Chapter 3
Chapter Three
Lily
The honesty of Jaxon’s words hit me harder than I could have imagined, leaving me completely unraveled and with no time to formulate a response before he unbuckled my seat belt, pulled me over the console into his lap, a move that was awkward in the cramped space.
My breath hitched as the warmth of his body met mine, and the rich, spicy scent of his cologne wrapped around me like a spell, dizzying and dangerously intoxicating.
Every part of me screamed to pull away, and yet I stayed frozen.
But the moment he leaned his forehead against mine, I might as well have waved a white flag of surrender. All my reasons for resistance crumbled into dust and evaporated as if no time had passed.
Except it had.
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Then again, nothing about tonight was supposed to happen the way it did.
A cold wave of fear ran down my spine, causing my body to shudder at the memory.
“Come on, let’s get you inside and warmed up.”
Jaxon climbed out of my car, effortlessly pulling me with him as if I weighed nothing.
He used to tease that I was small enough to fit in his pocket, a joke that wasn’t far from the truth, given my petite five-foot-two frame compared to his six-foot-four stature.
With other men, especially my ex, that kind of height difference had always felt imposing.
But with Jaxon, it never had. His presence had always felt protective, a feeling that hadn’t faded as he lowered me to the ground with a sure grip, his movements laced with a gentleness that was all too familiar.
I followed him up the short pathway in silence, each step tightening the knot of nerves in my chest as leaves rustled faintly in the night air. It wasn’t until he unlocked the front door and flipped on a light that utter confusion took over my train of thought.
The living room was stripped bare. There were no visible signs that anyone lived in the home. Not a single piece of furniture, plant, or photo hung on the wall. Just a blank canvas of emptiness that felt uncharacteristically heavy, as if the life that once filled this room had quietly slipped away.
“Were you robbed?” I asked.
A part of me hoped his answer would be yes, because realizing he was merely existing rather than living was a heartbreaking thought, and yet one I understood all too well.
“That’s one way of putting it.” He shrugged off my question.
“Wow, that’s ballsy of them, considering you’re a police officer and all.”
“So, you’re saying you’re not a minimalist kind of girl?”
“Are you averse to furniture?”
“You look like you could use a drink,” he said, walking us into the kitchen, which thankfully showed signs of life.
“Are you implying I look that bad?” I risked a glance down at myself, making sure I hadn’t missed anything left behind from the chaos of my shift.
“Nah, you’re cute in your scrubs. Although I have to admit seeing you wearing my jacket, it’s a lethal combination.”
“Good thing I know lifesaving techniques.”
Dammit, inside voice, inside voice, I scolded myself.
If the barely contained smirk tugging at the corners of Jaxon’s mouth was of any indication, he knew exactly how much he still affected me, and he was enjoying every second of it as I felt my cheeks blush.
“I realize I should have said this earlier . . . I’m sorry for interrupting your New Year’s Eve plans,” I spluttered out of nervousness as he set two glasses down on the counter and poured two fingers’ worth of whiskey into each.
“You didn’t.” He held my eyes with intense purpose.
“You expect me to believe that you, Jaxon Fisher, had no one special to kiss at midnight?”
“You fishing for the status of my love life, Lils?”
“No.” I scoffed. “Just heard you haven’t settled down.”
“So, because I haven’t settled down, implies what exactly?”
Suddenly, the air changed from playful to serious. My lungs squeezed because, while I had zero right to be upset or jealous, the last thing I wanted to think about was Jaxon with another woman. It made me painfully nauseous, to be truthful.
“It’s been a really long day. Do you mind if I take a quick shower before bed? I’m exhausted.”
“Sure, follow me.”
Jaxon led me down the hallway of his home, the one he’d once shared with his twin brother, Jameson, until he moved into his own place.
The moment I stepped into his bedroom, I felt Jaxon’s presence everywhere.
The walls were a dark slate gray, and his bedding was all black, but it was the scent of his cologne that felt nostalgic.
It was like coming home.
To him.
