Chapter 20
Twenty
NARDI
I go to work late on Monday, having slept through most of Sunday and then snoozing through my alarm.
“Are you okay, Nardi?” my co-worker asks, scooting her chair over to me as I hurry in. “You’re never late.”
“I know.” I throw my purse on the desk and start my computer.
“How was your vacation?”
“It wasn’t a vacation. It was sick leave.”
She narrows her eyes, inspecting me. “That explains it. I thought you’d look happy and relaxed after using up all your vacation days.” Scrunching her nose, she murmurs, “But you look so much worse.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Are you better now?”
“I’m getting there,” I answer politely.
“What exactly was wrong with you?”
I lift my newly freed wrist. “I hurt my arm.”
“Really?” She arches a brow. “But your face…” She gestures, “it looks like you got run over.”
I pretend not to have heard that and get to work.
Thankfully, there’s a lot to catch up on. I throw myself into the tasks before me with gusto.
A few minutes before lunch, mom calls.
“I hope I’m not disturbing you Nardi.”
“It’s alright, mom. Everything okay?”
“I was looking through your documents and I saw that your lease agreement is almost up.”
“Is it?” I murmur, tucking the phone between my chin and shoulder blade as I continue typing.
“What do you think about not signing a new lease and moving from that building?”
“Moving?” I’m so stunned that the word escapes louder than expected.
The office falls silent.
I unleash an apologetic smile and tiptoe into the hallway. Shifting the phone to my other ear, I ask, “Mom, that’s so sudden. Why would we move?”
“The place really needs an update. There’s not even a fully working stove. And aren’t you tired of walking up all those stairs?”
“The elevators are almost finished. Cullen—” Simply saying his name makes my chest squeeze, but I’m not ready to deal with those emotions. “The landlord already paid for the renovations. Plus, it’s convenient to get to work and to Josiah’s school.”
“I’m sure there are other convenient apartments.”
“Not for the price we were, I mean, we are paying in rent.”
Mom goes quiet.
I fiddle with the button of my work blouse. “Can we discuss this later? I’m busy.”
“No need. It was a silly thought. Nothing serious. Have a good day.” Mom hangs up brusquely.
I stare at my cell phone in surprise. What was that about?
“Nardi!” One of my co-workers calls. “Are you finished with the file I emailed you?”
“Coming!” I sprint back to my desk and work like a madman until lunch.
I’m in deep focus when I see a shadow over the picture frame of mom and Josiah. I glance up and startle. My coworkers are crowded behind me.
“Do you want to come to the cafeteria with us?” the second office assistant asks.
I slick my thumb down a document, reading carefully. “I’m not hungry.”
My peers give me long, pitying glances.
The co-worker who sits closest to me steps forward. “Nardi, I don’t mean to insult you, but you really don’t look that well. You should eat something.”
I smile and shake my head. “I’m fine.”
They all glance at each other and I can tell I’ve been the topic of a water-cooler discussion or two. I ignore them and, eventually, they go away.
The office empties out for lunch and I’m left in peaceful silence.
At that moment, my phone rings.
I take a look at the caller ID and sigh, sending it to voicemail.
Sunny Hastings has been calling since last night. I figured she’d get the message that I wasn’t interested if I didn’t show up to her party.
Guess not.
Another call from Sunny lights up my phone.
This time, I groan and turn the phone completely over.
“That’s rude,” a voice says behind me.
I whirl around, shocked to see Mrs. Sunny Hastings in my office. She’s wearing an expensive fitted top and a long, flowing white skirt. Her perfectly pedicured toes peep out of luxury pumps. Today, her waist-length black hair is tied up in a high ponytail that swings back and forth when she walks.
“Sunny,” I gasp, shocked to see her.
“I know you’re mad at Cullen right now, but I didn’t do anything to you.” She pouts. “Why are you ignoring me?”
“I…”
She breaks into a smile. “I’m just messing with you.”
“What are you doing here?” I stammer.
“Aren’t you supposed to be on your lunch break? Why are you still here?”
“I was out of the office for two weeks. There’s a lot to do.”
“Yeah, but you still have to eat, right?” She arches a perfect brow.
“Uh…”
“Come on. Let’s have lunch at that café from last time.”
“I really can’t.”
