12. Sloan
Sloan
I saw it. The exact second Cody built the walls up around his heart and pushed me away. The worst part is he misunderstood what I was saying.
I didn’t mean I wanted to go back in time so we never reconnected again. I wanted to go back in time so my boyfriend wasn’t a jerk anymore.
Or maybe I could show up to a hockey game alone and let myself experience seeing Cody again as a single woman. Where I could fall into his arms and end my night with an unforgettable kiss from him.
I quietly rattle off my address and Cody plugs it into the GPS system on his dashboard. He’s quiet as he maneuvers out of the city and closer to the suburbs.
I wish I could tell what’s going through his head or how I can break down those walls he erected rather quickly. But honestly, why does it even matter? At the end of the day, Cody is still my ex and nothing will ever change that.
When he pulls up outside of my apartment, I murmur a quick ‘thanks’ and hop out of the car. There’s no point in dragging this out. I already feel sick to my stomach over his reaction. I know I'm hurting him, but I don’t know what else to do.
“You’re really just going to walk away?” His deep voice rumbles followed by a car door slamming shut.
I glance over my shoulder to find Cody leaning against the side of his SUV. His arms are folded over his chest and his feet are shoulder width apart. His eyes are narrowed at me and he looks livid.
“What do you want me to say?” I toss my arms up in the air and let them fall back to my sides.
“I don’t know! Anything!” He glances up and down the street and when he doesn’t find anyone watching us, he pushes off of the car and closes the distance between us. “I can’t take this, Sloan,” he murmurs as he stares down into my eyes.
“What? I'm not doing anything!”
“I can’t take knowing you’ve been back and you didn’t contact me. I can’t handle the idea of someone like him getting to call you his.” He plants his hands on my hips and leans his forehead against mine. I squeeze my eyes shut as his cologne wraps around me like a warm hug.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I whisper.
“Why? Why didn’t you contact me?”
“Because I was terrified you had moved on and you wouldn’t want anything to do with me,” I choke out as tears fill my eyes. “I couldn’t stand the idea of watching another girl in your arms.”
“Oh, but it’s ok for me to deal with the same thing? Unbelievable.” He takes a step back and releases his hold on me, but I don’t let him go.
I follow him step for step until I'm shoving him and he lets himself hit the SUV. I'm so angry I want to scream. How dare he act like I didn’t want him or like I wanted to hurt him. I’d never do that!
“You could do so much better than me! Don’t you get that? You’ve always been too good for me! I knew that even when we were dating!”
“That’s complete crap! We were perfect together!”
Cody moves fast and a second later my back is against the car and he’s staring down at me. One hand is resting on the window next to my head and the other is on my hip, caging me in. My breaths come out in pants as I try to figure out when he moved and how we got into this position.
He grips my chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing me to meet his gaze. There are so many emotions swirling in his breathtaking eyes.
“We were perfect together and you didn’t even give us a chance when you came back,” he whispers.
“I was scared,” I murmur somewhere between a cry and a whimper.
“What were you scared of, sweetheart?”
“That you wouldn’t want me back. That you found someone better. That you were happy without me.”
He leans in close enough that he’s only a breath away from me. If I leaned forward just a hair, our lips would touch. I'm tempted to do it. Tempted to kiss him right here and now. My heart is beating so hard, I can’t hear anything else over it.
“Everything you were afraid of… None of it was true. You made it all up in your head.” He leans in so close that his lips brush the shell of my ear and makes a shiver run through my body.
“I’ve wanted you back since you left. It would be impossible to find someone better.
And I haven’t been happy since you left. ”
He stays where he is for six heartbeats before he takes a step back and shoves his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. He watches me, looking for… I don’t know what. My head is spinning from him being so close. I really thought he was going to kiss me and I don’t think I would’ve stopped him.
“I’m not going to kiss you. Honestly, I'm not going to chase you. As long as Jude’s your boyfriend, I’ll consider that a sign you don’t want anything to do with me. That being said, I still think we’d be great together.”
Before I can respond to him, Cody climbs into the driver’s seat of his SUV and starts the engine. I take a few steps away from the vehicle and my hand flies up to settle over my chest. My heart is still beating erratically against my ribs. I face the car and wait to see what Cody’s going to do.
He rolls his window down and shakes his head.
“Get inside, sweetheart. I don’t want to worry about you the rest of the night.”
I nod my head, but my brain is still foggy. I stumble towards the door to the apartment and as soon as it shuts behind me, Cody presses on the gas and a moment later he’s gone.
“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Jude,” I sigh as I answer the phone. He’s been texting me all night and I keep telling him the same thing.
“I'm sorry. I know you’re mad at me.”
“Oh, really? And why am I mad at you?” My brows raise in surprise. I’d be shocked if he can actually answer my question correctly.
“I… I don’t actually know. I just know you are.”
“Then why are you apologizing? How can you say you’re sorry when you don’t know what you’re sorry for? That’s stupid.”
“Sloan,” he groans my name like I'm a child who is pushing his buttons and he’s done with it. “I'm sorry I upset you. Why does it matter what I did?”
“Because if you don’t know what you did wrong, you can’t truly be sorry! You’re just apologizing so I won't be angry at you anymore!” My hands are shaking with anger and frustration. I feel like this is my new normal when it comes to Jude.
“What do I have to do to make it up to you?” His voice softens and I narrow my eyes. He’s used this line more than a few times and now I'm realizing it’s all to make me happy so I stop being angry at him.
How many times was he clueless over what he did? How often did he apologize, but he really didn’t mean it? How frequently does he do this and I'm too dumb to realize it?
“Let me ask you a question. When did you realize I wasn’t with you at the restaurant?” I squeeze my eyes shut and try to count to ten. I need to stay calm or this conversation isn’t going to help.
“I noticed you were gone when Jax left. Why?”
“I walked right past you and got inside Cody’s car when Cody told Jax it was time to go.
That’s how little you’ve paid attention to me since you met the Robinson twins.
I'm tired of being a means to get you more time with Jax.
I'm supposed to be your girlfriend, not your connection to professional hockey players!”
“You’re right,” he says softly. “I'm sorry, Sloan. I’ve ignored you every time we’ve been around them and that hasn’t been fair to you.
Can you forgive me for being so wrapped up in Jax?
I promise I’ll do better. How about we go out for dinner on Sunday?
Just the two of us. Let me make this up to you. ”
“Ok,” I whisper, unsure if this is the right choice. I'm not sure he can do anything to make this up to me.