Chapter 11
Ihad fallen in love with Alexander Paxton-Hill.
Joy and elation should have filled my heart at the knowledge, but pain and disappointment overwhelmed me. I couldn’t have Alec, even if he wanted me in return. I had made a promise to Aunt Maude, and I needed to see it through. She had even asked me to play matchmaker between Alec and Annabelle.
Yet how could I hide my feelings from him?
I caught a glimpse of a small army of maids and footmen who had gathered at the entrance to the ballroom with brooms, mops, buckets, and rags.
My cheeks grew warm at being caught dancing without music and I slowed my steps.
I could have danced with him all night.
Alec glanced at the doorway and gently brought our waltz to an end.
He smiled at the staff and then offered me his arm. “I’ll escort you to your room.”
We walked out of the ballroom and into the foyer as the staff entered to begin the arduous task of cleaning up after the party.
Neither one of us spoke as he led me toward the stairs.
“I don’t want to go to sleep, yet,” I said to him as we came to a stop.
“Aren’t you tired?”
I had been tired—exhausted. But seeing him and dancing with him had given me a burst of energy I couldn’t explain. I shook my head.
He smiled at me. “What would you like to do?”
I’d grown bold over the past two months as Aunt Maude had taught me the art of authority—within reason. “Why didn’t you write to me?”
Alec let out a sigh and took a step back, causing me to loosen my hold on his arm.
I frowned, confused by his behavior now and over the past two months. “I thought we were friends, Alec.”
“We are friends, Kiera.”
It felt good to hear my name again.
“But, perhaps,” he said, “the foyer isn’t the place for this conversation.”
“Then come with me to the library.” I put my hand on his arm and tugged him gently.
We walked through the shadowed hall to the library, the train of my cream and gold skirt trailing behind me. When he opened the door, there was enough light outside to see that it was snowing. The coals from a fire in the hearth the night before were still warm, offering a soft glow in the room.
I entered and he followed. He paused a moment before shutting the door.
When he turned back to me, the tension that had coiled during our kiss under the mistletoe had returned and it tightened in my belly. I crossed my arms and rubbed my gloved hands over my bare skin, suddenly feeling cold.
He went to the fireplace and stirred the coals before adding a few more logs to the fire.
“Why didn’t you write to me?” I asked, my voice lower.
Alec slowly rose from the hearth, but he did not turn around to look at me. “I think you know the answer, Keira.”
Shaking my head, I took a step closer to him. “I don’t.”
He put his hand on the mantel, as if to steady himself.
“I missed you,” I whispered, taking another step closer, wanting to be near him.
Finally, he turned, and his blue eyes were filled with longing. “How can you not know I’m in love with you?”
My lips parted as the truth settled into my aching heart. I swallowed as my chest rose and fell on short breaths. “Alec—”
The door to the library opened and a scullery maid appeared, an ash bucket in her hands. Her eyes grew wide. “Pardon me,” she said as she took a step back and closed the door.
Alec went to the door and opened it again. “We’re just leaving,” he told the girl. “Come and do your task.”
She looked as uncertain as I felt.
“We cannot have the staff gossiping,” Alec said in a low tone as he rejoined me by the fireplace and offered me his arm.
We passed the maid as we left the room and walked slowly down the hallway.
“Alec,” I said again, trying to wrap my mind around what he'd said. I had hoped—almost believed it to be true—but to hear it on his lips was overwhelming.
“Please don’t,” he told me, stopping near a darkened alcove. The months apart had been a strain on him, causing lines to crease around his eyes. “Nothing can come of my feelings. I should not have spoken.”
My lips parted as a thousand wishes poured from my heart, begging to be spoken. I wanted to tell him I loved him, too, yet the words stuck in my throat.
“I have only returned for a short visit,” he said, looking down at his hands.
“I am needed back in Newport as soon as possible. I told Aunt Maude I wouldn’t be here for your party—” He paused and finally lifted his gaze to my face.
“But I have something very urgent I need to discuss with her and at the last minute, I tried to get here in time for your ball. But I was delayed.” He let out a breath.
