Chapter Fifteen
Later that night
James came awake with a start, and when he realized he sat reclined in the chair behind his desk in the study, he was temporarily confused.
Wasn’t this his wedding night?
When the chime of the longcase clock on the level above announced the midnight hour, he came upright and slammed his feet onto the floor. Shit! Eloise would be furious with him.
The day had been exhausting, for following the ceremony, there had been the breakfast. Then Eggleton wished to celebrate the nuptials with the other men at the club, so they’d gone over there.
Eggleton had summoned the members who weren’t otherwise occupied, and they’d enjoyed wine and spirits well into the evening.
Dinner had been consumed, and amidst the good-natured ribbing, James had left the club.
Returning home, he’d gone directly to his study, where he’d imbibed in more brandy and a measure of laudanum, for his left leg ached where he’d acquired his injury.
Which made him fall asleep at his desk, except his thoughts spun with the realization that he felt more for his new wife than he’d anticipated.
And he’d drunk more, for there was no doubt that those emotions would complicate his plans to rid himself of the darkness.
That was when nightmares had beset him, and they were some of the most acute he’d ever had.
Guilt had soon followed. How could he join his new wife abovestairs when he knew what a horrible man he was?
She expected a husband who would be at her side, caring for her, growing old with her, but how could he when he could barely survive a night now?
Faced with at least twenty or thirty more years of being haunted by ghosts of the past?
God, how am I to survive?
With a groan, he heaved out of the chair.
At some point earlier in the night, he’d shed his tailcoat, cuffs, collar, cravat, and the waistcoat.
The garments were draped over one of the leather chairs that faced his desk.
One of his shoes was beneath the desk while the other was halfway across the room, and what was more, he had no idea how that had happened.
Not that it mattered. With an ache that lightly throbbed in his head, James left the study.
The corridors were dark, but at this point, darkness was familiar and he’d lived in it for a very long time.
His first stop on the third level was the duchess suite, but Eloise wasn’t there.
A quick peek in the clothespress and bureau confirmed that her belongings had been sent over from her father’s home.
The bedclothes had been turned down, but there was no indication that the bed had been slept in.
Fuck. Had she crept into his bedchamber to wait for him, and he’d disappointed her? What the devil is wrong with me?
Changing course, he crept along the corridor, and at his own room, he softly pushed open the door.
Once he’d closed it behind him, the breath stalled in his lungs.
A single candle had burned low on the bedside table.
In the middle of the massive four-poster bed, Eloise had fallen asleep.
A book of poetry with a blue-linen cover had tumbled to the counterpane beside her.
At her feet, Phantom had curled up and was sleeping as well.
Damn, what did I do in my miserable life to win such a woman?
With her dark brown hair loose and flowing across the pillows like a swirling stream at night and clad in a dainty, lace-lined creation of a robe and gown in the same pale blue color as her gown earlier, she was a vision.
The faint scent of violets lingered in the air like a wraith.
He hesitated to wake her, but seeing her in his bed and knowing it was his wedding night, a wave of awareness collided with heated desire rising through his body.
After he stripped down, he padded silently across the room to do the necessary behind the privacy screen.
Then he splashed cold water onto his face and chest in an effort to clear his head and chase away the clinging vestiges of the nightmares.
A quick application of cleaning powder on his toothbrush preceded ridding his mouth of the taste of brandy.
After that, he crept over to the bed and slipped beneath the covers to lay next to her.
Dear God, the warmth of her was most welcome!
“Eloise.” He kept his voice low so he wouldn’t startle her.
Phantom lifted his head, looked sleepily at him, uttered a soft meow, and then began licking a front paw.
“You are going to need to find somewhere else to go, my friend,” he told the cat as he scooted closer to Eloise… his wife. The realization brought both flying interest and crushing responsibility. “Elli.” He put a hand on her hip as he framed her body with his.
With a few unintelligible words, she snuggled into his hold then gasped. “James?”
“Unless you are expecting another man in my bed?”
“Where have you been?” She turned to face him. “I expected you hours ago.”
