Chapter Sixteen
Shaw House
Portman Square
Mayfair, London
The longcase clock in the corridor outside the drawing room announced the hour as one in the morning, which meant it was May Day by the calendar.
In an ordinary year, he might have been at his country estate, indulging in all the festivities that spring would bring, but the wretched weather this year cancelled any such things.
James turned the page of the newspaper he’d been reading since rousing at midnight. Elli had fallen asleep a few hours earlier in her suite, for they’d coupled then she’d wanted a bath. He’d tried to settle into sleep, but rest was elusive.
As he perused the headlines, he huffed. God, England was a foul place with strife these days, full of class divides, riots, horrible weather, looming famine, and political unrest, yet the Regent carried on as if none of it were happening.
Clearly, the monarchy cared nothing about its people, and it was quite sad.
That pressed in on him, added to the darkness already there.
Though he’d come down into the drawing room at midnight, drinking brandy to keep the ghosts at bay, it hadn’t helped.
What was more, one memory in particular had pushed its way to the forefront of his mind, and it featured Eloise’s former fiancé, Jean-Claude.
Oddly, though, it hadn’t been him who’d killed the doctor.
Yet there was no time to revel in that fact.
Concern for her lingered at the back of his mind.
Had he already somehow cocked up this life he’d been somehow fortunate to have with Elli?
Would grow to hate him when he withdrew from her into brooding silence or lash out when things in his mind were too noisy?
In anger, he folded the paper because he couldn’t concentrate on the words any longer.
Everything was becoming too much because the responsibility on his shoulders was even greater now that he’d taken a wife.
And with that came more fear than he’d anticipated, for what if something happened to Elli?
He couldn’t bear it, which was another reason he refused to linger in such a world.
It’s all too much. Planting his elbows on his knees, he buried his head in his hands. My mind is nothing but rotten and dark. I can’t become a weight around her neck. For she had the potential to set society on its head… but he needed to give her that freedom.
Which meant it was time to do what he’d planned all along.
Over the next hour, he’d gathered a few things from his room—the bottle of laudanum, a knife, as well as a pistol.
Depending on his mood, he would use one of those items. Of course, he could also go out into the elements, have one of the groomsmen drive him out to Hyde Park where he could walk into the Serpentine and never come out, but he hadn’t decided on which method he wished to utilize.
In silence, he dressed with care while Phantom watched him from the foot of the bed.
The faint scent of violets lingered in the air; every corner of his life held Eloise’s stamp.
To the cat, he whispered, “Watch over Eloise. She’ll need you for comfort, and she’ll probably curse my name in your presence, but be there for her.” His voice caught. “I never meant to pull her into my nightmare.”
She deserves so much more than me.
Then, with an ache in his heart and dread sitting heavy in his belly, James went down into his study. For the next several moments, he penned a letter where the words came from his heart.
For Elli, and he hoped to God she would forgive him for what he was about to do; he willed her to understand that he was too exhausted to continue the fight. He’d been thinking about it for far too long, and now, after reading the paper, it was obvious he needed to leave.
A hint of nostalgia smacked him in the chest, so he slipped from the house into the rear garden one last time; it was one of his favorite places.
Or rather it was when the sun actually came out and fair weather encouraged relaxation amidst the ornamental fruit trees and shrubberies.
He didn’t realize how much he missed seeing the pops of color from the springtime flowers, dashed from the earth by the recalcitrant volcano a half world away that erupted months ago.
The loss of that herald of spring made the darkness he fought against that much more powerful.
The rain had tapered off to mere sprinkles.
For how long, he had no idea, but the air was chilly and moist; no doubt the rain would return more sooner than later.
James hadn’t gone far before the glimmer of several candles on the ground gave him pause.
“What the devil is this, then?” Curiosity rose in his chest, and as he moved closer, shocked shoved through his veins to see Elli sitting in a circle of candles on the wet earth.
She wore a gorgeous red gown that set off her décolletage as it showed off her shoulders to perfection.
With her dark hair piled on top of her head, she was the very image of a duchess.
Or the witch she’d hinted at a few times before.
“Elli?” He frowned. “What are you doing out here? I thought you were asleep.”
“I was, but as soon as I settled into bed, I heard you sneak out of your suite, so I followed you in my nightclothes.”
“You spied on me.” It wasn’t a question.
“I had to.” A huff escaped her. “I thought I could trust you.” A few pebbles and dried flower petals lay scattered amidst the candles. “Yet here you are.”
“What does that mean?” But he knew, and he heard the annoyance in her low voice.
She tucked an escaped lock of hair behind her ear.
“Littleton met me in the corridor outside your suite an hour later. He was concerned when you gathered supplies that have no purpose on this night except to remove you from this mortal coil.” A waver set up in her voice.
“He drew me away, implored me to help. How could I deny that?” With a frown, she examined the candles, waved a hand over one of them.
“Then Phantom came into my room, clearly agitated, and I knew right then something must be done.”
“That prompted you to put on such a gown and brave the rain?” The thoughts in his head prevented him from thinking clearly.
“Yes, and so did this.” From the folds of her skirting, she pulled the envelope he’d left on the desk in his study. Her name was scrawled across the front in his bold handwriting.
“That is private.”
“For me.”
“It took me the better part of two sleepless nights to come up with the words in that letter.” As he watched, she held a corner of the envelope to one of the candle flames.
Immediately, fire caught on the paper, and when it was halfway ablaze, she tossed it to the edge of the candle circle.
Annoyance rose in his chest. “Why did you do that?”
“If you have something to say to me, you’ll tell me to my face. I don’t want to know the contents of your heart after the fact.”
Her meaning hung in the air between them, and damn it all, she was right.
Then she continued. “The gown and the candles might be part of the performance, but it is also to capture your attention.”
“As if you don’t already have it.” He grunted and tightened his hand on the head of his cane. The pocket of his greatcoat where he’d put his pistol knocked against his hip, reminding him of his task. “Why are you out here?”
“Saying a couple of spells” She glanced over her shoulder at him. “You forced me into it.”
He scowled. “Which are what?”
“For one, a binding spell, as I warned you.”
The dancing flames of the candles were mesmerizing, but he grunted, for he didn’t know if he put much stock in such things. “And the other?”
“A love spell.”
“What?” Stumbling back a few steps, James stared at her with his mouth agape. “Why?”
“Oh, Blackhawke, please don’t tell me you can’t understand.
” When she pushed to her feet and then shook out her skirting, she faced him with dark eyes that seemed fathomless.
“Because I fear I’m in love with you, and now I find you sneaking out of the house to do God only knows what, but I can suspect.
The hints, the unfinished sentences…” She shook her head.
“So I cast a spell in the hopes you might come to love me in return.”
Elli loves me?
Another wave of shock slammed into him. Surely, she was lying to make him feel more guilt.
“I’m sorry, Eloise. You shouldn’t have done that.
” Yet wasn’t that exactly what he’d written in his letter?
He flicked his gaze to the envelope that was now charred and curling from the flames.
“I have told you numerous times that there is no future between us.”
“Which you have decided without talking with me.” She propped her hands on her hips, which brought his gaze to that part of her body.
“You hide in your past while running from it, you keep yourself locked away in the darkness in your mind, so you’ll have an excuse not to live…
Well, I’m not having it any longer, Blackhawke.
If you think to end everything, you’ll explain to me why, to my face, so that you have to look into my eyes and see the hurt there. ”