Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
As my coffee brews, I gaze out the window at the peaceful morning and let the calm wash over me. The air is quickly warming up as the sun shines, urging me to get outside and take it all in. My eyes land on the firepit and I smile as I get an idea. Looks like I’ll be doing some yard work after installing the baseboard today, and Theo and I can have a fire this evening. After we visit his mom.
I’m surprised at how calm I feel about it all. About supporting Theo as he tells his mom he’s gay, and that we’re together. I keep thinking it should feel bigger to me, and scarier… but it doesn’t. I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before, and the fact that he’s a guy doesn’t even seem to matter. All that matters is that I’m with him, and he’s finally doing something for himself that he’s worked towards for so long. I want this for him, and I want this for us.
And watching Theo find the strength to do what’s best for him, makes me realize I can, and should, do the same. It’s time I face my own fears and talk to my parents again. So I can stop running from the pain, and move past this storm. Just these past few days with Theo is proof that I can… and I’m ready to try.
When the coffee is finished brewing, I pick up the mug and glance down at Miss Bobber at my feet. She looks up at me expectantly.
“Let’s get to work,” I tell her.
I take my coffee into the sunroom where I’ve already stacked the baseboards. But before I start, I take a slow sip of my coffee, looking out the bay window as the sun shimmers over the ocean like millions of tiny crystals.
I can’t wait to share these mornings with Theo.
As I set my mug down and kneel on the floor to line up the first baseboard, Miss Bobber rolls onto her back in front of me and grabs at my hands. I laugh and rub her belly as she wriggles around, trying to catch my fingers.
Then, there’s a sudden, loud knock on the door and she jumps to her feet, frozen as she looks out into the living room.
“Who the hell is that?” I mutter as I push to my feet, and make my way through the living room and kitchen towards the door.
When I pull it open, Heather is on the other side, wide-eyed and frantic.
“I’m sorry,” she says on a breath. “I don’t have your number…”
My heart thumps and my stomach twists as I take in her worried expression. “What’s wrong…”
She meets my eyes as emotion swirls in hers. “There was an accident on the boat this morning.”
Her words hit like a punch right to the gut.
I can’t move as I stare back at her, my entire body feeling frozen as my heart tries to beat right out of my chest.
“They took Theo to Halifax,” Heather continues, her voice sounding like it’s miles away. She runs a shaky hand through her hair and draws in a deep breath. “They’re taking him into surgery now.”
Panic takes hold of me as my vision goes fuzzy and my chest tightens. The only thing I can hear is my pulse in my ears as the world fades away, and the familiar wave pulls me under, hard and fast.
No… no, please, no…
“Liam?” Heather’s voice breaks through the haze as her hand grips my arm.
I pull in a sharp breath, and shake my head, trying to pull myself together. My hand trembles as I push it through my hair. “I’m sorry… I…” I trail off, unable to latch onto any thoughts or words.
It’s all happening again.
And this time, it’s the man I’ve fallen in love with.
I feel paralyzed with fear as Heather stands before me and places her hand on my shoulder, her brow furrowed as she peers into my eyes. Then she tugs my arm, leading me through the house. And before I know it, I’m sitting on the couch next to her.
“Liam,” she says, pulling me back to reality. “Liam?”
I blink as my gaze focuses on her.
And guilt hits me hard.
I’m a fucking asshole. This is her brother. She’s been through this before with their father, and here I am, crumbling when I should be there for her .
“I’m sorry,” I breathe out, trying to find my voice. “What… what happened?”
“A line snapped,” she says quietly. “It hit Theo and wrapped around his arm and hand. I think… I think it’s pretty bad.” Her voice cracks as her eyes fill with tears.
My breath hitches as emotion swells in my chest and I do everything I can not to break down right here in front of her. But I don’t trust my voice, so I just give a small nod.
“Mitch called from the boat,” she says, wiping her eyes. “Mom is with him in Halifax, and they took him right into surgery.” She blows out a breath and shakes her head. “It could have been a lot worse…”
My mind races as panic settles in again, threatening to drown me.
“I need to grab some things for him,” Heather says, pushing to her feet with a sniff.
And still, all I can do is nod stiffly, lost to the wave as I try desperately to stay afloat.
Heather eyes me for a moment before she turns, and heads upstairs.
