Chapter 18
CHAPTER 18
LAW
I don’t pay Ivy for coaching anymore, but she still makes me do sessions with her anyway. I’m dragging my feet the day after my potluck date with Carlie.
It went so much better than I expected. I would rather focus on that, on how great everything was between us, on the way I can’t get enough of her and how it seemed she couldn’t get enough of me. I don’t want to think about things that might be holding me back. It doesn’t feel like anything is right now.
So I try to distract Ivy. “How was your dinner with Caleb the other day?”
She looks up from her phone. She’s sitting on my couch, pretty close to where I was making out with Carlie just last night. I bite back a grin.
“Which one?”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Well, I was talking about when you guys took off together from Carlie’s the other night. It’s been two days. There’s been more than one?”
She casts me a sly smile. “Of course there has.”
Carlie didn’t mention anything last night. How does she feel about Caleb and Ivy already having seen each other multiple times? Of course, we didn’t really talk a lot last night, so that could be it.
“So that first dinner must have been good, then?”
She puts down her phone, focusing on me, which is the opposite of what I want. “I’m texting him right now,” she says. She claps her hands. “I have another client in an hour, so me and you need to get started. I can’t get behind today.”
“Another date with Caleb?” I’ve known Ivy for years. I know exactly how to stall her.
Except she’s known me a long time too. “I’ll tell you about that later.” She claps her hands again, this time a little sharper, like she means business and I’d better not try a stunt like that again. “What thoughts are holding you down this week?”
I sit back against the couch and succumb to the bossy woman who’s been running my life for almost eight years now. Except, unlike my mother, Ivy somehow has me convinced that everything I do is my idea.
I close my eyes and focus, a technique Ivy drummed into me a long time ago. “I can’t push away the thoughts lately that Houston wasn’t my first choice and that I’m maybe dreading the minicamp a little bit.”
“And how are those thoughts serving you?” Ivy has a calm, melodic voice that just begs you to tell her everything.
But I scowl and open my eyes. “They’re not. They’re ungrateful thoughts that are just weighing me down with negativity.”
She gives a soft, almost inaudible little huff. It makes me think she feels like I should know better by now. “They’re neutral thoughts, Law. You’re not always grateful to be in Houston. That’s neutral. You’re making that negative by attaching your expectations to it. Why are you making those thoughts negative?”
I know I’m the one giving it negative connotations. I’ve been working with Ivy long enough to accept that, but sometimes I still get stuck in that place I was when I was getting a C in stats and Ivy walked into the room and told me C’s didn’t matter. My attitude did.
“Because it just is,” I say with frustration and trusting that Ivy will roll with it like always. “I have so much, Ivy. Houston, Nashville, it shouldn’t matter. I’m living my dream. What right do I have?—”
“To feel human emotions?” It shouldn’t surprise me that she stops this particular tirade before I get too far into the spiral.
“I don’t want to be the guy who’s whining over the team he’s playing for.” I fold my arms, and I’m not sure if I’m annoyed that this has chased away all those warm, light feelings that Carlie brought with her last night, or annoyed with myself for still being stuck on this, even after four months.
“Then what should you do with that?” Ivy folds her arms right back at me.
“Accept the emotions and figure out how to make them positive.” I close my eyes again, taking a deep breath. “Jett’s going to put me on the map.” Maybe that’s something I’ve been repeating to myself, but I force myself to see the truth in it. If Jett makes me an invaluable tight end, if people are watching me because everyone’s watching him, maybe the Blues will want me. Houston could be a stepping stone to where I want to be, and that’s okay. I draw in another long breath, and maybe falling into that relaxation lets the next sentence slip out. “Carlie’s here.”
Ivy doesn’t say anything, and when I open my eyes, she’s smirking. “Good to know that you’ve assigned that neutral thought into the positive category. Anything holding you back there?”
Not really, anymore . I smile, and Ivy’s smile widens.
“Do you want to talk about how things are going with Carlie?”
I just laugh. “I think you’re taking advantage of your position as my life coach and best friend.”
She waves her hand. “You’re not paying me. I feel no ethical obligations to you.”
“You make a good point for me to start paying you again.”
She shakes her head and taps some things into her phone, probably her notes app. She uses a tablet and stylus with other clients so they don’t think she’s texting in the middle of their session. “Fine. Should we talk about you dreading the minicamp, then?”
Maybe I should talk about Carlie more. I settle in to get comfortable with my thoughts. “Sure.”