“No problem. I’ll just come back tomorrow. And if you can’t tomorrow, I’ll come back the next day. And if you can’t the next day?—”
“You are really persistent, aren’t you?” My lips twitch into a wry grin.
“Yeah, it’s a lot. Drives my husband crazy, but he’s learned to live with it. You ready?”
I think about pushing her off, but Sunny Hastings seems like a woman of her word and I one hundred percent believe she’ll show up every day until I acknowledge her.
Grabbing my purse, I click my computer off and follow Sunny to the elevator.
She taps something on her phone and then grins when she receives a reply. At my questioning glance, she explains, “I told my husband I was eating lunch with you.”
“And what did he say?”
“That I shouldn’t.” She laughs and pockets her phone. “I knew he’d grumble about it. Which is why I waited until I got here to text him.”
“Why does your husband not want you to meet with me?” I ask, wondering if Cullen said something to them.
“It’s not that he doesn’t want me to do it. He’s afraid it’ll be a conflict of interest.”
The elevator doors open at that moment and Sunny bounces into the lobby. When she realizes I’m not following her, she slams her hand on the doors so they don’t close.
“Why aren’t you coming out?”
“I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Why not? Because of Darrel? He’s just being his typical, curmudgeon self. Don’t overthink it.”
“You want to talk about Cullen, don’t you?” I accuse.
Her eyes widen and she steps into the elevator with me. Reaching out a French-tipped nail, she presses a button and the elevator travels up again.
“I’m here to talk about whatever you want to discuss,” Sunny says gently.
“I don’t feel like talking.”
“That’s okay too. We can just eat.”
I frown at her, my heart slamming against my chest. “Did Cullen send you? Is this another pity mission from the grave?”
“As far as I know, Cullen isn’t dead so, technically, nothing he’s done is from the grave,” Sunny points out. “And no. Cullen has nothing to do with this. I’m here because I want to be.”
Sunny’s words sound rational to my mind, but my heart rejects them.
She’s only here because you’re pathetic. Everyone knows it.
My hands tremble and bile rises in my throat, a physical response to the anger inside. It’s a pounding darkness. A fury that’s been aching for an opportunity to lash out. I know it’s cruel, but I want to ruin something, to hurt someone, the way I’ve been hurting.
“Are you really that bored?” I spit.
Her eyes widen at my rough tone.
Alarm bells ring in my head, warning me to stop before I do more damage.
But I keep going, speaking harshly, “The billionaire’s fancy wife has nothing better to do than run around rescuing strays and saving women from their stupid decisions?”
Sunny’s jaw drops. “What?”
“Even if Cullen didn’t send you this time, you only care about me because he made that request.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is true. And I’m done being you people’s project .” I slam my finger on the elevator button, needing to get out.
I can’t breathe and tears are pressing into the back of my eyes, but I don’t want to be sad. I’d rather be angry.
“Nardi…”
I keep slamming on the button. “I don’t need you or Cullen. I don’t need anyone. Nothing is wrong with me and nothing’s wrong with my life. I don’t need a rich savior to ride in and fix me. ”
The door finally opens and I stalk out. I have no idea what floor I’m on or where exactly I am in the building. I just take a left, rush down a hallway and keep going until I find an emergency exit sign.
I follow the neon green lights that are becoming more and more blurry as the tears I’ve been holding back demand release. Stumbling through the door that leads to an empty stairwell, I gasp for air.
My head is pounding.
My lungs are burning.
I hate myself for snapping at Sunny. I hate myself for crying. I hate myself for wishing I could run to Cullen even now and beg him again and again to fight to live. To fight to stay with me. To stay for me.
Flinging myself against the railings, I squeeze the banister tighter and tighter until my knuckles turn from brown to cream.
The door behind me creaks open and Sunny’s heels click toward me.
“Nardi?” she says.
“I’m fine,” I spit. “Go away.”
“You’re not fine,” Sunny says quietly. “It’s okay to admit that, Nardi.”
I’m determined to hold it together but, the moment I feel Sunny’s soft touch on my shoulder, I crumple.
Sliding down the railing to the stairs, I cover my face with my hands and weep. The tears are hot as they roll down my cheeks. Sunny wraps me in a hug and pulls me in to cry on her shoulder.
