Chapter Twelve #2
The first dance was Frances’ favorite by far.
Not that her nerves magically melted away as soon as Nathaniel took her in his arms, but as the song went on, with his brother and grandfather telling her how lovely and happy she looked, with Nathaniel’s arms around her, she started to believe.
That she didn’t just have Nathaniel’s protection, she seemed to have his entire family behind her, ready to offer her kind words and support, whatever she needed.
She’d been crushed at Nathaniel’s proposal, because at least an awful marriage could have given her children, but even if this would never be a real marriage, as long as she was surrounded by people who genuinely cared about her and her happiness, maybe that would be enough.
She could be a favorite aunt and dote on all her nieces and nephews.
The next dances were interesting. Some men asked her as a sign of respect for the earl, which she had been expecting. Others, not many, but more than she’d ever earned on her own before tonight, wanted to dance with her. For the pleasure of her company.
She was an ugly duckling dressed as a swan for the night, and people were noticing.
Mostly the wrong sort of people, obviously, because this was her engagement ball, but there were a few comments like, “where have you been hiding?” and “if only you’d looked like this before.
” That last one had bothered her, and she’d had to remind herself to walk, not run, to Rebecca and Elizabeth once the dance ended.
There was the tiniest part of her that was flattered by all the attention, but mostly she felt convinced that Nathaniel was wrong, and the more men she met, the more she saw how lucky she was that it was Nathaniel in the garden with her that day.
How lucky she was to have him, no matter in what capacity.
Then again, she had no idea what he was saying to all the young ladies he danced with.
He overwhelmingly favored his family, dancing with his grandmother and each of his sisters more than once.
He also danced with Daisy, and even, begrudgingly, her mother, which looked unpleasant for everyone, despite the polite smiles.
Mary had sent her apologies, as her youngest was sick and she couldn’t bear to be away from him, but Iris arrived in full form, hours after the evening began, with her husband and three couples in tow.
“Franny!” she exclaimed, wearing a low-cut gown that put her best assets on display.
“Lady Dodd,” Frances greeted with a bow, knowing it was the reason her sister spoke so loudly, to draw everyone’s attention.
Her hand had gone to the mark on her temple as soon as she’d heard her sister’s voice.
There was something about being in her presence that made Frances feel utterly exposed, and she had to make sure it was only a feeling.
“Where is your intended?” Iris asked, eying men over fifty, especially those who were overweight or balding. Her point was crystal clear.
“Lady Dodd.” Nathaniel came over and found them, garnering appreciative looks from Iris’ retinue. “So nice of you to travel all this way to join us. I trust your journey was pleasant?”
“Long trips are always miserable, but better in a new barouche, of course. We have two, you see, so the ladies came in one, and the men…well, they rode for most of it, very athletic they are, but it was there if they needed it.”
“Sounds lovely.” Nathaniel was unimpressed, but those around them weren’t.
“Franny, darling, we’re absolutely parched. You don’t think you could go and fetch us some lemonade, could you?”
“Of cour—” she started.
“One of the footmen will be happy to do it. Dustin?” Nathaniel summoned a young man who nodded and went to get refreshments.
“That must be a relief.” Iris jabbed Frances with an elbow, as if they were party to an inside joke.
“I’m sure it is, but the next dance is starting, and I believe Lord Grant will try to steal your sister away if I don’t stake my claim on her,” Nathaniel intoned smoothly.
“Isn’t that what the engagement was for?” Frances heard Iris complain to her husband, but Nathaniel had extended his arm and waited for her to take it so he could guide her to the dance floor once more.
“I haven’t danced this much in my life,” Frances told Nathaniel, letting him spin her around the room like she’d always watched others do.
“Would you like to take a seat?” he asked with concern.
“No, I wasn’t complaining. Quite the opposite.” She took a deep breath. “Although Dustin is back with refreshments if we change our minds.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever danced so much either,” he told her.