He had once been my everything, my world, until I was faced with an impossible choice and chose wrong. Now, standing there in his bedroom, I wondered if that safe place still existed or if I’d burned that bridge to the ground, leaving me with only memories that haunted me when I lay awake at night.
“Here.” He held out clothes he’d just grabbed from his dresser. “They’ll be big on you—”
“Thank you.” I tucked my lips between my teeth, trying to hold back the anguish that wanted to break free.
Time stood still. I could feel the uncertainty radiating off him, fearful I’d disappear again, and while I had struggled to picture myself standing in front of him ever again, especially in his bedroom of all places, I couldn’t deny how much I desperately needed this.
Needed him.
With a metallic click, followed by a subtle, soft release of the handcuff from my wrist, there was an ocean of untapped emotions spiraling beneath the surface in his reflection staring down on me.
A tsunami waiting to crest and pull us both under, and yet a silent understanding, an offering of space until the time was right.
It was a quiet kind of mercy, offered without words, built on past trust I wasn’t sure I still deserved.
I slipped into the bathroom, locked the door, and looked around the space before stripping down and getting into the shower, not bothering to wait for the water to warm up.
My body convulsed under the cold spray from above, while a deep, unrelenting pain in my chest had me resisting the urge to collapse to my knees against the unforgiving tiles from the weight of a decade’s worth of unresolved emotions.
With each shaky breath, I fought hard to hold back my tears that were threatening to spill as the memory of why I’d fled my condo came rushing back.
The fear I felt earlier tonight when I arrived home from work was a gnawing reminder that no matter how hard I tried to outrun my past, the walls were always a hairline crack away from destroying the peace I so desperately craved.
I was exhausted from being on edge all the time, constantly looking over my shoulder, and paranoid of being exposed; someone recognizing me. Not just from the darkness of my past, but also hiding from those I once knew here in Sutton River.
Since returning to the States, I’d been terrified of Jaxon’s reaction if and when he discovered I was close by, despite Ari’s constant reassurances that he’d be both relieved and overjoyed, I had let my fears grow into something bigger than they really were.
So much time had passed—how could he not be angry with me?
Hell, I was angry with myself.
But when I looked into Jaxon’s eyes on the side of the road, something shifted.
Fate revealed its hand, forcing our reunion.
It was time to stop running from my past and step into the light, knowing my worth and embracing the strength I had fought so hard to reclaim.
I wasn’t going to let my anxiety hold me back any longer and steal my dreams.
I hurriedly soaped up my body, trying my best to block out the lingering scent of his body wash.
I couldn’t afford to let my mind wander, not when everything about Jaxon had the power to pull me under.
His presence, his scent, the weight of our past—it all had the ability to give me a false sense of security if I wasn’t careful.
After toweling myself dry, I slipped into his black Sutton River Police Department T-shirt and stood before the mirror, staring at the logo, wondering why he joined the police force instead of the fire department, as he had always planned.
When I opened the bathroom door, Jaxon was sitting at the edge of the bed, facing me with his elbows resting on his knees.
His thick chestnut-brown hair appeared damp, and he had changed out of his dark-wash jeans and black dress shirt into a pair of black cotton shorts and a white T-shirt that clung to his well-defined torso and arms.
“I showered in the guest bathroom.” He answered the silent question clearly etched on my expression.
“I-ah.” Stringing a sentence together was the least of my concerns, especially when his eyes did a slow perusal of my body from head to toe and back.
The cotton shorts he’d given me, I’d folded in and over at the waist, were eclipsed by his SRPD T-shirt, and if gauging by the heat in his eyes, he was appreciating the heck out of my look despite the fact I wasn’t revealing much.
A nervous flutter stirred in my chest as I turned and walked toward the door. Jaxon stood so quickly that I flinched on instinct. My fear wasn’t about him, but my body reacted anyway as he caught my wrist.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
I drew in a slow and practiced breath, smoothing away the cracks in my facade, hoping he hadn’t noticed my slight recoil that had nothing to do with him.
