39. Just life
CHAPTER 39
Just life
Ebun thinks I should sort out my emotions and heal right before any romantic entanglements. She didn’t mention Calum. She doesn’t know him, but she’s aware I have a baby daddy who wants to be involved in my life. It was a suggestion, an opinion, not a fact . That’s one of her favourite lines. I think she says that so she can’t get into trouble with her clients. Ebun is a lovely lady. I like her until she starts with the deep, thought-provoking questions.
I place a dress on the bed and step back to picture myself in it. I have another session with her later in the day. Calum volunteered to drive me. He lives here now. Jason stops by more often for Calum to practise with his guitar. That vision of the two men bonding over music is one Amelia would have loved to see. But it’s okay. She’s in her world. She is watching all of us.
It’s not my fault. It’s not her fault she’s not here. It’s just life.
A tear rolls down the corner of my eyes. Ebun thinks crying is good. I think sex is better. But I’ve been avoiding sex with Calum since last week. We haven’t talked about it. He wants to. I see it in the way he looks at me and shakes his head. He’s worried about me. They all are.
After hanging the dress, I exit my room. Mace is with his father, and that makes it the perfect excuse to see Calum. I knock once on his door and open it. They don’t notice me. A smile lifts my lips, and bliss spreads through my chest. I lean on the wall and shut the door quietly.
One of my new pastimes is watching them. Calum holds his son’s hands, trying to show him how to walk. Mace takes a few steps forward, his smile growing bigger with each walk.
“Good job. You think we should tell Mama you can walk now?” Calum teases. Mace’s head bobs. He might not understand a word his father says, but he loves the sound of his voice. He will always nod. Calum releases him and steps back but stays within reach. “Come to me.”
Mace stares in confusion. The fact he can stand without help is a big deal, but I don’t want to ruin their moment. Calum sits inches away from Mace and crosses his legs, opening his arms to let his son know he is always welcomed. “Come on, Macey. Let’s make Mama happy.”
They don’t need to do anything. I’m already happy. Calum is here. He hasn’t left. Even when I push him away, he comes right back. He’s not leaving. I don’t want him to. Mace drags a foot forward, and my heart gallops. I’ve never tried to make him walk. I believe in letting him do things at his pace as long as the doctor approves. Calum stills. We both watch our son take his first steps. I flatten a hand over my mouth, the rest of my body melting into a puddle.
My baby walked. Mace walked.
Mace stumbles into his father’s embrace, and that snaps Calum out of his trance. He picks up his son and throws him in the air. I flinch, but Mace giggles. I’ll never engage in such rough play. Setting Mace down, he runs his fingers through his messy hair. Calum needs a haircut.
“Holy shit. No. Holy not-shit. Don’t say shit,” Calum states. He slaps a palm on his forehead. I swallow my laugh. His one-sided chat is interesting. Mace looks up at his father in surprise. “You can’t curse around Macey, you idiot. Oh, God. No insults, either. Ignore me, Macey.”
On his knees, he tickles his son. Their laughter rises to the air like the voice of a heavenly choir, filling up cracks in my heart that I never knew existed. I wipe a stray tear. I’m happy.
“You walked. Let’s go tell Mama, yeah?” Up on his feet, he steadies his son. Mace sways without falling. “Do you want to walk to her room, or should we surprise her? What say you?”
Calum settles for a surprise and grabs Mace off the floor. Spinning, he stops when he spots me. I wait for shock and annoyance, but his lips stretch into the biggest smile ever.
“Mace walked. Cathie, our son walked.”
I don’t know why I nod. It’s his moment, and I want him to have it. “Really? He did?”
Calum nods furiously. “Oh my God, Catherine. Macey walked.” He says it like he only now understands the gravity. I laugh, and he misconstrues it. If I ever had doubts, they are gone. His eyes pop wide open, and he gesticulates wildly. “You should have seen it, superstar.”
Mace stretches his arms for me, and I carry him. “Yeah? Did you walk, Macey?”
“Yeah.” Rubbing his hands together, Calum says, “Perfecto.”
“Macey? Do you want to walk for Mama?” I ask. Mace reaches for my hair. “Not that.”
“It takes a while for him to get to it,” Calum offers. “Right, Macey?”
Mace stares at us and slips his thumb into his mouth. On Calum’s instructions, I lower him to the floor, and he clings to my leg. Calum walks backwards and motions for our son to walk. I turn Mace around, supporting him with my legs. He tries to look up at me, and I bend at the waist.
“Mama is here to catch you before you fall,” I tell Mace.
“Papa, too,” Calum adds.
“Yeah. And Papa too.”
Mace replies in baby language. Calum does a better job of talking to him normally. The doctor says it helps. Calum coos. Instead of Mace walking, he crawls to him. Calum tries to feign disappointment, but our smiles wipe off his frown. He lifts Mace but doesn’t toss him in the air. I smother my laugh. I already know what he does to our baby in my absence.
“Maybe he’s tired,” I say.
“Maybe.” Mace rests his head on his father’s shoulder. I try to carry him, but Calum shakes his head. They were all right. Mace needed him. They bond so well. “What were you doing?”
“Getting ready for my session,” I say. He responds with a frown. I slip a finger into Mace’s fist. His closed eyelids twitch but stay closed. “I know it’s not until a few hours, but yeah.”
