Chapter 8 #2
“What circumstances?” she asked. “Beyond doing what’s possible for Emily, of course?
If the healers can help her, will you stay while she recovers?
And if she recovers, will you go back to your home?
And,” she pressed a hand to his chest, fingering the ties of his leather shirt, “if she does not,” she barely whispered, “what then?”
He knew what she wanted to hear. He released her and turned to look out at the mountains.
Why couldn’t he just lie to her? His fingers traced a pattern in the lichens that clung to the stone parapet, their rough texture grounding him in the moment.
The stone leached the warmth from his hands, mirroring the chill that spread through his body at the thought of Emily fighting for each breath back in Havenwood, or the struggles she might be enduring in the quest to bring her here.
A gust of wind swept across the tower, carrying with it a bite of frost from the distant peaks, raising goosebumps along his arms.
“I don’t want to lie to you, Skye.”
“Then don’t.” Her voice sounded broken.
He turned to stare into her intense gaze.
She hadn’t bothered to mask her hope or her vulnerability, making his thoughts even harder to voice.
“I care about you, Skye. That’s God’s truth.
I want very much to know everything about you.
To see…where this might lead. But I won’t deny I also want something else from you.
From this place. And it’s clear I can’t have both.
” The words left a bitter taste on his tongue, an admission of his divided heart.
“And I’m afraid that clouds everything else. ”
“You still believe there are portals here,” she whispered.
“Yes. I have to. I know they exist. I came through one. Everyone in Havenwood has. Including Austin. They’re as real as…
” he paused and looked at the disappointment etched on her face, “…as how much I want to make you believe I care for you. How much I wish you felt the same and we were free to talk about tomorrow and beyond. And how my heart shatters knowing from experience that all we have is right now, this minute, that we can count on. There isn’t time to wait-and-see, or for subtleties or secrets. ”
She shifted closer, the warmth of her arm against his, a stark contrast to the night’s chill.
“I understand you have your reality, Noah. And I hope you can understand I have mine. And the only thing we seem able to agree on is that they’re literally worlds apart.
But I want you to know despite that, I do trust that you believe what you believe. ”
Her voice held no judgment, only a quiet sadness and understanding that made his throat tighten painfully.
“Wanting to save someone you love doesn’t make you wrong or untrustworthy.
It makes you human.” She laid her head against his shoulder.
“I’m sorry I can’t help you. But I do trust that you believe you’re doing the right thing. ”
The simplicity of her words, the acceptance in them, made something crack open inside his chest, a fissure in the wall he’d built around his heart since that terrible night five years ago when he and Emily had been torn from everything they knew.
“Then I need to ask you something.” He chose his words carefully as she shivered, and he wrapped his arms around her to warm her, hoping she’d stay after he finished. “And I need you to be honest.”
Her eyes met his, steady in the darkness, reflecting pinpoints of starlight. Strands of her loose hair blew across her face and she tucked them behind her ears with fingers that trembled slightly from the cold, or perhaps something else. “Ask.”
“Your father,” Noah began, feeling his way through the question like a man crossing thin ice, the words forming wisps of mist between them. “Have you ever wondered if he might be keeping things from you? Important things?”
Skye’s gaze didn’t waver, but something shifted in her expression, a flicker of doubt perhaps? But in whom? Him? Or her father? The muscles in her jaw tightened, and he noticed the small pulse point visible at her temple. “Are you asking that to press your point about the portals?”
Her voice was barely audible over the distant shriek of a night bird.
“I’m asking because nothing about this place makes sense.
” Noah gestured to the fortress below them.
“The artifacts that seem to come from nowhere, from no craft or skill I’ve ever seen.
The way he keeps you isolated, protected from.
.. what, exactly? The way people come seeking help, like us, and are turned away.
” He leaned closer and dropped his voice to a whisper, creating a small space of warmth between them.
“And you, you’re too intelligent not to have noticed the inconsistencies. ”
She looked away, her fingers tightening on his arm. “He protects me,” she said, but the words sounded hollow, a recitation rather than a belief. He noticed her breath coming faster; small puffs forming and disappearing in rapid succession.
