Chapter 23
I sat in silence at the kitchen table staring out of the window. Gran’s favourite view, but I couldn’t make anything out thanks to the evening darkness. Staring out into the pitch black, I wondered what she’d make of the mess I’d got myself into. If ever I needed Gran’s advice it was then.
My phone lay in front of me and awaiting a text from Erin, I checked the screen for the umpteenth time. A part of me could have done without the evening ahead. However, desperate for a diversion, another part wished Erin would hurry up and land so I could get out of my own head.
I’d never experienced the instant attraction I’d had for Alex.
I got butterflies just thinking about him.
His playful personality, kindness and sense of family were wrapped up in the most handsome and enticing of packages.
But I had to wonder if his allure would’ve been the same had I not felt neglected?
I bristled, aware that the issues between Gideon and me were going from bad to worse.
It was no longer simply about a lack of attention.
Thanks to his surreptitious trip to the Christmas market, whatever kind of relationship Gideon had with Julia, we’d well and truly gone into the realms of mistrust. Even if Gideon did seem to have an answer for everything.
Not that I considered myself blameless. Gideon had seen me through the worst experience of my life. He’d given me structure and a sense of calm in what had felt like chaos and how did I repay him?
Anyone would think you owed the man , Gran said. Relationships aren’t credit agreements, Hattie. There’s no score to be kept. The last thing you should feel is indebted to Gideon.
Gran might have had a point, but that didn’t make me innocent. As far as I was concerned, in almost kissing Alex I’d crossed a line.
My phone bleeped, pulling me out of my reverie. Erin’s text let me know she’d parked up and would meet me outside, so I put on my coat and bobble hat, grabbed my bag for life full of goodies and made my way down to the street.
Locking the shop door behind me, I glanced around, taking in Settledown’s festive lights and window displays as I waited for Erin to arrive.
Recalling the Yuletide frivolity I’d shared with Gran, I wondered if Christmas would ever feel the same again.
I’d known the previous year, my first without her, was always going to be hard.
But I’d navigated my way through it, all the while telling myself the following year would be easier.
I sighed. That following year was upon me and it already felt wrong.
My eyes settled on The Royal Oak in the distance. I guessed Alex was behind the bar, pencil in hand, sketching the customers around him. Stood there torn and confused, I damned the brewery for its reshuffle.
‘Great minds think alike,’ Erin said.
I spun round to see my friend approach.
‘You’ve brought snacks too.’ She indicated her own bag of delights. ‘If Richard’s cooking is as bad as Joyce claims, at least we won’t starve.’
I smiled as we set off towards the town square. Determined to hide my unhappiness, the last thing I wanted was to spoil everyone’s evening.
‘Everything okay?’ Erin asked.
I evidently wasn’t hiding it well enough.
I realised Erin had suddenly stopped walking and coming to a standstill with her, I could see by her raised eyebrows that my friend wanted answers.
Hesitating, I wasn’t sure sharing my woes was a good idea.
One word in front of Joyce and my whole sorry tale would be out in the open.
I’d be the subject of gossip and before I knew it, when it came to me, Gideon and Alex, the key word on the street would be polyandrous .
But I needed to talk to someone.
‘Everything’s such a mess,’ I said. ‘And I don’t know what to do about it.’
Erin’s face relaxed. ‘Fancy a drink?’ She gestured to The Royal Oak.
I fast shook my head.
‘Okay.’ She glanced around and spotting a park bench, linked her arm in mine.
‘Come on.’ Leading me straight to it, we sat down on the frost-covered pew.
She reached into her bag, and pulling out a pack of six mince pies, ripped it open, taking out one for me and one for herself.
‘Is this to do with Gideon, by any chance?’ she asked, biting into hers.
I let out a dry laugh. ‘And the rest.’ I took a deep breath, not sure where to start. ‘You know how he’s been distant? Always working and not putting time aside for me.’
Continuing to eat, Erin nodded.
‘Then he met Alex, and he seemed to change. Well, the other night at the restaurant, I thought he was going to propose.’
Erin immediately swallowed. ‘Really?’
‘I mean, I don’t know for sure because he didn’t get chance to finish, but it certainly sounded that way.’
‘Is marriage what you want?’
‘If you’d have asked me that a few weeks ago I’d have said definitely.’
‘And now?’
‘I don’t think that matters. After Joyce rang, and it was all systems go to get to the hospital, he hasn’t brought it up again.’
‘Not even when he rang to check on Richard?’
‘That’s the other thing. He didn’t even check on me.’ I let out a deep, weighted sigh. ‘Which makes me wonder if I’d read the restaurant situation wrong. Although I suppose in the cold light of day he could’ve changed his mind.’
‘Maybe he panicked. Felt threatened by you renting a room to Alex, which prompted the conversation. Then he realised how daft he was being and backed off.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Weird he didn’t contact you though. To make sure you were all right.’
