Chapter One #2
Not wishing to continue the conversation, James moved through the large room toward the door with the other man in two. “Such as what?”
Once outside on the pavement, Eggleton faced him. “I couldn’t say.” His shrug lifted one shoulder. “Only you can know what would captivate your mind.”
“Outside of one hell of a woman, I couldn’t possibly begin to know.” Yet he enjoyed a variety of interests and pursuits. None of them he could do in London.
His friend smirked. “Randy, are you?”
“Not exactly.” Though he did enjoy a good fuck as much as any other man, especially when he was able to include a bit of his more depraved cravings such as blindfolds or tying a woman to various pieces of furniture.
However, when he took women into his bed, he was discreet, and as far as he knew, there weren’t on-dits circulating about those trysts.
Despite that, he was sought after in the beau monde, for his title and position and his Adonis looks—golden hair, average height, blue eyes, strong Corinthian features.
Yes, women gravitated toward him, for they liked a rake as well as a duke, but over the years he’d noticed the glances at his scar or how quietly frustrated they were with his limp and the unappealing problem of his nightmares.
It was one of the reasons he never spent the night with a woman.
Eggleton frowned. “Have you sworn off women?”
“I didn’t say that.”
To be fair, he wasn’t interested in marriage.
He wanted to be left alone. Being in the war and then years as a spy had hardened him, hurt him, disappointed him, left him jaded.
The things he’d done haunted him. He would be no good or use to any woman as a husband.
His line would die with him, and his title would go fallow.
Such was life.
The monarchy only cared about filling titles because of what they could tax and reap from the estates.
They cared nothing for the people, as evidenced by how he’d been treated when he returned from war, returned from his missions.
People shunned him when they found out he was a spy, thought he couldn’t be trusted.
The men he thought were his friends in government pretended they didn’t know him.
Colleagues in parliament sought to tear down his bills before he’d finished speaking them into existence.
Well, no matter. He’d had to battle that unfairness for years, but the stigma of all he remained in some circles.
Not that he cared. In fact, he didn’t care about anything these days.
His friend blew out a frustrated breath. “Well, you can’t meet women—for whatever needs you have—if you insist on clinging to the shadows or skulking about.”
What a lovely word skulking was. It almost brought a smile to his lips. “I don’t care to do the pretty within society. Not anymore. If they can’t accept me for who I am and what I’m battling, I don’t want to mingle with them. I’d rather spend time with my red kite than a human.”
“Fair enough.” For long moments, Eggleton rested his gaze on James. “Perhaps you won’t find a woman within society. Have you ever thought about that?”
“Ha.” A snort escaped him. “Where is the fun in that? Besides, where do you think I’ll meet one, then?
At the opera, which I never attend? At the British Museum, where I do not go because of the crowds?
Almack’s, where I’ve been banned years before due to certain sexual proclivities?
” Honestly, it was laughable how many arbitrary rules there were in society, and how many of those regular people didn’t fit into.
“That wasn’t my point.” Eggleton shook his head. “God, you’re an arse sometimes.”
James executed a half-bow from the waist. “I’ve never proclaimed myself to be anything else.”
“Fuck off, James,” the other man said, but there was jesting in his tone. “Look, I’m not asking you to find a romance, but I do think you’ll benefit from companionship of some sort.”
“I shall think about it; I do have a cat, though.”
“Companionship beyond the cat. Also, think about what will happen to it if you pop off this mortal coil prematurely.” When James didn’t answer, the duke continued.
“At least get off your rocks. It will take the edge off and perhaps prevent you from doing something rash. You’ll be in a better mindset afterward. ”
“True.” James nodded then realized he’d left his top hat and gloves inside the club with the footman attending the door.
“Although, a woman will have to prove a good fuck, indeed, for all that. The darkness can still overtake me no matter that I enjoy a tryst.” In fact, he’d been thinking about removing himself from this mortal coil for quite some time.
“Well, you never know. The future always remains a mystery.”
For some odd reason, this conversation held his interest… or perhaps he was merely bored. “What do you want me to do? Dump a woman into a wagon and spirit her away?”
“That might make it more interesting, though I will caution you from kidnapping any woman. We’ve had far too much of that within the club over the past year.” Warning shadowed Eggleton’s eyes in the golden illumination from the windows of the club.
James rolled his eyes. “It would make the rumors of my beastly nature more believable.”
“Now that would provide some excitement,” Eggleton said with a wink, “but I’m not endorsing the idea.”
He allowed a tiny grin. “Perhaps. It has been some time since I knew excitement.” Unfortunately, it would prove a fleeting distraction.
“Before you do anything rash, come talk to me. I’ll be watching you. The world is a better place with you here, as much as you don’t wish to be.”
“For what purpose? What is there left for me here?”
“Life. Living. Feeling something.”
“Bah. I haven’t done that for far too many years.” Each time he did, life showed him why it was a stupid idea.
Eggleton clapped a hand to James’ shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze. “Perhaps it’s time to start.”
It sounded like far too much work, but he nodded. “Time will tell, but I will say London holds no more interest for me.”
Would it ever? He couldn’t say.
“I understand perhaps more than you can ever know. I won’t tell you that the dark times will pass easily or that you’ll pull yourself out of it soon, because we both know that is a lie, and you are too smart for platitudes.
But I will tell you this.” Eggleton held James’ gaze.
“Your existence hasn’t run its course yet.
You might have met with disappointment the world over, but don’t manage to disappoint yourself, for there is a reason you are still with us. ”
A lump of emotion lodged in his throat. “Thank you for that. I shall try to remember your words as the days march onward.”
“Where are you going? To prowl the streets of London like an avenging raven?”
He snorted. “No. I am too weary tonight. I am for my bed, to feed my cat, and then perhaps drink myself into oblivion.”
To forget and pray for a dreamless sleep.