CHAPTER 67
maverick
Loving Harley was easier than breathing.
It was the easiest thing I’d ever done. Sure, we had our things to figure out still, but falling into a routine with him wasn’t a choice.
It just was. Breakfast, work, dinner, bed.
Sometimes we’d take a late-night walk on the beach, or we’d go by my house and work on it together.
Harley did his best to help, but honestly, the man was a lost cause when it came to any kind of home repair.
Every night ended the same kind of way, tangled up in his bed until we were both sweating and exhausted.
It was a simple cycle, but we thrived in it.
Even if we didn’t dive into the deep stuff or talk about our history, it worked.
Sometimes it bothered me that he didn’t want to talk about the phone calls he’d take alone or why he was in such a bad mood, but I took it in stride.
I wasn’t actively sharing things about my life either.
We floated in this quiet space of not acknowledging the past while protecting the little thing we were creating.
Weeks passed, and the time solidified what we were building for ourselves.
Harley unburied his mother’s house, and a second dumpster was needed to dispose of the debris.
While he did that, I pieced the house back together, room by room.
The house began to look like a house again, and the finish line on the project became clearer with each passing day. What happened after the house was done?
I found myself entertaining the long game thoughts because I wasn’t ready to be done with Harley, and it was clear he wasn’t ready to be done with me. That notion left us in the limbo of the unknown.
“Hey,” I began, drumming my hands on the kitchen island, “can we talk?”
We hung out in his kitchen after another monotonous day of working through things.
Harley swayed to the soft music filling the space as he made a late-night dinner for us.
Meanwhile, I sat with my laptop in front of me, perusing job openings in the city.
Unfortunately, with every single one I read through, I wasn’t so sure I could easily make a move like I thought I could.
“Of course,” Harley replied, not turning around.
“So, you know how I said that I wasn’t going to let your money be a problem?” I was so goddamn uncomfortable bringing this up, but I didn’t have a choice. He merely nodded. “I’ve started looking at jobs in the city.”
That gave him pause. Facing me, he leaned against the counter, his arms crossed and his expression carefully composed. That didn’t help ease my nerves one bit.
“The truth is that being a felon is making it more difficult for me to find another job,” I said. “I got lucky with Frank, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another one. At least not in a reasonable time.”
“You’re looking at moving to the city?” he asked.
“I was thinking about it.” I closed my laptop and leaned on my forearms, sighing. “I know you have to go back because of your company.”
“Yeah, I do.” Something sad passed over his face—something I wished I could fix for him. Unfortunately, unless he just up and sold his company, that wouldn’t change. All I could do was try to ease some of the sadness in whatever way possible. I couldn’t do that from Wilde Bay.
“So, what if I went with you?”
“Went with… you want to move to the city with me?” he demanded. I tried to hide my disappointment because that wasn’t the response I was expecting. I’d expected him to be happy. If anything, he looked on the verge of panicking over that thought. “Why?”
“Why not?” I countered. His mouth opened, but no words came out.
Aidan’s commentary edged its way back into my mind, and I did my best to disregard them.
There was a reason that he was reacting like this.
“Look, Harley, at some point, the reality of everything has to be dealt with. You said it yourself: you’re just here to take care of your mother’s house. What happens after that?”
“I don’t know.”
“So… maybe I move to the city after this,” I said. “It just… I don’t know how easy it’ll be for me. I’ve looked at dozens of job applications, and I can’t apply for any of them. It could take months for me to find a new job, and that just…”
Fuck. I ran my hands over my face. Why was saying I’d need his help so hard?
“Oh,” Harley let out softly.
“I’m not saying I’d move in with you or anything—though, we practically live together right now—or… I don’t know what I’m trying to say, Harley,” I told him. Anxiety gripped my chest, its touch loose but present.
“Okay.” He nodded, his lips pressing together tightly. I could see his mind turning as he thought about what I’d said. “Well… what if you didn’t move?”
What? I couldn’t hide my surprise.
“What if I stayed in Wilde Bay?” I clarified.
“Yeah. What if you stayed here?” he continued. “I hate the city. I hate everything about it. I don’t want to live there. Wilde Bay is nice. It’s quiet, and it’s not… chaotic like the city is.”
“But you have to go back,” I said.
“My father went back and forth between here and the city all the time. It’s a drive, but it’s not an awful one. And I don’t mind the time on the road.”
“But I won’t get to see you as much.” I didn’t understand why he wanted me to stay when it would’ve been easier for me to go with him.
“Honestly, you wouldn’t see me much more if you were in the city,” he replied. “I have all these things I have to do, and it’s not like you can come with me for them.”
“Because I’m a felon?”
“Because you’re a man,” he whispered. “And no one knows… about me, or… they wouldn’t…”
Accept it. Knowing everything I did about his life, I wasn’t surprised by that fact. That didn’t mean I had to like it, though. In fact, I fucking hated it.
“So, what am I then?” I asked, my voice a little gruffer than I meant it to be. “You’re dirty little secret that you get to hide away in another town? Pretend like I don’t exist? What am I looking at here?”
“No!” Harley exclaimed. “No. I don’t… I don’t know, okay? I haven’t had time to think about it. I haven’t had time to figure it out. I just…”
His palm pressed to his chest as he turned away from me. I remained in place, listening to how he tried to steady his breathing. I wavered between rushing to help him and wanting to push the matter. It felt so much bigger than dealing with a bunch of homophobic assholes.
Granted, I was used to that kind of commentary. Aidan had thrown it my direction every chance he got. Maybe Harley wasn’t. Maybe the idea of dealing with it was too much right now with everything else going on. Could I really hold that against him?
“Okay,” I relented. “Okay, we’ll table the conversation for a while. I’ll stay here in Wilde Bay. I should at least finish my house, right?”
“Yeah.” His voice was barely audible. “I’ll figure something out, Mav. I will. I don’t know what, but I will.”
Something uncomfortable wove its way through my chest—something slow and insidious. Something tainted by Aidan’s words in the back of my head. I wanted to demand clarity and a plan. Something solid I could hold on to that was just I’ll figure it out.
But I knew better than to push him, so I swallowed the doubt and uncertainty. I ate the questions that kept trying to crawl their way out of my throat.
Harley still hadn’t turned around. His shoulders were tight, and his back was rigid.
“Hey,” I said, my voice softer.
He didn’t move or respond. Sliding off the chair, I crossed the space between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pressed my forehead to the back of his head and breathed him in deep, letting the spice of his cologne fill my lungs. The tension in his shoulders eased slightly.
“I’m not asking you to have it all figured out tonight,” I told him. That was partly true. I knew it was an unreasonable ask, but I wanted some kind of reassurance, too. “Just promise me that we’ll figure it out?”
“I promise,” Harley whispered.
“Okay,” I replied. I kissed the back of his neck lightly. “I’ll be here whenever you come back. I’m not going anywhere, princess.”
I tried to sound sure of the decision. And maybe if I said it a few dozen times to myself, then I would be. I wanted to believe this was a hurdle we could overcome, but I’d seen what fear did to people.
Love didn’t stop someone from choosing fear. It didn’t override it or drown it out. Fear had the potential to be loud and violent, demanding and vicious. Love asked you to be brave, but fear demanded you to be safe. Love didn’t magically make someone ready for something.
With his anxiety, I knew Harley needed safety. He craved the moments where he could breathe easier and function without chaos. I just wasn’t sure how I fit into that.