Chapter 20
Dear B,
The world doesn't make sense without you.
I can't understand how life is moving on for everyone else and I'm stuck here in this revolving door of hell.
You wouldn't be proud of me, B. I know you wouldn't be, but I'm helpless to stop.
I don't want to stop. It's the only thing that makes me forget for just a little while. The only thing that isn't him.
It's been eight months without you.
I can't look at him.
I learned a few weeks ago that the first two shots are the worst. They burn all the way down to my stomach, and no matter how often I drink, the taste makes me cringe. But I lost my best friend, so vodka will have to do.
I learned that if I drink enough, I can actually speak to my mom.
If I drink enough, I don't want to destroy Dr. Martin's office.
If I drink enough, it blankets my thoughts until I feel hollow.
Numb. The relief is unreal. Now I chase it like it's my lifeline, that numbness.
I chug the liquid relief every chance I get.
I thought they wouldn't notice. Or if they did, I thought they would be happy enough that I've found something to bring me out of my room.
But my mom cries more than ever. My dad got rid of his beloved liquor cabinet. My brother frowns every time he sees me stumble down the stairs.
And he…he doesn't come every night. Like he knows when alcohol has consumed me. He won't come near my room, let alone my bed. It's my punishment for being so fucking weak. So, so weak. So weak I can't stop.