Chapter Twenty-Three
NALLA
I felt the coolness of the room before I recalled the happenings that led me there. The moment the memory came to me, I jolted awake, gasping and searching. Searching for what? For who? Tannor? Mother? My sisters? My brother, long dead from the womb? I wasn’t certain. I just needed something, someone. Then the sharp, raw pain ignited in my back.
As if the skin had been peeled from my bones, filleted and served for the pleasure of others. I screamed, digging my fingers into the bedding and writhing on the bed. Whatever pain erupted in me; it was surely nothing compared to what Tannor was undergoing. To what he was suffering. The thought of not being able to get to him burst another desperate yell from my mouth. I tried to breathe through my panic and pain. I had to figure out how to escape.
I was in a sparse room, tidy, devoid of any luxuries I was accustomed to. There were no silks, no carpets, no plush curtains. Just a small rectangular room with a narrow bed topped with cooled blankets that did nothing against the chill. A small candle a top a round table, the wick low as if it’d burned for many hours. Hours I’d spent sleeping instead of planning how to escape and save Tannor.
And what if Tannor was already dead? No. He couldn’t be. He must live. He had to hold on and wait for me. I’d figure out a way to save him. To save us both. There was no one in the entire world that wished to save him. He didn’t matter to anyone but me. With a grunt, I pushed myself up on my elbows, the partially healed skin tearing as I moved. I felt the warm patches of jova leaves pressed against my back; they held anti-inflammatory properties. Someone had tended to me.
I stretched out my arm and pushed myself up once more, trying to get on my feet. Trying to study the room, trying to find a weakness in the structure. Just like I’d been taught by my mother. There was a pit in my stomach which told me she wouldn’t place me somewhere vulnerable. Somewhere where I could figure a way out. She was too smart for that. She’d likely entered the room herself to inspect it, to ensure I wouldn’t find a weakness.
Pushing past the despair, I made it to my feet, breathing deeply and refusing to cry anymore. I had to focus. My pain was nothing. My pain was temporary. I’d likely already been given healing tonics that would speed up the process. I would survive. Tannor would not. Tannor was mine, branded by law, and my responsibility.
I staggered around the room, my hands pressing against the wall, studying the tall windows, memorizing the pattern of the stones, searching for a hidden entrance. A way in and out not seen by the naked eye.
Nothing. It was nothing but a square bit of space, likely used for storage for many years. The only ones who knew the way in and out were the rats. I felt an overwhelming need to yell and cry and pound my fists at the door, though I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. It would get me nothing but attention from my mother. And mother was busy destroying Tannor as I fruitlessly searched for a way out.
I pressed my ear to the door, trying to discern something. A yell. A scream. A commotion. There was nothing. Nothing but silence. The silence was the worse. The silence reminded me of death and the thought of Tannor already dead panicked me beyond anything. He would’ve died alone, with no one who cared to even witness his last moments. That thought erupted sobs from my throat, and I angrily tugged at the latch of the door, yanking with all my strength, trying to use my magic against it. But it was locked and made of silver. Our magic couldn’t penetrate silver. That’s when I realized this room was meant to hold a woman.
Mother’s castle was old, older than the war, and once it belonged to a Prince. It had belonged to a man who kept many wives. A long time ago, before the War of Power, a woman must’ve been kept here. A burning anger towards the way society functioned raged within me. We’d gone from being slaves to men, to being slaves to laws. We continued being slaves. Never to love, to cherish, to care. We were nothing but our own doom.
With one last flush of fury, I tugged at the hatch and, to my surprise; it sprang open. I stumbled back, nearly falling on my lacerated back.
It was my darling sister Valle, full and pregnant, with hair loose and cascading down her back. Dressed in a loose dress, she seemed like one of our goddesses, here to save me. Here to soothe me and cure me and show me a way to save Tannor.
However, her face was hard. Harder than I’d ever seen it. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me. Then she pointed to the bed with a long finger.
“Why are you up and about?” She snapped. She held tonics and fresh jova leaves.
Confused, I glanced back at the bed and realized that the one who’d cured me, who’d tended to me, was Valle.
“Is he dead?” the words came out like a sob. It was the only thought I had, and I knew Valle wouldn’t deny me the truth.
Her shoulders sagged softly, and she shook her head, but her hand remained unmoved.
“Let me tend to you and I’ll tell you,” she said in an even compromise.
I glanced at the opened door, and there were five of my mother’s soldiers posted there. The chances of being able to get past them were slim to none. I was a good fighter, but not the best. I wished I were my oldest sister, Zaya. Zaya was superior to all of us in skill. I was a poor match, especially wounded as I was.
Slowly, I nodded and wobbled back to the bed, laying down with a wince. Valle sighed as she looked at my wounds, tsking softly as she did.
“You’ve reopened the wounds, they were nearly closed,” she murmured and set her tonics and materials on the small table. “I spent the night here. You had a fever and a medic, and I worked to break it.”
I had no memory of this. None. Not even in delirium.
“We gave you purple tea,” she said softly, peeling back the cloth from my back, making me gasp.
