Chapter 5
Alex
Alex was uneasy after changing his routine with minor consideration. Since his discharge, the doctors had set him up on daily and weekly routines to help him better cope with civilian life.Over the last year, he needed to weigh all the options and plan the changes in his life before attempting something drastic, like volunteering at a clinic. It took him three months to weigh the advantages and disadvantages before deciding to move to Brookings, and he extensively discussed it with his therapist.
He had experienced a sense of normalcy by doing as they instructed. After leaving the military, he was a panicked mess. His routines had ensured his safety this year, albeit lonely.
I should have taken the time to deliberate if this was a decision I wanted.
With little thought, he had opted to become a volunteer at Pawsitive Vibes. The place exuded an upbeat and cheerful vibe.He had not forced this many fake smiles on his face in a year like he had been doing in the last hour. What was going on in his head?
“Is everything okay, Alex?” Jordan asked.
Alex averted his eyes briefly, then locked eyes with him. “As part of my treatment, I need to consider the impact on my mental health carefully when making any changes to my routine. The decision to volunteer happened quickly. Ever since an uninvited German Shepherd stopped by, things have been a little crazy.”
A genuine smile spread across Jordan's face. “Alex, you would be a great addition to the clinic. I can see that you are kind and have a good heart. Based on what I know from your aunt, you are brave, strong, and a man of integrity. How about we do this as a trial? If you realize it's not your thing, you can tell me. Take it easy, no pressure. ”
There was a brief pause as Alex closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Thanks, Jordan.” Alex smiled back. “That sounds like a plan.”
Then, he recalled the task that had nearly slipped his mind—the one that necessitated the volunteering in the first place.
“I’m ready to call Shadow’s owner. Is now a good time?” Alex asked. He was slightly apprehensive, but knew it needed to be done.
Jordan, who was leaning against the breakroom counter, straightened up. “Sure, let’s head over to the office area. I’ll show you how to use the system,” he replied, then led the way through the clinic.
Alex was immersed in the clinic’s environment as they walked. The sound of a whimpering puppy and the clinking of sterilizing tools echoed from afar. The noise made him uneasy.
Upon arriving at the office area, Jordan pointed to a cubicle with a computer. "We can use this station for the call," he suggested, pointing to the chair.
Alex regarded the small office chair with a hint of doubt. Approaching it, he looked like a linebacker sizing up a child’s play set. Cautiously, he lowered himself into the chair. Under his massive frame, the chair emitted a chorus of creaks and groans. Finally settling into the chair, Alex looked up at Jordan, wearing a playful grin. “What’s wrong? Never seen a redwood tree try to cozy up in a flowerpot?”
Jordan couldn’t contain his laughter. It was a deep, hearty laugh that filled the cubicle. He touched Alex’s shoulder, shaking his head in amusement. “You know, we have a backhoe in the back of the property if you need a lift getting out of that chair.”
It was an unexpected comfort for Alex when Jordan’s hand rested on his shoulder. A small wave of emptiness washed over him as Jordan withdrew his hand. He turned his attention to the computer, the lightness of their banter giving way to the gravity of the task.
With a deep breath, Alex refocused. He readied himself to make the call. He felt a renewed sense of purpose bolstered by the moment of fun they had shared.
Jordan leaned over the computer. His fingers deftly navigated the system, bringing up the login screen. “Log on, and then I’ll show you how to pull up the owner’s information from our database. ”
Alex pulled a paper from his back pocket and entered the login credentials.The screen came to life. Many icons and folders scattered the digital landscape. Jordan’s hands reached over Alex’s shoulder. Jordan pointed to the icon to click for the owner’s information.
“Here you go,” he said after a moment, stepping back. “In the dog’s name box, type in Shadow and today’s date—that will pull up the file with his owner’s details.”
Alex nodded, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.
“Thanks,” Alex said, his voice steady despite the fluttering in his stomach.
“No problem. Once you tell her the news and what happened, hand the phone to me. I can talk to her about his medical prognosis,” Jordan said.
The owner’s name, contact number, and even a brief note about Shadow’s service dog training appeared on the screen. Alex’s hand reached for the phone, determination washing over him. This was a mission.He had to think of it that way.He had to get his head in the game.
With the desk phone in hand, Alex dialed the number for Stephanie Miller, Shadow’s owner. He took a deep breath, his fingers trembling as he held the phone to his ear. Jordan stood by his side, offering silent support as they waited for the call to connect.
After a few rings, a voice on the other end finally answered, albeit somewhat curtly. “Hello?”
“Hi,” Alex began cautiously. “Is this Stephanie Miller?”
