Chapter 32
“All right,” Lola said, after Leonie had finished pouring out coffee for them all. “Spit it out. What’s going on, Catbutt?”
This was what Shan wanted to know, too. It was clear something was wrong. Leonie had insisted they all go to the office, where they could speak in private. Now they were there, however, she seemed in no hurry to talk.
Leonie stirred creamer into her coffee, avoiding her sister’s eyes.
Her own were back to their usual shade of deep amber.
It was the color they’d been for most of the time he’d known her…
and yet somehow, it kept catching him by surprise.
Odd, how quickly he’d become accustomed to seeing her with those other, golden eyes.
“The lion and eagle didn’t want to separate.” Leonie cupped her hands around her mug. “I had to force them apart.”
He’d suspected as much. “I take it that is not normal.”
“No. It always takes a bit of effort to split them, but not that much.” Her hands trembled, coffee spilling over the side of her mug. She set it aside untouched. “For a moment, I was scared I wasn’t going to be able to do it at all.”
She still looked pale and shaky, as if she were recovering from a bad bout of flu. Lola, in contrast, seemed...stronger. She’d been dynamic enough before, but now she practically blazed with vitality. It was like some vital force had drained out of Leonie, transferring to her sister.
“Huh,” Lola said. She kept rubbing absently at her chest, as though she had heartburn. “That must be why the eagle is so restless. It’s trying to get back to you.”
His heart sank. Lola might be willing to give him a chance. Her animal, it seemed, was not so easily won over.
“Then this will keep happening?” he asked Leonie. “If we try to complete the mate bond, the eagle will return to interfere?”
“I’m…not sure.” Leonie hesitated, looking at Lola. “I want to try something. But it might be risky.”
Lola snorted. “Catbutt, I jump into forest fires for a living. Risky is my middle name. What do you want me to do?”
“We’ve never tried to swap animals while one of us was shifted.” Leonie held out a hand. “Let’s see if we can.”
Lola’s eyebrows rose. Her form shimmered, blurring into the shape of a huge golden eagle, at least twice the size of any natural bird.
The eagle hopped up onto Leonie’s arm, wings half-spread for balance. Leonie closed her eyes, forehead furrowing in concentration.
Nothing happened.
After a long moment, the eagle cocked its head. It clicked its beak, making a questioning sound.
Leonie let out her breath. She opened her eyes again, a relieved smile spreading across her face.
“I thought so.” She lowered her arm, letting the eagle hop back to Lola’s chair. “I can’t reach the eagle when you’re actually shifted. It’s like pushing against a solid brick wall. The connection’s just not there.”
The eagle shifted back into Lola, now crouched with both feet on her chair and her arms half-spread. She slid to a more normal sitting position, looking thoughtful. “Huh. So, if I’m shifted while you two are getting busy, the eagle won’t be able to rush back to get in the way?”
“That sounds like a solution,” he said slowly. He looked at Leonie. “Yet you said we had a problem.”
Her smile slipped away. “It’s not a problem, exactly. But you’re not going to like it. You have to promise me you aren’t going to get upset.”
“No,” Shan said flatly.
“I’m liking you more and more,” Lola informed him. She folded her muscled arms, glaring at her sister. “Catbutt, tell me you’re not about to say what I think you’re going to say.”
Leonie rubbed her face. “I know why my lioness flipped out and pulled the eagle to me. And why they fought me when I tried to split them apart again. It’s not because they don’t like you, Shan. Or because they don’t want us to mate. They’re frightened. They don’t want to be separated.”
His unease deepened. “But they are accustomed to being apart.”
“Not like this.” Leonie was still pale, but there was a determined set to her jaw.
She had the look of a woman who had made up her mind and would not be easily dissuaded.
“The mate bond isn’t just between you and me.
It’s between our animals, too. My lioness will end up linked to your qiongqi.
But the eagle won’t be. It’ll be…left out. ”
“Shit,” Lola muttered. Her yellow eyes went distant for a moment, as if she was focusing on some internal conversation. “They won’t be able to merge. No more griffin.”
“And a shifter can’t have two different animals.” Leonie took a deep breath. “Once I’m mated, I won’t be able to share my lioness any more. And I won’t be able to take back the eagle. We’ll be the way we are now. Permanently.”
Horror gripped his throat. He stared at his mate, unable to speak.
He’d been so frightened that he would hurt her. That it was in his nature. That he could not help but destroy her, just as his father had destroyed his mother.
And now, he was.
Not by being qiongqi.
Just by letting her love him.
“Well,” Lola said, after a long pause. “Fuck.”
“You cannot,” he got out, every word like a razor blade in his mouth. “Leonie--”
“This is my choice, Shan,” she interrupted. She lifted her chin, gaze turning steely. “You tried to make a decision for us both without consulting me. I get to make this one.”
She was right. He’d been wrong before, to try to decide her destiny on her behalf. Ultimately, this had to be her decision.
No, no, no, his qiongqi raged. Wrong, wrong! We cannot let her tear off her own wings. We cannot let her do this!
“Leonie.” Lola scrubbed a hand through her short blonde hair, looking nearly as distressed as he felt himself. “Are you sure about this?”
