Chapter 19
NINETEEN
The smell of coffee greets me as I descend the stairs and pull a clean shirt over my head. The power is still out, so I had to clean off the evidence of mine and Liam’s morning with a cold shower, shivering through every second. We set a pot of water on the wood stove to boil for coffee, and it smells like Liam’s already got it brewing.
I enter the living room and see Liam standing by the glass door to the front deck, staring out at the rain falling in relentless sheets, and the gloomy, oppressive grey clouds that hang low over the angry ocean. The muted morning light barely touches his face, but I can tell he’s miles away and lost to his thoughts. The raging storm outside seems to mirror something inside him, and he looks weighed down by something heavy.
He turns to look at me as I step closer, and he quickly offers me a small smile. But it looks forced.
Panic settles as I take in the drastic shift in him, the Liam standing before me nothing like the one from the cushions in front of the fire just minutes earlier.
“You ok?” I ask hesitantly.
Thoughts and questions swirl in my mind as I look into his eyes, and I try not to give them any attention. But I can’t help it. He told me he wanted it. But now… maybe he has regrets.
Fuck.
Liam just nods, but nothing about him looks like he’s ok. The familiar sadness that’s always present in him, the one he managed to escape last night and this morning, is back. And it seems stronger than ever.
I try to swallow down my fear and accept that maybe this was all just too good to be true.
“If you didn’t want to do that…” I trail off, my anxiety rising as I replay everything about this morning in my mind, wondering if I somehow forced him into any of it.
But he initiated it.
And he seemed to like it…
I sucked his fucking dick.
Jesus Christ.
His eyes widen and he shakes his head. “No. No, I wanted it.” He releases a breath and steps towards me, eyes roaming over my face. “I do want it.”
Relief washes over me, but it’s fleeting. I swallow hard as I look into his eyes, because there’s something else deep inside him that seems to be causing him pain. There’s a dark cloud hanging over him, and I’m not sure where it came from.
“What’s going on?” I ask softly, hoping he’ll take the opportunity to share whatever it is that’s weighing so heavily on him.
His eyes flicker with uncertainty as they search mine, like he’s trying to find the right words. Then he exhales slowly. “How can happiness bring so much guilt?”
My heart sinks, because I know exactly what he means. I’ve been there too. Those feelings still creep up on me sometimes.
I nod in understanding. “Moving on without someone… it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do.”
Liam’s gaze drops, his jaw tight as he gives a small nod. It looks like he’s barely holding it together, and like he wants to let it all out, but doesn’t know how.
The rain beats steadily against the glass door overlooking the ocean, filling the silence between us as the dull morning light casts shadows over us.
“Feels like your own storm, doesn’t it?” I murmur, breaking the silence.
His eyes lift to meet mine, full of a storm all their own.
“It’s like riding a massive wave, at the mercy of angry winds,” I say quietly. “You don’t know how long you’ll stay high, feeling good and happy… until it all crashes down on the other side. And you’re drowning again, waiting for something… anything… to pull you back up.”
He holds my gaze for a moment until he gives a small nod, a silent acknowledgement that he’s been caught in that endless cycle.
I shift my gaze out the window, watching the waves crash against the shore. “Grief is hell,” I murmur. “But it passes. It always comes back, usually when you’re not ready for it. But each time, its weight feels a little less… because eventually you’re able to prepare for it.”
When I glance back at him, he’s staring out at the ocean too, his profile etched with sadness.
“I don’t deserve to pass this storm,” he says, so quietly that the sound of the rain almost swallows his words.
His words tear through me and a deep ache settles in my chest. Before I can even process how to respond to that, Liam turns abruptly and heads towards the kitchen.
I follow, reaching out to gently grab his elbow and force him to turn and face me. “What does that mean?” I ask, trying to add strength to my voice.
He shakes his head with a heavy sigh. He avoids my eyes as he stares past me with a distant look. Then he closes his eyes, rubbing his face with his hand like he’s trying to push away the emotions that are threatening to spill over.
“It’s ok,” I say, letting go of his arm and stepping back slightly to give him the space he seems to need. But I can’t shake the urgency building inside me, and the need to know what he meant by that.
He draws in a breath, eyes still glued to the window. “Nick died at work. There was an accident, and… I…” His voice falters, and he shakes his head.
“You were there?” I ask gently.
Liam nods, and the weight of his silence is a heavy one. “We grew up together,” he says finally, his voice thick with grief. “We were the same age, and our parents are best friends. He was my brother.” He swallows hard, each word a struggle. “We did everything together. We went to welding school, moved to Alberta…we even worked in a lot of the same camps up north.”
