesn’t say anything to anyone. The guy is a huge shit-talker on the ice, but I haven’t seen any of that yet. It’s weird.” He gripped his neck and sighed. “We haven’t started our real practices yet. Once I’m on the ice, it’ll be different. I know it. I’m bigger now, and he’ll get his ass handed to him.”
A beige flag went off in my mind. My brother was going to get revenge on Theo? That sounded out of character, and despite me being the sister, I blurred into the mom role from time to time. “Are you sure that’s what you want? Can’t you just get healed and focus on your stats to get drafted?”
“Yeah, sis, that’s the goal, but Sanders fucked me up. I wanna repay the favor.”
“Quentin Hawthorne.” I lowered my voice. “I don’t like hearing you say this. We’re on the same team here.”
“I’m not talking about injuring him, Auds, settle down. I meant, mess with him. Trip him. Not do him harm. I’m not like that. Come on, you know that.” He laughed it off, but I saw a dark look cross his face.
It was also interesting seeing how my brother had changed the last half a year. It was hard to admit, but I didn’t like all the new sides of him. Like the revenge-seeking part of him. That’s hypocritical since you were mean to Theo for the same reason. Quentin used brute force, and I used words.
“How about we forget all about Sanders and enjoy this brunch? Tell me about the party last weekend.”
Quentin went into a tale of foolishness, where him and his buddies dared each other to eat weird concoctions of food, but it had us both laughing, and we were back to normal. It wasn’t long before I made my way to class. I didn’t have a dream location for clinicals, but I did want somewhere close, so it wasn’t a long drive. There was a pediatric hospital, hospice care, ICU, and basic medical units within the area. There were a hundred of us in our senior cohort, and there used to be almost two hundred. People dropped out because it was such a challenge, and I felt pride walking into my fourth year.
I made it.
The hall smelled like pencils and metal, also with a familiar cologne I couldn’t place. It was beachy and piney and shit. Theo Sanders stood at the end of the row, smiling at me with mischief in his eyes. Almost like he knew something I didn’t.
My stomach swooped as he neared me, and the apology I wanted to say got lost as he flashed a full smile. He had great teeth. Objectively.
“Guess who’re buddies this semester, Hawthorne. You and me, girl. We’re paired up at the Jefferson ICU.”
The blood drained from my face, the prickly feeling of shock making its way from my neck to my arms and fingers. His words made sense. They were grammatically correct. But paired. Him and me. All semester.
I…assumed I’d be solo. Professor Aldridge knew I hoped for ICU because I wanted the challenge of the urgency and acuity. Plus, it was a specialized field and would be easier to find a job. It sounded weird to others, but I craved to be the best nurse possible for patients in tough situations. I wanted to be trained and ready as best I could, and that meant working in the place where things were always hectic and slightly unpredictable. I just didn’t realize I’d have a buddy.
“Wow, I take your absolute silence as you’re so happy you can’t even speak. I feel the same way. I’m overcome with emotion. Bursting.” He placed a hand on his heart, closed his eyes, and went, “Mm, so amazing.”
A million thoughts raced through my brain, each one trying to be dominant, but they blurred together, and the only thing that came out was, “But we hate each other.”
Theo’s eyes flew open, and his gaze moved from my eyes to my mouth, then back up. He pressed his lips together before sighing. “No. You hate me. Don’t put your negativity energy on me. I can’t afford that.”
Then, Theo Sanders walked away.
This was the second time guilt stabbed at my chest. Why was I the bad guy here when he was the one who’d hurt Quentin? Why did I keep upsetting him?
I just needed my feet to move to talk to him, to explain this wasn’t me. I didn’t hurt people intentionally, yet I had with him twice now. I just…ugh. Confrontation was my biggest fear. It paralyzed me, made me want to vomit. My stomach twisted and knotted as I lost sight of Theo. He wasn’t hard to miss with his hair and size, but he blended in with the rest of the students. This lecture hall was large for just a hundred or so students, but there were so many people in here today.
Why?
“He is so hot, and he’s in nursing? My god. A smart jock. I’m in love.”
“Who got paired with him? Can we shank her?” Giggles followed that comment. My stomach bottomed out. I wasn’t used to hearing anyone say something like that about me. I liked being invisible.
“Sanders as a nurse. I think I’m feeling faint… what if I fell?”
I shoved the voices out of my head and made my way down the aisle. This was no different than with Quentin. People talked about him all the time. He was a starting freshman and had great stats. People never put us together as siblings, which was fine with me. I hated being used for clout for him. Using me to get to him never worked.
At no point in my life would I ever go to my baby brother with a girl interested in him.
My heart raced at the potential confrontation with Theo. My palms sweated, and every part of my body fought the urge to talk to him, to apologize. My comfort zone was calming others down, like patients, while remaining strong and consistent. I didn’t say sorry. That meant having relationships with people, and I just didn’t have those.
But my gut told me saying sorry to him was the right move. I’d still talk to Professor Aldridge to see if we could switch partners or if I could go solo, but I could rectify my wrongs to Theo.
It took a minute, but I found him sitting in the front row, smiling at his phone.
People stared at him from every direction, but he didn’t care or notice.
“You,” I said, gripping my bag tighter to channel some of his positive energy.
“What an opening, Hawthorne. I can already tell we’re gonna fall madly in love.” He smirked and put his phone in his pocket. “Here to declare your feelings?”
“Why are you so…” I waved my hand over him, not able to find the correct word. His carefree attitude was contagious and made me hate him less. It was distracting and captivating.
“You’re ridiculous,” I sputtered.
