Chapter 30
Dear B,
It was a beautiful day. The sky was blue, the sun was warm, and the birds were singing.
I hated every second of it. I hated it in a way I didn't even realize I was capable of hating.
The sun had no business shining so brightly on the worst day of my life.
It highlighted every moment in such bright, severe intensity.
Like it wanted to make sure that I would never forget the look on your mom's face when she fell apart in your brother's arms. Like it wanted me to be able to see each petal of the roses left on your sleek, black casket.
Every imperfect petal. Every pure, white one.
Every crease and curve. It wanted to shine bright enough that I could see my reflection in the box that didn't seem large enough to hold you inside it.
It wanted me to see the torment in my eyes. The anguish.
Like I couldn't feel those emotions radiating through my entire being.
It feels like I'm suffocating on it, B. It feels like I'll never be able to breathe again.
I'll never be able to see a blue sky and not think about your eyes, because they used to shine the same way.
Your soul was the sun and your eyes the sky.
How could the sun shine so beautifully when you're not a part of this world anymore?
I set my rose on your casket, and I wondered how I could get inside that hole with you. I contemplated whether or not there was room for me inside that box, because how could I walk away from you? How could they all expect me to just walk away and leave you to be put in the cold ground alone?
My heart may still be beating. But I know I'm dead. This has to be what death feels like. It's only a matter of time before my body realizes I can't survive a wound like this. I'll never survive it, and I don't want to.
They buried you with your keychain of me, your mom told me. Right in your hands. I'm sorry I couldn't go to your wake. I hope you understand, B. I hope you understand that I couldn't see my sun gone. I couldn't see you that way. I'm barely holding on.
I can't look at him. I can't look at him. I can't look at him.
It was a beautiful day. I fucking hated it.