Chapter 3 #2
First, it was praise from Miss Lydia, now from Miss Mary. Surprised, Darcy noted that he preferred the unpractised compliments of the Bennet sisters—so different from the feigned praise and affected manners of women he had been pushed towards since he had reached his majority.
“I suppose I read more quickly than some, Miss Mary. On the other hand, I enjoy reading more than almost anything, as I believe your father does. We perhaps cannot claim great virtue for so often indulging our desire to read.”
Miss Mary nodded. “I enjoy playing the pianoforte more than anything else, but I have been trying to balance my activities. I do not love to walk, like Lizzy does, but I make myself say yes to her once per day, every fine day, because I know that exercising one’s body is as important as exercising one’s mind. ”
“Quite right,” Darcy said. “I enjoy fencing and riding almost as much as reading, and like you, I try to exercise my body at least once per day.”
“Lizzy told me that one thing she admires about you is that you seem to work hard on estate matters.”
Darcy wondered how Elizabeth knew such, and he smiled again as he considered with pleasure the idea that Elizabeth had admired anything at all about the curmudgeon he had portrayed, not to mention the fact that she had apparently talked about him to her sister.
So caught up in the pleasure of these thoughts, he almost did not register Miss Mary’s next words:
“I imagine that estate work likely takes away time from reading, fencing, and riding. How do you keep your equilibrium?”
Darcy wondered that he had once dismissed Miss Mary so readily.
How had he decided that she was prosy and narrow-minded?
He smiled at her—and worried that he had discomposed her, since she blushed and lowered her eyes and then smiled down at his boots—and he responded, “Balance is a wonderful goal, and I am not positive that I have come close to achieving it. To be honest, one thing I have neglected terribly is sleep. Because I have not been sleeping well since June, I have found it possible to ride early in the morning, work hard on estate matters during the day, and read deep into the night.”
Miss Mary said, “I see.”
Darcy’s eyes flew to Elizabeth as she came through the doorway just then. Something seemed to pass between them—some connexion. He shot to his feet and stepped away from the chair, silently inviting her to resume it.
But she said, “Mr Darcy, I would love to show you a prettyish little wilderness behind our gardens.” Turning to each sister as she addressed them, she went on, “Mary, Jane, Mr Bingley, would you like to walk as well?”
Everyone agreed, and the move to bundle up against the day’s cold temperature took a few minutes. Soon Darcy was striding through Longbourn’s gardens alongside Elizabeth and Miss Mary. Behind them trailed Bingley and Miss Bennet.
“I was happy to see you two in discussion just now,” Elizabeth said.
“Mr Darcy was telling me how he tries to find balance in his life,” Miss Mary said.
“If you will recall, Miss Mary, I expressed regret that I have not achieved as much balance as I would wish.”
Elizabeth laughed, and as he always did, Darcy cherished the melodious sound. Her laugh was one of the first things he had noticed about her, one thing that he had immediately come to love.
She said, “Balance is indeed a wonderful goal but also difficult to achieve.”
Miss Mary said, “That is exactly what Mr Darcy said!”
Laughing again, Miss Elizabeth said, “I believe, sir, that you have the benefit of riding over your estate and visiting tenants, thus combining beneficial exercise with your work.”
Darcy cocked his head as he considered her words. “I believe that you are right, but I hesitate to explain that I do not consider that riding. When I ride for exercise, my mount and I travel at speed, and I could not possibly examine fences or check drainage.”
Elizabeth smiled up at him, and Miss Mary said, “But even at slower speeds, at least you are not sitting in one spot, indoors. Needing to ride your estate must still feed your need for movement and for nature.”
“I believe you are correct,” Darcy said.
Soon Miss Mary told her sister, “I must consult with Jane about Mama’s dinner order, so I will leave you for now.” She turned and walked towards the slowly strolling couple.
Darcy’s estimation of Miss Mary rose even higher. He smiled as he offered his arm to Elizabeth and said, “Lead me to this wilderness you spoke of.”
It seemed ridiculous that, despite the disparity in their heights, Darcy and Elizabeth could easily walk at the same brisk pace. After several seconds of consideration of what he should say, Darcy asked, “Your father spoke to you of my intentions?”
“Yes. I was… taken unaware, sir.”
“You have not seen me gazing at you longingly?”
“You did not always frown at me,” Elizabeth said, “but even your more neutral expressions seemed, to me, to express at least a bit of disapproval. But perhaps I misunderstood. Perhaps I have always seen your attitude towards me coloured by your insulting words at the assembly where we first met.”
Darcy stopped walking. “Insulting words?”
“Yes! Did you not mean for them to be insults? ‘She is tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me’—you surely meant to be dismissive.”
Darcy felt shocked down to his toes. “That was you Bingley was offering to introduce? I thought he was indicating another lady altogether—and I did not know that you could hear me—and—” He shook his head, aware of the larger point.
“I should never have said the words about any young lady, much less in a public place, where I could be overheard by anyone. I apologise, but I insist that, even if you cannot forgive me for such a breach of manners, I beg that you understand that I never formed those words about you.”
Elizabeth stared into his eyes and finally said, “I do forgive you. I know, from what you have told me this morning, that whatever befell your sister this summer caused you to frown and scowl and, I imagine, misrepresent yourself to all of us. Today, you have smiled and laughed, and before this day, in the three weeks since I met you, I have never seen you do either. Is it impertinent to ask what has caused this change in your behaviour?”
Feeling as if he could not think well enough to speak, if he continued to look into Miss Elizabeth’s dancing eyes, Darcy offered his arm again and resumed walking.
