27. Devina
Fucking Taylor.
Of course, we knew this could happen. I was careless. But we know what parts of our plan can be shared and what can’t. So now is the time to come clean. Well, as clean as I can be with Ryder.
“It happened seven years ago…”
I tell him about the fire. I tell him what happened before the flames. I tell him that my Scarlet was taken and replaced with this hideous scar. I tell him who Taylor is, and who his mother was. I tell him of the life that never came to be.
I don’t cry. I’ve cried enough. But it still pains me to speak the words out loud. He sits silently as I speak. I expect rage. I brace myself for the fallout.
When my story concludes, he takes a moment to digest what I just threw on him. Too long of a moment. The silence punishes me. I have to break it before it breaks me.
“I know what you thought when you saw his name on the phone. I can promise you that Taylor has been nothing but a brother to me, even more than Declan.” I reach for his hand but he pulls away. Our room that has become our sanctuary is now tainted as my pain splatters along the walls.
“You don’t know what I thought,” He rubs his hands over his face with a sigh, “I mean, it is one of the things that crossed my mind, but I thought…”
“What?” What could be worse than that?
“I thought you were spying.” He pinches between his brows and stands, beginning to pace back and forth. Of course, he knew deep down that I wasn’t seeing someone else. I did marry him voluntarily.
“A spy?” I can’t help but laugh. “You’ve got to be kidding Ryder. What would I possibly communicate back to the home base? That you are now fluent in how to bring me to climax?”
His face reddens and he turns to me with a halt. I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but then again, that’s what got me into this mess. “I knew you were hiding something from me. Is this it? What else are you not telling me?” He demands.
“This is everything.” Lie. I lied.
I’m dying.
I’m in love with you.
I can’t breathe without you.
“And you are still looking for him. This ‘invisible man’.” He lets the words hover around us as if he’s still pondering what to make of this.
“Yes.” Another lie. Kind of.
It pained me how easily they rolled off my tongue and how confidently I displayed them.
His face visibly softens as he tilts his face up to the ceiling letting out a frustrated grunt.
Yeah, I feel that, my guy.
“He is still out there.” He approaches me quickly, reaching for my arm. Instinctively I jerk away causing him to slightly raise his hands in retreat.
My shoulders relax and I allow him to take my hand. He traces my scars with a light touch. His scarred arm, mirroring mine. Now he knows how it came to be. I wait to see the regret on his face, but if it’s there, he is keeping it hidden. I can’t be mad. I’ve been keeping it all from him.
Right now, I would honestly give it all up to earn his forgiveness. To be everything to him again. Suddenly the fear of losing him outweighs the hate I’ve been nurturing, causing a sickening confusion deep in me.
“I’m going to find him, sparrow,” A vow as sincere as the ones that bound us in this life, “When I do, he will pay with blood.”
“You don’t owe me that.” He doesn’t. I lied. I’m lying. I don’t deserve what he is so blindly giving.
“Maybe I don’t,” He reasons as he brushes my hair over my shoulder. “But because of him, there is a part of you I will never know. There is a part of you that you are keeping from me. I can feel it.”
I shake my head. I know now that I’ve let him get too close. Tears threaten to fall. My world spins. I bite my cheek to keep the words from spilling the name I don’t dare say. He wouldn’t think this way if he knew.
He can never know.
“You are, Devina. I can feel you. I know you. I was made for you.” He braces my shoulders to keep me from swaying.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I can’t look at him. He knows. He knows the worst parts of the night that broke me.
“We don’t have to.” He pulls me to him, embracing me in the arms that would likely snap me in two if he knew the truth.
“We don’t? You’re just forgiving me? Just like that?”
He gestures for me to sit while he takes the heels from me that I’ve been nervously holding. Kneeling down, he grabs my left foot, slipping the heel on before resting it flat on his chest to clasp it tight. My heart flutters at the gesture.
“You are mine, sparrow. I will always protect what is mine.” He places my foot back on the floor before reaching for the other and repeating the task. “I don’t know what else I have to do to convince you of this,” his jaw tenses but he places a kiss on my ankle before releasing me, “As for forgiveness, we’ll handle your punishment later.”
He stands and offers his hand to me. I squeeze my legs together knowing I’ll probably enjoy it as much as I hate it.
He doesn’t have to convince me that he’ll protect me. I just have to allow myself to believe I’m worthy of it. I want to be his. I want to savor the delicious words he continues to serve me, no matter how undeserving I am.
Taking his hand, I am overwhelmed with guilt knowing that without a doubt, both of our hearts are destined to break.
One day soon I will be gone and none of this will matter. When he finds out and hates me, it won’t matter.
But his words make me feel like I matter.
I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve him.
But I’m selfish enough to keep him.
The mission is now more complicated. I let him kiss me and my lips linger on his. After tonight, everything will change. Even if he doesn’t know why.