29. Katy
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
katy
GOODBYE
Rebecca and Ella insist we have to go out to dinner tonight. Apparently, this is our last chance to have a girls’ night ever. With my due date approaching, they might not be wrong.
Rebecca scrolls through menus on her phone as we walk.
“Oh,” she says suddenly. “There’s a sushi place down the street. I’m craving spicy tuna.”
Ella stops dead. “Rebecca.”
Rebecca blinks. “What?”
Ella reaches over and lightly smacks her arm. “How dare you.”
“Excuse me?”
“She’s pregnant.” Ella gestures at me like it’s obvious. “You’re suggesting forbidden fish. That’s emotional violence.”
“Oh right!” Rebecca groans. “I forgot!”
Ella gasps dramatically. “You forgot her pregnancy?”
“I forgot about the no raw fish rule, okay?”
I snort despite myself. “It’s fine. I can have cooked sushi.”
“No,” Ella’s voice is firm. “We are not even flirting with mercury tonight.”
Rebecca sighs dramatically. “Fine. Tacos?”
Ella nods once. “Acceptable.”
We order our food, and I tell them about Grandma Patty absolutely destroying my parents yesterday, and Rebecca nearly chokes on her drink.
“She fired them?” she asks, eyes wide.
Ella grins. “Icon.”
“Absolute icon,” Rebecca agrees.
For a moment, it almost feels like life is normal again. Until Rebecca tilts her head. “So.”
I tense immediately.
Ella points a warning finger at her. “Don’t.”
Rebecca lifts both hands. “Relax. It’s a normal question.” She looks at me. “Have you talked to Ben?”
I stare down at my water. “Not really.”
Ella exhales slowly. “Katy.”
Rebecca leans forward. “He’s really sad,” she says gently. “Like… sad sad.”
My heart sinks.
“He barely talks,” she continues. “And he keeps asking if you’re okay. Every day.”
I swallow hard. “That’s exactly why,” I whisper.
Ella frowns. “Why what?”
“Why I ended it.”
Rebecca blinks. “Because he loves you?”
I shake my head. “Because he deserves better than this.”
Ella tilts her head. “Better than you?”
“Yes,” I say immediately. “Than me right now.” I stare down at the table. “I’m pregnant with who knows whose baby. What if it isn’t his? I can’t trap him like that.”
Rebecca snorts softly. “I’m pretty sure the trapping part requires intent.” She arches a brow. “And you’ve been trying to dump him for weeks, and he’s not having it.”
Ella nods.
Rebecca shrugs. “Also, I’m fairly certain he wants to be trapped.”
I glare at her. “That’s not funny.”
Rebecca continues, completely unbothered. “Also, you should know the Maybe Daddies have started holding meetings.”
I look up slowly. “Meetings?”
“Intervention planning, apparently,” she says casually. “They’re all very worried about you.”
Ella pinches the bridge of her nose. “Rebecca.”
Rebecca shrugs. “Look, I’m just reporting the facts.” Then she adds gently, “Also, Ben keeps asking if you’re eating enough. It’s so cute, Katy.”
That makes me almost cry. I stare down at my glass again. “I don’t want to ruin his life.”
Rebecca’s voice softens. “How could you possibly do that? You’re amazing, Katy.”
I laugh weakly. “Tell that to my parents.”
Ella’s jaw tightens. “They don’t get a vote.”
Silence settles between us. Heavy, but not unkind.
Finally, I whisper the truth I’ve been trying not to say out loud. “I love him so much.” My voice shakes. “That’s why I let him go.”
Ella reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “Sometimes, love isn’t letting someone go. Sometimes it’s letting someone stay and love you.”
BEN
Katy still won’t talk to me. She hasn’t answered a single text or call. I stare at my phone like it might magically buzz somehow.
It doesn’t. The screen stays blank, my last message sitting there with its pathetic little Delivered underneath.
I type. Delete. Type again.
Ben
Katy, all I want to do is say goodbye.
Ben
Camp starts tomorrow. It’s going to get crazy.
Ben
I’d really love to see you. Please.
I watch the screen.
Nothing.
I set the phone down, pace the length of the living room, then pick it back up like I didn’t just do this five minutes ago.
Still nothing.
The house is quiet tonight. Leo and Mateo are out, Jack’s at his weekly dinner with Ella, and the silence presses in until my thoughts get loud.