“You should go to bed, Keira. I’m certain you’ll have callers here in a few hours, perhaps even an invitation to Alva Vanderbilt’s ball, and you need some sleep. ”
I swallowed and glanced toward the library. “But what about—”
“There is nothing else to talk about. I was a fool to say something.” Sadness deepened the lines around his eyes as he offered me his arm again. “Come. I will take you to your room and then I will go freshen up to speak to Aunt Maude as soon as she’s awake.”
I wanted to beg him to speak to me of love, but he was right. He could not act upon his feelings and neither could I. It would be foolish for me to tell him I was in love with him, and the weight of that knowledge crushed me.
Taking his arm, I allowed him to walk me up the stairs and lead me to my room.
Before I opened the door, I turned to him again, my mouth open to speak, but he bowed and said, “Good night, Keira.”
And then he walked away.
Gallagher arrived in my room at eleven that morning to wake me up and start my toilette. I had slept so little after returning to my room, I felt groggy and irritable as she opened the shutters and stoked the fire.
“Your aunt has told me to not let you sleep past eleven,” she said. “She’s expecting several gentlemen callers here after luncheon.”
Despite their name, morning calls were not usually made until one or two in the afternoon. It was another thing that had baffled and confused me.
I wanted to groan and protest the social obligations, but that would only force Aunt Maude to come into my room and demand my compliance.
I didn’t want to upset her or give her reason to regret adopting me.
The alternative to living here and obeying her wishes was a life I didn’t want to think about.
Sometimes, when I allowed myself to think about my life in Five Points, my back ached as it once had from stitching piecework all night, and I could almost feel the prick of the needle in my fingers.
“Is Mr. Paxton-Hill still at home?” I asked, sitting up, not sure whether I wanted her to say yes or no.
Seeing Alec after the ball and finally acknowledging to myself that I was in love with him, and hearing he loved me, had left me feeling unmoored.
“Aye,” she said. “He’s speaking to your aunt now.”
“Will he join us for lunch?”
“I couldn’t say, miss.” She had brought one of the pink day dresses into the room with her. It was beautiful, with layers of delicate silk, ivory-colored lace, and pearl buttons.
Did I want to see Alec before he returned to Newport?
In the four months I’d been in Aunt Maude’s home, I’d only spent a few weeks in his company, but his impact on my life and my heart had been enormous.
Perhaps it would be best if I didn’t see him again.
I’d known from the first day that my course was set for England and I couldn’t let my heart get entangled with his.
Yet I wanted to weep at the thought of not being with him again.
With resolve, I decided the best thing to do was focus on getting to Europe, meeting a duke or prince, and finding my mother. Those were things I could control.
By noon, I was bedecked in the beautiful pink gown and Gallagher had styled my hair in an updo that was elegant, yet simple. I wore pearl earrings to match the buttons and, despite the pit in my stomach, my cheeks displayed a delicate pink shine.
As I stepped out of my room, I had decided I didn’t want to see Alec again. It would be easier to push him out of my mind and heart if I wasn’t forced to converse with him or have his handsome, blue-eyed gaze on my every move.
“Clara?” I turned toward Aunt Maude’s room, where the door was open and Alec was standing. “Aunt Maude would like to see you.”
My pulse picked up its rhythm and excitement filled my midsection at seeing him again, despite the resolution I’d just made. Frustration and anger at myself soon followed. I couldn’t let Alec affect me this way.
His face was serious as he stepped aside to allow me to enter her sitting room.
I forced myself to walk past him without looking in his direction. Every time I thought about his declaration in the library, I wanted to either throw myself into his arms, or pretend I’d never met him.
Aunt Maude sat on one of the chairs by her fireplace, her elbow on the armrest as she stared into the fire.
“Good afternoon,” I said to her. “I hope you slept well after last night’s success.”
She didn’t greet me with her usual calm, and the lines of her face were hard and unreadable as she turned away from the fire.
I paused. “Is something wrong?”
“Sit down, Clara,” Aunt Maude said. “We have something we need to discuss with you.”
My legs began to shake at the severity of her voice.
I slowly lowered myself into the chair across from her as Alec joined us.
“Alec asked me not to discuss this with you,” she said, “but as my legal daughter, I believe you should be privy to the same financial information that Alec and I know.”
Frowning, I glanced at Alec and found him watching me.
“It seems we’re in a very dire situation,” Aunt Maude continued. “Alec has been in Newport overseeing the major renovations on the Ocean House, the most prestigious hotel we own.”