16. For me
CHAPTER 16
For me
CALUM
Cathie hasn’t called me. Do I put down my full number? But it might attract the wrong people. I already got a few prank calls.
A few times, my gaze drifts to the phone on the wrinkled blue comforter. Why won’t it ring? Did she see the post? I shove a shirt into my suitcase without folding it and grab my phone.
The post from that day has garnered tons of insults, comments, and some gifts. What if she saw it and couldn’t be bothered? I typed in a shorter version of the message I left. If there was an option to privatise all my posts, I would, but that lessens the chances of her seeing them. Lord knows I’m tired of half the comments in the thread telling me to suck it up. I don’t want to suck anything up, except she’s the one sucking me up. I miss everything about that girl.
Done packing, I drag my suitcase to the living room. The driver will be here to take us all to Scott’s house. From there, we will head to the airport. I scan my living room one last time and nod in satisfaction. The place is as I like it: dark, with minimum furnishing. There’s a glass bowl on the centre table with plenty guitar picks. I push the suitcase to a stop and grab my phone to check my last post. It sucks that there is no way to tell if it has been read by the one person you wish to see it. My knob rattles. I frown at the door, crossing over to open it.
Scott stands in the doorway, his phone in his hand and a frown on his lips. He turns the phone to me. “Why do you need to stay in a hotel when Caleb has a house? A mansion?” Scott asks. He’s in cashmere sweaters over grey slacks. Always prim and proper. “Explain this to me.”
I squint at his screen. I texted him earlier about my plans. I’m not going to Yorkrinth to have fun. I’m going there to find my girl and bring her home with me. Now that my memories are back, I won’t take any chances. I straighten up and take a few steps back for him to enter.
“It’s what it is,” I reply.
Scott chuckles and pockets his phone. Stalking to the window, he flings the grey curtains open. Skyscrapers and tall buildings of similar designs form the perfect backdrop. Sitting on the windowsill, he grabs the edge. His lips twitch twice. It’s rare to see him out of character.
“No, it’s not. We are going as a team and sticking together,” Scott says. I try to speak, but he shushes me by holding up his index finger. “You can go about your business, but every one of us will stay at Caleb’s house. He has a giant house, for God’s sake. If you want space and privacy, you’ll get enough of that.” Covering the gap, he squeezes my shoulder. When his eyes soften, I know it’s over. “I’m saying this as your manager and friend. No hotels, Cal.”
“Fine. Can you at least get me a PI?”
“A what?”
“A private investigator,” I say.
Scott retracts his hand from my shoulder so fast he almost stumbles. I stretch a hand to help him, but he swats it. A scowl etches on his face. “Why do you need a PI? Are you in trouble?”
“No, Scottie,” I say, rubbing my palms up and down my cheeks. This is something I should have done earlier, but I didn’t have enough information. I still don’t. “I need to find someone. If you want me to stick with the guys, you’ll have to get me a PI. Someone you trust, okay?”
“Superstar? I’ll see what I can do.” Glancing behind me, Scott asks, “Is your stuff ready?”
I reply by grabbing the handle of my suitcase. Scott waits by the door, but when I try to head outside, he holds a hand to my chest. My gaze travels from the hand on my chest to his face.
Scott withdraws his hand and tucks it into his pocket. “Your mum is downstairs. At least hear her out.” My brow shoots unbelievably higher. I should have known he had a reason for coming over. “Cal, you two need to talk. It’s been months.”
“Did you put her up to this?”
“Why would I do that? No. She came to me,” he says. I push my suitcase down and sit on it. Silence follows, and his gaze drops. He stares at his leather shoes for a bit. “Well, she came to the boys first, but those cowards directed her to me. You really should talk to your mum.”
“Okay,” I say. Scott raises his head. Maybe I can learn to forgive her. “You can send her up.”
A smile stretches his lips, and he hurries out of the room. I stare blankly at the door, my mind plagued with thoughts. Memories of my last conversation with Mum pop in unannounced. I grab my head as images filter in. I see Mum’s face as clearly as if she was right here with me. I see the tears rolling down her cheeks when she explained. A blunt knife cuts through my heart. Guilt, anger, hate, and remorse twist into one bile taste on my tongue. Nausea sweeps in.
The quick succession of knocks snaps me out of it. I jump to my feet.
