Chapter Ten #2
Slowly, James nodded. “That and… I rather want a marriage of convenience, so she’ll be taken care when…”
“Fuck.” The other man gawked. “When you off yourself? Stop talking insanely, man. Take her to wife and live out your days with whatever happiness you can find. Lord knows that’s what we’re all looking for.”
“Have you found that with your life?”
“Yes, eventually.” Udolpho shrugged. “We have disagreements occasionally, but then, the best couples do, but they only teach us how to work together to solve them.”
There was that, yet he shook his head. “What kind of life would that be for her, though? Living with me, this wreck and tragedy I’ve become?” Fear rose to the surface, evading the boxes he usually kept it in. “I might kill her in my sleep while trapped in a nightmare. I am broken…”
The other man snorted. “So are we all, yet some of us have found a soft place to land, a reason for staying… We have found hope, and it makes all the difference. Hell, why do you think Ravenhurst stayed away from the club for so long after he married? Hope is a powerful thing. I’ll wager he wanted to revel in it while he could before opening himself back up to society. ”
That was something James hadn’t considered before. Then he shoved the thoughts away. “I think I’m too far gone for that, but I can gift Eloise the life she should have had all along, the life she deserves, as my duchess.” God, she would prove magnificent in that position.
Udolpho coughed quietly. “And then your widow?”
“Perhaps.” He shrugged. “You don’t know how much agony I battle with daily that goes beyond the pain in my leg.”
“I’m sorry. I guess I don’t, and I thank whatever deity will listen that my problems don’t stem from that.
” His friend shook his head. “I didn’t come here to lecture you, but I do urge you to think about what I’ve said.
And in that vein, you’re lucky that Forsythe was busy, else he would have come out. ”
James grunted. “I’m afraid I don’t know him all that well.”
“I have a feeling he’ll explode before too long with things he’s tamped down for far too long, but that is beside the point.
” With a sigh, Udolpho heaved to his feet.
“Get out of your own head, my friend. Leave the past behind. The rest of our days aren’t promised, so make the best of them and find the peace you desperately need. So you can enjoy a well-deserved rest.”
That was the first time someone had told him that.
Unexpected emotion well within his chest while suspicious moisture came into his eyes.
“I shall think about it.” Yet his mind was still troubled.
There was no way out; there never had been.
The more he was with Eloise, the more he knew she didn’t deserve to be trapped with him.
He’d restore her reputation and give her everything because he was a duke… and then he would fade away.
She would eventually move on, but at least she would have options and the means to do whatever she wanted.
“I appreciate you dropping by. You’re welcome to stay the night.” As he spoke, James stood as well. “However, there is no need to worry. I’ve decided to take Miss March back to London, and hopefully, in a couple of day if I’m successful, wed her by special license.”
Had he truly just uttered those words?
Shock went through Udolpho’s face and reflected in his eyes. “Very well. I’ll inform Eggleton. He’ll no doubt wish to visit as soon as possible.”
“I’m certain he will.” But in this, James wouldn’t waver. He’d made his final decision. There was no going back.
Later that night
With a shout, James came awake to find Eloise sitting in a chair at his bedside, staring at him in the gloom of the night, for he’d neglected to pull the draperies around his bed when he retired.
“Elli? Why are you here?” His heart pounded from the fear of being locked in the latest nightmare. Sweat on his skin rapidly cooled his body and his breath came in ragged pants while he fixed his gaze on her.
“I heard you shouting from down the corridor and thought you might either be in pain or peril.” When she shrugged, the white nightdress she wore made her resemble a ghost. “I wanted to help, but you didn’t answer my knock.
I came in. By then, you’d fallen back to sleep, so I sat here to watch over you. ”
“You thought to protect me from my demons?” More than a bit of awe went through his voice as he rolled onto his side to face her.
“I don’t know if I can do that, but I wanted to be here when you woke, so you would know you’re never alone even if you think you’re lost.”
Unexpectedly, he lost a piece of his heart to her.
There was no way to retrieve it and no way to stop it, and panic quickly followed.
He couldn’t start caring for her; there was no future for them.
“Thank you.” Emotion graveled his voice while confusion swept through his mind.
