CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Reid
One of my favourite things in life is to watch people lose their shit.
And nothing bothers a Brit more than the weather.
You would think after a solid month of excruciating heat, people would be happy it’s finally decided to rain.
No such luck. Everyone we’ve ran into today has done nothing but complain about the weather.
Best one was watching a male in the neighbouring house lose his shit.
He had just lit the barbeque when the heavens opened.
The pre-prepped or assembled food were the first thing he threw.
To be fair, it was unsalvageable. Unlike when we do a barbeque, none of it was covered.
It has put a spring in my step ever since.
I shake off the water soaking my hair as I step inside the factory, ready to get some stock together for our next and last job of the day. Thankfully, the rain isn’t beginning to slow.
Wyatt has gone ahead with Eli and Luke, leaving me alone with Jaxon.
Dark, half-ringed circles stained his under eyes as he concentrates on the screen in front of him.
His eyes have sunken in, and ever since Lily’s assault, there’s been a permanent shadow residing in them.
A grave, haunted cloud lurks front and centre now, no longer hiding behind small smiles and feigned laughter.
It’s been just over a week since Summer and Paisley got hurt.
Whilst I only have an inkling of what he is going through, it doesn’t compare.
I don’t know how to make this better for him.
I’m scared that no matter what speech I come up with in my head, I will fuck it up and I’ll make it worse.
Besides, I don’t think there is anything on this earth beside capturing Andrew Black that will make what is going on inside of him, better.
Summer was in a crash. She wasn’t badly beaten in her own home, like Lily.
I had to listen to a car crash, and although it was horrific in its own way, Jaxon had to listen to Lily fight for her life.
Literally. I couldn’t... I don’t know how he is still able to function like this, even if he isn’t one-hundred percent.
I just can’t walk by him and pretend he isn’t hurting anymore.
So instead of heading to the supply room, I drag the chair out on the other side of his desk and take a seat.
“Jaxon, you should go home,” I tell him, keeping my voice even so it doesn’t sound like a demand. He needs rest, and I don’t think being here away from Lily during the day is helping him. Or at least today, it seems to be affecting him much more.
It’s not like we’re busy, so we can pick up the slack. We’ve pushed most of clients who can wait, back. Today is a day filled with jobs that cannot be put on hold, which is mostly moving people into a new home or moving shit into storage.
He pinches the bridge of his nose. “We can’t go home. Not yet.” He throws a piece of paper onto the desk, misinterpreting what I was suggesting. I know they can’t go home, home. I meant to Lily.
I reach for the paper, noticing the embossed stamp at the top. My eyes widen, recognising Black’s corporation logo. I flip the paper open, my eyes widening.
Lily, I will be seeing you soon.
And that baby.
A.B
My head snaps up, meeting his gaze. “Where did you get this from?”
“I ran by the house to get some more clothes for Lily and Rose, and I found it in our post. It must have been delivered the day before.”
“By post?”
He shakes his head, then groans. “No. He fucking hand delivered it. I guess I should be fucking relieved he thinks we’re still there.”
I guess updated software has its advantages because thanks to their lights and switches being connected to their Alexa, they are able to control their lights and television, making it believable to others that someone is home.
“We’re going to find him,” I assure him.
He throws his hands up, dropping the mouse onto the desk. “When, Reid? Fucking when? I want my wife to feel safe. The longer we are at her parents’, the more chance she has of never wanting to go back there. She loves that home. I cannot be the reason she never goes back.”
“Jaxon,” I call softly when his elbows smack down on the desk and he shoves his face into his hands.
His voice cracks when he replies. “She asks me if I’m okay. What kind of fucking man am I? She’s the one who got badly beaten, who miscarried, but it’s me she comforts when I wake up in the middle of the night and asks if I’m okay.”
That fucking lump in my throat is back and I’m sick of it finding its way back there. When I find Black, that’s the first thing I’m ripping from his body. His throat. All this fucking emotion is making me crazy.
I want us to heal as a family.
I want to fuck my girlfriend without fearing it’s the last time I’ll have her.
I want us to enjoy life again without this thunderstorm hovering over us constantly.
