36. Since when?
CHAPTER 36
Since when?
It’s not Calum’s fault. But I’m still upset. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be after hearing his side of the story, but that’s how I feel. Like the man said, I have this pent-up resentment and anger to expel, and it won’t disappear into thin air because he told me he lost his memory. The knowledge is only enough to ease the anger momentarily, but it always returns. I’m hurt and don’t forgive him. I can’t. Not so soon, anyway.
I fold the last batch of Amelia’s things into the box on her bed. The action draws tears to my eyes, but I guess it’s a good thing I still know how to cry. Exiting the room, I shut the door. The sound catches Calum’s attention. It doesn’t matter what I say. He’s still here. He went to his hotel for a change of clothes. And now, he is back. I may have been a bit harsh with my words. Scratch that. I was very harsh. But days have passed, and I haven’t worn him down.
Dad suggested letting him use Mace’s room for his stay. I agree, but how do I tell him that? He already thinks the worse of me. Well, we both think the worst of each other. I push those thoughts out of my mind as I approach the living room. He sits up, his gaze following me up the stairs. The house feels empty without Mace. Dad dropped by to take him so we could talk. I’ve been stalling, only because he will mention talking to a therapist. I don’t need one.
Why did Amelia write only him a letter? I enter my room and drop the box at the foot of the bed. I need to send some of her things to Wells Spring. A knock from the door stops me in my tracks. I ignore it, but it only sounds again. The man doesn’t take a hint. He needs to go.
“Cathie, I know you’re in there, and you can hear me,” Calum says. The knob twists and my heart beats a sharp rhythm. My eyes dart to all possible escape corners. “I’m coming in.”
True to his words, he enters. My back goes stiff. I’m lost for words as he bridges the gap. Why is he smiling? He was in a better mood when he returned today. Is someone at the hotel? If there is, I don’t care. He sits on the bed without an invitation and nods at the brown box.
“Are those her things?” he whispers.
“Yeah. I want to send them back home.”
Silence falls over us. My knees buckle, and I lower myself beside him. His hand covers mine. I look up, but he stares straight ahead. The red spreading to his cheeks is the only sign he’s conscious of his actions.
“She worried so much about you,” he says.
“Can’t blame her. I might have been a brat,” I mutter.
Calum laughs. “I don’t think that’s true.”
He’s a liar. Only a few days in Yorkrinth, and I have already threatened and harassed him. He’s being a gentleman.
“I was annoying,” I conclude and withdraw my hand from under his.
Calum doesn’t talk but inches closer. I don’t know why I rest my head on his shoulder. It’s probably another weak moment, but my body is tired of fighting my brain and heart. They want different things. My brain wants to remember the pain. My heart wants to remember him.
“I probably still am.”
“Maybe. But that’s part of what makes you who you are.” My head raises. His blues are clear with emotions. “I love you and your flaws, Miss Catherine J,” he breathes. My lips part, and he sighs softly. “I never stopped loving you. You’re my superstar, my melody, my heartbeat. Even when I hadn’t recovered my memories, I knew a part of me was missing. You, cupcake.”
“Calum,” I whisper.
“I don’t want us to continue the rest of our lives fighting each other. Our parents fucked us up once,” he says in a voice that sounds like a plea. I try to speak, but he shakes his head. “Mum replied to your emails, not me, Cathie. She fucked up. Why do we have to fuck each other up? Why do we have to suffer for something they did? Why do I have to pay? You love me.”
Raw emotions rush through me. It’s all too much at once. My heart recognises the strongest emotion. Fear. Calum scarred me. He left when I needed him. Though I know it wasn’t his fault, my heart cannot handle a relationship. It’s a constant battle in my head. I don’t know if I can ever get over my fear of being left again. He still has his Europe tour. After that, he will move back home. And his home is no longer with me. It’s in New York with his band.
“I don’t love you anymore, Calum.”
Calum’s shoulders slump, and his arms drop to his sides. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he needs to move on from us. We are something of the past and should be left there.
“Since when?” he asks. His eyes are hopeful like Mace when he sees his feeding bottle.
Since now.
Since yesterday.
Since he broke my heart.
“Since when does it matter?” I say instead. That light in Calum’s eyes dies. Guilt pinches my stomach, and I flatten my palms on my belly to avoid reaching out for him in a hug. When the hurt fades, he will see. It’s for the best. “I’ve moved on, Calum Dissick. You should, too.”
“Can we at least be friends?” he asks.
“How possible do you think that is?”
Friendship is not a word in our dictionary. We tried that once when our emotions were still under control, and it didn’t work out. How much more now we have a son and too much hurt?
Calum slides one knee on the bed. His hand sneaks behind to cup my neck. I lick my lips dry. He’s looking at me like he wants to kiss me. It doesn’t help that I want to do the same.
