CHAPTER THIRTY #2
I throw my hands up in the air. “Oh my god, for fucking once, would you not use something like this as a reason to fucking have a go at me,” I yell at him.
“I don’t need a lecture. Listen to my fucking words, Jaxon.
I get why he fucking blames me. I had him in my fucking hands and I still couldn’t help.
I fucked up. I made it worse for everyone.
Again.” Mum walks in next, Paisley, Wyatt and Eli at her side.
I scoff at the timing. I feel fucking caged as it is and now I have them all here as witnesses.
“Oh, this is fucking great. All of you just say what you’ve wanted to say since the accident.
I shouldn’t have let him fall. This is my fault. ”
“Reid, no,” Mum whispers.
“I fucking tried,” I growl, my gaze on Isaac, who is now leaning against the shelves, his complexion pale.
“I really fucking tried to keep a hold of you.” I hold my hand up that hasn’t fully healed yet.
“Do you really think I wouldn’t have traded injuries if I could?
Do you think I wouldn’t rather have been the one who fell?
Jesus. I’m so fucking sorry. And you know what else?
I don’t care that you all blame me. I blame myself.
I see you fall over and over again and I can’t do anything no matter how much I will it in my head.
I hear you on replay, pleading with me not to let you go.
I see the bar go through you on a loop. I can still smell the blood no matter how much I try to mask it with other scents.
I can’t change what happened. Don’t you think I wish I could?
So keep blaming me. I’m too fucking relieved that you’re here to care that you blame me. ”
I’m panting heavily when I stop. Mum and Paisley have tears in their eyes. Jaxon isn’t even looking at me. His gaze is on Isaac. Wyatt is staring at me like he doesn’t even know me. And Isaac... his head is bowed, attention on the floor at his feet.
Jaxon moves, coming at me, and I brace myself for him to swing.
Instead, his arms come around me, pulling me in for a hug.
“Stop. You are breaking my heart.” He pulls back, grasping my shoulders.
“No one blames you. My comment earlier was because I couldn’t believe that is what you’ve been thinking all this time.
I didn’t even see it. I thought you were okay.
No one in this room or in our family is to blame for what happened.
You keep talking like you dragged him there, like you were the only one who could have helped him. There were a few of us there, Reid.”
“He blames me,” I choke out. My eyes sting and I glance away. “He can’t even be in the same room as me.”
“I’ve never blamed you,” Isaac whispers, meeting my gaze. “I feel guilty.”
“Guilty?” I repeat doubtfully. “Why would you feel guilty?”
He glances at our mum, at our siblings, before lowering his gaze. “Because...” he groans, dropping his head back. “There was a moment right after I fell where I had a dark, fucked-up thought. I... I wished it was you and not me.”
My pulse slows as I stare at my twin dumbfounded. Everyone else is just as quiet. “Are you fucking serious?”
He glances away, shame written all over him.
“I’m sorry. I don’t wish it or think it now.
But in that moment, I did. And I’m sorry.
I’m really fucking sorry. I’m so ashamed of myself.
Each time you look at me like I’m going to break or you ask if I’m okay, I can’t fucking take it.
I feel violently sick. I’m so disgusted with myself. ”
I burst out laughing, confusing him and everyone else in the room. “You are such a prick.”
“I know,” he replies miserably.
“Bro, I’ve had thoughts just like that. In fact, I have them every time I get hurt.
When I got stabbed and Luke was bragging about fucking that chick, I wished it was him who got stabbed and not me.
Actually, I even wished it was Wyatt for a bit because the fucker made fun of me for wanting to find the secret passageway.
The same passageway that saved our lives.
You aren’t the only one to think like that.
If it truly came down to it being a possibility, it wouldn’t have entered your mind.
Trust me. If someone said to me, I can make this happen for real, I would say no.
I wasn’t lying about wishing I could trade places with you though.
I would take your pain, and deep down, you’d do the same for me if the roles were reversed.
” I glance at Jaxon. “You’ve had those thoughts too, right? ”
He slowly nods, glancing at Wyatt, not even ashamed.
“That time you broke the fucking ramp and were trying to fix it but couldn’t?
My hand got trapped in the mechanism, and it hurt like a fucking bitch.
I hated that you were messing with that thing for an hour and nothing happened.
Before I knew my hand wasn’t broken, I planned to purposely put your hand in there to get revenge because it fucking hurt like a bitch. ”
Wyatt shrugs. “I get it. That time we all went sledging and Eli demanded to go first on the sledge we were sharing? I wished it had been me who went first. By the time it got to my turn, the snow had melted a little more and I hit a dry patch and knocked myself out. I wished it had been Eli.”