I try again.
Ben
Even if it’s just a hug.
The second I hit send, I regret it.
Ten minutes later, still nothing.
I drop onto the couch and scrub a hand over my face. Declan’s warning to give her space echoes in my head whether I want it to or not.
I told him I would, and I meant it. But this doesn’t feel like space. It feels like… disappearing.
My phone buzzes.
I dive for it, my heart jumping stupidly hard—
Then sinking.
Because it’s not Katy.
The Winters Crew group chat lights up.
Jack
Ben, you okay? Did you eat?
Ella
We ran into Grandma Patty, and she said Katy slept better last night!
Relief and guilt hit at the same time.
Ben
That’s good.
Leo
Hang on. You left him alone? You said he was going with you! Come hang out with me and Mateo.
Ben
Thanks. I really don’t feel like it.
I know she needs space. And time.
That she needs to come back to me on her own. But that doesn’t mean it’s not killing me to stay away.
I picture her in her room with the door closed. Her all alone convincing herself she’s doing the right thing by shutting me out. That thought wrecks me.
I grab my keys without fully deciding to.
Her street looks exactly the same. Normal. Like no one inside that house is breaking.
I park across the street, engine idling, hands gripping the steering wheel. But I don’t get out, and I don’t knock. I just sit there staring at her front door, hoping she’ll magically appear and tell me I can come in.
Of course she doesn’t.
I let my forehead fall against the steering wheel. “I’m trying,” I whisper to no one.
I open our chat one last time. I keep it simple. Honest. No pressure.
Ben
I’m leaving tomorrow.
Ben
I’m outside. But I won’t get out of the car unless you ask me to.
Ben
I just need you to know I’m here. Always.
I set the phone down on the passenger seat. And wait.
Ten minutes.
For a second, I think I see someone move behind her bedroom window. But when I look again, there’s nothing.
Twenty minutes.
Forty-five.
Nothing. I stare at the front door one last time.
Just in case.
Then I start the car. I pull away slowly, like if I don’t rush it, maybe she’ll change her mind at the last second.
She doesn’t.
By the time I get back to the house, it’s fully dark. I sit in the driveway for a moment longer than necessary, my throat aching.
I didn’t get to say goodbye.
And that hurts worse than the breakup itself.
KATY
I don’t answer Ben’s texts or calls. Not because I don’t want to. But because if I do, I’ll beg him to take me back.
I lie on my side with my phone pressed to my chest, staring at the wall like it might tell me how to be braver than I feel. Ben’s last message glows behind my closed eyes, burned into my brain.
I’m outside. But I won’t get out of the car unless you ask me to.
I just need you to know I’m here. Always.
Always.
God. That word wrecks me.
I roll onto my back and blink hard, my throat tightening. My heart is beating too fast, and I can’t seem to breathe normally. I curl a hand over my stomach without thinking, like maybe if I ground myself there, everything else will calm down.
It doesn’t.
I miss him so much it feels physical. Like an ache behind my ribs. Like I’ve lost something essential, and my body hasn’t caught up yet.
I picture him sitting in his car across the street. Gripping the steering wheel, his jaw tight, doing the right thing even though it hurts him.
The image makes me want to cry. I really want to see him. Even if it’s just for a minute. Just to say goodbye. Just to feel his arms around me and pretend, for one selfish second, that everything is fine, and I didn’t have to give up the best thing I’ve ever had.
But I don’t move. Because if I let myself have that, I won’t be able to let it go again.
My phone buzzes again. I flinch, heart leaping stupidly high before I even look.
But it’s not Ben.
Rebecca
Katy.
I stare at the screen, then sigh and type back with trembling thumbs.
Me
I know. I’m alive.
The reply comes immediately.
Rebecca
But miserable.
Rebecca
Ella says you’re still being a hermit
I snort weakly despite myself.
Me
She’s very dramatic.
Rebecca
But also right.
Rebecca
Listen. I’m going to say something, and you’re not allowed to spiral.
Too late.
Rebecca
Just be happy.
Rebecca
Like, actually let yourself have happiness.
Rebecca
Don’t be so silly. Come on.
My eyes burn. I turn onto my side again, curling inward, phone clutched tight.
Me
It’s not that simple.
There’s a pause. Longer this time.
Rebecca
It kinda is.
