Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
CULLEN
I’m lying on a field of grass, staring up at the sky. Nardi rolls close to me and snuggles on my chest.
“It’s time to get up, Cullen.”
“I am up.”
“Wakey-wakey.”
“My eyes are wide open, Nardi.” I move to wrap her in my arms.
Suddenly, Nardi screams and backs away from me. I reach out to her, but my hands are covered in blood.
What the…? Panic engulfs me. I pat down my body, wondering where I’m bleeding from. Why is there so much blood?
The sky above me darkens and I realize I’m not lying in a field of grass but in a coffin.
Something grainy hits my face.
It’s dirt. The dying sun glints against the bottom of a shovel as it sinks into the dirt. More sand rains down into the hole that I’m in.
“Nardi, I’m not dead. I’m here,” I call to her.
Nardi appears in my sight, dressed all in black. She dots at her tears with a handkerchief as more dirt gets thrown on top of me.
The coffin lid thuds closed.
I’m trapped.
“No, I’m still here!” I shout, hammering the top of the coffin.
Tap-tap-tap.
The sound of the dirt falling on top of the coffin is all I can hear.
“Please! I’m still here!”
“Cullen,” Nardi’s voice wafts to me. “Cullen, wake up.”
“Ah!” I push at the ‘coffin lid’ only to sink my hands into soft flesh and sinew.
Nardi yelps and staggers back. Her arms windmill and she can’t catch her footing. I see her teetering back, her head making a bulls-eye at the wall.
I spring out of bed with the quickness of a speedster. My hand extends to her and I’ve never been more grateful in my life to have such long limbs. Nardi squeals when I snatch her arm, but I don’t care that I’m holding her too tight.
I drag her back to me seconds before her head smashes into the wall. My chest heaves and I cup the back of her head, holding onto her for dear life.
She’s okay.
And I’m still here.
I’m still here.
“Cullen, what’s wrong?” Nardi’s voice is muffled against my T-shirt.
I release her and open my mouth to speak, but the world suddenly tilts to the left and I stumble backward.
“You’re so pale.” Nardi grips my biceps and steers me to sit on the side of the bed. “Cullen, I think we should go to the hospital.”
“I just stood too fast and my head is spinning. That’s all,” I breathe out.
“Are you sure?”
I nod, closing my eyes.
Nardi rubs my back. “Did you have a nightmare?”
Fragments of the dream haunt me and my heart beats double-time. Since the moment I started falling for Nardi, my biggest fear was the pain she would face when I left her behind. My own death didn’t bother me. I knew where my path would lead. I was one hundred percent prepared to die, and I’ve always faced the end with confidence.
So what was that nightmare?
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Nardi whispers. She eases back and frames my face with her hands, lifting my head so I’m looking at her. “Are you feeling better now?”
I nod. The discomfort fades and I become more aware of Nardi’s presence.
“How did you get in here?”
“You let me in.”
“I did?” I scratch my beanie. The last thing I remember is taking a long cold shower after Nardi’s flirty texts, popping two sleeping pills and heading to bed.
Did I sleep walk last night?
Normally, I wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve also never had a nightmare while on the pills.
Are bad dreams and sleep walking new side effects of the medication? Should I go back to my doctor and get a new prescription?
Nardi laughs and balances her arms on my shoulders. “You changed the code to the day we met. I figured it out on my third try.”
“That’s how you got in?”
“For someone who’s not interested in me anymore,” she leans forward, “you are very sentimental, Cullen.”
Her perfume wraps around me like a sultry spell, and I am now one hundred percent awake.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” I mumble.
“I quit, remember?” She laughs softly. At that moment, I notice the suitcase that’s belly-down on the floor. She must have dragged it in here and tossed it to the side when she saw me having the nightmare. “Anyway, enough chatting,” Nardi says, “I’ll go make us breakfast. I saw all the coffee cups in the sink. You really shouldn’t be drinking so much caffeine with your medication?—"
“Why are you doing this?” I ask tightly.
Nardi stops mid-sentence and holds herself completely still.