My heart cracks and moans like a ship slamming into an iceberg. I’m drowning in my own tears, sliding into the icy depths where there’s only loneliness and ruin.
Why? Why me again?
What wrong have I done to deserve this? Why is it that my dreams, my future, my hopes are continuously ripped from my bleeding hands?
Why? Why? Why?
Sunny holds me until my head feels like it’s got its own pulse and my tears dry up. I realize that my nose is runny and I push her away.
“I… ruined… your… shirt,” I say between sniffs.
“It’s okay. I can buy another one.”
My bottom lip trembles. “Must be… nice to… be rich.”
“It has its perks,” she allows, ruffling through her luxury purse to hand me some tissues.
I dot at my eyes, feeling sheepish and a little awkward.
“Would you like me to get a bottle of water? Or I can buy some food.”
“Can you… buy,” I wipe my snotty nose with a tissue, “Cullen more time?”
“I’m afraid money can’t do that.” Sunny brushes away strands of hair that are sticking to the dry tear tracks on my cheeks. “No one lives forever. All we have is the time we’re given. Once that time runs out, there’s no bargaining.”
I finally get a handle on my breathing.
She offers a tiny smile. “Better now?”
“Not really.” I blow out a breath. “Um, I’m sorry. About what I said.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I was rude to you when you were being kind to me. That’s inexcusable.”
“There’s no need to be so hard on yourself, Nardi. This is a very difficult time.”
She’s being so gracious that it makes me even more ashamed of my poor behavior.
“You might want to wash your face with cold water before you go back to work,” Sunny advises.
“I can’t believe I cried like this during lunch.” I rub my forehead self-consciously. “My co-workers were already tiptoeing around me. They’ll know for sure something’s wrong if I walk back in with puffy eyes.”
“I’m sorry,” Sunny says with a frown.
“For what?”
“I’m the one who should have been more thoughtful and not bothered you at work.”
I shake my head. “No, I’m glad you came. I needed to cry, but it felt like I couldn’t in front of my mom and Josiah.”
“Why not? They’re your family.”
“Yes, but they also rely on me a lot.” I shrug. “I’m not complaining about it. I love that I can help and be there for them. But I also… I don’t want them to worry that I can’t be the foundation they need me to be.”
“You’re not a foundation, Nardi. You’re human. Whatever support, love and care you want your family to have, they probably want you to have it too. In fact, they probably want to be that for you.” She smiles. “There’s nothing wrong with being strong and independent, but we weren’t made to be an island.”
Sunny wipes her hands on her skirt and then leans her elbows back on the step above us. She looks ready to film for a photoshoot and I envy her natural grace.
Pocketing the used tissues, I ask, “How was the party?”
“It went well. We always have a great time when we get together.” She nudges me with her shoulder. “You should come next time.”
“I don’t know…” I hedge.
“It’s alright. I’m not going to pressure you if it’s too soon. The offer’s there whenever you’re ready.”
I nod.
She gets up and offers me a hand.
I take it and stand on shaky legs.
“You okay?” Sunny asks when I stumble.
“Yeah.” I smile sadly. “My head’s just a bit woozy. It’s been a while since I cried like that.”
She studies me and I can tell she wants to ask when the last time I cried was, but she smiles and says instead, “As promised, I didn’t talk about He Who Shall Not Be Named. I hope you took note of that. I held up my end of the bargain.”
I snort out a laugh.
Sunny checks her watch. “I don’t think you can make it to the café before your lunch break ends, but maybe we can grab something quick at the cafeteria downstairs?”
“Sounds good to me,” I agree.
Sunny and I get back on the elevator where we chat about her mother’s party, our shared memories of Belize, and her family’s annual vacation back to the Caribbean.
She really is a fun person to be around and I end up laughing as hard as I’d been crying.
Thanks to her, I return to work with a bit of the weight on my chest removed.
Mom volunteers to get Josiah from school, so I stay back late at work to catch up on some files.
By the time I make the drive back to the apartment, night has fallen and the stars are out in full force.
I park at my usual spot, grab my purse and walk past the front of the building. Unable to help myself, I peep at Cullen Tech’s front door and something strange catches my eye.
It’s a sign with three words in big, block letters.
