Chapter 8
The Widow
Sunset Strand is the beach to visit on Maverick Key.
Eight miles long, it spans most of the island’s southern coast. Warm, soft muslin-colored sand darkens to deeper taupe with the tide, and tiny shell fragments sparkle in the sun.
The water begins as a soft aquamarine near the shoreline, deepening to a rich blue like a clear sky slides into a summer storm.
I love this beach.
Natalie inspects the dunes as soon as we arrive to make sure no one has disturbed the ropes or tossed trash into the hills. Last month, she learned about our city’s dune conservation efforts and is doing her part.
We find a stretch of sand that isn’t too crowded and spread out our beach blanket. A vibrant logo of Maverick Key’s lighthouse, framed by palms, decorates the soft fabric. Hannah gave it to Natalie for Christmas last year, and she’s already asking what she’s getting this time.
With the big day only a few weeks away, the town is bustling with festive decorations and activities, including a holiday bonfire and a movie night on the beach, which is coming up in a couple of weeks. Maddie and Hannah have already invited us along.
Traditions and routines are important, even when there’s a gaping hole in your heart.
We eat our ham sandwiches made from the picnic leftovers, then Natalie runs toward the water with her bucket and shovel to look for shells.
I lie back on the towel and stretch out. Usually, on an afternoon off like this, I’d grab a paperback and get in some reading. But today I can’t focus. My thoughts are too scattered, too unsettled. I push my glasses up onto my head and let the sun wash over my face.
I close my eyes.
The first thing that pops into my head is a team of Clydesdales pulling wagons through the snow. This makes me laugh. Snow. I’ve never even seen real snow. What a strange, beautiful thing it would be to see snow on the beach.
Now I turn my thoughts to the past.
Some memories come to you in fragments. Jolts of nostalgia or pain. Others, permanent ones, fill with such rich detail they develop like a photograph. The moment Nathan told me he loved me for the first time is one of those moments.
His brows raised in question. The quiver of his lips. The smell of his skin.
His eyes…
Unforgettable.
It was on Sunset Strand, years ago, that my life changed. That all the empty spaces in my heart were filled, and I found my home.
I let myself daydream and remember the day we swam with dolphins…
L’heure bleue.
The blue hour.
We’re over an hour and a half late when we return to the docks from our field excursion.
I was expecting Nathan to scold me for not taking work seriously and not following the rules.
Instead, he’s quiet. Not in a melancholy way, but in that way you get when you know something is about to change. He’s nervous. And I am too.
I mean, we swam with freaking dolphins today! I’d done it before during my stint at the Dolphin Research Center on Grassy Key, but wild dolphins just don’t do that.
But they did today.
“It’s too late to get it in. I’ll get my excuses ready,” he says as we step onto the dock. But I know him, and I know he’s going to get that damn log done tonight. He’s letting me off the hook.
“I’ll help you.”
He smiles, and we drive to The Blue Fin to work on the report.
Hours later, after we finish, he walks me home. The sky is ultramarine. The blue hour. Sunrise is coming.
“Are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking?” he asks, his sideways smile wide and mischievous.
“I am.” I grin and take his hand, then pull him towards the Sunset Strand access walk.
Carrying my sandals, I let myself enjoy the coolness of the sand against my feet. We stop at the tide line and sit.
I don’t think there’s any place you can feel closer to eternity than an empty beach before sunrise.
Even out at sea, surrounded by the water, it’s not the same.
On the beach, where it’s just you and the ocean, you stand in the in-between.
The lemniscate. And if you let go of everything else and just exist in the moment, you can sense the infinite.
I watch Nathan and laugh as he rolls onto his belly and puts his chin on his crossed arms. He’s my best friend. I moved all the way to Maverick Key for him. To stay close to his brilliance and… to be near him. In my heart, I’ve always wanted more than friendship.
I join him, and we both gaze toward the water.
“I’m proud of your work on this project,” Nathan says, staring ahead.
“You’re an excellent teacher.”
I’m still looking at the water when I feel the gentle softness of his fingers brush across my cheek and turn me toward him. I lean in, hesitating before returning his gaze. Light golden-brown eyes. Warm and sharp. I know that look. Cautious but determined.
He’s going to bring it up.
That kiss earlier came out of nowhere. How many years have we known each other? Worked side by side. Laughed. Played. Slept in the same tent. It never occurred to me he might have dreamed of something more.
Just like me.
Nathan threads his fingers through my hair, his face open. His expression is one I’ve seen a million times before, but I never recognized it for what it is. “Crystal, today…”
There’s a ding from my cell phone.
His gaze stays fixed on me as I check the message.
Mark.
Are you home? I’m thinking about you.
Ugh. How do I tell Mark this little trial of ours isn’t working? I’ve been putting it off for weeks. But now—after that kiss—I’ve got to tell him today.
Nathan stiffens, and then he pushes himself upright.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
“It’s nothing.” I send a quick response to Mark’s text.
Nathan doesn’t press. But I know he doesn’t believe me. He forces a smile. “How’s your new job with the city going?”
I’ve been so absorbed in Nathan’s latest project that my position as an entry-level technician at town hall slipped my mind.
“Mr. Stevenson tells me I’m doing well. He may have even hinted that I’m top of the class.”
I can’t stop smiling. Mr. Stevenson didn’t hint. He flat-out told me I’m the best. “Turtle nesting surveys begin next week.”
He grins and clasps my hand. “That’s no surprise to me. They know they’re lucky to have the most talented marine biologist in the field right here on the island.”
“Spoken like a true best friend,” I say and laugh. “I’m still learning. There’s a long road ahead before I can claim to be that good.”
His face changes. He’s finished with the warmup—now he’s going to bring it up.
He turns his eyes away from me and faces the water. “Mark told me things are getting more… serious between you two.”