Things were rapidly changing and he didn’t know how to stop them. “Join me?”
“Will you behave yourself?”
Despite himself, he chuckled. “We’ll find out together, I suppose.
” When she came onto the bed and crawled next to him, James immediately put his arms around her and pulled her close to his body.
The warmth of her seeped into him and brought a modicum of comfort, while the springtime scent of her reminded him of other years where the weather hadn’t completely ruined the gentleness of the changing seasons.
As she nestled into him with a palm on his chest and her other hand resting on his hip, awareness of her rippled over his skin. “What was your nightmare about?”
“What they are always about—my past.”
“Specifically?”
He blew out a breath. “My time in the military, my time as a spy, and even my boyhood.”
“Tell me the stories so I can understand you better.” The heat from her breath skated over his cheek and jaw. “Perhaps then it won’t feel so heavy.”
Should he? Would she think badly about it once he did? Several moments passed before he uttered the first words. “When my grandfather was alive, he very much ruled and ran the Shaw family.”
“A strong, fearsome man, then?”
“Yes.” As he spoke, he eased a hand up and down her back.
The soft glide of the fine lawn of her nightdress was soothing on his skin.
“He despised anyone—especially the males in his family—who showed emotion, used to tell us to fight through the fear, fight through the pain, never let anyone see how you feel because dukes and future dukes should never show weakness to the people below them.”
“While I can understand that, it’s a horrible thing to impress upon a child. Their whole world is full of the discovery of emotions.”
“Yes, well, he was a hard, exacting man, and my father followed in his footsteps.” His chest tightened from the remembrance.
“In fact, my grandfather used to beat me with sugar cane rods, a leather rein, his own cane, at times, when I’d misbehaved by his standards or didn’t fall to his dictates.
” He shook his head. “Once, he tied me to a tree outside in the rain until I could master control of my emotions. I was but a youth then, home from school on summer holidays.”
“That’s outrageous!” The indignation in her voice worked to soothe the irritation in his soul. “I’m so sorry you were subjected to that.”
“It is how many of us were raised, I’m afraid, especially heirs to titles.
” Would he be such a father? There was no way to tell, but that wasn’t something he’d need to worry over, for he wouldn’t linger in this world that long.
“However, that training carried over and served me well in the military, for emotion or being close to anyone might prove a detriment. Because of that, I’ve heard whispers that some call me the Duke of Ice for the little emotion I show. ”
She stroked her fingers through the sprinkling of hair on his chest, and with every pass, need shivered down his spine. “None of that makes you better, nor is it a badge of honor.”
“Perhaps, but it made me a better spy.”
“While I don’t doubt that, never showing emotions means you've missed out on many lovely parts of life because you refuse to let yourself feel anything.”
“Isn’t that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black?” He didn’t know much of her past or of her, but he knew the signs of a person holding back their own emotions.
Her soft chuckle worked to further arouse him. “Is it, and I realize it is a failing on my part as much as it was supposed to be for protection.”
“Yes, exactly. Now tell me what I’ve supposedly miss out on.” There was something soothing about talking to a woman in the shroud of darkness, for that wasn’t what he usually used a bed for.
“Oh.” The gentle exhale warmed his chin.
“The laughter of a child as it echoes on the air. The way a swan paddles upon a pond leaving ripples on the water behind them. The way the sunset over a beach looks as if it was painted by a master artist’s hand.
The whisper in the wind during a summer storm.
The pattern of a snowflake against the window glass.
The shivery way lips feel when they drag over sensitive skin.
..” Then she pressed her own lips to his throat. “Shall I go on?”
With the kiss or the explanation? “You have made your point.”
Then she wriggled her hips so that the vee of her thighs brushed his hardening shaft. “So have you.”
God, but she was clever and quite adorable. “I cannot help what I am.”
“Mmm.” Then she surprised him by pushing at his chest until he rolled onto his back.
Seconds later, she straddled his waist, which further rubbed her against his engorged length.
“Perhaps, but you can improve who you are.” As she spoke, Eloise gathered handfuls of the nightdress’ skirting, and as he watched, she tugged the garment off her body and over her head, letting it drop to the side of the bed.
Dear God.