“I apologize for the delay.” As briefly as he could, James told her how he’d spent his time. “Then I fell asleep at my desk, only to wake during a stint of nightmares.”
She laid a palm to his cheek, and he resisted the urge to nuzzle into it.
“I’m sorry you’re beset with them more often than not.
” The warmth of her breath skated along his chin.
“I know what it’s like, though. It doesn’t matter how good life might prove currently.
The past is always lurking there, to ruin it. ”
“Yes.” He could hardly force the word from his tight throat.
Saying vows to this woman earlier in the day that knocked his world on its side, had made him look at everything differently, and oddly had him yearning for things he had no business even hoping for.
Sliding an arm about her hips, he peered into her eyes.
In the dim illumination of the candle, tiny golden flecks danced in those brown depths.
“How can you wish to even be linked permanently with me?” Perhaps he was slightly drunk, or perhaps he was desperate; it was difficult to say.
“With what I’ve become? I’ve been tortured, then turned around and tortured others, all in the name of war.
I’ve killed men, Elli. Men who had families, who were someone’s sons, men who were trapped in the same circumstances as me, but we were on different sides, so I had no choice… ”
“Hush, Your Grace.” She lightly traced a fingertip along his bottom lip. “I believe there is good in you. I believe you aren’t the person you were years ago. None of us are.”
He huffed. “I could be.” Oh, but he wanted her words to prove true.
“You’re not, else you would still be that man. You wouldn’t have shown me pieces of that goodness if you were that man.”
Was that true? “Ha.” Unconvinced, he shook his head. “Case in point, if a man tries to woo you away from me, I won’t hesitate to kill him.” At least it was honest.
A trace of fear went through her gaze. “Is that a threat or a challenge?”
“I think you know.” Then a chuckle escaped him. “I want peace, Elli. I want a string of days when I’m not haunted, where I’m not drowning in guilt, where I can enjoy what I have.” In danger of showing too much emotion, he cleared his throat. “Where I can feel… happy. Content for once.”
She held his head between her hands. “Then stop trying to hide.”
So easily he could let himself fall, but it was pointless because there was no future for them. There couldn’t be. “What about the war in my mind?”
“I promise to try different herbal remedies and teas on you. Some will help give you that calm you chase while other will relax your mind so that those demons will quiet.” As she spoke, Eloise squirmed closer to his body, and his shaft immediately reacted to her proximity.
“In the meanwhile, learn how to talk to me about what you struggle with. I need to learn the same.” Her voice caught, and in that space of time, he lost a piece of his heart to her.
“What we survived in our pasts…” She shook her head.
“No one should have to have that one their conscience, but we do, and we’re strong because of it. ”
“Or perhaps we’re gluttons for punishment.”
“No.” After a tiny sigh, she brushed her lips over his. “We can get through the valleys to enjoy the peaks. Our relationship started with trust, which is what we have, so who is to say that we can’t have so much more?”
Was he a fool to grasp onto the hope her words conveyed? Perhaps he was, but he hadn’t had that in a long time. However, it was folly to do so, for he’d already made his plans. Frankly, he was too exhausted from the perpetual fight to alter course now.
Not knowing what to say, James settled her more comfortably into his embrace, sought out her lips, and set out to kiss her senseless. In this, he didn’t need words. And for tonight, he would give her whatever she needed, for he couldn’t promise anything beyond that.
There was no sense in denying it to herself any longer, but Eloise immediately surrendered to the duke and his kisses, for she was irrevocably in love with him. Did she care what society would say about that? No, no she did not.
In this moment, for this night, there was only her and him.
When she wrenched away merely to do something as pedestrian as breathe, she moved her foot and nudged Phantom, who sprang up with a feline objection.
“Sorry, boy, but perhaps it’s best you leave the room for a bit.
I don’t want you to see me do wicked things to your master.
” A giggle escaped her when the cat jumped off the bed and darted into the shadows of the room.
“What was that?” James peered at her with a lopsided grin. “Wicked things?”
“Oh, yes.” After shrugging out of the delicate peignoir robe she’d had made specifically for this night, Eloise shoved the bedclothes from his form. “Finally, I’m able to explore your naked body.”