Purple tea would put anyone to sleep. Usually used during any surgeries, as it comforted the patient while the medical procedure took place. It was hard to acquire, and I wondered where she’d obtained it. Who she had to bribe and for how much.
“So, he’s not dead,” I whispered, trying to take my mind off how she worked my back.
“No. He’s a strong one, your angel,” she said and looked at me. In her eyes was a soft sort of sad understanding. “I convinced mother to let you see him one last time. To privately bid your farewells.”
Farewell. Goodbye. No. It was too much. I had no wish to bid him farewell. To know that he would die, and I would be cursed to live a life without him. To know that each day that the sun rose, he wouldn’t be there. That he would face a most gruesome death simply because he gave himself to me. Trust me. Loved me. Loved me enough to have his wings sprout.
“But you need your strength. You need to heal. He’s being held until you’re able to go to him.”
Valle gently soaked a clean rag with a pomade and dabbed it carefully over my back. The pomade was cool and soothed the sharp pain. I sighed into the bedding, feeling tears well up in my eyes.
“The Queen ordered your death,” Valle’s voice was swollen with her own pain. “But Mother interfered.”
But my hate for our mother was thick and heavy. It lapped at my throat. She’d done this to me. Gods knew what she was doing to Tannor. I couldn’t even imagine it because I would imagine the worse. Castration. Amputations. Mutilations. All sorts of horrors. For all I knew, the man I’d loved was unrecognizable under the skillful hand of my mother. Under her precise methods of pain.
He didn’t deserve any of it. He deserved nothing of the kind. If it wasn’t for me wishing to return to my room, we would be halfway around the world, seeking aid and shelter from more generous civilizations. Instead, he lingered in agony underneath this same castle.
“It took all of mother’s negotiation skills to save you,” Valle continued, turning to the tonics and offering them to me.
Angrily, I snatched one from her, gulping it down. Knowing it would help with the healing. Healing that I needed to think straight and formulate a plan. It would not be an easy feat to maneuver my beaten body out of my childhood home with a wounded Tannor. The upside was that I was in my childhood home. I knew each nook and cranny. I’d spent many hours hiding from my older sisters from whatever game they wished to levy at me.
Valle pressed new leaves into my wounds, creating a hardened cast once they molded to the pomade. I was silent as she worked, my mind thinking how long this jova seal would hold. Would it be enough for me to fight? Last summer, I’d scrapped my knee raw and a quick jova cast allowed me to complete my training.
When she finished, Valle gathered her materials and glanced at me. “They’ll kill him in the half-moon, as dictated.”
I sat up and stared at her in horror. “That’s tomorrow night!”
She said nothing for a while, staring down at her items as she carefully put them away. “It’s easy to believe you love them, isn’t it? They’re so sweet sometimes, so eager. They depend fully on you and at times you wake in the night and if they’re in your bed, their warmth covers you as they hold you. When you hear their heartbeat against your ear, it’s easy to believe it’s love. But it’s not. Love cannot be, Nalla. You must let him go. There’s no chance of happiness or freedom to love. It’ll end you just like this. Or worse.”
Valle stood abruptly and looked down at me with kind eyes.
“The guards will come and take you to see him. Make the best of your time and then forget all about him.”
When I was alone once more, I continued my wild pacing of the room. The minutes stretched to hours and each second lost was more ways mother could harm Tannor. I was being driven mad by my own speculations. I wished to scream and yell and pound my fists against the doors. The temptation to use my magic was great, but I reserved it. I held at bay. Soon, I would need it and it had to be at its full charge.
After two hours, my doors were opened, and my mother’s golden guard arrived. Try as I might, I wouldn’t be able to fight my way through these women. They were the absolute best, the most trained, and skilled. Their arms were muscled but lean, their legs were a testament of their many hours spent training.
The captain, a tall woman with deep brown skin and long straight hair, stepped forward. Illo was her name, and she’d been on my mother’s guard for many a decade. Despite her age, she was hardened like a stone and had no pity or remorse in her dark eyes.
“It is against my better judgement to take you to see that beast. Know that I will slit your throat if you attempt anything ridiculous, even if you’re a daughter of generals,” Illo said in an even tone.
I lifted my chin and showed as much bravery as I could. “I understand.”
She raised a single solitary eyebrow and nodded at the women under her command. I was grabbed and roped; my hands bound before me. Then they shoved me forward, through the home I knew. Servants deflected their eyes when I walked, as if I’d shamed them all with my behavior. It was then that I realized there would be no life here for me. Even if I couldn’t save Tannor. Even if we were doomed. Now I truly had nothing to lose.
I was taken down to the dungeons, which smelled of urine and a slight tinge of dried blood. I felt my magic sizzle, warming the tips of my fingers. But now was not the moment to use it. Now was the moment to plan, to find a way out of this madness.
In the center of dungeons was my mother’s play area, and it didn’t surprise me to find this is where I was led. The fires were lit, casting a soft glow of orange over the area and there hung Tannor. His arms were high above his head as he was hoisted up with a silver chain that cut into his wrists. His wings were tucked neatly behind him, roped in silver.
When he heard us enter, he slowly looked up, and we gasped as we beheld each other. Me in horror at the state of his body, him in relief at seeing me alive.