Fear pumps through my chest, spurred on by the dream I had of being buried alive and then watching her cry from my resting place inside the grave. “I told you to leave me alone, but you’re still here. You’re still doing whatever the hell you want. It’s like you don’t hear me at all.”
Nardi’s expression turns somber. Her eyes shift to the ground and stay there.
“How much longer are you going to force something that isn’t meant to be? How much longer are you going to force yourself on me?” I hiss.
The words hang in the air, sharp as a million pieces of shattered glass. My heart turns to shreds in my chest.
This is the right thing to do. I know it is.
But it doesn’t feel right.
It feels like I’ve become a pile of dog droppings. Especially when I see a tear dangling on the tips of her eyelashes.
Nardi massages her neck. “Um…” She clears her throat, but her voice still sounds hoarse when she speaks again. “Wow. I, uh, I planned to hold on to you no matter what you threw at me, but you really know how to push people away, don’t you?”
Unable to look at her, I stare at the wall across from me.
“I’m going to ask you this question and I need you to be completely honest with me, Cullen. Because I won’t ask twice.”
I clench my jaw.
“Do you really want to leave this world without ever seeing or talking to me again. Is that really, truly what you want?”
I swallow hard. No, no it isn’t. But I can’t keep you next to me, Nardi. I don’t deserve to .
“I think I’ve made myself clear,” I grind out instead.
“Okay.” Nardi bobs her head, her shoulders slumped. “Okay, Cullen. I just wanted to be there for you. But… if it makes you that uncomfortable, I mean, if my presence causes you so much distress, I won’t ever show up in front of you again.”
She picks up her suitcase.
Every tendon, every muscle, every molecule of my being begs me to stop her.
Nardi pauses at the door and I feel a smidge of hope.
But she only takes a deep breath and then keeps going.
She’s leaving .
I gotta let her leave.
You’ll never see her again.
It’s better this way.
I love her.
I’m on the move before my brain can catch up. In three strides, I get to Nardi and take her hand to stop her from walking through the door. To my surprise, she wrenches her arm away and keeps going.
The thought that I should let her leave flits briefly through my mind. I said horrible things to push her away. Maybe there’s no coming back from that.
Die alone and miserable. Just like me .
I hear dad’s voice but, for the first time in a long time, I don’t listen.
Running up to Nardi, I wrap my arms around her waist and hug her from behind. She pries at my biceps, but I hold firm and drop my face into the dip of her neck and shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I rasp. “I’m sorry, Nardi.”
“Let me go, Cullen,” she sniffs.
I hug her tighter.
Nardi remains stiff in my arms. “Even if I love you, I’m not going to be your doormat. I won’t let you hurt me just because you’re hurting. I’d rather leave.”
I believe that she would. Her inner strength is one of the many things I love about her. “I know. I’m sorry for talking to you that way. I won’t ever do it again.”
She brushes away the tear coursing down her cheek with a bent finger.
My heart breaks completely. “I hate that I made you cry. Don’t cry, Nardi. Please forgive me.”
Nardi turns in my arms and looks up at me, her eyes boring into mine. “Are you asking me to stay?”
I drop my gaze, swallowing hard. “Yes.”
“Get on your knees.”
“What?” I blink.
“Get on your knees and beg me to stay.”
My lips fall into a thin line. I regret how harshly I’ve treated Nardi both today and when she came over the first time, but isn’t an apology enough?
Nardi watches me closely, taking note of every second that passes by. She turns away. “If you don’t want to…”
The thought of losing her makes the choice easy.
I drop to the ground and the thud of my knees hitting the floor fills the quiet house.
Nardi turns and watches me with a hint of surprise. She pries at my arms and tugs me to stand again. “Fine, I’ll think about staying. On one condition.”
“Name it.”
“Don’t disappear on me.”
I hesitate. “Nardi…”
“I respect that you want to do things your own way. All I want is the same respect in return.”
I give it a moment of contemplation. “I don’t know how much longer I have before…” I exhale shakily, “I might not be in control of when I disappear.” I inch her back a little. “Nardi, I don’t want to die in front of you. I haven’t changed my mind about that.”
She jerks as if the words pierced her skin but says bravely, “I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about you running away without telling me anything.”