WE ARE MOVING.
I freeze completely, staring at those words and hoping they’ll rearrange themselves to mean something else.
But no.
It’s right there in black and white.
Cullen’s leaving the apartment.
Stunned, I move slowly up the stairs, glad that the elevator isn’t ready quite yet. I need the time to sort through my emotions.
Why is Cullen moving out of our building? He told me he had three weeks. Did that timeline change?
Is he selling Cullen Tech?
The thought makes me wince. I didn’t sign the shares agreement, but there are plenty of other ways for him to gift Josiah with the company. Did he completely change his mind about making Josiah his legacy?
That doesn’t seem like him.
I open the door to my apartment and I’m instantly hit with the smell of homemade Belizean chicken soup. The spices that fill the air make my stomach growl. I run over to the stove and open the lid of the pot.
Yup.
It is chicken soup.
The fire hisses as the pot overflows and orange liquid splatters all over. Even in Belize, mom had a habit of overfilling the pot until it boiled over. I always thought that made the soup taste better.
“Oh, Nardi. You’re home,” mom says, walking into view. “Just in time. The soup is almost ready. Wash your hands and serve yourself.”
I eagerly take a seat.
“Did you get to Josiah okay?” I ask.
“Of course. Of course. I love how convenient it is to order a ride here. You can see exactly where your taximan is going on the little app.”
I smile at her enthusiasm.
“Josiah!” Mom calls.
My brother’s footsteps thunder toward us.
I scowl at him. “He never appears this fast when I call him for dinner.”
“That’s because mom’s food is better than yours,” Josiah mumbles.
I stick out my tongue.
He returns in kind.
Mom rolls her eyes. “Enough, you two. Josiah did you wash your hands?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes, ma’am ,” mom scolds him.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Mom nods sharply. “I don’t believe you. Wash them again.”
“But mom?—”
Mom gives him the stink eye.
Josiah lowers his head and rushes to the kitchen sink to do as he’s asked.
I take out three bowls from the cupboard as mom continues grumbling. “Always on the phone. He even takes it to the bathroom.” She points a pot spoon at his back. “I think it’s an addiction at this point.”
“I’m working on a project.” Josiah defends himself while pumping soap into his palms.
“For school?” Mom asks, starting to waver.
I lean against the counter and pop a slice of fried plantain into my mouth, watching their interaction with amusement.
“It’s a gift for Cullen.”
I freeze.
Mom’s mouth tightens. “Josiah, don’t mention that man in this house again. Nardi, put some rice into these plates.”
Josiah frowns. “Why can’t I talk about Cullen?”
“Because I said so. Nardi, the dishes.”
My eyes follow my little brother. “What kind of gift?”
“Nardi, enough yapping. Set this bowl of soup at my place on the table.”
“I don’t think I’m supposed to tell you,” Josiah says.
I take the bowl from mom, but I don’t move from the counter. Eyes fixed on Josiah, I ask again, “I’ll give you five bucks.”
Josiah’s eyes light up. “Ten and it’s a deal.”
Mom tries to nudge me out of the kitchen. “Nardi, why haven’t you moved?”
I walk backward and gesture for Josiah to follow me to the table. He does and I slip him the ten from my purse while he passes over his phone.
Both Josiah and Cullen are programmers so I’d expected to see a black screen with lots of indecipherable lines of code.
I’m surprised to see a video editor open instead.
“I’m not finished yet,” Josiah says. “Some of it’s still wonky, but this is what I’ve programmed with AI so far.”
My eyes widen when I see a picture of a ‘grown up’ Josiah standing in a cap and gown at his college graduation. There’s also a picture of a ‘grown up’ Josiah winning some kind of programming award. And yet another of a ‘grown-up’ Josiah in front of a giant crystal building with the sign ‘CULLEN TECH’ at the front.
My heart sinks straight to my feet with a thud.
“I can’t tell you exactly why, but Cullen won’t be around to see me graduate or go to college or work at Cullen Tech. I’m definitely going to do all these things someday and I thought it would be cool if he could see it now. Nardi,” my brother’s voice drops in concern, “why are you crying?”
Lifting a shaky hand to my face, I realize that, indeed, my face is wet.
“I said enough!” Mom stomps forward and grabs Josiah’s phone.