“Do you think you’ll ever come to New York?” Calum whispers. Mace is asleep. I tug on the hem of my shirt. “Not now. But in the future? You could open another branch for GC or BC.”
We went to my office yesterday. As long as I go through the weekly updates, attend the zoom meetings, and keep in contact with the team, I’m good. Sometimes, I must be physically present, but not as much. Another branch can only mean more work. But Calum will be close.
“Maybe. It’s worth a thought.” A ghost of a smile flies across his face. I bounce on my toes, and he frowns. “Do you think you’ll ever live in Yorkrinth? What happens after your tour?”
“It depends on you.”
“How so?”
“We will live wherever you want,” he says.
“Because we are co-parents?”
His face almost shuts down. He holds up a finger, excusing himself to keep Mace on the bed. When he’s back, we don’t speak. The distance between us is more emotional than physical. I don’t know how to bridge it.
“Yes, because we are co-parents. But that’s not the main reason. Not even in the top three. Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Because you’re my wife.” My forehead wrinkles, and my mouth parts. “ Ye married now . Remember, Mrs Dissick?”
Laughter builds deep within my belly and exits my lips in a childish giggle. I still have my ring.
“Do you have your ring?” I ask him.
“Yes. Do you?”
“Maybe,” I reply. I open and close my mouth. We need to talk about our future. “Calum?”
Calum must have noted the shift. In a few strides, he’s engulfing me in his arms. I feel safe. Talking to Ebun helps, but when I’m in his embrace, listening to his heartbeat, it’s as close as I get to feeling whole again. His breath warms my neck. I shiver as his arms clamp around my waist to pull me into an already tight hug. I let myself go. I pretend we are Cal and Cathie again, the immature girl in love with her stepbrother, who also doubles as her music teacher.
“You’re going to break my heart,” Calum says into my neck. “I can feel it, Superstar.”
He’s not wrong. But it’s because of other reasons. “Calum…”
“I’m so exhausted, Cathie. I don’t want to be apart from you anymore. I want to be happy.”
“Happiness is underestimated,” I murmur into his chest. Calum chuckles. I pull away from the hug first. He has these ideas that the younger me might have appreciated, but at this point, I’m more focused on being a better version of myself. If I don’t heal, I’ll not be able to love anyone properly, even Mace. And I have so much love to give. “It’s not achievable, Calum.”
“Wrong, Catherine. It’s achievable, just not a permanent feeling,” he says. I place both hands on my waist, and he laughs softly. His laughter hasn’t changed so much. It only grew richer. He clears his throat. “I think only babies can attain perfect happiness. What do you think?”
“I think you’re nervous,” I reply. He lets out a forced laugh and brings my other hand to his chest. I feel his heartbeat, the uneven rhythm. I feel him. “What is the problem, Calum?”
His forehead touches mine. “I know you have something to say. I’m scared to hear it.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“Can I kiss you?” he begs. I tug my hands from under his. The thing is, I also want to kiss him. But I shouldn’t want that. It will complicate things. “Catherine, can I please kiss you?”
“Cal…”
That’s all I get to say before his lips press to mine. It’s the softest of kisses, a teaser with both of us testing to know what the other person will allow. He palms my face and strokes my cheek, and an unexpected moan escapes me. It has been too long since I felt this way. Whole. Wanted. He takes that cue to deepen the kiss. I open up, and his tongue dives in. It’s the softest he has ever kissed me. It’s a confession of his feelings, and I reciprocate without words.
“Superstar,” he whispers into my lips.
I hum in reply, breaking off the kiss to catch my breath. His hands lower until our fingers lace. Heat crawls to my neck and spreads to my cheeks. I’m warm under his fiery gaze.
“My superstar,” he whispers. My body reacts in new ways to a name I’ve heard countless times. Goosebumps scatter across my arms, my nipples harden, and the skin between my legs thrums. “I love you, Catherine Jenkins.”
That breaks the spell. I step back, releasing his hand. My fingers reach up to my lips, which are still warm from his kiss. This isn’t what I said I would do. “We can’t do it again,” I blurt out.
“Cathie,” he whispers.
“It was—”
His eyes clench shut. “Please.”
“A…” I take a deep breath. I can’t lie to him or myself. “It was not a mistake. But I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind for a relationship. I cannot be all you want me to be.”
“I just want you to be you, Cathie.”
“I’m not fully okay,” I confess. He closes the gap and grabs my wrists gently like his touch can heal me. “Sometimes, I sit in my room and wonder why I get to live when my best friend is dead. And when I’m not thinking that, Cal, I’m counting the seconds until you leave us.”
“Cathie, I’m not leaving.”
“I know. But my mind sometimes tricks me into thinking you will, and I believe it.”
“Okay,” he says. His knuckles brush the wet spots on my cheeks. I cry a lot these days.
“Okay what?”
“No relationship,” he says. His thumbs move up and down my cheeks. I wrap an arm around his waist. He deserves the best version of me. “Let’s just be Calum, no, Cal and Cathie.”
“Yeah? I think I can do that.”
“You deserve to be here, Catherine Jenkins.” I nod, and he hugs me closer. “I love you.”