Chapter 5
It was an awkward ride home.
My mother, who was driving, glanced at me so many times in the rearview mirror that I began to worry she’d veer off the road. Rhi was making forced conversation in a tone so intentionally blithe that she sounded like a twittering bird.
“…and I really thought it went well, you know, I think we’ll work together without a problem. I mean, they were clearly very respectful of our traditions, and…”
No one was listening to her, and I think she knew it; but she chattered away anyway, probably because she couldn’t stand the heaviness of the silence that would fall if she didn’t keep fending it off.
Persi was sitting in the back seat beside me, her eyes fixed determinedly out the window.
I chanced a few glances at her, mostly wondering where she had stuffed the painting she’d just stolen off the wall.
Not that I was blaming her. As far as I was concerned, she had far more claim to anything of Bernadette’s than Ostara did.
I felt calmer, that was certain. The talk with Nova had helped; more so, I think, than even talking to my mom would have helped.
My mom was always trying to make me feel better, safer, and more confident, and I loved her for that; but I also knew she was my mom, so she couldn’t help it.
She’d tell me everything was going to be okay, even when it wasn’t.
She’d tell me I could do something, even and especially when I probably couldn’t.
It was manifestation, not reality. With Nova, at least, I knew I was getting the unvarnished truth, no polishing off the edges or softening the blows.
My intentions were my own. I had agency in this shitshow of a situation I found myself in. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t scary to have to use that agency.
When we arrived back at the cottage, Persi exited the car without a word, and walked straight through the garden to her workshop.
We all watched her go in silence before heading into the cottage.
As soon as the door had closed behind us, I knew I was about to be ambushed with familial concern.
My mom would cross-examine me like a suspect in a murder case to tease out the slightest fear or anxiety.
And Rhi, goddess bless her, would just start shoving an array of baked goods at me in a manic way.
I just couldn’t deal with any of that, not now.
I cleared my throat, and both of them locked in on me like they thought I might explode.
“Hey, um, I just wanted to apologize for… for running out of that meeting,” I said.
My mom pounced at once. “You don’t need to apologize hon—”
“I actually do, though,” I said, raising a hand to silence her as gently as I could. “I know you may not need to hear it, but I needed to say it. And I also need to say this, and I need you to believe me. I’m okay.”
They traded a look that clearly indicated they thought I was lying through my teeth.
“No, seriously. I’m not saying I’m not feeling a bit scared or overwhelmed, but I can manage it.
I think it’s totally normal and natural to feel that way, in this totally abnormal and unnatural situation.
I don’t need a pep talk. I don’t need anyone to build me up or reassure me.
I just need to kind of… process everything. Okay?”
Two heads nodded at me.
“I know at some point I’m going to need all of your help. I’ll ask for it, okay?”
Again, two silent nods.
“For right now, I’m just going to head up to my room. I’m tired, and I need a little bit of space. But I’m not freaking out, okay? I mean, I was, but I’m not anymore. I need you to take my word on that.”
My mom looked near tears. “Okay,” she whispered. “I just… I hate that you have to shoulder this, Wren.”
“I hate it too,” I said, with a sort of shrug.
“But hating it won’t make it go away. And it would actually help if…
if we just accepted it, and tried to move forward the way we do with the rest of my magical education.
It’s all important. Learning the basics about everything from hexes to herbalism to divination.
We just have to add the Darkness to that list.”
Rhi sniffed. “Right. It’s all just… knowledge.”
“Exactly,” I said. “And Rhi, your idea about research isn’t a bad one. I’m not sure if I agree that’s what the stones and bones meant, but I also think it’s important. I told you I’d let you know how you can help me. So this is how. I don’t want to deal with Ostara.”
“Who does?” my mom muttered.
“It’s obvious the Conclave has records about the Darkness. I’ve seen some of them in the Historical Society. Do you think you can go to Ostara or Xiomara or whoever, and see if we can get permission to look through them all?”
“Of course,” said Rhi at once.
“Oh, we’ll get permission, I promise you that,” my mom said.
“Thanks,” I said. And then, because I could feel it welling inside me, I burst out, “And you know I… I mean, I would never…” I tilted my chin defiantly. “I’m a Vesper. I won’t break that Covenant.”