“Mom!”
“Mom!”
My brother and I shriek at the same time.
Mom clicks Josiah’s phone off and stares him down. “We are going to sit down and have a nice family dinner without any mention of irrelevant people.”
Josiah’s face crumples. “Cullen isn’t irrelevant. He’s my friend.”
“He’s a friend you best forget.” Mom shakes her head. “We’re all going to forget about him and we’re all going to move on! And that starts right now!”
My brother’s chest heaves as he glares mom down.
Mom’s eyes widen. “How dare you look at me like that! You think you’re too big to get whupped!”
“Mom,” I slide in front of Josiah. “This is America. You can’t spank kids here.”
Josiah steps out from behind me, his little fingers forming angry fists. “I’m sending Cullen that video before he leaves and you can’t stop me.”
“Oh? So you think you’re big?” Mom taps a few times on Josiah’s phone and then turns the screen to us.
My brother’s eyes widen when he sees mom’s finger hover on the delete button.
“No!” He shrieks.
“Mom, no!” I yell.
But it’s too late.
Mom’s thumb slams on the ‘delete’ button and all of Josiah’s hard work goes down the drain.
“I hate you!” Josiah screams at her.
Mom’s eyes bulge. “How dare you act that way with your mother?—”
“You’re not my mom! Nardi’s more my mom than you are!”
The color drains from mom’s face.
I gasp.
My brother storms away and slams his bedroom door shut.
“That ungrateful little…” Mom shakes her head and paces. “America has turned him into something else. He would never try that in Belize. If I’d talked to my mother like that….” She flings her hands wide. “I’d be laid out on the floor.”
I try to speak in a calm voice. “Why are you being so hard on him?”
“You know that man is going to die,” mom hisses. Her words fly at me like fists. “There’s nothing any of us can do to change that. So from now on, we’re all going to consider him dead.” She fans her face with a hand. “The faster we’re rid of him the better.”
I go very still. “Mom, what do you mean by ‘rid of him’?”
She stops pacing, her back to me.
I walk around to face her. “Did you say something to Cullen?”
Mom pins her lips together, avoiding my gaze.
I move right into her, refusing to back up. “Mom, what did you do?”
“I told him to get out of your life,” she blurts loudly. Her eyes rise to meet mine and I see the determination there. “I told him you’d lost too much already and he wasn’t allowed to add to your pain.”
A deep groan rises in me and I press a hand to my stomach, right above the scar. “Did you tell him… about my hysterectomy?”
Her jaw muscles clench and she stares at the ground.
The truth makes me crumple into a chair. “That was out of line, mom.”
“What did you want me to do? Sit idly by and twiddle my thumbs while watching my one and only daughter gun headfirst into heartbreak? I couldn’t. No, I refuse to. He needed to understand how much you’d lost to see my way of things.”
“Is that why you wanted to break the lease?” My eyes widen and I remember the sign on Cullen Tech. “Did you force Cullen to move?”
“No, I did not. He made that decision on his own. But it was the right one.”
“Right for who? ”
“For you .” My mother grabs my shoulders, lightly shaking me. “You’d torture yourself living upstairs of his company, constantly being reminded of him. You’d think of him every time you saw his staff or ran into someone you knew on his team. The pain would never end. I couldn’t let that happen to you.”
She pulls back, her face twisted in regret. “I won’t be here forever, Nardi. My visa will expire in a few months and I’ll be gone.” She snaps. “Just like that. I don’t want to fly to Belize knowing you’d suffer alone the way you suffered last time. I want to be here for you and put you back on your feet before I leave. He wanted that too. That’s why he brought me here.”
The floor shifts under me.
I stare at mom in horror. “What?”
She glances away. “He’s the reason my Visa was finally approved. He even paid for the plane ticket.”
I’m on my feet and scrambling to the door before I even fully realize what I’m doing.
Mom stops me. “Where are you going?”
“Please step aside.”
“Don’t leave tonight,” she insists.
“I said step aside, mom.”
Mom remains in place, her stance firm.
“Mom…” My voice wavers, “please.” Emotions overwhelm me and I struggle to put my thoughts into words. “I didn’t have a choice when Malcolm left me. I didn’t have a choice when the doctors told me I can never have the one thing I wanted so badly.” I press my fingers over my stomach, my voice breaking. “Life didn’t give me a choice. But I finally have one. I can choose to stay. I can choose to hurt.”
