45. Tired of hurting
CHAPTER 45
Tired of hurting
The bed is empty when I wake up. Calum’s side of the bed is warm, but Mace is in his crib. I pout, and his hand lifts in a wave. He hasn’t started making coherent sentences, but I know it will happen soon. His tiny hands circle his ankles. He blinks up at me and gurgles. So cute.
“Ma,” he sneezes out. Did… did he… He burrows his head into his bed. “Ma-ma.”
A sound dies in my throat, and I place a hand over my mouth. I was told my baby’s speech might be delayed because he was born a preemie, but nothing, not even the mumble-jumble I was accustomed to hearing, prepares me for this moment. Excitement seeps into my veins.
Grabbing both sides of his crib, I whisper, “Mace.” He smiles and pushes his foot into his mouth. I giggle, extracting his toe. His lips pucker. “Let’s try again, yeah? Let’s say mama.”
He smiles. I hold my breath, and it rushes out when he murmurs, “Mama.”
A tear drops from my eyes, then another and another cascades to his crib, until they coat his feet. He stares at me with childlike wonder and confusion. I wrap my arms around my waist, swaying and fighting the urge to carry him. I may drop him if I do. He spoke. Macey spoke.
“Macey.” My body thrums with nerves and bliss. I sniff and wipe my nose with the back of my palm. “Let’s try another. Papa.” I lift him up, and he fists my hair. Pain shoots through my scalp, but the intensity of my smile doesn’t diminish. “Not my hair, Macey. Say papa.”
His fingertips brush the tears on my cheeks.
“Mama is happy,” I tell him. “Ha-ppy. Are you going to say papa? Let’s go tell Papa.”
I don’t wait to confirm if he’s onboard with my plans. I rush out of the room and stop when I hear voices. Two familiar voices. It’s too late for me to retrace my steps, so I stand still while my mind works at full speed. Dani sits on the couch across Calum, her face pinched with hurt.
She notices me first and colour drains from her face. Calum follows her gaze and his frown vanishes. I wave out of nervousness. I doubt he had time to tell her about Mace. He stalks towards me and leans in for a kiss to my cheek and lips. I bring his head down for another kiss, but Mace slaps the back of his palm over my lips. Calum laughs. Grabbing Mace’s wrist, he kisses me smack on the lips and does the same for Mace before he thinks to protest.
“You’re an idiot, Cal,” I whisper, laughing.
“I love you too,” he replies.
Someone clears their throat. Dani. Calum’s frown returns to his lips. I tug on his top, a warning in my eyes. He sighs and steps to the side to give his mother a glimpse of us.
“Is that… is that?” Dani trails off.
Calum drapes an arm around my shoulders to stop me from going to her. We will have to talk. He has every right to be mad at her, as do I, but I don’t want his emotions to impede Mace’s relationship with his grandparents. Our baby deserves everything. And I’m tired of holding grudges. While I was holding onto the hate and hurt, Dani was living her best life, unaware what she had done. In the end, I was the only one hurting. And I’m tired of hurting.
“Mace,” I say. I try to shrug Calum’s arms off my shoulders. He delays for a second or two but lets me go, and I question my decision. This is about Mace, not us. I hold Mace’s hand up in a wave. He gawks at his grandma, unsure how to react. “Macey, say hello to grandma.”
“Ello,” he says with a little wave.
Calum’s mouth drops open. I gasp. We turn to our son. “Say it again, Macey,” I mutter.
“Er-lo.”
“He said hello. Mace said hello,” I scream at Calum, hitting his chest with my free hand.
Calum laughs. “I know, Superstar, I’m right here.” Bringing my hand over his chest where his heart beats furiously, he kisses Mace’s nose. Every other thing fades. “Hello, Macey.”
His lips part, and he repeats the word twice. My arms wobble. Collecting Mace from me, Calum holds him, his chest to our son’s back. My eyes gleam with unshed tears and my heart threatens to explode. I pinch Mace’s cheek, my bundle of joy, and he offers me a big smile.
“Say mama,” Calum mutters. “Say mummy.”
“No. Let him say papa or daddy,” I cut in. My words bring a beautiful smile to Calum’s face. There’s a spring in my step. I bounce on the same spot. Mace bobs his head. “Go on, Macey.”
“Papa,” Mace spits out. He pouts, and I kiss his chubby cheek. Calum sniffs, and a tear rolls to his cheek. I save the moment. Words will never be enough to describe the fullness in my heart at hearing my son’s first word. It’s even better when his first word is mama. If I ever doubted my skills, this reinforces it. I’m not a bad mother, not even one bit. “Papa. Mama.”
“Papa Mama loves you,” I tell him.
Mace claps. A cough from behind has my head rounding up to face the intruder of this private moment. Dani winces. Her eyes speak volume, but her lips haven’t moved. I sense Calum’s annoyance before I look back. My silent plea has zero effects. His frown doesn’t lessen up.
Awkwardness settles in fast.
“Is he… can I… do you have a nanny?” Dani says. She sounds flustered. My heart aches for her.
If I can forgive Dad, then I can also forgive her. Their sins are not comparable and Dad has more than paid for it. If I’ll apportion blame, I must remember Dad’s role in it. He started it.
