Chapter 9 #2
I didn’t trust easily anymore. Arizona was my safe landing when I moved back.
She didn’t push for details, just supported me as if I’d never left.
So letting her into that dark, hidden corner of my life, one I’d been too ashamed to share, helped lift the weight I’d carried in silence for far too long.
Her presence in my life had always been a comfort, even back when we were kids.
I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the way she understood and supported me without needing any explanation.
Back when my world turned upside down, my coping mechanism of moving forward and getting through the day had been to bury my feelings.
It was a brutal life lesson that taught me to keep everything close to the chest. With no one I trusted enough to confide in, all that suppression weighed me down and lowered my energy while the same painful thoughts looped in a vicious, never-ending cycle until now.
The past, while a dark stain on my soul, seemed a lot less cumbersome since I’d stepped back in Sutton River. The air was lighter and welcoming.
Speaking my truth and opening up to both Jaxon and Arizona was empowering.
Freeing.
I pulled back and dropped my eyes to my hands, particularly eyeing the left one, determined now more than ever to grab a hold of the life I’d always dreamed of. Allowing myself permission to start over was liberating in the best way possible.
Heck, I’d jumped out of a freaking plane yesterday, so it was safe to say I was embracing this new life with my arms wide open.
The memory of Jaxon in his element, eyes gleaming with excitement and pride, was something I never wanted to forget.
His whole body vibrated with an unparalleled energy that fed my soul and lit something inside of me I thought I’d lost.
“Happiness looks really good on you, Lily.” Arizona’s voice made me laugh, since I could feel the blissful, carefree smile spreading across my face as I grinned from ear to ear.
“Honestly, it’s . . . surreal. There isn’t really another adequate way to describe this past month. There’s a part of me that wants someone to pinch me because I’ve got to be dreaming. But on the flip side, if anyone tried, I think I’d smack their hands away. I never want this feeling to end.”
“I don’t doubt it; it’s been a long time coming,” she said, reaching for a second slice of pizza from the box on the coffee table.
It made me happy to see her eating, knowing how rough her nausea had been the past few weeks. It was why I’d shown up earlier with a veggie pizza—Jameson’s suggestion—sans meat, thanks in part to her new aversion, as he, just like Jaxon, was on the night shift.
“Jaxon and me?”
“Yes, but more so living. There’s a vibrancy in your eyes that had been missing. Sure, you always put on a brave smile, but I could always tell there was a heaviness holding you back.”
She wasn’t wrong.
While I knew how important it was to get things off your chest, I also knew that unspoken thoughts had a way of festering and looping endlessly if you kept them bottled up.
And I believed that. I did.
But my ex, Aiden—that part of my past was a different beast.
Giving him any airtime felt like giving him power over me, the kind he didn’t deserve.
He was nothing but an inconsequential blip in my life.
A darkness that did the unthinkable, and I refused to let him have any kind of lingering hold on my life.
Just the thought of his name on my tongue made my stomach twist from his vile betrayal, when I’d worked so hard to reclaim my dignity and rebuild the parts of me he’d tried to break.
“You’ve always been able to read me so well,” I said, speaking from my heart.
“I wish I had been strong enough to move back here initially, but I was afraid. I needed some time—” Time to relearn how not to live in a constant state of fear, always looking over my shoulder.
“Time to adjust to living on my own. I needed to be independent and prove to myself that I was strong enough. That’s not to say there weren’t good days where I thought I was foolishly avoiding the inevitable, then bad ones where my fears ate me alive.
I’m just so thankful to be here now with you.
I feel good about where I am in life—happy.
I’m not sure when the last time was that I could say that with confidence. ”
“And it shows.” She gave me a warm nod of approval. “Jameson said your apartment is ready after the repairs.”
“It is, so by the end of the weekend, I’ll be out of your hair.”
“Nonsense, I’ve enjoyed having you close. So, what’s the plan now moving forward with you and Jaxon?”
“Well, if he had his way, I’d never leave his house,” I joked and rolled my eyes dramatically.
“Sounds more like a perk than a problem.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
“Oh. My. God, Ari!” I choked on my laughter, caught between surprise and not knowing how else to react.
“What? If Jaxon is anything remotely close to his twin, I’m giving you fair warning now, he will be insatiable.”
I covered my mouth with the back of my hand in an effort to hide the salacious grin that caused heat to pool in my cheeks. But it was of no use; the smirk on Arizona’s lips spoke a thousand words as I started fanning myself and blew out a long breath.
“I wonder if Jaxon is as kinky as Jameson?”
“Um—” The truth was, I had no idea. Jaxon and I shared a bunch of firsts, but the most sacred one I couldn’t bring myself to think about.
“Sorry, I—my hormones are legit all over the place,” Ari apologized. “If I’m not craving my husband’s touch, he’s then holding my hair while any food I’ve managed to get down comes back up with vengeance.”
“Own it, girl, but are you sure the doctor only saw one baby on the ultrasound?”
“Oh, yes, just one little Fisher baby in here,” she rubbed her flat stomach since it was still too early for her to be showing just yet, “but honestly, I think Jameson was a little disappointed. With the bond he shares with Jaxon, I think he really wanted to experience that, but as a parent.”
“There’s always the next go-around.”
“Bite that tongue of yours!” she shot back at me. “Right now, my focus is solely on this pregnancy before I think any further ahead about our future, but between us, I can’t stop picturing him with twin girls.”
“Oh my God, yes! Jameson would be an incredible girl dad.”
“Agreed.”
“Will you find out the sex at your next scan?”
“That’s the plan, should my little bean cooperate.”
“I’m so happy for you, Ari, truly. You’re going to be the best mommy ever.”
“I sure hope so.”
“I know so.”
“Just think, if Jaxon were to follow through and never let you leave his house, maybe one day sooner rather than later, we could raise our kids together.”
“You’re ridiculous, but that would be something special. In the meantime, Aunty Lily is going to enjoy spoiling your little one rotten.”