“That makes sense, considering men don’t have a season so much as they attend sporadically until someone catches their eye, or they’re ready to marry.”
“At which point we dodge eager potentials and their mothers, until we see our target and pounce?”
“You’re being sarcastic, but it’s true. For most men.”
“You mean the ones who don’t accidentally lure innocents into gardens?”
“I don’t know how you could ever joke about it.”
“What else are you going to do?” He sighed. “I long ago discovered that running from and avoiding your problems is never the answer.”
Frances recovered quickly from the implication that she—and their current predicament—was his problem. She’d come into this knowing that she was disrupting his life, for the worse.
“It worked wonders for Iris,” she said under her breath, but Nathaniel’s smile told her he’d heard.
“People have short memories. Which can be a good thing when it comes to scandal.” She gave an involuntary shudder, but he picked up on it. “You never thought you’d be a part of one?”
“Did you?”
“No. I was very careful to behave in a manner my father would be proud of, and my brothers could look up to. For the most part.”
“I’m sorry,” Frances apologized for what felt like the millionth time, but it would never be enough.
“I think my father would say I handled myself quite well in our situation. He believed being a gentleman was first and foremost about treating others with kindness and respect, helping when you can. I think he would have been more upset if I had left you there to find your way back to the house alone. Hopefully, my brothers will absorb the honorable parts.”
“How to stand up to bullies while saving the damsel in distress?”
“The man I aspire to be would argue with each of those claims.”
“And the one you are now?” she asked, her heart pounding. She wasn’t sure if it was from the exertion of a night spent dancing, Nathaniel being so close to her, or the vulnerability he was showing.
“I didn’t save you. I can merely hope I didn’t condemn you to a worse fate. And though you brought out my gallantry, I don’t believe you are a damsel in distress.”
“I think I may be the definition of one.”
“I can guarantee a proper damsel wouldn’t argue half as much as you have. I believe you said something along the lines of you’d rather not be saved than to have me be inconvenienced by saving you.”
“I think it’s a worse prison to be married to someone who hates and resents me than to weather a scandal.”
“Are you saying you wish to call off the engagement? Because I fear we may be past that.”
He was trying to get her to smile, so she did. But there was also concern in his eyes, like he might make it happen if that was what she truly wanted. Unfortunately, her answer depended on him, and how miserable their marriage would make him.
“You can rest assured that I do not, and will never, hate or resent you. At the very least, not for this.”
“You believe that.”
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t,” he said simply, then more seriously, “I will never break a promise to you.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“It should be.”
Frances knew he meant it now, but even her parents had loved each other once. What chance did she and Nathaniel have without even that?
“Then I hope you never make me a promise you shouldn’t keep.”
By the end of the evening, Nathaniel could no longer feel his jaw or his toes.
The constant smiling had led to him dancing to give his mouth a break, but letting Grace come down past her bedtime was a terrible idea, as she kept trying to lead, stepping on his toes so often that he ultimately let her keep her feet on his and mostly carried her around the dance floor.
Still, the smile on her face as she headed back up the stairs made any injuries more than worth it.
“I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Ly—Lady Fergus.” Nathaniel caught himself before inappropriately calling her by her Christian name, but other than his family, hers was the one face that garnered a genuine smile from him that night.
“Lord Lark,” she greeted.
“Would you care to dance?” he offered.
“Here?”
“Better you than a stranger, and better to dance than stand here and talk in whispers. Far less scandalous.”
She nodded, so he brought her to the other dancers, who moved to make space for them.
“It felt wrong, not inviting you and Jack. Not that my grandmother would have allowed me not to.”
“What excuse would you have given?”
“I tried to tell you in person.”
“I took the boys to the country, but Jack told me you stopped by looking torn up about something. Before it even made the papers. I appreciated it.”
“You deserve much more,” he apologized.
“But I might have had a lot less,” she assured him. “And I lied. I knew I’d see the day.”
“I would have called you insane.”
“Is it too much to hope I’ll someday hear the full story?”