Dani ignores Calum’s scowl and steps forward. She’s so close I see the many lines around the corners of her eyes. Does she regret it? What was she thinking? How far will I go to protect my son?
“I could nanny,” she offers, looking at me. Maybe it’s because I’m also a mother and guilty of doing stupid things in the name of protecting my son. “I could babysit him at no costs.”
“If you sit, I’ll bring him to you,” I mutter.
Dani rushes to the couch like a little kid. I turn to Calum, who hugs Mace to his chest like I’m the intruder. “Please,” I mutter. He shuts his eyes as my hands drop to his arms. “Baby. Cal.”
“Cathie,” he warns.
“Please.”
He sighs. I extract his son from him and stroll to Dani. Mace struggles a bit on her lap but calms when she hums. He stares at her, like he would do with the characters in an animation. When he touches her jaw and tries to pry her mouth open, I know he is fine with his grandma.
A tear drops to Dani’s lap. She dabs her cheek with a knuckle and whispers, “Thank you.”
“I’ll be right back. I need to talk to Calum.”
“Take your time,” she murmurs.
Calum is standing where I left him with a bigger scowl. I grab him by his wrist. Once we are inside the room, his back pinned to the door, I capture his lips with mine. He groans into the kiss but responds. My hands lower to his waistband, and I tug it down to free his penis.
He tries to stop me, but I’m a woman on a mission.
“Cathie,” he says into my neck. “This is… unfair.”
As unfair as the trick he used to get a reply about the tour from me. I cup him, one hand massaging his balls while the other tries to stroke him into a full erection. This makes us even.
I tilt my head back to ask, “Do you want me to stop, Cal?” I let go of him completely. His scowl of annoyance morphs into one of frustration. “I could stop, you know, Mr Rockstar?”
He grabs my hands and closes them around his cock. I hide a smile. “Of course not. Don’t.” He slips his hands into my night shorts and cups my arse. Our movements stall. “I’m upset.”
“Baby, I know.”
Dropping to my knees, I drag his shorts down his ankles. A shudder bounces through me as I come face to face with his dick. I lick my lip, then lick the underside of his cock. Calum grunts. I flutter my lashes, looking up at him with as much love as I can muster.
“Cathie,” he moans. “Superstar.”
My mouth closes around the crown. He groans and fists my hair. I open my mouth to suck in air and he shoves the entirety of his cock down my throat. It takes seconds to adjust to the thick intrusion. I flatten my palms on his stomach, and he pumps into my mouth in short, fast strokes. His hand in my hair restricts my movement, and his speed slows as he nears his peak.
The first taste of his cum hits my tongue, and he tries to withdraw. I shake my head. Using a hand to guide his cock into the suction of my mouth, I suck him off, sending his load down my throat. He pulls me up, and my legs encircle his waist. There’s a glint in his eyes.
A glint that I hope means he’s less angry. “Are you still upset?” I ask.
Calum laughs. “Not so much.”
Lowering himself to the bed, Calum pulls my shorts down my arse but retains the top. I sit on his lap, but he pushes me up to straddle him. My knees bracket his hips, and he teases my entrance. My lower lips spread open, creating a delicious friction with his hardening cock.
Arms going around his neck, I lift myself up to allow his dick to slide inside, and he moans. I rest my forehead on his shoulder until my thoughts grow clearer. “I don’t want us to spend so much time on hating instead of loving,” I whisper. It might have taken the sessions with Ebun for me to see things differently. Now that I do, I want to move forward. “What if she dies?”
What if my fight with Amelia lasted longer than it should have? Then I would have had to live with the permanent reminder that I spent the few moments I had with her fighting instead of making more memories. Calum tugs on the hem of my top. I remove it, and he sucks a nipple into his mouth. I grind on his crotch, thrusting my hips forward to take in his length.
He releases a nipple to suck on the other. I quicken my pace, but his hands lower to my waist to slow me. “I understand. But why aren’t you mad at her? You didn’t even shout at her.”
My movements stop, but he spreads my cheeks and thrusts into me. A gasp escapes me.
“It doesn’t mean I’m not upset.” I pause to catch my breath and keep up with his rhythm. My brain races to catch up with my thoughts, but I don’t stop bouncing on his dick. Our harsh pants break the silence. Our sweat mixes and rolls down our bodies. “I am, Cal. I was .”
Bracing my hands on either side of his head, I continue, “Sometimes, I have this wave of unexplainable anger from everything that has happened. I also get angry, but I don’t want it to rule our lives anymore. Besides, I did something silly, too. I didn’t tell you about Mace because I thought I was protecting him and myself. And you forgave me.”
Tears mist Calum’s eyes. We slow down to the point I’m doing all the work. I palm his face to kiss him properly, making sure he knows I belong completely to him.
“You don’t have to forgive her immediately. Just make it a duty to be less mad at her each day,” I tell him. It sounds like something Ebun would have told me. Calum’s arms tighten around me. He erupts inside me, coating my walls with his seed. His climax leads to mine. Before my thoughts muddle up, I ask, “Can you do that for me?”