15. Charlotte
When Charlotte left her room, there was no white bear waiting in the corridor, and her heart contracted almost as painfully as it had the day before. On trembling legs, she ran to the library, but when she pushed open the door, he was waiting there, one of his unnaturally human smiles on his face.
“It feels an age since we were here together, Lottie,” he said, “instead of just a day. I hope your throat is feeling better for the rest. It must be tiring to read aloud so much.”
She blinked away tears, trying to find the words to reassure him that she didn’t mind the reading. But all she could focus on was the way her heart leaped and fluttered in her chest when he called her Lottie—the name that belonged only to him.
She had once responded warmly to her father’s affectionate nickname for her, but that had been a feeling of familiarity and the comfort of family. For weeks she had told herself she felt similarly for Henry, but now she had accepted the truth. When he spoke her name, it was an entirely different type of warmth that she felt—all fast heartbeats and a flush that made her turn her face away in case he saw the red in her cheeks.
He was in his bear form now, but all she could think about was the way it had felt to have his arms around her, and she longed for darkness to arrive so he could hold her again. But would he do so?
He had responded to her pain with comfort—something she could see he had done from the beginning. She would be foolish to read more into it than that. And she didn’t want to compel his affection through pity.
One thing was clear—if just hearing him speak her name could overset her so badly, she hadn’t yet gained the equanimity she needed before raising the topic of his past and what it meant for their future together.
“You’re still unhappy,” he said softly, making her startle.
“How could I be?” she asked. “You give me everything I ask for.” It was a non-answer, and they both knew it.
“My godmother object provides any physical item you desire,” he said, “but can possessions make a person happy? It has never seemed so to me. The bell cannot provide you with friends or family. You are lonely.”
He had seen her grief the night before after a day alone in the castle and come to the wrong conclusion, but she didn’t deny the charge. He was right in one way—just not in the way he thought. She did feel an aching loneliness, but not for the lack of family and friends. It was a different relationship with him that she longed for. She was lonely for his love.
“It’s my fault,” he continued. “I brought you here and have kept you day after day in the library with nothing to do but read. It’s not the life you thought I was offering when I proposed. The Palace of Light must be nothing like this castle.”
She remembered with an effort that she had once thought her marriage would take her to the fabled home of the High King. It felt like a long time since her dreams had changed.
“I know you can’t take me there,” she said, needing to say something. “I don’t hold it against you.”
“No, I can’t take you there.” He sounded defeated and sad, and she wondered with horror if he’d lain awake the night before trying to think how to fix her sadness. “But that doesn’t mean you can never leave here,” he concluded.
Shocked, Charlotte stared at him, frozen in place. “L…Leave?” she asked, horrified. Was he sending her away?
“Certainly.” He sounded even sadder, as if he had mistaken her horror for shocked delight. “Not permanently, of course. I need you yet a little longer. But I can see no reason why you couldn’t visit your family for a short while.” He managed a smile although it looked strained. “I understand it’s a common practice for new wives.”
Her heart slowed, no longer feeling as if it would beat out of her chest. He wasn’t sending her away forever. But she couldn’t be entirely easy either. He had said he needed her only a little longer. Was the time she could stay by his side already drawing to a close?
“I…I don’t know,” she said, her mouth dry and her thoughts tangled. “I…I should think on it.”
“You don’t need to feel bad about going,” he said gently. “It need only extend our situation by a few days, and there’s nothing in that.”
A few days? She tried to make sense of his words. He spoke as if he needed her for a specific length of time. So if she left, she wouldn’t be losing any time with him.
Her first reaction had been to reject his suggestion, fearing what might be behind it. But now that he’d explained more fully, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. She desperately needed to sort out her emotional turmoil so she could have a frank conversation with him. Wouldn’t it be easier to calm the raging storm inside her if she could have some space from him?
“Yes,” she gasped, meeting his concerned eyes. “Yes, please. I would like to go to my family.”
He nodded slowly.
“Can we leave immediately?” she asked.
“Leave now? This morning?” He came closer, his expression growing even more concerned.
At the hint of pain in his eyes she nearly crumpled and said she wouldn’t go. But she couldn’t weaken. She had to leave. She couldn’t stay near him while there was such a weight between them, but neither was she ready for the necessary conversation. This was the best option open to her. She would leave him briefly and when she returned, she would be honest with him, even if she still didn’t feel ready.
“If it’s possible,” she said. “Will you take me?” She suddenly remembered they had to be in Arcadia already. “Or can the bell send me to them?”
“I will carry you to them,” he said. “And we can leave as soon as you’re ready.”
“I’m ready now. There’s nothing I need to take. If my family has disposed of the things I left behind, I can easily borrow items from my sisters.”
He hesitated still, but after another glance at her troubled expression, he nodded. “Very well. Let us leave.”