I feel a flash of anger and confusion. How could Mark say something like that to Nathan?
Other than a few awkward kisses, we’ve been friends at best. The dates are getting less frequent—our conversations are drier. It’s not going to work. After all these years of being in Nathan’s orbit, we tried to find something in each other.
But all I’ve found with Mark is disappointment.
Nathan rubs his face and the back of his neck. “Crystal, hell,” he says as he stares at the sand. One of his hands is closed tightly, holding on to something inside. “I was way out of line today.” He swallows and blinks his eyes.
I touch my lips and turn my gaze toward the distant shore, catching the silhouette of a ship sailing home. Long seconds pass by as I follow its steady trek across the horizon.
“Don’t,” I whisper. “I was there too.”
And it’s the happiest, most confusing moment of my life so far.
“Do you love him?” he blurts out, squeezing the object in his hand tighter.
“What’s in your hand?”
He opens it, showing me the shell. A pink Dinocardium robustum. Whorls of darker rose trace the ridges. The hinge is broken cleanly, leaving two perfect halves. Each one is shaped like a heart.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cockle shaped like that.” I brush my fingers across it and shiver when I feel his skin. Everything is in slow motion. “It’s pretty.”
“I found it while I was in Belize.”
“And you brought it here with you today?”
His face flushes, and my stomach flips.
“Take it.” His voice is breathy and low. He puts one half in my palm and closes his hand around mine.
I freeze. He’s just given me his…
“Nathan, I don’t love him. I…”
“Wait.” He pulls me onto his lap, facing me toward him.
Instinctively, I close my thighs around his waist, and I lean into his chest.
He pulls me closer. Takes a few breaths. Opens his mouth to speak, then closes it.
We stare.
If either of us says it, everything’s going to be different.
He puts his arms around me and rests his face against my shoulder. His heartbeat and the rapid rise and fall of his chest comfort me and scare me at the same time. His hair smells like the sea. Like the sky after a storm. I hold him and kiss his temple.
“Crystal. I don’t expect anything from you. Never. It’s just.” He pulls his face up and fixes his eyes on mine.
My heart jumps. He’s going to be the one to say it first.
“It’s no secret after that kiss today, but I need to say it… I love you. I’ve loved you for a very long time.”
He releases the pressure from his arms and waits.
I want him to know everything I know. To feel this in his bones, like I do.
My hands shake as I clutch his collar and pull him to me. Just like he kissed me earlier out in the ocean, I kiss him back with all that I have inside. Every unspoken word, every stolen gaze, every second of silent restraint collapses into this one moment.
And after all those years, that’s all it takes.
We’re consumed by flame, like the cobalt blaze of Kaweah Ijen.
All over each other, we roll through the sand, not concerned with consequences or anyone else’s feelings. Only each other’s. Only the way this feels.
He trails his hands across my body, feeling his way through secret places…exploring. When he rolls on top of me, I feel him. Scared for just a moment, I hold my breath and squeeze my eyes shut.
“Crystal, you feel too good. Tell me to stop.” He’s already pulled down my shorts and is working on his.
“No,” I gasp.
Why is he stopping?
“Don’t stop.”
His brows raise.
“I’m just answering you. Please don’t stop.”
He leans in to kiss me again as the sun rises, spilling amber light across the beach. Snickers drift from behind us. We’re not alone.
We burst out laughing.
He shakes his head as if he can’t believe what just happened. I can’t believe it either. It’s so confusing. And wonderful.
“Oh well. They say sex on the beach is overrated, anyway.” He gently pulls my pants back up and moves back a few inches, trying to calm himself down. “Let’s go back to my cottage. We can take showers. If you still want…”
“Nathan… I’m a virgin.” I lower my eyes, embarrassed.
He squeezes and rubs my thigh. Smiling. “I know.”
“Aren’t you disappointed?”
“No. Never.” He cups my face and kisses me softly. “Who do you want to be tomorrow?” he asks, grazing my lips.
I go still and lose a few beats of my heart when the corner of his mouth turns up the tiniest bit. He’s fighting that damn lopsided smile of his.
What I want is to be yours.
I run my fingers through his hair and bring his face closer to mine, breathing him in. I can’t speak anymore. I just want to be closer.
He stops holding back his grin and lets it go wide, kissing me passionately one more time. Then takes my hand and stands.
“Wait…” I pull out my phone and snuggle in beside him. “This is important.” I wink.
Wrapping an arm around his waist, I pose us for the selfie.
Snap.
Then we race to his cottage…
Loud chatter on the beach startles me, and reluctantly I pull myself out of my daydream, keeping my eyes closed as the rest of the memory plays out like a movie. I want to finish this one. So I push myself back into his cottage—back into his arms.
He took his time with me, exploring every inch of my body with his fingers and mouth. I was always told not to expect to enjoy my first time, but I did. Sure, there was a little pain and discomfort, but they were nothing compared to being worshipped by the man I’d admired and loved for years.
“Momma!”
Natalie’s voice jars me the rest of the way out of my daydream.
“Momma, there’s a man staring at you.” I jump up and look in the direction she’s pointing.
I freeze. It’s not the same man as last night.
His back is turned, and he’s rushing off, but the golden sandy brown color of his hair and that frame.
Nathan!
“Wait! Please wait!”
I rush toward him, but then realize I’m scaring Natalie. I pull her close to me.
“Who was that man, Momma?”
Trembling, I force myself to take a breath. “I’m not sure, sweetie. But he’s gone. He didn’t mean us any harm.” I’m not sure how I know he’s harmless, but I do. Did he actually look like Nathan, or am I seeing what I want to see?
“I’m tired. Can we go home?”
I pull her into my arms and try to wipe away the tears from my eyes before she sees them.
“We’ll go home right after we stop by the inn.”