“More sure than I’ve been about anything in my entire life.” Leonie started to reach for her sister’s hand, then checked herself, as if she didn’t dare touch her again. “Will you be okay? You won’t be able to shift into the griffin anymore.”
“You’re worried about me?” Lola’s voice cracked on the last word. “Shit, Leonie. You’re the one talking about giving up your own animal.”
Truth.
Not simple sweetness. This was another hard truth, old and long buried. Matured into richness, like the finest wine.
“What do you mean, her own animal?” he said sharply.
“Didn’t she ever tell you?” Lola gestured at herself, then her sister. “The first time we shifted, I was the lion. Leonie turned into the eagle.”
That couldn’t be right. True, when Leonie had first told him about her ability, he’d thought she must have been born with the other animal. If the lioness had actually belonged to Lola, it would have explained why Leonie couldn’t recognize him as her mate.
But she had recognized him, if only belatedly. She wouldn’t be able to feel the mate bond at all if she had her sister’s animal. She had to be the lion.
He looked at Leonie. “You told me you didn’t remember the first time you shifted.”
“I said I didn’t remember clearly,” she corrected. “It was a long time ago. I suppose Lola did shift into the lion first, now that I think of it.”
“And you were the eagle?”
“What does it matter, Shan?” Leonie flung up her hands. “I told you, we figured out straight away that we could switch. It never made any difference to me whether I was a lion or an eagle. But it did to Lola. She was born to fly.”
Sweetness. Truth. Not a hint of a lie.
That’s the problem with your ability, Shan. Min-Seo’s voice echoed in his memory. Anyone who knows about it can run rings around you.
And he couldn’t taste a lie that wasn’t spoken.
Secrets, his qiongqi hissed. Hunt.
He turned to Lola. “Could you give us a moment alone?”
“Yeah, you two need to talk this over.” Lola scrambled to her feet, looking only too pleased at having an excuse to leave. “I’m going to go say hi to Rufus. Don’t let her make any rash decisions, tiger.”
Leonie waited, mouth set in a thin line, until the door had closed behind her sister. “There’s nothing to discuss, Shan. This is still my decision.”
And one she’d made long before they’d met, he suspected. “Leonie. The first time you shifted, were you the eagle?”
“It doesn’t matter!” She half-rose from her seat, teeth bared. He’d never seen her truly angry before. “Why do you keep asking?”
“Because you’re being very careful not to answer.” He met her furious amber eyes; the eyes that now looked so wrong. “It’s true, you are not an eagle shifter. But neither is Lola. The two of you don’t share your animals. You share your animal. Because you have always been a—”
She flung herself at him, clamping both hands across his mouth.
“Don’t say it,” she snarled, right in his face. “Never say it.”
He caught her wrists, freeing himself. “I want to hear you say it, Leonie.”
“Why?” She hurled the word at him like a dagger, furious tears spilling down her cheeks. “So you can taste it? Because you’re hungry?”
That might have stopped him once. Not now.
“Because you need to admit the truth.” He gently pushed her away, releasing her. “If only to yourself.”
Leonie sagged, anger draining away. She collapsed onto her chair, burying her face in her hands.
“Lola always wanted to fly,” she said, muffled. “She wanted it so, so much. Every griffin has golden eyes. But hers were always brown. Just brown.”
He stroked her hair, golden strands catching in his claws. “And yours weren’t.”
Leonie nodded, leaning into his palm. “When I told her I’d finally shifted…I saw the look on her face. She tried so hard to be happy for me. I would have done anything to help her. Anything.”
That was Leonie. She would sacrifice anything for the people she loved. No hesitation. No regret.
For the sake of her sister, she had torn her soul in half. Now, she was ready to give up that part of herself forever.
For him.
“Lola can’t find out,” Leonie whispered. “It would only hurt her. I can’t hurt my sister, Shan. I can’t.”
“I know.” He bent to kiss her head. “I would never ask that of you.”
She looked up at him hopefully, cheeks wet with tears. “Then you understand why I have to do this?”
“I understand that you will always put those you love first.” He pulled his hand away, stepping back. “Which is why I have to put you first. Always.”
Yes, his qiongqi whispered. No snarling from that part of himself now; no driving hunger. Just strength, and support, and pain. Yes.
Leonie’s breath caught. She scrambled up, fists clenched. “Shan. Shan, no. Don’t you dare do this to me. Not again.”
“It’s the only way.” He took a deep breath, filling his chest with her scent, one last time. “I love you. All of you. And if you have to cut pieces off yourself so that our lives can fit together, the cost is too high.”
“So, what?” Leonie lifted her chin, glaring at him. “You’re just going to leave me? Disappear for good, like you always intended?”
He closed his eyes for a moment, fighting to keep his voice level. “If that is what I have to do.”
“Don’t think you can come crawling back when you come to your senses.” She’d gone beyond rage now, into a cold, icy calm. Every syllable slid down his throat, sweet and choking. “Shan, I am not doing this again. If you walk out that door now, it’s over. We are over.”
That flavor. That rich, delicious flavor. Just as good as he’d remembered; just as terrible.
Truth. And pain.
We are monsters, my son. Never forget that.
“I know,” he said, and left.