“Very,” he whispers. His head lowers. His breath fans my face before he leans in to test me. His lips brush mine. I don’t pull back. I don’t punch him. “I think you’re still in love with me.”
“You’re so full of yourself,” I counter.
“Maybe. But I know you’ll never hurt me.”
He came with his full tank to break down my walls. “That’s not what you said the other night,” I tell him. I don’t want to confront that day, but my voice goes low, and I whisper, “Like father, like daughter. I pointed a gun at you, remember? I could have hurt you, Calum.”
His finger strokes the nape of my neck. If I weren’t seated, my legs would have given in.
“But you didn’t,” he says. “You’re nothing like Pete, and I’m so sorry for saying that.”
His gaze drops to my lips and holds. If he kisses me, lines will blur. I will have no more defence against him. “Is this how sweet you are to other girls before kissing them?” I half-tease. An image creeps into my head. An Instagram post. “Or am I special because of Mace?”
Calum chuckles. I don’t think I ever forgot about that one pretty girl he kissed last year. She might not grace his page anymore, but the image of them kissing is burned in my memory.
“There was only one girl,” Calum whispers against my lips. I believe him. I don’t know why. He hasn’t spoken another word, but I know whatever he will say after this is the truth. “And she was a mistake, the biggest one I ever made. The kiss was a PR stunt. Putting her on my socials, too. I won’t mention her name because she doesn’t matter. But you, Cathie? You do.”
My foot bounces on one spot. “You didn’t sleep with her?”
“You are the only woman I want,” he says. My leg stops moving. His words crumble the rest of my walls, but I don’t make a move on him. “Never underestimate a man waiting until he’s reunited with his soulmate again. You’re home. It wouldn’t have felt right with anyone else.”
“What if we never get back together?”
“I’ll die celibate,” he says with conviction. “You are my first and last, Miss Catherine J.”
A sound locks at the back of my throat.
“You are special, not only because of Mace, but because of who you are. You mean the world to me,” he whispers. His eyes are the gateway to his soul, and I see the love. They piece back the fragments of my poor heart. “If I could take away all your hurt, I would do that in a heartbeat, Superstar. You need to know how much you mean to me. You mean everything.”
A tear drops to my cheek. Calum’s lips press against mine, but we don’t kiss. Going again, he teases me, taking my bottom lip between his teeth. His tongue runs over my lip, he slides it into my mouth and I open for him. His taste consumes me. Mint. Smoke. Doughnuts. My hands loop around his neck, and I accept all he offers. We break away to catch our breaths, but that second away from each other’s lips feels too long, so he leans in to continue the kiss.
His hands drop to my chest. A squeeze of my boob and I moan into his mouth. I shiver at the contact of a warm hand on my belly. Tingles spread through me, guiding my action as I pull my top over my head. He discards his clothes at the same speed. The next time we separate, our eyes gloss over. He stares at me, searching for answers, wanting me to use my words.
“I don’t want to rush you into anything,” he murmurs.
He won’t get my words because his confession rendered me speechless. I unhook my bra and let it drop to the floor. If I think too much about it, I might change my mind. And I don’t want to. Our world is not perfect, but I want to take advantage of this moment where I am his entire universe. He ogles my chest. His hands reach for my breast, and he plays with a nipple.
“Cathie,” he croaks out. My nipples harden even more. “God. I missed you, Superstar.”
So did I. Calum pushes my shoulders gently to the bed. His mouth closes over one nipple, and I shove my fingers into his hair. Pleasure erupts behind my closed eyes. I let out a moan through gritted teeth, my body submitting to his mouth and fingers that trail down to my legs. He makes quick work of my shorts, pulling it down alongside my knickers. A gasp catches in my chest. His fingers dance over my mound, sinking in slowly like he isn’t sure I want this.
“Cal,” I whisper. He lets go of a nipple to focus on the other as another finger slides into my wetness. My back arches over the bed, and my ears buzz. I need him now. My hands find their way down to his dick. Using my thumb, I rub the pre-cum all over his shaft and under his crown. He groans, biting my nipple. I hiss out a moan. I’m all too sensitive. “Mr Dissick.”
Calum stops and grins sheepishly. In one move, his cock fills my entrance. We both go rigid. Different feelings unfurl in my belly. From the look in Calum’s eyes, he feels them as well.
His eyes connect with mine. He thrusts once and says, “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
Tears well up in my eyes. For the first time in a while, they are not tears of sadness. My baby daddy smiles, and his head drops to my shoulder. With a few more thrusts, we climax. I hug him tight, ignoring the weight of his body on mine. Maybe my forty-seconds man is right, and I’m still in love with him.