Mom advances on me, her own tears wetting her face. “Those memories might not be fresh for you, but they are for me. I remember crying with you on the phone for hours. I remember the days you could barely get up. I remember when you told me you wanted to die and I was so scared. I wanted more than anything to come to you and I couldn’t.”
A tear spills down my cheek.
“I’m not trying to take away your choice,” mom says desperately. “I’m trying to remove anything in your way that could hurt you.”
“Mom—”
“Sure, we all want to have choices, but who would choose to hurt?”
Wiping away a tear, I whisper firmly, “I do.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Yes, I do. I do, mom. If it’s for him, I’ll choose to hurt.”
Mom squeezes her eyes shut as if she can’t take another second of this conversation. “Please… just stay home for now. Wait until we all calm down.”
“I’m sorry.” I step past my mother, snatch the keys from the hook on the door and hurry to my car.
I’m halfway down the freeway before I realize that I don’t know where Cullen lives.
I call Sunny.
“Hey, Nardi. Just a sec.” She calls to her son. “Micheal! Don’t you dare enter The Diamond Forest without me.”
“Sorry to interrupt,” I tell her, chewing on my bottom lip.
“Oh, it’s fine. It’s Family Night and Micheal chose today’s activity. He has us playing video games and he and Darrel are not above sneak attacks.” She laughs and a part of me aches with sadness.
I will never have a family night like that.
Pulling the car over to the side, I grip the steering wheel and breathe out. “Sunny.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m about to make either the dumbest decision of my life or the best decision of my life. Or, actually, it might be a little of both.”
“Could you give me some more information?” Sunny asks. “I can help more if I have a clearer picture.”
I speak slowly. “If I told you the world was ending tomorrow and you’d never have another family night like this one, would you run away?”
“Sure. I’d run with Darrel and my kids to a bunker.”
I remain quiet, trying to breathe when it feels like my chest is about to explode.
Sunny answers quietly and I can tell she’s being serious this time.
“If I knew that it would all be wiped away tomorrow, I’d stay right here and love them harder.” She pauses. “Where are you right now?”
I pull my car back onto the road. “On the way to Cullen.”
There’s a long pause and then she mutters, “The best or the dumbest, huh?”
“It’s more like a little of both.” I smile shakily, trying to be brave. “I can use an address.”
Sunny’s directions take me to a large house sitting alone and desolate in the night. Despite how big it is, the windows are dark and there’s a bit of an abandoned look even though the lawn and appearance of everything is clean and well put together.
I ponder why that is as I make my way to the porch. And then it hits me. There’s something sad about a structure that was clearly meant for a large family to host only one lonely man.
Bounding up the stairs, I slam my fist against the door. “Cullen!” More pounding erupts through the night. “Cullen!”
A moment later, the door bursts open and Cullen stands in the shadows of his mansion. My eyes flicker over his pale face. He seems thinner than before, if that’s even possible. And he’s wearing a beanie, even at home.
“Nardi,” his silver eyes widen, “what are you doing here?”
I push past him and storm into his house. It’s impossible to see anything. I turn on my flashlight and swing it around until I locate a light switch.
Immediately, the darkness gives way to a flood of light.
“Nardi?”
I storm ahead. “Where is it?”
“Where’s what?”
“The packet I sent you.”
His eyebrows fly up and he points off to the side. “My office.”
I move that way and step into a room off the living area. There are rows of huge monitors bracketed on the walls. Three desktop computers light up neon.
There.
I locate the packets and yank out the document I need just as Cullen’s shadow appears behind me.
“Nardi, you shouldn’t be here,” he says in a strained voice.
“I need a pen.” I rummage around his desk.
“Nardi.”
“I’m trying to concentrate, Cullen. Dammit! How can a millionaire like you not have a single pen?”
“Why do you need a pen?” he asks, reluctantly walking to the desk and opening a drawer. There I see a bunch of neatly laid pens.
I grab one, scribble my name and signature on the document and stick it in his face.
“Let’s do it.” I pull the paper back a little so I can look into his silver eyes when I say, “Let’s get married.”