Chapter 2 #2
“Cam Bilini, mayor of our little corner of Maine.” He flashes a politician’s smile and shakes hands like he’s working a crowd. “And this is my Bubbles, the light of my life and the reason I get up every morning.” He kisses the blonde’s cheek. “She makes the world a sweeter place.”
“Charming.” Debbie Lee swoops in with the timing of a woman who lives by a schedule. “Now if everyone’s done performing marital bliss, we have a show to tape.”
All three husbands frown her way.
I’ll admit that felt a bit unnecessarily harsh, but then tensions are riding high, there’s food to be made, and jet lag to be had.
A bell rings, cutting through the moment.
“Places, people!” Debbie Lee shouts. “We’ve got a show to tape and I’d like to wrap before the mosquitoes discover we’re here!”
Fat chance, I want to tell her. The mosquitoes RSVP’d an hour ago and brought friends. On Kauai, the mosquitoes are basically the welcome committee.
I turn to the ladies. “What dish are you making tonight?”
“We’re making banana bread!” Bubbles announces, clapping her hands and jumping with glee. She really is that adorable. “It’s my favorite because it has bananas in it. Which is also what it’s named after. Isn’t that convenient?”
My mouth opens to say something, but honestly there are no words.
Doreen averts her eyes for a beat, then blinks at Lani. “Hey, since you’re in charge of the kitchen here at the resort, why don’t you help us on set?”
Lani’s eyes grow wide. “In front of the cameras?”
“In front of seven billion people,” Ruby corrects.
Okay, so not everyone on the planet watches the show, but it’s pretty close.
“Why yes, honey pie!” Cozy says, sounding exactly like a redhead from somewhere with porches and sweet tea. She loops her arm through Lani’s. “It’ll be fun! You can show us all your Hawaiian secrets.”
“I don’t have secrets,” Lani protests. “I just have a wooden spoon and strong opinions about butter.”
“That’s basically our entire brand,” Doreen says.
It’s also the brand of the kitchen here at the resort, along with a dash of cinnamon. Have I mentioned the fact we’re also known for our cinnamon rolls the size of our heads? And, less ideally, the occasional homicide. The cinnamon rolls get better reviews.
“Come on, Lani,” Bubbles urges. “Back in Maine, I was terrified of cameras too, but then I realized they can’t actually see you through the screen. It’s like a one-way mirror! The camera takes your soul, but it doesn’t keep it. It just borrows it for a little while.”
My mouth falls open and yet inside I’m dancing with glee. This is what the rest of the world refers to as a Bubble-ism, and I want to bottle it and sell it at the gift shop. And I can’t believe I got to hear one, live and in person!
Ruby gives Lani a little shove. “Go on. Represent Coconut Cove! Do it for the resort, do it for Hawaii, do it for the chickens! Do it for all the hot men who will want to fly to the island and grab you by the muumuu.”
Lani straightens said muumuu, takes a deep breath, and marches toward the stage as if she’s headed into culinary combat.
Everyone takes their places. The Spice Girls stand at their helm behind a makeshift kitchen counter, each with an apron tied around their waist in the form of a little grass skirt that swishes when they move.
Tiki torches blaze behind them, and of course the Pacific Ocean is showing off for the cameras too, nothing but cobalt blue highlighted by a golden sunset.
The director counts down. “And, action!”
Doreen nods at the camera, her smile warm and easy. “Welcome, one and all, to the Tiki Edition of The Spice Is Right, where my friends Cozette and Bubbles and I traveled all the way from frigid Maine to the warm beaches of Hanalei, right here on the North Shore of Kauai!”
“That’s right, sugar pie honey,” Cozy chimes in, her Southern drawl sliding through every word.
“Kauai is known as the Garden Isle, and let me tell you, the rumors are true. We’ve seen waterfalls, rainbows, red dirt, and more chickens than I can count.
It’s like someone opened a barnyard in paradise and forgot to close the gate! ”
Bubbles giggles at the thought. “And don’t forget the roosters!
They sing all night long. I thought they only crowed in the morning, but Hawaiian roosters apparently didn’t read the instruction manual.
Back in Maine, our roosters were much more professional about their schedules. ” She gives a solemn nod at the fact.
That’s officially Bubble-ism number two, and someone out there has already turned this into a drinking game—or at least they will once this airs.
Cozy winks at the camera. “And don’t even get me started on the men. Hawaiian gentlemen are a whole different breed. All that surfing and sunshine does wonders for the scenery, if you know what I mean.”
Doreen clears her throat and gets that look in her eye as if she’s about to steer them back on track.
“In honor of this tropical paradise, today we’ll be making banana bread, and we’ve got a special guest helping us out.
Lani Mahelona, the head of the culinary department right here at the Coconut Cove Paradise Resort! ”
Light applause circles through the crowd.
Lani steps forward, staring wide-eyed at the camera as if she’s just seen a ghost—perhaps her own ghost. “ALOHA. IT. IS. VERY. NICE. TO. BE. HERE.” She stammers and over-enunciates every syllable as if she’s being held at gunpoint.
Honestly she might prefer the working end of a barrel compared to the camera currently stealing her sanity.
“Oh no.” Ruby groans. “She’s doing that tourist voice thing. The one where you talk louder so people understand you better.”
I stifle a nervous laugh as Lani continues, “WE. ARE. VERY. HAPPY. YOU. ARE. HERE. IN. HAWAII.” Her volume increasing with each syllable, and it only proves Ruby’s point.
Cozy touches Lani’s arm. “Honey, there’s not a soul out there wearing coconut earmuffs, they can hear you just fine.”
Lani blinks. “Oh. Right. Sorry. I’m just a little nervous.” She slaps her mouth three times fast and a part of me is afraid she’s going to give herself a concussion.
“Just be yourself,” Doreen says through the side of her mouth. “Pretend the camera isn’t there.”
“But it’s RIGHT there,” Lani hisses, her eyes growing wider like a couple of hard-boiled eggs ready to propel themselves all the way to the Big Island.
Bubbles leans in. “I like to pretend it’s a really shiny toaster. That way, it’s less intimidating.” Her smile fades as she squints at the so-called kitchen appliance. “A toaster that can steal your soul.”
Wow, she can really commit to a theme.
The segment continues with the three women demonstrating their banana bread technique while Lani assists, gradually relaxing as the baking progresses.
They crack jokes, share stories, and the whole thing feels warm and comfortable with a cozy cooking show energy that makes you want to bake something and call your best friend to trash your ex. Talk about having a good time.