Chapter 13
Kit
Brett has eaten at least three hotdogs, Tucker has eaten four, and Bowen has eaten two hotdogs and a cheeseburger. I sit in stunned silence on the other side of the picnic table. My one hotdog is half gone, and Brett is eyeing it like a hungry dog. I’m impressed.
“Do you ever get full?”
Bowen looks up at me, a tiny bit of ketchup on the side of his mouth, and my cheeks feel warm when he smiles. “No.”
Sheila laughs next to me and pats my arm on the table. “Growing boys. They’d eat just about anything, I’m pretty sure. Like raccoons.”
Brett dumps the rest of the chips on his paper plate and nods. “Probably true.”
Tucker reaches over to snag a Dorito, and Brett growls, smacking his hand away. They’re all a bunch of animals. Stinky animals. We’ve been running around all day, and they smell like a bag of onions. It’s so pungent I’m surprised my eyes aren’t watering.
“You all stink. Ever heard of deodorant? Maybe a shower? Soap?” I wrinkle my nose, and Brett wiggles his eyebrows, sliding off the bench seat.
“Oh yeah? You think I smell, Kat-boy?”
No.
I know that sparkly look in his eyes. I squeal, sliding out of my seat, and make a run for it. The grass is warm under my feet as I run as fast as I can away from the laughing boy behind me. I don’t make it very far before hands grab me from behind.
“Get off of me, you smelly monster,” I scream. But it's too late, he tucks my face under his arm, and I get an armpit straight to the nose.
So bad. So, so bad.
“Gross,” I screech, pushing against him as hard as I can. He’s laughing so loudly, then he burps and falls to the grass, pulling me down next to him.
Straight boys are so gross. That has to be the problem.
“You love me, even if I stink.” I roll my eyes but smile, because it's true. Brett is my best friend. Bowen, too, but Brett is my rock. He always chooses me to hang out with when Tucker and Bowen hang out. We’re on our annual camping trip, the cabins out in the middle of nowhere.
It's one of my favorite things we do every year.
“Yeah, whatever.”
He turns his head to look at me, and I look over at him.
I can’t believe there was a time I couldn’t tell him and Bowen apart.
Their faces are very similar, but their differences are so obvious to me now.
Brett has a slightly wider nose, and his brows aren’t quite as low as Bowen’s.
His bottom lip isn’t quite as…plump as his brother’s.
He doesn’t have the mole above his top lip that Bowen has, either.
My cheeks warm again, and I look back up at the blue sky.
Stop thinking about Bowen’s lips, weirdo.
Speaking of the devil…
Bowen and Tucker make their way over to us. Bowen stands where his head perfectly blocks the sun, and I can see his pretty… I mean, see his eyes take us in. Brett’s head is so close to mine, our temples are practically touching. Brett jokes that he and I act more like twins than he and Bowen do.
“Wanna go swim?” Tucker asks, his question more directed at Brett than me. God forbid my older brother admit he doesn’t hate hanging with me anymore.
Brett sits up, a smile stretching across his face. “Chicken!” He screeches, tearing grass from the ground as he hops up. He stops long enough to rain the green blades over me before dashing towards the water, yelling the whole way.
I huff, smacking the grass off my face. Tucker follows Brett, but Bowen is still here, holding his hand out for me to grab.
I hope I hide the shiver I get from clasping onto it. I hope he doesn’t see too much in my eyes when he picks a blade of grass from my hair and looks at me.
“He’s going to make us play. You know that, right?” He smirks, that half smirk that does crazy things to my insides. It’s harder to breathe normally when Bowen is around anymore.
“You’re going down, Briggs,” I say, running backwards to flash a teasing smile back at him.
Sometimes, I miss the simplicity of life before crushes.
“Not a chance, Meyer.”
He chases me all the way to the lake. I was never able to run as fast as they did.
Bowen catches me by the waist just as my foot lifts off the end of the dock and launches us both into the cool water. I surface with a sputtering laugh, shoving wet hair out of my eyes as Bowen floats nearby, a triumphant grin on his face.
“Your legs are just longer,” I huff, swimming towards him.