“Because she loves you. You’ve done no more for her, Jax.
I know I’ve not had the best advice in the past,” I pause, thinking about it, and realise I’m wrong.
“Well, actually, I don’t think this is advice as what I’m about to say is a fact.
But when you’re both ready to go home, Lily will be okay because you are.
And if she never wants to go back there, it won’t matter to her how much she loves the place because home is where ever you and Rose are. She’s strong. Really strong.”
He nods, but I can still see the heaviness in his shoulders. It’s pulling him down. “She’s stronger than she realises sometimes.”
“How has she been doing? Is she speaking to that therapist about the baby?” I question.
His eyebrows rise up in surprise. “You were listening?”
I shrug, ducking my head. I had been worried about him one day when he left abruptly through the back.
I followed so he wasn’t alone. My head had gone back to the call he got during Lily’s attack, which I know is where his mind goes every time his phone rings.
He pales and his eyes are wild whenever it goes off.
It makes me want to smash it against the wall.
I knew it was Lily that day by how soft his voice was, and when I was about to go back inside, I heard him ask if she spoke about the baby. I put two and two together.
“I left as soon as I realised you were talking to Lily. I just happened to overhear that bit.”
He watches me for a moment longer, his expression softening in a way a proud father would look at their son.
“She blamed herself for miscarrying, but she had no idea she was even pregnant. She... Fuck man. It broke her. At the hospital, before she checked out, she was hysterical. None of us could calm her down. She kept begging me to forgive her, and I just...”
“Hey, you can talk to me,” I tell him when he can’t continue. I’ve never seen him like this, struggling for words. He’s always been so sure, so unapologetic, but right now, he looks guilty as sin. I know I’m not Wyatt or Eli, but I’m here for him. Always.
“In the hospital, when she kept begging me to forgive her,” he begins, gulping. He peers down at the desk, unable to meet my gaze. “I wanted to tell her that I was glad it was just the baby and not her. It sickens me, but I can’t...” He meets my gaze. “I can’t live without her. I don’t want to.”
My brows pinch together. “Well, yeah. She’s your Lily.”
Her snorts, pinching his eyebrows. When he meets my gaze again, his eyes aren’t as murky or as lost as they were before.
“Reid, I don’t think you get it. I basically said I’m glad our baby died.
I thought it. And she had been begging me to forgive her when I should be on my knees, pleading with her to forgive me. ”
I shake my head as realisation hits me of where his head is at.
“Jax, I know what you said. It doesn’t sound crazy to me, and you don’t need forgiving at all.
If Summer had to fight for her life, or risk her life by trying to save a cluster of cells in her womb, then I would want Summer to pick herself too.
But this wasn’t a choice for any of you guys, so I don’t know if that helps. ”
And now I’m picturing Summer pregnant with our child, and instead of freaking out and breaking out in hives, it makes me inwardly smile. Because I’ll have that now. I’ll have that with her. And it doesn’t sound horrific anymore.
“Doesn’t make it right,” he growls.
“Okay, let’s put it this way. If it was between Rose and Lily, would you prefer it to be one over the other?
” I question but don’t wait for him to speak because I already know the answer.
“No, because they both mean the world to you. And you are missing the point. If Lily were to protect the foetus instead of fearlessly fighting for herself, neither would have been here. You wouldn’t be here.
Only one person is to blame, and we both know he won’t feel an ounce of guilt.
If either you or Lily could change what happened that day, it would be that none of it happened.
It wouldn’t be about whether she fought back or not. ”
“That’s basically what the therapist is saying, and Lily is slowing starting to absorb our words, but it doesn’t make the grief any easier.”
“Why would it? I don’t think there’s a cure, Jax.
Maybe once all this has been dealt with, we could plant a tree in the graveyard for the baby.
I don’t know what the right thing is here, but would giving them a unisex name be insensitive?
If it were me, I would want to name them, to acknowledge the life that was wanted, even if I didn’t know about them before. ”
He doesn’t say anything for the longest moment and I begin to think I said the wrong thing.
“Ignore me. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t think I say this enough, but I am so goddamn proud of you, but lately...” he swallows audibly, his eyes still wide. “You are a different person.”