Eli glares at Wyatt. “I fucking knew it. That’s why you pushed me off the bar stool the same night. You said it was an accident but I knew it was because I went first down the slope.”
Paisley snorts. “You guys are such boys.”
Wyatt grins at our sister. “Are you telling me, little miss sunshine, that you’ve never wished it was us something had happened to instead of it being you? Not even the diabetes?”
Her nose scrunches up. “No. That is so absurd. You’ve not thought like that either, have you, Mum?”
“Well...”
Paisley’s eyes widen. “Mum,” she breathes.
Mum holds her hands up. “Each time I gave birth, I wished it was your dad who had to do it. Sorry, sweetheart.”
“I’m sorry,” Isaac mumbles, drawing their attention. “Now I feel stupid.”
I walk over to him and gently place my hand on his shoulder. “You should,” I tease. “Are we good?”
“Only if you stop blaming yourself. I didn’t know that was what you were thinking.
I know you tried to help me. It’s why I felt so fucking guilty.
Our hands were gripping each other tightly, but the blood and sweat made it impossible to keep hold.
If you had let me go, this conversation might be going differently, but my hand slipped out of yours, Reid.
” He rubs the bridge of his nose. “I guess you moaning about always being hurt right before we went into the room had been on my mind just before I had the thought. I didn’t remember I thought it until a few days later.
I felt sick to my stomach and hated myself for wishing it was you.
Instead of saying sorry, I guess I turned into a bigger prick and avoided you. ”
“It’s all good, Isaac. Just stop avoiding me.” He pulls me in for a hug and I force a groan. “Why is everyone hugging me today? It’s annoying.”
“You do know a lot of these moments could be avoided if you all just spoke to each other. It doesn’t make you weak. It takes a lot for someone to admit what they’re feeling,” Paisley states.
The night a few weeks ago, when I asked Summer to be my girlfriend, enters my mind.
Aside from genuinely not knowing how to ask her, I had been scared to voice what I wanted.
I worried she’d reject me, or worse, laugh in my face and kick me out of her bed.
I wouldn’t blame her for wanting payback. “She isn’t wrong about that.”
“I’m going to work. Love you all,” Paisley calls out as she leaves.
“You need to get back into bed,” Mum warns Isaac.
I let out a put-out sigh. “I really do wish we could trade places. What it must feel like to be waited on.”
He snorts. “If you want to jolt in pain every time you move, or deal with your flesh fucking itching constantly in places you can’t scratch, or have your skin feel tight, make it happen. I’ll grant permission.”
My nose scrunches up because I remember my wound after being stabbed. I hated it, and there were times I wanted to claw at my skin. “Yeah. I’ll pass.”
“Come on,” Mum orders before looking at me. “I’ll bring you an early lunch over.”
“I’m meeting Summer for lunch.”
Mum smiles. “I’ll make you two lunches so you can take one over for her. The girl is incredible at her job.”
I nod, my chest swelling with pride hearing that. Summer is pretty amazing.
I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes as they leave the room. I haven’t been up long but I already want to get back into bed and sleep.
For maybe a week.
Jaxon presses a hand on my shoulder. I drop my hands to my sides, forcing a smile. “I know. I know. I need to get started on work.”
He clears his throat. “I’m sorry.”
My eyebrows draw together. “What for?”
“For making you feel like everything you do is fucking up. For making you feel like I enjoy yelling at you. You were angry before because you thought I was using how you were feeling to have a go at you. You assumed I jumped to conclusions and immediately thought you had done something wrong.” He lowers his hand, shaking his head.
“I’ve only ever wanted the best for you.
I know what you are capable of and the potential you can reach.
I just went the wrong way of showing you that.
I’m sorry. And if I’ve not told you already, I am proud of you.
I’ve always been proud of you. Of all of you.
How you reacted after the accident, I will forever be in awe of that.
I saw a change in you. I’ve seen it for a while now. ”
I shift uncomfortably and rub the back of my neck. “Does this mean I get a Best Brother T-shirt?”
Wyatt snorts. “Yeah, let’s not get carried away.”
Jaxon meets my gaze, the softness washing away in a blink. “If you ever blame yourself like that again, or even think one of us would think something like that was your fault, I will beat you until you think otherwise.”
“Okay,” I quietly reply.
“Good. Now that’s settled, let’s get some work done,” he announces.
I grin. “Hey, does the good behaviour grant me an extra thirty minutes lunch?”
“No,” Wyatt barks out, heading toward the storage shelves.
Jaxon chuckles. “Yes, but only because we will be finishing early today.”
“Sweet.”
I pretend to be busy as he leaves. Once I’m sure he’s gone, I sag against the worktop, bending over it.
He doesn’t blame me.
Jaxon is proud of me.
I have a fucking girlfriend.
Surely this can’t be real.