I scoffed. ‘It gets weirder. I saw him at Copington Christmas Market last night and he wasn’t alone. He was with Julia.’
Erin straightened up in her seat. ‘You’re kidding me?’
‘He said she was helping him choose my Christmas present.’
‘Do you believe him?’
‘I want to.’ I twisted round slightly to face Erin. ‘But it’s like he’s given me one doubt too many and what little trust I have left is hanging on by a thread.’
Erin handed me another mince pie.
‘Unless I’m using him as a smoke screen because the problem’s with me. It’s not like I’m completely innocent in all of this.’
‘I take it we’re now talking about Alex?’
My stomach lurched. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘One, he fancies you.’
I rolled my eyes. She was beginning to sound like Gideon.
‘And two, when you’d rather sit on a bench in the freezing cold than go in there…’ Erin pointed to The Royal Oak. ‘…where there’s a real fire and a warm drink on offer, I have to assume there’s something going on between the two of you.’
‘There’s nothing going on. Not really.’
Erin looked at me like she knew better.
Despite wishing I hadn’t, I told myself I’d started the conversation so I may as well finish. ‘When you dropped me off at my flat other night, I couldn’t face going in, so I called at the pub. I hadn’t realised it was closing time, but Alex offered me a drink anyway.’
Erin’s eyes widened. ‘Just the two of you?’
I nodded.
‘Now things are getting interesting.’
‘Nothing happened. I was missing Gran and Alex was happy to listen. Then we danced.’ I smiled, as I pictured us. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed like that. ‘Then this slow number came on and…’ I fell quiet.
‘And what?’ Erin didn’t even try to hide her eagerness.
‘And nothing.’
Erin appeared confused.
‘I realised what I was doing, and I ran out the door.’
Erin seemed to deflate. Brow suddenly knitted, she stared at me. ‘So let me get his straight. You’re feeling bad over something you didn’t do?’
‘Alex came by the shop the next day to apologise.’
Erin’s bemusement continued. ‘For what?’
‘That’s what I thought. He doesn’t have a responsibility to Gideon. I do. Which is why I should’ve stopped Alex when he put his arms around me.’
‘So the two of you did kiss?’
‘No. But the only reason we didn’t was because my phone rang.’
Erin looked at me like I’d gone mad. ‘So if you still didn’t kiss, what’s the problem?’
‘The problem is, I wanted to. More than anything.’
‘I’d like to kiss Alex, but I’m not losing sleep over the fact that I haven’t.’
‘But you’re not in a relationship. You’re not acting like there’s one rule for Gideon and another for yourself.’ I sighed. ‘I feel like such hypocrite.’
‘So what are you going to do?’
I wrinkled my nose. ‘I wish I knew.’
‘Let me put it this way, if Gideon wasn’t on the scene, could you see you and Alex getting together? As a couple.’
Frowning, that was a question I refused to think about, let alone answer.
‘Okay. Then can you imagine yourself still with Gideon in years to come? Marriage, kids, the lot.’
‘I used to. When Gran passed away, I felt so alone. Gideon saved me. If I hadn’t met him, I doubt I’d have my sanity, let alone the shop. That’s what makes this situation so hard. Back then he was patient and understanding. Everything I needed.’
‘And now?’
I shrugged.
Erin looked at me, her expression heartfelt.
‘Not all relationships are meant to last, Hattie. Some are meant to come and go. Of course, whether or not that includes yours with Gideon, only you can decide. Either way, just know you’re not beholden to him.
’ Erin put a hand on mine. ‘Although, if you want my advice…’
Thinking back to the fancy underwear situation, I wasn’t sure I did.
‘When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything.’
I supposed that made sense. I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind to be making serious decisions. ‘The fact that it’s Christmas isn’t helping. I was hoping for a bit of holiday fun. Instead, I’m wondering if I’ll be like Macaulay Culkin’s Kevin McAllister, spending it home alone.’
‘If the worst comes to the worst, you can always celebrate with me and Mum.’
I chuckled. ‘Thank you. The way things are going, I might have to take you up on that.’ Ready to talk about something else, I bit into my mince pie. ‘Should we really be eating these?’
‘After what we’ve heard about Richard’s cooking, most definitely.’
My phone bleeped, letting me know a text had come through.
‘That’ll be Joyce,’ Erin said. ‘She’s probably wondering where we’ve got to.’
Checking the screen, I frowned. ‘Now there’s a surprise.’
‘Don’t tell me it’s Gideon.’
I nodded.
‘He’s not bowing out, is he?’
‘Not quite. But he is going to be late.’
‘Brave man,’ Erin said. ‘After being caught out and about with another woman you’d think he’d be trying to impress.’
I shook my head at his audacity. ‘Exactly.’