His face was nearly purple with swollen bruises, a broken nose and a split lip. One of his eyes was completely shut, and he had a deep gash on his eyebrow. His chest had pot marks of burns and his legs were slashed where he’d been whipped. It broke my heart to see him this way.
“Tannor–”
“You have five minutes,” a voice said from the side.
I turned to see mother wiping her hands and walking slowly to me. Her skin was glistening with sweat and her hair was slightly undone. Something I’d not seen in many years.
To my surprise, she turned to her guard with a stony face. “Leave us.”
Captain Illo opened her mouth, her face set to protest. “General–”
“I said leave us. You think my own daughter can get past me? Post yourselves at the door. There’s no way out but that way,” mother snapped as she tossed the rag to the ground. Her cool eyes followed their retreat, then slowly she cast them to me.
I met her gaze head-on. I wouldn’t quiver before her. She would hate that.
“Go on, you stupid girl. Bid your goodbyes to your doomed lover,” she said slowly, even mockingly. “Enjoy his wet kisses one final time.”
“Begging for mercy would be useless, wouldn’t it?” I asked with a trembling voice.
She smirked a little and walked closer, staring down at me. “Don’t waste your time on me. You’re down to four minutes.”
My heart leaped within, and I cast her one last glance of hate before turning to Tannor. He leaned forward, eyes wide as he looked me over.
“You’re well,” his voice was hoarse.
I could only nod, just taking in the damage done to him, how they’d abused him. No. How my mother had abused him so cruelly, as if he meant nothing. As if he was something to discard.
“Oh, Tannor, we shouldn’t have returned,” my words descended into a sob as I pressed my forehead against his.
He was warm, fevered, as his body likely battled against the onslaught of abuse. I didn’t know where to touch him so he wouldn’t experience additional pain, but he leaned into me, desperate to feel me. The chains rattled and tears dribbled from my eyes despite my determination to remain strong in this moment. My eyes searched the links, seeking a weakness but they were silver and freshly made. It would be impossible to tear them open.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have chosen you in the pits, you wouldn’t be hurt if I had stayed with my eyes closed.”
Hewas sorry? What did he have to be sorry for? I’d caused all of this. If I’d not picked him in the pits, he would still be there and be…chained. Locked.
Our eyes met and this truth lay unspoken between us, a harsh reality. He was the same as he started, only this time he knew I loved him. He knew he was mine and we’d given each other all the love and care within us. I wasn’t sorry for that.
“I don’t wish these to be our final words,” I whispered, clutching his face and pressing my mouth to his cheek.
“Then talk to me always. Long after I’m gone,” he said and a small smile came to his handsome face. Bloody as he was, broken as they made him, he was still mine and would be mine always.
The laws that governed the land, could never govern my heart.
“Every day. Every moment,” I said in a whisper, the words crumbling under the onslaught of the implications.
“One minute,” a deep voice said behind me.
I gasped and slipped my arm around Tannor’s neck, pulling him in and feeling him sigh against my throat.
“I love you,” I said with urgency. “And I’ll see you again when my day comes.”
He nuzzled my jaw. “All of our moments have given me more strength than you could ever imagine.”
Swallowing, I nodded, still clinging to him and finding it impossible to let him go. To simply accept his fate. To know that there would be no more lazy lingering mornings in bed, feeling his warm body coiled around me.
“It’s time,” mother said.
I became so angry. Angry at everything. At her. At each woman now in power. At each man from our distant past who led us to this. At the world and its unfairness. What sin could there be in love? The words weren’t even synonymous with one another.
Reeling, I turned to her and met her hard eyes. “If you’ll not release him and allow us happiness somewhere far away, then kill him quickly. Don’t let him linger, don’t torture him.”
She was cloaked in shadows, her penetrating gaze on us. She remained unmoved, her chin set on her closed fist.
“I’ve done as much as I could to save you,” her words were low and it seemed as if her voice was in my head for her lips barely moved on her statue-like mouth. “I tried to warn you.”
“Warn me of what?” I erupted, crying. “Of loving, as if it were this terrible thing, this sin against the gods!”
She stood and she seemed to be twelve feet tall as she stared down at me, her face reddening, showcasing more than she’d ever showcased. “Against the law.”
“Fuck the law! Look what it’s done!” I pointed to Tannor. “You bend so harshly for the law and all you’ve found is destroying your daughter’s life!”
Then mother’s face transformed, and she pounded on her chest, letting out a howl of pain I didn’t think her capable of. “I lost everything to keep you and your sisters safe. To keep my baby boy safe.”
Her voice was lost in a gasp, and she turned from me, clutching her forehead. I stared at her hunched figure, and I was too confused to truly register her tears. There was not a sound but for her low hitches of breath.
“It was his idea. We feared it but when you were born… we had no choice for you also brought your brother.” Her voice echoed against the stone walls. “If they discovered us, all of us would perish, including our daughters. But especially my angel and little boy.”
I took a tentative step towards her, my own chest pressing down as the confession I’d long suspected came forth. “You said my brother died.”
She paused and looked up, letting out a long mournful sigh. “He’s alive.”