“Thank you.” He grinned, that dang dimple popping out again. “Now, are you gonna sit by me, or are you afraid I’ll bite you?”
I couldn’t back down from his dare. It was juvenile, but the guy was so extra. The knowing smirk all the time, like he was one second away from cracking a joke. He was too smug. Huffing, I sat in the chair next to him, which caused our legs to touch. Heat spread through my thigh, and instead of moving away, he let his leg remain there.
His thigh touched mine, and my face heated.
I jerked my leg away, out of survival, but he definitely noticed.
“We’re gonna see some shit working together, Hawthorne. You’ll have to get used to me somehow.”
“I came to apologize to you,” I blurted out. When everyone else learned how to be cool and charismatic, I was either too busy taking care of my sick family or reading a book. Quentin could verbally spar with the best of them, where I turned inward and grew too awkward.
He tilted his head to the side, his soft blue eyes curious. He then spun all the way to face me, every ounce of his attention on me. “Oh, this is interesting. Let’s hear it then.”
I felt under the microscope. The way he stared was almost unnerving, like he truly listened or cared what I said. Most people saw through me or just asked what they needed before moving on. But no, not him.
“I didn’t mean to stereotype you.”
“Yeah, you did.” He shrugged yet kept his attention on me. “You definitely did. I’m a hockey jerk, right?”
Swallowing down the urge to run, I kept firm. “I’m sorry I did.”
“That’s a better apology.” He offered a quick smile. “Forgiven.”
“Wait.” I blinked, prepared to say more. “That was fast.”
“Yeah. The world is too complicated and tough as it is. Why hold onto the small stuff for longer than you need to? We’d never enjoy life then.” He tapped his pen against the side of the chair a few times before he grinned for real. “Why do you look like you’re about to pass out?”
“I don’t.” I sat back and ran a hand over my face. Embarrassment flooded my cheeks, and I kinda wished the auditorium chair would fold in half and take me with it. “Okay, maybe a little.”
“Do you need me to take your vitals, just to be sure?”
Damn. His voice dropped an octave, and my breath caught in my throat. He was teasing me. I knew that, yet the slight variation had me blushing even harder. I cleared my throat.
“I’m messing with you, Hawthorne. It’s too easy. Probably because you hate me, but I can give you shit without really worrying about it. Its freeing, tbh.”
He finally faced the stage. My whole body relaxed without his stare, and I caught my breath. There was something about Theo that unnerved me. The way he oozed charm, the fact my entire opinion of him felt wrong after meeting him, or the way he actually saw me. The combination of all three made me dizzy, yet instead of walling myself off more, I wanted to explain it to him.
“Confrontation makes me insanely nervous. My pulse races, and my stomach cramps, and I didn’t like that I hurt your feelings yesterday. I wanted to apologize for that, but then I said we hated each other, and you seemed upset again. I’m not used to being an asshole.” There. I said it. I stared at a spot near the lectern that had a smudge from a shoe, even though I could feel Theo’s attention on my face. “Then you forgave me so easily it threw me off guard.”
“Do you need me to be madder at you?”
“Yes, I deserve it.”
“Well, in that case, fuck you, Hawthorne.”
I snorted. It was a honking sound that escaped before I could stop it. I covered my mouth with my hand, chuckling at the unexpected comment from Theo. His grin matched mine, and he nudged my elbow with his.
“It’s nice seeing you laugh. Super sexy snort, by the way.”
Damn it. I laughed again. “No, you can’t be funny. It’s not allowed.”
“Ah, didn’t realize. Sorry, I’ll work on that. I’ll add it to my list right now. Be less funny because Hawthorn snorts like a hyena.”
My stomach did another weird flip thing, this time a little more pleasant than the others. Theo was charming.
“Dude, Sanders! I can’t believe you’re on our hockey team now. I am obsessed with college hockey, and your stats are sick! I know people will have feelings about Quentin being out, but dude, you are better.” Peter, one of the fellow classmates in our cohort, put his hand on Theo’s shoulder on the other side.
And snap. There went any medium-warm feelings I had toward Theo. Better than Quentin. What the hell?
The rush returned to my ears. I couldn’t sit here and listen to them talk hockey when my brother was miserable and off the ice and I had to work twice as many jobs to save up just in case he lost his scholarship. Because of Theo fucking Sanders.
I wasn’t super religious, but I had to piss off a god somewhere to be paired with him. For the whole semester? Yeah. No.
I grabbed my bag and got up, needing distance from him. I found a spot three rows up, and I ignored any tingling feelings that he watched me. He could stare all he wanted. Peter had reminded me of the truth. Theo had gone after my brother during a game and intentionally hurt him.
That wasn’t anyone I could associate with.
Fired up, I emailed Professor Aldridge to see if there was any chance of changing partners for clinicals. There wasn’t really a professional way to beg, so I kept it short and to the point. She knew me. She also understood my relationship with my brother and what his injury had done to me.
I cracked my knuckles and barely paid attention to the professor going over the clinical schedule. We’d receive them in email and blah, blah. I’d been ready for this year since I started. I just wanted to learn and not have to deal with all the complications of Theo Sanders.
Not even fifteen minutes went by before Professor A emailed me back.
Audrey,
You and Theo are suited perfectly to be paired. Trust me on this. Looking forward to our coffee chat next week—hope week one has been fun.
--A
Well, there went my last hope. She never changed her mind. I glanced up to glare at Theo and found him staring back at me, the line between his brows deepening in concern. How dare he look concerned?
No. I shook my head and avoided his face the entire lecture. We’d only speak when at the ICU together, and that was it. And if he ever mentioned my brother, I’d punch him in the throat.