Chapter Thirty #2
Her own heart sped, her breath coming fast and short. She could sense that they stood on a precipice, side by side. It would take only a word to blow them both over together.
His eyes flitted over her face, drawn to her lips and up to her eyes, as if cataloguing every angle of her face in the dim lantern light. “I…” She could do nothing but hold her breath as he paused and traced the curve of her chin with a long index finger. “I would very much like to take you home.”
The teasing glint in his eye had returned, but suddenly, somehow, he seemed farther away, as if he had drawn away from her even though their noses were only a carriage jolt away from touching.
Charlotte felt foolish for the devastating way her stomach dropped—she had fallen off the precipice alone.
“I would very much like you to take me home, Benjamin.” To her relief, the catch in her voice sounded almost husky with passion. He would not guess she was swallowing back her tears.
∞∞∞
He was going to marry this woman.
The revelation set his soul on fire. Seeing her laid out on his bed in the underused chambers of his townhouse—their house, if she wanted to live there—everything was right. The nagging sensation that she belonged there, with him, wherever he was, was finally laid to rest.
He crawled up the bed beside her, both of them completely bare in the firelight. Her skin was warm and inviting as he pulled her to him, greedy just to hold her.
“Hello, there.” Charlotte’s voice was soft and heavy—as if she knew the magnitude of what lay between them.
“Hello, my love,” Benjamin whispered back, placing careful, reverent kisses on her cheeks, then her temples, the curve of her chin, and her delicate eyelids. When he pulled away again, her eyes opened, and he was caught in their swirling depths.
For a moment, they regarded each other, so much hanging between them that Benjamin did not dare break the silence.
Instead, he traced the faint arch of her eyebrows—how he loved the expressive feature.
He could tell exactly what was going on in her busy mind by the set of those brows.
Now, they were relaxed; her face a serene pool, full of depth but content to absorb the surrounding light.
Benjamin smiled when she brought her own hand up, running a gentle caress down his cheek. He caught her fingertips in a kiss and saw her smile.
Now was the time for words to be said. He could feel it.
They were pressing up his throat, caught up in his tongue behind his teeth.
The silence begged him to speak—to tell her how he felt.
But he knew once those words—that had been simmering in his chest for weeks now—came out, it all would.
He would admit his love for her—how she made him weak in ways he never knew he could be and somehow stronger than he had ever been without her.
This love that was eclipsing his grief, making it spill over, and cleansing the putrid cave he had trapped it in.
The light such a love brought—that had grown almost blinding and had him imagining life in a way he had never even thought to consider.
Now was his chance, with her looking up at him like he could do no wrong.
But the cold, familiar fingers of shame wrapped around his throat.
He could do wrong. He had done wrong. More than wrong—he had done terrible things.
He had been a monster, even if he was starting to think he might not be anymore.
He could not tell her of his feelings—propose marriage—without first sharing the full truth.
She deserved to know. He would not wield secrets in this.
He could not have her accept on the back of his dark shadows.
Even though the mere thought that she might accept him sent tremors of raw elation through his body.
No, he could not allow himself to be carried away by hope just yet.
He had to tell her the truth. The full truth, and let the cards fall where they may.
Even if that meant she refused him. Even if that meant he would have to watch her dear face crumple with disgust. He loved her. He would do that for her.
But not now. Not when she was staring at him like that, the whole heavens in her eyes. He would not dare disturb this holy peace between them.
So instead, he kissed her.
What he could not say in words, he poured into his body. Neither of them spoke. They were beyond words as they held each other. He worshipped her with kisses and caresses, and somehow, he felt she was doing the same.
Their breaths mingled as their hearts beat as one.
She met every stroke with her own—their slow rhythm perfectly aligned with an unheard symphony.
Benjamin did not have to think. They were there together, beyond it all, suspended above themselves.
He had never been so close to another soul in his life.
And he knew there would be no separating himself from her from here on.
They were one. He could no more tell where he ended and she began than he could pull down all the stars in the sky.
It was a wondrous, whole feeling. There was no fear, only simple, pure joy.
And as they came back down to earth, and their breathing slowed, until sleep threatened to pull them under, he was sure she understood.