Rebecca
But you’re acting like loving someone is a crime you’re trying to prevent.
I swallow.
Me
You know the situation, Rebecca. Stop.
Three dots appear. Disappear. Then—
Rebecca
Okay.
Rebecca
But Ben isn’t fragile, Katy.
Rebecca
He knows what he wants.
Rebecca
And he wants you. And he can handle the situation, you know he can.
Tears slip free, hot and silent, soaking into the pillow.
I want him.
I want him so badly it scares me.
That’s the problem.
Me
He deserves better than me.
Rebecca
Stop deciding that for him.
Rebecca
It’s rude.
A laugh breaks out of me, watery and wrecked.
Rebecca
He’s leaving for camp tomorrow.
Me
I know.
Rebecca
And you’re going to regret not saying goodbye.
My heart twists painfully.
I look at Ben’s message again. At the kindness in it. The patience.
The promise he didn’t even realize he was making.
I’m here. Always.
I almost text him. My thumbs hover over my phone.
I miss you.
Please come back.
I made a mistake.
Instead, I lock my phone and set it face down on the nightstand like it’s too dangerous to hold. I push myself upright and walk to the window. Just to breathe and to clear my head. Then I pull the curtain back and freeze.
Ben’s car is still parked across the street.
My heart stutters.
He’s really still here.
He’s sitting behind the wheel, shoulders hunched slightly forward like he’s been there a while. Waiting for me.
My hand starts drifting toward the door and I think to myself, if I went downstairs right now…
If I crossed the street…
If I opened that car door and climbed into his arms…
I press my forehead against the glass.
Because I know exactly what would happen.
I wouldn’t let him leave. And he deserves the chance to.
His brake lights glow red.
My breath catches.
The car slowly pulls away from the curb. And disappears down the street.
I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor, and my hand drifts back to my stomach.
“This is the right thing,” I whisper, even as my heart protests.
Because wanting something doesn’t mean you get to keep it.
Because loving someone doesn’t mean you won’t hurt them.
Because if I had gone outside tonight… I wouldn’t have survived the goodbye.
So instead, I stay where I am. Watching the empty street where his car used to be and telling myself I did the right thing even though every part of me wanted to run downstairs.
Even though every part of me still does.
I can’t even be depressed in peace. My freaking phone won’t stop buzzing.
Maybe Daddies Brigade
Ethan
okay I need someone to explain what’s happening because the vibes are off.
Jason
what vibes?
Ethan
the Katy vibes. She’s been quiet for like two weeks.
Matt
She’s probably just tired. She’s enormous.
Jason
Matt.
Matt
I meant that respectfully! She’s growing a human! It’s a lot!
Logan
she’s not just tired.
These disgusting nosy gossips.
Ethan
...okay so something IS happening
Jason
is it Davis? I thought we liked him again
Ethan
we did. we voted. it was unanimous.
Matt
Well, four of us voted. Katy abstained.
Logan
guys
Ethan
right. sorry. Katy, is Davis being an idiot or are you?
Logan
GUYS
Ethan
it’s a fair question! one of them is clearly being an idiot and based on everything we know about Davis I feel like it’s probably not him this time. Katy, is it your baby hormones?
Matt
That is shockingly self-aware of you.
Ethan
I contain multitudes
Logan
Katy is going to kill you
Jason
Katy, you don’t have to answer that. Ethan is just nosy.
Ethan
I prefer invested
Logan
hey. for real.
Logan
you don’t have to tell us anything. but we notice when you go quiet, and we worry
Ethan
whatever you’re doing right now, just make sure it’s actually what you want. not just what feels safer. Don’t forget we know you
Ethan
okay that’s it. I’m done being serious, it’s exhausting.
Logan
wow. thank you Ethan, that was very profound
Jason
I’m genuinely moved
Matt
Should we send more gifts? I feel like we should send more gifts.
Ethan
YES
Jason
I found tiny cleats
Matt
HOW tiny
Jason
[image]
Ethan
Holy fuck, they’re cute
Matt
they’re the size of my thumb
Jason
they’re the size of his FUTURE THUMB
I stare at the photo of the tiny cleats for a long moment.
Then I scroll back up and reads Ethan’s message again. And again.
I finally lock my phone and set it on the nightstand. I don’t answer.
But I don’t stop thinking about it either.