“Yes, who’s asking?” came the somewhat icy reply.
“My name is Alex,” he started. “I found your dog, Shadow. I’m calling from Pawsitive Vibes Animal Clinic in Brookings, Oregon.”
There was a moment of silence on the other end, and Alex could sense the tension. Stephanie seemed surprised and guarded. “What’s this about? How did you find my dog?”
Alex summarized the events leading to their call. He recounted how Shadow had crashed through his bedroom window and injured himself. He also described the surgery he’d undergone.
Finally, she spoke, her tone softening slightly. “So, he’s alive?”
“Yes,” Alex confirmed, “but he’s in pretty rough shape. He is strong, and they’re doing everything they can to help him recover. ”
Stephanie hesitated, her voice cracking with emotion. “I... I haven’t seen him in almost two years. I didn’t even know he was in Oregon. He was with my father.”
Alex could sense her anguish. “Is your father his owner, then?”
There was a pause on the line.
“I bought the dog for my father two years ago because he was having issues staying on his meds.He was going through a tough time. The VA put him on a waiting list for a service dog. So, I found a place with them and bought him for my dad.My dad was not happy at first, but after a few days, they bonded, and everything seemed okay.”
Another extended silence followed. “My father and I have not had the best relationship in the last five years. We had a huge fight about two years ago after I got the dog for him, and my dad left. I know he moved to California for a time, and then I heard from a family member that he moved to Utah. I don’t know why the dog is in Oregon. It didn’t work out, I guess, and he pushed him away, too.” She sounded genuinely defeated.
“Your father was a veteran?” Alex asked, his voice cracking a little.
“Yes, he served in the Marines and was stationed in Kuwait.When he came home, he was never the same. I was hoping the dog would help with that. We fought about his care—he’s very stubborn.He finally accepted the dog as a gift. He named him Shadow because he said he has seen the world through shadows since he returned home… it broke my heart.” Stephanie got quiet, and Alex felt very uneasy. He paused and considered his words.
“Stephanie, I, too, am a veteran, and ever since I came back, I have had difficulty adjusting to civilian life. I’m trying. Hell, I’m trying hard. Every day is a struggle. Each day gets a little better, and I remain hopeful that I’ll find my way back out of the shadows one day. Don’t give up on your dad. I have done my share of pushing people who care for me away, so I get it. I’m fortunate that I have a very stubborn aunt who refuses to accept my shit. So, my best advice is to remain hopeful. Would you like to come see Shadow?” Alex asked.
There was another pause before Stephanie replied, her voice tinged with sadness. “I can’t. I’m across the country, and... well, I can’t afford any vet bills that involve any surgery. Is there someone I should talk to about this? My circumstances have changed since I bought him, and I can’t afford more bills.
Looking up at Jordan, his eyes shallow and sad, Alex said, “Don’t worry about vet bills.Someone is taking care of everything. You won’t have to pay anything.” Alex looked at Jordan for approval to say that, and Jordan nodded.
Stephanie said quietly, “I don’t know what to say. What should I do now?”
Alex looked at Jordan. “Stephanie, the doctor caring for Shadow is next to me. Can I put him on the phone so he can explain what is going on?”
Stephanie agreed, and Alex extended the phone to Jordan. He reached out to take the phone. Alex was relieved, and a bit shaken, after the call.
Jordan began speaking. “Miss Miller, hello. My name is Dr. Williams, and I’m currently treating Shadow.”There was a pause while he listened. “I can tell you we removed all the glass, causing no damage to major organs. He had a lot of blood loss. Some tendon damage injured his left front paw. If his recovery and rehabilitation go well, he should fully recover. But he will most likely have a permanent limp.”
Alex sat there thinking about Stephanie’s father. He understood seeing the world through a shadowy lens of war.
Jordan continued speaking, “Yes, that is correct.” A momentary pause. “Yes, no, are you sure you want to do that?” There was a longer pause this time, and Alex was getting very anxious. “Okay, I understand. Would you like me to call you with updates?” Jordan listened, and there was another long pause. “Okay, thank you, Miss Miller. Yes, I’ll tell him. Thank you, goodbye.”
Jordan paused a moment and then hung up the phone. Alex watched him as he rubbed his right ear, the one he used to talk on the phone.He was adjusting his hearing aid.
“What did she say?” Alex asked.
Jordan got frustrated with his hearing aid, yanked it out, and violently put it on the desk. “I hate these damn things,” he growled.