My mom’s eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “Of course you won’t.”
“We already know that,” Rhi hastened to chime in.
I sighed. “Okay. Well, I’m gonna head up. No offense, Rhi, but I’m not really hungry.”
“There’ll be a plate for you in the fridge if you change your mind later,” she assured me.
I smiled my thanks and turned for the stairs.
I’d barely made it to the landing when my phone started buzzing in my back pocket.
I pulled it out, assuming it was Nova checking on me, or else Eva or Zale desperate to know what had happened at the meeting, but it wasn’t any of them.
It was, however, a familiar number. I closed the door to my room and answered.
"Hi, Jess."
"Oh good, you're alive," was Jess' droll reply.
I hesitated. "Were you... expecting me not to be?"
"Well, I didn't know if that meeting between the Conclave and the Council was going to get nasty. Hexes and Castings flying, battle for magical dominance, that kind of thing."
I laughed. "Not that exciting, actually.
There was some passive-aggressive arguing, but otherwise it was pretty uneventful.
Celeste seemed too diplomatic to let things devolve into chaos.
I think Lydian was hoping for a fight, though.
She looked kind of disappointed when everyone just shook hands and left. "
Jess chuckled. "I think Catriona would have preferred a fight, too. But then, she never needs an excuse for a fight. It's just sort of her default mode."
"Yeah, she seemed pretty... intense. She's your boss, right?"
Jess snorted. "She wishes. I mean, technically, yes, but not in spirit."
It was my turn to laugh. "Was that a ghost joke?"
"An unintentional one, but yeah, let's pretend I'm that clever."
"Well, I appreciate the concern, but we’re all good here. I think everyone is on the same page, at least. It might be tense for a while, but it's not like we have a choice. We'll have to work together."
"Glad to hear it. So in that case, how are you?"
"Me?" I shrugged. "Well, as we've established, I'm alive."
"Right, but like... how are you? Really?"
The question was gentle, with none of Jess' usual edge of sarcasm. The change in tone surprised me, and suddenly, to my horror, I felt a lump come into my throat. I swallowed against it, but it didn't seem to want to move.
"I'm fine," I said.
"Wren, come on. Don't bullshit a bullshitter. You're not fine."
Damn it. "Yeah, I guess... I don't really..."
Jess' sigh crackled over the line like static.
“I know we don't know each other that well, Wren, but there's nothing like a life-or-death struggle with a ghost to forge a bond.
Truthfully, I've been worried about you since I left.
I didn't want to hover or bug you—I know you've got a good support system there with your mom and your aunts, but.
.. well, sometimes you need someone outside your immediate circle to talk to.
Someone who can just listen and give advice without the whole parent vibe. "
Even as she said it, I realized that that was exactly what I needed.
Someone who I could talk to without censoring myself.
My mom was great, but she had a tendency to freak out.
Rhi would just turn around and tell my mom whatever I said, and Persi didn't exactly invite confidences. And sure, Nova had helped, in her way, but help from Nova was more like a sobering slap across the face rather than someone extending a hand to help you, and that’s what Jess’ words felt like.
"It's totally cool if you don't want to talk to me about it," Jess went on, misinterpreting my silence. "I just wanted to offer because... well, because I wish I'd had someone like that when I was going through some shit. But like I said, no pressure or any—"
"No, I... thank you. That's... well, that's exactly what I need, actually. If you really don't mind?"
"Of course I don't. That's why I offered. Spill, kiddo, what's up?"
I sank down onto my bed. "It's the whole Darkness situation."
"I thought it might be."
"Well, we all agreed that it would be good for me to start trying to find out as much as I can about the Darkness—you know, to try to understand what I'm up against. But it's just... it's not really working."
"Why not?"
"I'm trying to use my spirit abilities to get answers, but no matter what medium I try, I never seem to get any concrete answers. My family thinks I should be doing research, but..."
"But that's boring as hell?" Jess offered.
I laughed. "Well yeah, but also, it just doesn’t feel like that’s where I’m going to find answers, you know? I'm starting to think I'm going about this the wrong way." As succinctly as I could, I explained about reading the bones and the rune stones, and how my family had interpreted the results.
"So you don't agree with your family," Jess said. "You think the message means something else?"