I watch him, my heart breaking with every word he forces out.
“I haven’t been home or talked to my family since his funeral three months ago,” he says quietly.
My brow furrows as I think on that for a moment. “Why not?”
Emotions flicker across his face, his eyes still not meeting mine as he shakes his head again. “I just can’t do it,” he says, his voice hollow like he’s trying to detach himself from it all.
I watch him for a moment as his hands fidget, his eyes still refusing to meet mine as the tension in his body grows.
“And now, I just…” He sighs, rubbing his forehead in frustration. “How am I supposed to feel happy, to feel anything good, when…” He exhales sharply, cutting himself off and seeming to struggle for words. “Last night… it’s the longest I’ve gone without thinking about him. About what should’ve happened if…” His jaw clenches, his unfinished thoughts seeming to shift to carry an apparent anger. “I shouldn’t be living my life when he’s supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be the one…” His voice cracks, and he trails off, overwhelmed by emotions he can’t quite put into words.
There seems to be more he wants to say but can’t. And I get it. Grief has a way of warping everything and twisting emotions until nothing makes sense. I know that feeling. How the intensity of it builds like an unstoppable wave, crashing over you until you’re desperate for any kind of release, even if it’s not the healthiest.
When I lost my dad, I bottled it all up and stuffed it down with everything else I didn’t want to face, letting it build until I couldn’t take it anymore. And the only way I was able to cope was to throw myself into work, burying the pain under endless tasks. I know it’s not the best solution… but it’s something. It’s a way to let the pressure out as I figure out how to carry the grief, pain, and confusion about how I can fit into this life I’m living.
I let out a breath and glance around the room before turning back to him. “I think the sunroom needs new drywall.”
His eyes finally meet mine with confusion, but curiosity swirls under the surface.
I walk over to the stack of tools in the kitchen and grab a pry bar. Liam watches me as I move to stand before him again and hold it out.
"I don’t know much," I say quietly, "but I do know pain. And you need to let it out."
Liam drops his gaze to the pry bar and reaches out to wrap his hand around it. My eyes fall as well, and I take in the slight scarring on his fingers. My heart skips a beat as I remember him reaching into the fire… and I think what I had suspected is true. He was hurting himself. He wanted to feel the pain and let it out.
“While I may not have done much with this house… it has been a good outlet.” I look up at him again. “I think you need it too.”
Liam reaches out with his other hand, grabbing my arm and pulling me into him. His lips meet mine in a soft, yet desperate, kiss. I let him hold me here for as long as he needs, until he slowly releases me with a soft nod.
“Yeah,” he says, in almost a whisper.
I pour us some coffee, the comforting scent filling the air as we head into the sunroom. The rain continues to beat steadily against the large windows, creating the perfect backdrop for Liam to release the storm inside him.
We push the couch away from the wall and stand in the middle of the room, staring at our target. It looks like it’s been patched and painted so many times that it’s barely even drywall anymore. We’re quiet as we take it in, and I wait for Liam to make the first move.
Suddenly, he steps forward, swinging the pry bar into the wall with force. It crashes into the wall with a satisfying crack, creating a large hole right in the middle of it. He yanks it out and slams it in again, harder this time, sending pieces of drywall and plaster falling to the floor. Each swing is heavier and more desperate than the last, and I just stand back and watch him, letting him release everything he’s been holding onto.
Miss Bobber peeks around the corner to see what the commotion is all about, but quickly scurries away as chunks of drywall come crashing down before her.
Eventually, I step forward, swinging my own pry bar into the wall. And with every piece I rip away, I also release some of the emotions I’ve kept buried for so long.
The sadness that lingers, always there when I think about my dad and how I’m navigating life without him. This life he created for me, and how I thought he’d be around longer to show me how to live it right. Anger boils over as my thoughts shift to the job he passed down to me… and that this job I love is the same one that took him away. And then frustration simmers underneath it all, because I’ve also carried a different kind of pain. I’ve finally figured out who I am, and why I’ve felt so oppressed and trapped for so long. But outside these walls, I don’t know if I can be that person.
Even as I tear them down.
But alongside the sadness and anger, there’s something else… something lighter. Because Liam is here with me, behind these broken walls. And with him, I’ve felt more like myself than I ever have before.
When the last piece of drywall falls to the floor in dusty, crumbled pieces, Liam turns to face me. His ice blue eyes meet mine, and I watch as a single tear streams down his face.
I step towards him, lifting my hand to the side of his face. And as I press my lips to his, I give him a silent promise to help him the best I can.