“She said that she can’t afford vet bills,” Jordan continued. “If he makes it through, she wants to sell him as a service dog and use the money to cover the costs. She doesn’t want to accept any charity and has no other resources to help him. She asked if you would be willing to make all the decisions about his care. She can’t at this time. She said you sounded like you need someone to care for and wished she was as strong as your aunt.” Jordan reached out and touched Alex’s shoulder.
Alex was visibly shaken by what Jordan had just told him.“Me, decide?No…. No. I can’t even get out of bed some days. I will not take responsibility for him when I can’t even take care of myself.” Alex’s words were low and without emotion.He stopped and stared at Jordan’s stethoscope.
After a few moments, Jordan spoke. “Hey?” He lowered down beside the chair and spoke in a soft voice. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through; I didn’t know.”
Alex looked at Jordan from the chair. “It’s okay. Aunt Lynn is a force of nature—she’s helping me get settled, and she helped me get into therapy again.” Alex said, with a hint of embarrassment.
Jordan rose and looked around to see if anyone was nearby. Then he bent back down and whispered, “Listen, this stays between us. There is no judgment here.I’ll help with Shadow’s recovery.She just placed a considerable amount of responsibility on you. But I promise. I’ll be there for whatever help you need. You won’t go through this alone, and I’ll do as much or as little as you need me to. Are you up for it?”
Alex waited a moment before responding, glancing at the discarded hearing aid on the desk. He looked at Jordan and said, “Yes. Thank you. Your help and discretion are very thoughtful.”
Jordan reached down and said, “Just a sec while I put the pesky ‘ear gadget thing’ back in place.God, I hate these things.” Alex smiled and laughed.
Alex was ready to get up as Jordan put his hearing aid back into his ear.After a moment, he looked up at him and said, “Hey, Jordan?” Jordan looked down at him. “Can you help me get my ass out of this steel vice?”
Jordan laughed, placed his foot on the chair’s legs above the wheels, and held the back of the chair.With great effort, he held the chair still as Alex pried his massive body ass out of the chair.
As Alex stood, the weight of responsibility hit him like a freight train, and he huffed.He was now responsible for Shadow, a responsibility he didn’t take lightly. Was Stephanie right? Does he need someone to care for? How can he care for something or someone else when he can’t even care for himself? He shook uncontrollably, he went pale, and everything started spinning.
Jordan recognized what was happening and grabbed his forearm tightly. He started talking in a calm, low voice. “Hey, breathe. Feel my hand on your arm, and think about the pressure of my grasp.Breathe.Feel the pressure soften. Breathe.” A few moments of different amounts of pressure and breathing, he felt better. “That’s it. Look at me. Breathe.” Alex was standing, pale and embarrassed.
“Where did you go?” Jordan asked.
Alex looked into his caring eyes. “Where did you learn to do that?” He paused before answering Jordan’s question. “Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed, I withdraw into my head, and it has led to some pretty awful panic attacks. It hasn’t happened in public in a while because I stay home a lot. I can’t wait until that part of my ‘PTSD journey,’ as my therapist calls it, is over.”With a hint of uncertainty, he said, “There’ve been a lot of changes in the last eight hours. I guess I’m having trouble processing it all.”
“I used to have no difficulty hearing as a child,” Jordan recalled. “When I first realized that my hearing was gone, I used to have panic attacks. I had an incredible teacher who knew what to do.She would grab my arm at the beginning of one and apply varying pressure. The intention was for me to connect the easing of pressure with the emotional pain leaving my body.” Jordan smiled and continued.
“Alex, I’ve known you for a long time... we’re going on almost five hours since we met.” Alex smiled at Jordan’s attempt at humor. “But as impressed as I am that you can throw tanks, I’m more impressed because I see a man in front of me who is stronger on the inside than on the outside.”
Alex didn’t like the praise. He wanted to lighten the mood and take the focus off of himself, so he laughed, looked at Jordan and said, “Man, do I have you fooled. I admit, though, I am pretty ear-resistible.”
Jordan looked stunned. “You didn’t just say that.” Laughing loudly in the cubicle, he added, “You are too vanilla for ear puns, He-Man. ”
Alex laughed, a genuine belly laugh.He had not had that type of laugh in a long time. He didn’t know why, but Jordan made things seem lighter.
“Okay, rookie, now that we have that call out of the way, let’s go back and check on Shadow.” Jordan stepped out of the cubicle, and Alex paused for a moment.
Alex grabbed his arm, looked at him, and said, “Hey, in all seriousness, thank you.You are pretty amazing, and I’m grateful for your help.”
Jordan held out his fist, and Alex fist bumped it.Still grasping his arm, Jordan said, “You are very welcome, Alex.”