CHAPTER 34 #2
“You’re cute when your filter breaks,” he told me. Only one of us thought that. His free hand settled on my thigh. “Now, look up.”
I had nowhere but up to look. Still, I stared up at the dark sky. Stars scattered across the void stuck out like diamonds. Really bright and cold diamonds stuck in the sky.
“You know what’s cool about stars?” Maverick whispered. “The stars don’t give a fuck about who has what. We all get the same stars at the end of every night.”
“I don’t get it,” I replied softly. He made a small sound of curiosity to prompt me to keep talking. “I’m not fascinated by the stars at all.”
“Why not?”
“They’re cold and distant and just… there.
” I had way too much experience with cold distance and just existing.
When my gaze flicked in his direction, I found him watching me.
While I couldn’t quite make out his expression in the dark, I could imagine how confused he looked.
Or maybe judgmental. I had to sound like an idiot to him.
To make up for it, I offered, “I like the quiet that comes with stargazing.”
As if understanding what I was trying to do, Maverick squeezed my thigh for reassurance.
The weight of his hand was a comforting kind of pressure, and warmth blossomed in my core.
How I desired him was still such a foreign feeling to me.
It both confused and excited me, as did all of the firsts I was suddenly having with him.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
“You can ask me anything, except what my favorite color is because that’s such a dumb question.”
“Red.” The word was nearly out of my mouth before I could even think about it.
The boat swayed slightly as he very carefully rolled onto his side.
Blushing, I said, “Your room had a lot of red years ago, and it does now, too, which makes me think your favorite color is red. Though I could be wrong.”
“You’re not,” Maverick told me. A little bit of pride weaseled its way through my chest at the fact that I’d gotten that right.
“I like you in red,” I admitted
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Hopefully. “What’s your question, princess?”
Oh, yeah… that.
“There was a thing that we should’ve talked about the other night,” I began slowly, my heart pounding uncomfortably fast as the anxiety won out.
“I don’t want you to think that I think anything about you…
but I’m not an idiot. I know you’ve had other partners, and that doesn’t bother me…
I just probably should’ve checked… or asked… before we…”
“Before we fucked?” he finished for me. “To answer the question I’m pretty sure you’re trying to ask: yes, I’m negative.
I hook up sometimes with the out-of-towners, but I’m always careful.
I can’t afford to catch anything. Do you know how expensive the clinic is when you don’t have health insurance? ”
“I don’t.” I shook my head slightly.
“Doesn’t surprise me,” he muttered. “But I’m sorry. I should’ve said something first—”
”I should’ve asked,” I cut in before he could try to take blame for it. “It’s on both of us.”
“Yeah,” Maverick agreed softly. Silence settled between us, charged with something weird and uncomfortable—something I couldn’t quite put the words to. The mood shifted with it, making my skin crawl. “Harley?”
“Yeah?” I held my breath, waiting for whatever came next.
“How come you never called?”
Fuck. I knew it was only fair to him that I say something—that I tell him why I’d just disappeared.
I didn’t want to dredge up the past, but he deserved to know.
It was the least I could do, considering I’d had to cut him off completely.
That didn’t stop my chest from tightening painfully as I worked through what to say.
“I … um…” I stumbled over my words. “Before I left, my mother took my phone, so it just… it was just hard to figure out how to get in touch with you. I even thought about calling the school or something… anything to figure out how to get in touch with you. I didn’t want to cut you off, but it wasn’t that easy, Maverick. I just…”
His hand slid up my stomach and found my hand where it rested on my chest. The feel of his fingers lacing through mine should’ve been comforting, but it wasn’t. If anything, it made me feel worse.
“You don’t have to say anything, Harley,” he whispered. I understood what he was trying to do and hated it a little bit. After everything, I didn’t deserve it.
“No… no, I do.” I sighed, and my hold on his fingers increased.
“I wanted to reach out, Mav, I did. It’s just…
that first year, I was never alone. Ever.
My grandfather and my mother didn’t believe I had the family’s best interests in mind.
Apparently, my father wasn’t very convincing either, and my grandfather had a way of dealing with it… straightening his intentions out.”
“Harley…”
“Don’t,” I said over him. I didn’t want his pity or his sympathy, especially when he didn’t know. “That first year, he had someone following me everywhere. I was never alone.”
I drew in an unsteady breath, burying a flood of unwanted memories.
When I said never alone, I meant it. The humiliation of having someone follow me literally everywhere to report back on every little thing I did—bathroom, showers, bedroom—it was something I couldn’t get rid of.
I could bury it, but I couldn’t get rid of it. Not really.
“I finished high school, and then I followed my grandfather around like a pathetic puppy,” I told him. “Everything I did, said, wore, ate… it went through him. And if I stepped out of line…”
I swallowed hard. Yeah, I wasn’t about to finish that. Some memories had to stay buried.
“My grandfather got me into college with his connections and picked my degree because it’d be beneficial to running our company,” I continued.
“I went to college, went to work for him, and that was it. I had private security follow me wherever I went. I gained a little freedom, but it wasn’t really much of anything. ”
Freedom to go to the bathroom and go to bed alone. That was humiliating to admit out loud.
“And everything I did was still reported back to my grandfather.” I blinked back tears. “I couldn’t call you… I’m sorry, I just couldn’t.”
“Harley—”
“I wanted to.” The words just sort of fell out of me as my eyes burned hot. “I know I just left you, and I know I’m a terrible person for just… vanishing, and I’m sorry.”
“Harley—”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, and you should hate me—”
“Harley—”
“I don’t know why you don’t hate me—” He grabbed my chin, turning my head quickly and kissing me. The feel of his mouth on mine and the taste of salt from my own tears was enough to jolt my mind out of the building panic. I couldn’t quite kiss him back, but at least I wasn’t spiraling.
“I could never hate you, Harley,” Maverick murmured against my mouth.
His thumb brushed over my cheek, swiping away the tears.
I knew he was trying to comfort me, but all it did was tear open wounds I tried to keep covered.
I squeezed my eyes shut as my breath stuttered in my chest, my heart pounding wildly in my ears.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated unsteadily.
“I know, but you don’t have to be,” he assured me. But I did.
His forehead touched mine as the next wave of guilt and shame crashed into me with a sob that ripped painfully from my throat. No matter how hard I tried to stop it, I couldn’t. He whispered small words of comfort that barely registered while I fell apart.