“Not that I had much choice in the matter earlier, but just because you brought me here to your home doesn’t mean I’m sharing a bed with you.”
Even though I wanted nothing more.
“Afraid you can’t resist me?”
“Hardly.” I swallowed, lying through my teeth.
“Well, considering this is the only sleeping surface in the entire house other than the floor, I’m—”
“Then point me toward where I can find some extra blankets, and I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“Over my dead body.” His eyes darkened with an unyielding intensity, almost daring me to continue challenging him.
“Okay, you be a gentleman and sleep on the floor then.”
“Not happening. Sorry, not sorry.” He shrugged with indifference.
“Ugh!” I sighed, biting back a smile. “I don’t remember you being this insufferable.”
“It’s been ten years, change is inevitable.”
Didn’t I know it.
“Why don’t you have any furniture other than in your bedroom?”
“Jameson took it all when he moved.”
“That was months ago, and you never thought to replace anything, like maybe buying at least a couch for the living room?”
“And you never thought to tell me you were living so close by?” His tone was sharp and defensive, and the sting of being blindsided was all too raw.
“Is this how it’s going to be?” I questioned, forcing my shoulders back, ignoring the deep ache in my chest that continued to build.
“Lily, I—”
I shook my head and slipped out of his grasp, intent on collecting my hospital scrubs that I had left folded neatly on the counter in the bathroom.
“Are you leaving?”
“I think it’s best if I go to Arizona’s like I had originally planned.”
“Best for whom?”
“For . . . for both of us.” I forced a tiny smile across my lips.
“So you’re running again.” There was no masking the hurt in his tone.
“Sometimes, we make choices that shatter us; other times, others take those choices away.” Sadly, I’d known both sides of that coin all too well, and the guilt and shame that followed.
“Do you feel like you’re in that kind of position right now?”
I dropped my chin to my chest, trying so hard to stay strong, but lying to Jaxon was something I was never good at.
Not that I ever had experience with it; he was just my person.
The one I confided in and shared my thoughts, goals, and dreams with.
He’d always been so in tune with my soul, often joking he knew me better than I knew myself.
Fast-forward to now, being in his home made me feel exposed and vulnerable. As much as I dreamed of seeing him again, I knew the onslaught of feelings would be unforgiving, and, truthfully, I deserved every ounce of his distrust.
“Lily?” My name was a question on the end of his tongue.
“Where are your handcuffs?” I asked.
His eyes widened in surprise, before darting toward the top of his dresser.
“Every inch of my being is telling me to leave right now, but truthfully . . . I don’t want to.
I’m tired of running, especially when the brightest part of my past is standing in front of me.
” I picked up the cuffs and extended my arm, letting them dangle between us.
“I’m running on fumes, so while this will give you the assurance that I won’t run, it will also give me the comfort of knowing you won’t disappear on me either. ”
“I can assure you, Lils,” he linked them over our wrists, tethering us together like two halves suddenly made whole. “I’m not going anywhere.”
With a nod of his chin, we climbed into bed facing each other with my right hand cuffed to his left, lying between us.
Being next to Jaxon in his bed, close enough to touch him, was something I had dreamed about for a long time.
It was surreal when, in reality, the last thing I should have been feeling was at peace.
Not after everything I’d been through, but in his presence, against all reason, it felt like old times.
It was familiar and comforting, yet I knew it was also fleeting.
We were on borrowed time together.
My heart ached with the weighted truth, and as much as I wanted to bask in its glow, it would be foolish to surrender to the peace I was feeling.
With my eyelids growing heavy, I rolled my body inward toward him until my back was flush with his chest. The motion brought our hands together, and he wasted no time threading his fingers through mine like old times when we’d spoon.
For one night, I could let myself rest and pretend like the outside world didn’t exist.
I was nearly asleep when I felt his lips ghost over the shell of my ear and whisper into the dark the answer to my question from earlier.
“I haven’t settled down because there was only ever one girl I wanted forever with.”
And that was when my first tear fell.