Chapter 40 Thunderstorm #2
“We have danced together,” he said in a gentle tone while staring at their joined hands. “I’ve carried you, brushed back your hair, held your hand as I am now. You’ve hugged me of your own volition.”
Wren’s brow furrowed, wondering at his meaning. He squeezed her hands.
“You trust me, dearest.”
Her heart jumped at the statement, but she did not correct him. For she couldn’t. Castien was right. Despite the tides of secrets that once put distance between them, Wren trusted Castien more than anyone else. His gaze lifted and met hers.
“I think you are afraid,” he whispered. “I am, too. I don’t want to mess up by pushing too much or asking something of you when you aren’t ready. But just like everything we’ve walked through, we can face this together. We can walk along the shore until you’re ready to set sail.”
Wren gripped his hands tightly. She wanted to agree. To walk into the unknown with him. But she couldn’t live with herself if he grew to resent her. If he did, she wouldn’t have to guess. She’d feel it. The same as she felt his warm adoration now.
“What if I can never set sail?” she asked him, though it pained her. “Can you truly live with a wife who does not share your bed?”
Wren felt Castien’s sadness swell within her, and for a moment she thought he would admit she was right. But then he slowly removed one of his hands from hers and gently cupped her cheek. Her eyes fell shut.
“My time with you has made me the happiest I have ever been in all my days,” he murmured.
Wren was tired of crying but felt slave to the act as his words played the strings of her heart.
“If the rest of my life was spent laughing with you, exchanging letters, sparring … dearest, I would never want for anything.”
He swiped away her tears that escaped with his thumb.
His other hand left hers so that he now framed her face.
Wren had never felt so warm, inside and out.
Her skin was alive with a foreign tingling sensation, and she was certain she was blushing.
All of the feelings were overwhelming but not unpleasant.
“Look at me, please, my love,” Castien breathed.
Her heart skipped. Wren blinked open her eyes.
His dark irises leveled her with sincerity and adoration.
“Perhaps in time you will want that.” He paused, searching her gaze with his own.
“And I will cherish it as the gift it is, but there is no expectation hanging over your head. No burden for you to carry. The only thing in your hands now is my heart, for it belongs to you.”
Wren could not find the words to reply. She wanted to tell him so many things at once, but her tongue was tied.
“You do not have to make any decisions right now. Or even in the next few years. Our agreement is still intact. We can remain friends while the world thinks us betrothed. I will do as you wish, always.” Castien spoke when Wren did not respond. “You are in control, Wren.”
Wren had spent her whole life wrenching control from the grip of those who wished to keep her beneath their thumb.
In coming to the academy, she’d finally gotten to make her own decisions.
Though the bargain with her father had hung over her head, she found a way around it with Castien’s help.
Now, he was giving her the gift of choosing the pace of their relationship, too.
The depth of her feelings for him increased at the way he showed his love for her, but still she worried that he would grow to regret his decision.
“You would be satisfied if we remained friends?” Wren found her voice.
“I have missed you sorely,” he answered, and she could feel that he meant his words. “I would be elated to restore our friendship.”
“But you desire more?” she prodded.
He took on a pained look. Wren discerned a muffling sensation as he struggled to conceal his emotions. She placed her hands on his forearms.
“Castien. Don’t hide your emotions. You promised to bare your soul.” She did not feel hurt by his actions because she knew that he was trying to protect her. But she didn’t want him to hold back any longer around her. She needed to know.
“Dearest, please,” he begged, staring deeply into her eyes. “I do not want to frighten you with the intensity of my feelings. You have thought me dramatic or in jest at times in our letters. I have been neither. I love you far more than you can imagine.”
“If we are to trust each other, there can be no more secrets, especially when they involve something as important as this,” Wren said carefully.
Castien drew in a breath. He bent down and pressed his forehead to hers with his eyes closed.
She felt in the muscles of his forearms how tense he was, though he held her face as if it were liable to break with the slightest pressure.
Wren closed her eyes and tried to brace herself for whatever she might feel.
All at once, she was consumed by Castien’s emotions.
Her knees went weak at the force of them, and she clutched his arms to steady herself.
Wren had felt these sensations in brief bursts, but the fullness of them stole her breath.
It was like she had been dipping her toes into a lake but was now diving headfirst during a thunderstorm.
“Could you name what you’re feeling?” Wren stumbled over her words. “I-I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this before.”
“Adoration.” Castien’s breath fanned her face. “Love. Joy. A touch of fear,” he said with a soft laugh. “And …” Wren heard him swallow. “Longing. Desire.”
Her face heated at the way he rasped the final word.
“Desire for me?” She hadn’t meant to speak the inquiry aloud, but the words tumbled out in her incredulity.
“Tides, dearest, you must have mercy on me,” Castien choked out. “I am trying not to be too much for you.”
Embarrassment set Wren’s body aflame.
“I’m sorry, I only meant—” She pushed down her anxieties. “Even knowing what you do about my past, you still want me in that way? Not just the idea, but me?”
Castien pulled his forehead away. Wren opened her eyes to find him staring down at her with the same intensity his emotions depicted.
“I want all of you, Wren. In every way you will allow me. I am quite desperate for you. I’ve been told I’m pathetic.” He gave a tortured smile. “Your past did not ruin you. I see you as you are now, and who you are is someone I long for with all that I am.”
Wren could scarcely process his words as he spoke. His eyes shifted behind her and his hands fell away.
“I told you I would bare my soul, and I meant it. Perhaps this will be further proof of my obsession.”
Wren’s breath caught on the word obsession.
She watched as Castien walked over to a tapestry depicting the Valengard crest that hung on the wall.
Wren realized she hadn’t looked at anything but him since she came in.
Hadn’t noticed the way his walls were covered in writing.
He reached up and tugged the tapestry down.
Papers rustled with the movement. Wren’s eyes widened as she saw what it had been hiding.
Her. It was all her.