“You just run in slow motion.”
Brett’s voice cuts through the air from the shallower edge of the lake. He’s already on Tucker’s shoulders; fists raised in the air like some kind of water wraith king.
“Chicken! Let’s go! Bowen, Kit, get your asses moving!”
Bowen rolls his eyes, but before I can react, his hands wrap around my waist.
“Wait…no…Bowen…” I scramble; I’m normally on Tucker’s shoulders. This was not how this was supposed to go. I’m all noodle limbs, flailing to get away, but Bowen lifts me like I weigh no more than the inflatable pool duck Brett loves and sets me on his shoulders.
His skin is warm under my legs, and I nearly sever my tongue with my teeth to hold back the embarrassing sound that tries to come out when Bowen settles his hands just above my knees to hold me still.
“Brace yourself,” he mutters, wading forward.
“Are you serious right now?” My hands automatically grip his soaked head for balance.
“I don’t lose,” he says, and then Brett and Tucker are coming straight for us.
We collide in the middle of the shallows, water sloshing, hands grabbing at anything to stay upright. I’m laughing too hard to do much good. Brett is using both hands, tugging at my arms, and I’m yelling at him to stop cheating while Bowen adjusts beneath me, steady and solid as always.
Brett gets a good grip and yells, “Come on, Kat-boy. Put your back into it, don’t be a puss. You’re gay, not weak!”
Time freezes.
My whole body snaps straight and locks.
His words ring out across the water, louder than they should be. Much, much too loud.
Oh, God.
Bowen’s hands clamp tight around my thighs, holding me steady when I try to wiggle off. Then, slowly, he bends in the water, bringing me back down with him. I can’t breathe.
Brett’s voice, from somewhere behind us, whispers, “Shit. Kit, I…I didn’t…I didn’t mean…”
“Shut up, Brett,” Bowen says firmly, before turning back to me.
I try to pull away, but he grabs my wrist to stop me. Not hard, just a gentle touch with a comforting rub of his thumb against my skin. That makes it worse.
“You know I don’t care, right?” He asks softly. Totally unbothered. He seems more confused about my reaction than what he just learned. “Really? Kitten…”
My name in his voice hurts worse than the rest.
Because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know it's him. That every time he touches me, looks at me so intently, I feel like I'm going to burst open.
I can’t stay here, letting him look at me. He’ll see it all in my eyes. See everything.
So, I bolt.
I climb up onto the dock with trembling legs and dripping swim trunks and take off down the worn path, barefoot and full of panic.
The bunk room is dim, late afternoon light filtering through the slats of the old window.
I’ve tucked myself into the corner of the bottom bunk I always sleep on, knees pulled tight to my chest, Red the dragon clutched under one arm like I’m just a little, scared kid again.
It doesn’t take long for the door to open and click shut.
My wet shorts still cling to me, but I don’t even care.
His arm comes around my chest, and he squeezes me tightly until I don't feel on the brink of falling apart.
“I’m sorry,” Brett says into the back of my neck. “I was being loud and dumb. And you didn’t deserve that. I just…wasn’t thinking.”
My throat tightens, and I shake my head, barely.
“I know you didn’t mean to,” I whisper.
“No. But I still did it, and I’m so sorry, Kat-boy.”
We lay like that for a while. I let myself breathe in his presence. Let the tremble in my body settle. Brett is always good at making things feel safe, even when the world's flipped upside-down.
“They all love you, you know,” he adds. “Tuck, my mom, your parents. Bowen. Me.”
I don’t respond right away. If feels like too much. Eventually, I turn to face him and find his eyes open and on me, waiting.
“It's not okay,” I say, voice cracking. “Because it’s not just being gay. It’s…it’s Bowen.”
Brett doesn’t flinch. He just smiles, softly.
“I know."
That shouldn’t stun me, but it does. Brett always seems to know everything, but this was a secret I thought I hid well.
He brushes my damp bangs back from my forehead. A move that normally belongs to Bowen.
“And it’s still okay. You’ll see, Kat-boy.”
He pulls me in closer; chin tucked on top of my head. I close my eyes and pretend for just a minute that I believe him.