“Who’s there?” I clear my throat. In a much louder voice, I say, “Who is there?”
“Dani.”
That word elicits a sad smile for me. I walk to one of the three couches in the living room.
“Come in,” I say when I’m more composed. I don’t hear the door open, so I glance over my shoulder. Mum is inside, squatting to lift my suitcase. “You don’t have to. I can do it myself.”
Mum hauls the suitcase up and relaxes it against the wall. I stare at the polished floors, then at my black boots. Joining me, she sits on the couch farthest from me and crosses her legs. My gaze doesn’t drift above her knees. She’s here now, and my thoughts have gone quiet.
“You’re fine going this long without speaking to your mother?” she whispers. Isn’t that the same for her? Nearly eight months of no contact with her son. My hands flatten on my knees, and I rub them over my jeans until they hurt. “Scott says four of you are going to Yorkrinth.”
“Yeah.”
“Safe travels.”
My head raises. But I’m still unable to look her in the eyes, so I stare at the wall behind her. I should have had the walls painted white instead of blue. There are only two framed pictures on the wall. The pictures of Cathie that Tessa sent me. I hung them up in hopes of jogging my memory faster. Now the memories are back, I can’t bring myself to remove the frames.
“You are not coming?” I ask.
“No. You boys go have fun.”
Finally, my gaze drifts to her face. She curls her hands into fists on her knees. I’m not prepared for the onslaught of emotions when our eyes collide. My heart hurts. What goes on in her head sometimes? Does she blame me for her breakup with Pete? Are they still in contact?
“I wish you never gave me an ultimatum.”
She sniffs. “I’m sorry.”
Mum has a long list of things to apologise for, but I don’t ask for specifics. Not yet.
Her red toenails curl in her shoes. She sashays towards me and sits on the couch, leaving a few inches of space between us. When her hand lowers to the couch, I place mine over it and lace our fingers. I miss her, the woman she was before the drama with Cathie happened.
“Cal,” she says in a shaky voice.
“Mum,” I reply.
That’s all. For now. For the next few minutes, until my chest tightens so painfully, I’m certain I’ll combust. I spring out of the couch. Her eyes narrow to worried slits as she rises.
“I can’t pick,” I say. “Maybe we should have told you earlier. Maybe we shouldn’t have let our feelings take over us, but Cathie is not biologically related to me. She’s not my sister.”
Mum attempts to speak, but I shake my head. “I didn’t choose to fall in love with her. It just happened. Love chose us. I don’t care what you say about love being intentional, but starting today, Mum, I’ll be intentional about the woman I love, even if it comes at a cost. That’s it.”
Mending Hearts is at a great place. As a band, we are whole, but me? I’m broken on the inside, and singing out my lungs each time we have a performance only fills me with temporary relief. The person I call my home is not here. And I can never truly be happy if I’m not home.
“I’m going to find her, Mum,” I continue. Scott will provide a PI. Cathie might be mad at me, but she will understand once I explain it to her. “And when I do, I’ll not let go again. Ever.”
Mum is mute, but her arms wrap around her torso in a self-hug. I miss Cathie’s hugs. Five seconds pass without a word from her, so I tell myself to fuck it and pour out my mind.
“I’ll marry that girl. We will have babies. A boy first.” That’s what the shaman said. My eyes smart with tears, and my chest hurts from the pressure of my spoken and unspoken words. There’s so much to tell Cathie. She won’t believe I can’t eat chips now without dipping it into my ice-cream. I don’t call it fries anymore. “I’ll give her everything I promised her because she deserves the universe.”
Mum’s blue eyes shine with the tears glaring in mine. She presses her fingertips to her lips, and a sob escapes her. If she disapproves, I don’t know what I’ll do. “Calum—”
“And when that happens, I need you to be happy with me. For me. I need you to be on my side, her side. I need you to treat her with all the love and respect she deserves,” I add. A tear rolls out of the corner of my eyes, but I don’t look away from her. I shove a hand into my pocket. “If I’m still your baby, Mum, you’ll do this for me because I need my mum as well.”
“Okay.” She fans herself with one hand. Taking the first step towards me, she lets her arms circle my torso, and I rest my weight on her. It feels too nice. “Okay, son. Okay, Cal.”