“Okay.” I breathe out. “I promise when I feel like my time is coming and I need to leave, I’ll let you know.”
She wraps her arms around me. “Thank you, Cullen.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I ask, running my hands down her back. I’m so relieved to have her in my arms again that I wonder how I survived pushing her away.
She intertwines our fingers and leads me to the couch. I sit first and she sits a few inches away from me. I want to drag her into my lap, but I know I won’t be able to concentrate if I do. So I just keep holding her hand for all I’m worth.
Nardi looks serious and thoughtful when she says, “I’ve considered this a lot, Cullen. I really tried to understand why you’re doing things this way, and I’ve come to this conclusion. Tell me if I’m wrong.”
I gesture for her to go ahead.
Her dark eyes turn wistful. “You’re making this choice because you want to be remembered for how you lived. Not for how you’re going to die. You want to leave on your terms. You want to leave with dignity.”
Every word from her lips squeezes my heart in a tight grip and I feel a knot of emotion in my throat.
Nardi rubs her thumb over my knuckles. “So many people don’t have the privilege of knowing when their time is up, so they waste it at jobs they hate, ignore the people they love, and keep putting off what they really want to do. Then one day, they’re gone and there’s no do-overs.”
“But because you know that your time is limited, you’re intentional about every goal, every dream, and every second of time. You’re so intentional you’ve decided that it’s not worth it to endure the pain of another surgery or go through chemo again. For you, it’s not about the ending you get. It’s the fact that you have the choice to write your own ending that makes life beautiful.”
Emotions overtake me and, much to my embarrassment, I find myself leaking a tear or two. I turn away to hide the reaction from Nardi, but she’s got the eyes of a high optical zoom camera.
She gets out of the couch, stands in front of me and pulls me forward so my head is resting on her torso. I wrap my arms around her, thinking about how lucky I am to love and be loved.
Easing away, I gather my composure and rise unsteadily to my feet. “Go put up your suitcase. I’ll make breakfast.”
“Okay,” Nardi says with a smile.
I expect her to unpack in my room, so I’m surprised when I see her going upstairs instead. After all her flirty texts last night, I thought she’d waste no time staking her claim in the bedroom.
Feeling as if a hole in my chest has been filled, I fry bacon, scramble eggs and toast some bagels. By the time Nardi returns down the stairs, breakfast is served.
I offer her a plate and then turn my back to her so I can down a concoction of pills with a glass of water. When I face Nardi again, she’s watching me worriedly. “I saw all the medicine in your cupboard. Do you have to take them all?”
I nod and spear a crispy bacon. Though the food smells amazing, it tastes like dust on my tongue.
“I snooped a bit and noticed they all have some crazy side effects.” She pushes her food around in her plate. “Is there anything I should be aware of? In terms of what you can and can’t do?”
“As of right now, the worst side effect is not being able to taste bacon.” I shrug and smile comfortingly in her direction.
“I’m serious, Cullen.”
Walking over to the table, I explain, “I probably shouldn’t drive anymore and there are times that I feel nauseous and can’t keep food down, but it’s nothing to be concerned about.” Seeing that she’s still anxious, I take her hand in mine and say gently, “Nardi.”
She shakes her head as if she doesn’t want to hear it. “I know. I know. You don’t want me to worry or take care of you.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
She arches an eyebrow.
“We’ve known each other for a while.”
A little scrunch line appears in the center of her forehead.
“You’ve probably figured out by now that I’m not a people person.”
She snorts.
I smile. “I find conversation tiring but, with you, I feel like I could talk all night. You are…”
“A great listener? Too stubborn for her own good? Incredibly sexy?”
“Yes.” My smile widens. “And you’re also my favorite person, outside of my robot vacuum, of course. Which technically isn’t a person but…”
She laughs.
“We’ve flirted. We’ve kissed.” I wipe off a smudge of ketchup from the corner of her lips. “But we haven’t made anything official.”
“Official?”
I stare into her dark brown eyes, nervous and excited. “Nardi, will you go out with me?”
Her eyes widen and then sparkle. She leans forward, kisses me gently and says, “Yes.”