“First, I want to say that I do not think such a question is impertinent. Second, I happen to very much enjoy your impertinence when you indulge in it. Third, to answer your actual question: this morning, I woke up feeling terrible that I was so far away from my sister on my birthday. But then I began thinking how I was still immersed in sorrow, and anxiety, and guilt for and about my sister… and I realised I had just been wallowing in all those negative feelings.”
He shook his head, unwilling to allow explanations to become excuses. “Somehow, the awareness that I was now seven and twenty made me decide that I must do better.”
Elizabeth smiled, and Darcy felt stirred, shaken, agitated, and… happy.
She said, “I was certain you were going to say something about noting that life is fragile, and too often short—too short for relationships that diminish us. Or that you were so joyful in helping to save a life, to restore life, you realised that you can do anything.”
Darcy chuckled. “Before I even rose from my bed, this morning, I had decided that the day’s mandate was that I frown less, smile more, and behave better, forever.”
“I see,” Elizabeth said. “So you are saying that, as soon as you realised it was your birthday, you set out to give all around you a wonderful birthday gift.”
He laughed. “You make me sound ridiculous.”
“I had not the smallest intention of doing so.”
“Miss Elizabeth, as to my desire to court you, I have to admit that I was not entirely sure of this decision until the life-and-death situation we found ourselves in today.”
“And how did Betty’s predicament figure in your decision, sir?”
“When I heard you cry out for help, I went into an almost automatic response. I was not, at first, feeling anxious or upset. I was entirely focused on finding and helping whoever had called out. When I heard another cry, and recognised your voice, however, I felt terror, and most of what I felt was terror for you—I was terrified that you might lose the chance to grow and travel and bear children and live a long and fulfilling life—but I have to admit the unlovely thought that some of what I felt was terror for me—I was so upset with the idea that I might have to live in the world in which you no longer existed.”
“Oh!”
“I had long realised that I found you the most handsome woman of my acquaintance, and I had long known that I found your intellect and character as equally perfect as your person, but until that moment when I recognised your danger, I had not realised that you had become crucially important, one might even say imperative, to me. But—” He raised one hand, shut his eyes briefly, and said, “I never want you to feel compelled to do anything in particular, to say anything, agree to anything, that you do not wish to say or do. The words I utter are true for me, but they must not importune you. And of course, you must not allow any notion of gratitude to sway your feelings.”
Elizabeth asked, “What about your birthday? Should I allow the fact that it is your birthday influence how I respond to your words?”
“Certainly not!” He ducked his head to see her expression despite her bonnet. “Thank goodness, I see that you are teasing.”
“Mr Darcy—”
“You do not have to decide anything right away. You said you were surprised by my intentions. Perhaps you should allow time to get used to the idea. Wait a week or more, now that you know of my regard, and see if I can prove to you that I am not the man who scowled his way through every drawing room in the community…”
Elizabeth’s laughter rang out, so bright and happy a sound, it silenced Darcy’s rather disjointed rigmarole.
“Mr Darcy, please give me the courtesy of listening to what I wish to say.” Her chiding words were lightened by her delightful smile.
“What I wished to say, sir, was that I am happy to finally meet the real you. I could not consent to courting at this time, but I would be glad to say yes to your calling on me. I would like to know more of you, and I must say that most of what I already know of you is admirable, despite your insistent self-deprecation.”
Darcy stopped again, turning to her with a smile that felt too enormous. “Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. I treasure the opportunity to let you know me better.”
The walk proceeded in a delightful manner and, upon their return to Longbourn, Darcy and Bingley were invited to extend their too-early visit to tea, and then again to dinner.
Mrs Bennet was beside herself with the opportunity to provide a birthday cake to a man with “ten thousand a year.” Darcy could not help cringing, but Elizabeth whispered, “Mama is utterly mortifying, but if you think about her actions, you might see that she means well, not just for us daughters, but also for every guest who walks through the door.”
And Darcy discovered that, as usual, Elizabeth was correct. He deliberately smiled more at Mrs Bennet and noticed that his better acceptance of her seemed to soothe her into fewer effusions.
That afternoon, Miss Kitty and Miss Lydia managed to raise his appreciation of the Bennets a bit more as he realised that their girlish enthusiasm was more appealing that the cultivated ennui of so many ladies; their unguarded smiles and laughter, once he became accustomed to the noise level, were more attractive that the self-satisfied smirks and contrived titters of most ladies of his acquaintance.
Of course, the best part of his birthday was the fact that he enjoyed many delightful conversations with Elizabeth, often in the company of Miss Mary or Miss Bennet and Bingley.
Elizabeth challenged him to a chess match, and although he won, he had to put every effort into doing so.
They took a second walk just before dinner, this time with just Miss Bennet and Bingley.
They spoke of many things. He was amazed to find himself telling Elizabeth every particular of the near-elopement debacle.
After dinner, Elizabeth walked him to the front door and stood by as he donned his greatcoat and hat. She said, “I see this coat, this hat, and I think of this morning, and how we saved a little girl together.”
Darcy raised her hand to his lips for a lingering kiss. “I have never had a more momentous birthday. And I hope that, all the years of my life, I will look back on this opportunity to call on you as the best birthday present I have ever received.”
He watched as another lovely blush climbed Elizabeth’s cheeks. She smiled warmly. “Well, I do hope your birthday night is as restful and pleasant as you deserve.”
“It likely will be. I have not yet told you the story of the harpy eagle’s rare nocturnal hunt. However, I have behaved like many an intelligent prey, and I have gone to ground in a new, unknown burrow.”
“By which you mean that you moved rooms, and your hostess does not know of it?”
“Exactly.”
The two smiled at each other. Darcy could not leave without another kiss bestowed on Elizabeth’s hand.
“Goodnight, my dearest,” he said.
“Goodnight, and happy birthday.”