My mind spins as I sit here, frozen, as panic rapidly grows and threatens to drown me.
I can’t lose him.
My chest heaves as I struggle to breathe, memories crashing over me of another hospital, another waiting room, another loss. I hear the echoes of voices from just months ago, when I sat in a hard plastic chair, anxiously waiting for good news. But instead, they looked at me with sad, empty eyes, and said they were sorry.
Nick died.
A low, pained sound escapes me, and I drop my head into my hands, pulling at my hair. I can’t go through this again. Not with Theo. Please, not with Theo…
Heather’s footsteps return, stopping in the doorway to the living room. I lift my head to look at her, standing with a bag in her hand, and a sad look on her face as she watches me with understanding and compassion in her eyes.
And I know why.
She just went into Theo’s room.
Our room.
Where my clothes mingle with his, and the bed is still rumpled from our sleep together.
She crosses the room and sits beside me, pulling me into a hug. I try to swallow the emotion, but it’s too much. A tear slips out with a broken breath.
“It’s ok,” she whispers. “He’ll be ok. It’s his arm and hand… They’re going to fix him up, and as long as there are no complications, he’ll be home tomorrow.”
I want to believe her, and I know she’s right, but the fear continues to press down on me. It comes out in pained breaths and fallen tears, no matter how hard I try to stop them.
Heather pulls back slightly, looking into my eyes. “Do you want to come with me?”
A shock jolts through me at that question, and instantly my heart starts racing. The thought of stepping into the hospital, seeing the sterile white walls, hearing the beeping of monitors, and solemn-looking doctors… I can’t go back there.
I want to. I want to be there when he wakes up, so I can tell him everything is going to be ok.
But I can’t know that. I thought Nick was going to be ok.
Everything inside me is telling me to go, and screaming at me not to. The memory of soul-crushing pain is overwhelming, flooding me with fear so that I can’t even speak.
And I can’t break down in front of him, when he’s been so strong for me.
Heather watches me as her eyes widen and she reaches out to take my trembling hand. “It’s ok,” she says. Then she lowers her gaze to Miss Bobber as she crawls over my lap. “You should probably stay here with this little one anyway.” She looks back at me with a sad smile. “Can I call you when I hear how the surgery went?”
I nod, my hand drifting to Miss Bobber’s fur, grounding myself in the softness of her.
“Ok,” Heather says, handing me her phone. “Put your number in. I’ll keep you updated.”
I type it in with shaky hands, and Heather watches me carefully, her brow furrowed with concern. “Grandpa is with Mom, but I can get a friend to take the kids and Chris can come over?”
I shake my head, wiping my wet eyes. “No, it’s ok.”
“You sure?” she asks softly. “I don’t want to leave you like this.”
I blow out a frustrated breath, guilt gnawing at me because Theo needs her more than I do.
And I fucking hate myself that I can’t pull it together enough to be strong for him.
My hand runs roughly over my face, and I exhale forcefully again.
Heather’s hand rests gently on my back. “Liam?” she asks softly.
I take a deep breath, and bring my eyes to hers. “I just… I lost someone not long ago,” I murmur, my voice trembling.
She nods in understanding. “You’re not losing anyone else.”
I nod as I feel the tears start to well again. “You’re not either.”
She smiles, her own tears falling as she pulls me into another hug. “It took me years to walk into a hospital again without feeling like I was going to completely lose it,” she whispers.
I hold onto her tightly, finding comfort in her words and understanding.
When she gently releases me, she gives my arm a squeeze. “I’ll let you know as soon as he’s out of surgery, ok?”
I nod, the nagging guilt still present as I wish more than anything I could be there.
But Heather seems to sense it and shakes her head. “He’ll be out of it all night. But he’ll be so happy to see you tomorrow when he’s home,” she says gently.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
She gives my arm another squeeze and stands, giving Miss Bobber a gentle pat. “Talk soon, ok?”
“Ok,” I manage, my voice sounding far away.
Heather leaves, and I listen to the door closing behind her and the crunch of the gravel under her tires as her car heads down the driveway.
And I sit here, alone with my thoughts as I stare out at the water.
But as an image of wild hair, soft freckles, and a warm smile takes over, I latch onto it and try to keep my storm at bay.