“There is no story.” He cleared his throat, so she nodded.
“I am happy for you. I know it’s not my place, but my heart ached at the thought that you’d never find love or happiness after—”
“I was happy,” he argued. “I am happy.”
“I don’t believe either of those.” She gave him a sad but knowing smile. “Though I do think you will be. Miss Plimpton is not what I’d pictured, but she is delightful.”
“You’ve spoken?”
“She saw me admiring the orchids.”
“She loves flowers and gardens. All that stuff.”
“I also saw the way you looked at her. On the stairs.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The entire ballroom saw it,” she continued as if he hadn’t said anything. “Can I ask you one favor?” Lydia asked him as the dance ended.
“What?” He didn’t explicitly agree, but they both knew that if it was in his power, he would.
“Don’t fight it,” she said simply. “I know how scary it is, but don’t.”
“Fight what?” he asked, but she merely smiled before going to find her husband, who happily brought her back to the floor for another dance. Nathaniel watched as they smiled, whispered, and laughed like teenagers.
“What was that about?” James asked, eying Lord and Lady Fergus with suspicion.
“Jack was a few years above me in school,” Nathaniel said as if that explained his familiarity with the man’s wife.
“Of course.” James rolled his eyes. “Grandmama went to bed, so she wanted me to confer upon you all hosting responsibilities.”
“Does that mean I can kick everyone out?”
“I asked, but she says it means you can be pleasant to everyone on the premises until the last of them decides to leave.”
“Are you staying? Or going to hide some more on the terrace?”
“I danced twice with Lizzie, Becca, and both Miss Plimptons. Thrice with Grandmama, but so far, the gossip is contained.”
“Thank God. The last thing this family needs is another scandal.”
“Are you well?” James put a hand on his arm and drew him slightly away from prying eyes.
“I’ve been much worse,” Nathaniel assured him. “See anyone you like?”
“No one who is available.” James sighed, compelling Nathaniel to give him a raised eyebrow. “Meaning they’re all related to me,” he assured him. “Or engaged to my brother,” he added teasingly.
“Either your standards are impossibly high, or you weren’t looking.”
Elizabeth had added a dozen names to his guest list, of eligible men and women for their younger siblings. If she had it her way, she would marry them all off before the end of the month, so she could retreat to the country without missing out on any first meetings.
“I wasn’t looking,” James agreed. “Although, realistically, I think my standards are rather low.”
“Please enlighten me so I can help in your endeavor.”
“I’m merely searching for someone I will love half as much as our father loved our mother.”
It sounded so simple, but having seen the way their father adored their mother, like she brought the sunlight and the stars and made life worth living, he hoped his brother would find it. Which required spending time in society, with women he could potentially marry.
“Searching, or waiting for her to stumble into your chambers?”
“I can’t quite woo her with my brother-of-an-earl position anymore now he’s marrying, so I can only rely on my current situation.”
“Which means it’ll take a while. Perhaps forever,” Nathaniel teased, but he felt guilty, even if he would never want his brother to marry a woman who only wanted him for his title.
“That wounds me, brother, but I’m merely explaining that I feel it’s more important to find something worthwhile to do that will recommend me to this woman once I find her, rather than search for a woman who’ll have no reason to accept me if I asked.”
“Then her loving you half as much as our mother loved our father is not in your requirements?”
“Someday, maybe. But I’m currently not worthy.”
“Of course you are. You’re one of the best men I know, and any woman would be lucky to have you.”
Nathaniel meant every word he’d just said to his brother, but at the same time, he felt the inadequacy in his core.
As a bright-eyed, eager twenty-one-year-old, he’d believed not only that he deserved that love, but that he was worthy of and had even found it.
In the years since, he wasn’t quite sure if his actions had made him unworthy, or if he had never been worthy at all.
He assumed it was his actions, because he believed—to the depths of his soul—that had he not lost Jo, he’d be happier today than he or his parents could ever have imagined.