Noah pressed a kiss to her temple as a gust of air swirled around them. “From what? The world? Or the truth?”
Skye was silent, motionless, for a long moment as he studied her profile, sharp against the night sky, while wisps of hair, ignored this time, drifted around her face.
“There are times,” she finally whispered, her words so soft the wind almost swallowed them, “when I find things that don’t fit his explanations.
Books that speak of worlds I’ve never imagined.
Objects that shouldn’t exist. Questions he won’t answer.
” Her breath hitched. Her shoulders rose and fell with each inhale.
She turned back to Noah, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “But he’s my father. And loyalty to family is...” She took a long breath. “Isn’t family loyalty what drives you? Isn’t that why you’re here?”
The parallel struck Noah. Was he so different? Would he not do anything, try anything, perhaps even believe anything if it meant saving Emily? The wind whipped between them, carrying away their shared breath, leaving only her question hanging in the empty space.
“It’s not the same,” he finally said, but doubt had crept into his voice, roughening its edges.
Skye’s lips curved in a sad smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Isn’t it? You’d go to the ends of the earth for your sister. Why shouldn’t I do the same to stand by my father?”
“Because—” Noah started, then stopped, unsure how to articulate the difference he felt in his bones. His words dissolved between them as he struggled to find the right ones. “Because love shouldn’t require blind obedience. Because protecting someone doesn’t mean keeping them in the dark.”
Skye stepped away, wrapping her arms around her waist as the wind picked up, keening through the battlements with a sound like distant weeping.
“Let me take you in,” Noah stated, watching her shiver. “It’s far too cold up here.”
“Not yet.” She moved to the edge of the bartizan. “Not just yet,” she repeated.
The wind carried the flowery scent of her hair as it battered the long strands. “Then let me at least try to keep you warm.” He moved behind her and eased her against his chest, tucking her head beneath his chin as he wrapped his arms around her. “Better?”
“Mmmm,” she murmured, slowly giving up her stiff stance to relax against him. “We all have our secrets, Noah. Our own loyalties. Our own reasons,” she finally added.
“But some secrets destroy,” he whispered, close to her ear. “The cost too high.”
“And who decides what is too much?”
Noah had no answer. They stood in silence, the night air cooling the heat of their words as the stars wheeled above them.
“Can I ask you something?” Noah asked after a long silence.
He felt her nod, but she didn’t say anything.
“How well do you know Austin?” His voice sounded strange to his own ears, tight with an emotion he hadn’t expected. He’d wanted to ask ever since Keir first mentioned Austin’s name outside the library. And even more after Austin acted like there was something between him and Skye.
She twisted enough to glance up at him, surprise stamped on her face. “He visits occasionally. Brings reports, supplies.” She settled back against him. “Why?”
“The way he looks at you. He practically claimed you today. I wasn’t sure if that was just for my benefit, or if the two of you have some kind of...arrangement.”
A flush crept up her neck, visible even in the dim light.
“That’s...just Austin. It means nothing.
At least not to me. He thinks his charm is far more effective than it truly is.
I’m not interested. Never have been, regardless of my father’s encouragement.
” She shrugged, but the movement was too deliberate, too careful to be casual.
“Austin insinuated he and your father had some kind of agreement where you’re concerned.”
“I love my father. And as you well know, I feel a strong sense of loyalty to him. But despite his plans for my future, even he can’t decide who I fall in love with.”
It’s what Noah wanted to hear. What he’d hoped to hear. His level of relief surprised him. But he also realized how unfair he was to even contemplate a future with Skye. It simply wasn’t possible. The tension that had temporarily drained from his shoulders returned with a vengeance.
She turned in his arms, and her eyes held all the softness and willingness he could have hoped for.
When her lips parted, he couldn’t pull his gaze away, remembering the feel of them beneath his.
He was vaguely aware of the wind suddenly dying down, leaving them in a rare pocket of stillness, as if the night itself held its breath while desire and regret, honor and dishonor, warred within him.